ODDS on FC Testiculadew claiming their second Kenna League title dropped faster than a Malaysia Airlines flight this weekend as the club extended their lead at the top of the table.
Even though as they hurtled towards earth at terminal velocity passengers of MH370 would have seen FCT striker Edin Dzeko’s fluffed goalmouth effort going the other way, a masterful display from Mesut Ozil and assists from Kevin Mirallas and Juan Mata saw the chasing pack drop even further off the radar.
What everyone hoped would remain the most open Kenna season in recent times has veered dramatically off course. Managers can only pray it doesn’t turn into a repeat of this time two years ago, when FCT’s dominance left the rest of league bobbing around helpless in the dark ocean, watching the wreckage of their title challenge sink into the depths and wondering whether the pathetic light given off by their life jackets can be seen by Vietnamese search and rescue pilots wearing fake Ray Bans.
His ongoing silent protest over changes to league rules spelt no comment from the DRS manager on his team’s steady decline from mid-table to the relegation zone. Analysts believe a sponsored silence would have been a sure fire way for the manager to raise much-needed transfer funds.
Looking ahead to the weekend’s Canesten Combi Cup last 16 fixtures, four goals shipped at home in the first leg for both Judean Peoples’ Front and Team Panda Rules OK mean it’ll take a lot more than a pair of fake passports for them to get into the quarter finals.
|1||Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||31||3|
|2||Team Panda Rules OK||George||30||3|
|3||FC Testiculadew||James N||29||1|
|4||KS West Green||Stix||29||1|
|6||Just put Carles||Carles||23||1|
|9||St. Reatham FC||Mike||19||1|
|10||Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||18||1|
|11||This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||18||1|
|13||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||16||0|
|15||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||14||0|
|20||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||9||0|
|21||Headless Chickens||John N||7||0|
|22||Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||6||0|
|23||PSV Mornington||El Pons||5||0|
|Player of the week||12||Caulker, S – CAR – DEF|
|Club||Rapids De Cullons CF|
CALLS for an official inquiry have been heard around the Kenna after teams led by two high-ranking league officials registered resounding cup victories in what was otherwise a quiet week for goals.
In the first leg of the Canesten Combi Cup last 16 fixtures, KS West Green and Bala Rinas – managed by the Kenna chairman and treasurer respectively - both scored four shots on target, or ‘got an Oscar’s night‘, as it has recently become known.
A hat-trick for Andre Schurrle and a rare Curtis Davies strike secured a vital away win for the chairman’s side over Judean Peoples’ Front, whose manager is best known for looking like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik.
Johnny Heitinga, Romelu Lukaku and a brace from Moussa Sissoko saw Bala Rinas cruise to victory over a lacklustre Team Panda Rules OK performance.
No doubt spurred on by either ongoing events in Ukraine, a faction led by the Young Boys of Vauxhall manager has questioned the integrity of the league and called for a full investigation.
“You see this? I wouldn’t wash my car with this! And not only because it’s a piece of paper,” he fumed at his chamois.
The Chairman’s response was uncharacteristic, but made clear upon watching the YouTube video below. He said: “Yo, you want fantasy football? I got fantasy football. I got the best fantasy football.
“This area’s dry, man. You know that. I know that. Ain’t nobody arranging fantasy football but me.
“I got auctions, I got transfer windows, I got pub crawls. I’ve got the finest cup competition this area has seen in years. You need me and I need you. Let’s make this work.
“You buy entry to the league, you get entry to the cup totally free. Gratis.
“I got everything. Even a World Cup fantasy auction, baby.”
Canesten Combi Cup last 16 first leg results
Rapids De Cullons 1 – 0 Northern Monkeys
Dynamo Charlton 0 – 2 Newington Reds
St Reatham FC 0 – 0 Lokomotiv Leeds
Team Panda Rules OK 1 – 4 Bala Rinas
Judean Peoples’ Front 0 – 4 KS West Green
Headless Chickens 0 – 0 Spartak Mogadishu
FC Testiculadew 2 – 1 This is Sparta…Prague
PSV Mornington 0 – 1 Hairy Fadjeetas
|1||KS West Green||Stix||33||4|
|5||FC Testiculadew||James N||25||2|
|6||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||25||0|
|7||Team Panda Rules OK||George||25||0|
|10||Just put Carles||Carles||20||1|
|11||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||20||0|
|12||Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||19||1|
|13||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||19||0|
|14||This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||18||1|
|17||PSV Mornington||El Pons||14||0|
|18||Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||13||0|
|20||Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||11||0|
|21||St. Reatham FC||Mike||10||0|
|22||Headless Chickens||John N||8||0|
|Player of the week||17||Schurrle, A – CHE – MID|
|Club||KS West Green|
THE Young Boys of Vauxhall manager has claimed he would have been “Kenna chairman for more than 10 years” had he not been a sheep shagger.
The Welshman makes the claims in an authorised biography serialised by the Sunday Times.
“I believe if I was English, I would have been Kenna chairman for more than 10 years – it’s as simple as that,” said the Young Boys boss, who won the league in 2011 and the Canesten Combi Cup in 2009.
Kenna HQ is aware of the claims but declined to comment.
The manager of Young Boys, who joined the Kenna in 2007 and is now in his sixth year of campaigning, claimed: “I think the Kenna wished I shagged Hereford cattle or Suffolk pigs. I had the credibility, performance-wise, to be chairman.
“There is a ceiling and although no-one has ever said it, I believe it’s made of wool.”
“The chairman now does a rubbish job,” said the Young Boys manager. “It’s embarrassing. I keep asking myself, ‘what have I done?’
“I’ve asked myself many times why I wasn’t [made chairman]. I keep coming up with the same answer. It’s the sheep’s blood on my trousers.”
Detractors claim the comments are sour grapes from the manager, who has become an increasingly bitter and isolated figure with his team’s decline in the last two years, culminating in an outspoken rant at the incumbent chairman in November for changes to the Canesten Combi Cup.
Young Boys sit one place above the relegation zone and are already out of this season’s Canesten.
NORTHERN Monkeys’ last 16 cup draw at Rapids De Cullons was overshadowed this week by an extraordinary row over a series of unguarded but highly disparaging remarks by the manager about the club’s strikers.
The Northern Monkeys boss was recorded by the French television company Canal Plus in what he thought was a private conversation with the owner of a Swiss Toblerone, thought to be the St Reatham FC manager.
“I have a team but no striker,” said the Monkeys manager. “The problem at Northern Monkeys is that we are lacking a goalscorer. I have one [Samuel Eto’o] but he is 32, possibly 35, who knows?”
The remark about Eto’o is understood to be a reference to the supposed doubt about the true age of some African players.
The other Northern Monkeys striker Fabio Borini was not mentioned in the same sentence as the word ‘goalscorer’.
The club has not disputed the authenticity of the manager’s comments but are adamant that they were supposed to be light-hearted and not meant for broadcast or publication.
Northern Monkeys have scored 27 goals this season, one less than their Canesten Combi Cup opponents Rapids De Cullon. The two sides meet in the first leg of their last 16 tie this weekend.
In a first for world football, the ties were drawn this Wednesday evening on a moving train to an audience of a couple of cans of lager.
— Stix (@jeffkennaleague) February 26, 2014
Canesten Combi Cup last 16 fixtures
Rapids De Cullons v Northern Monkeys
The copy for this article was stolen from…
THE cellar at Kenna HQ is being soundproofed ‘for footballing reasons’, it was claimed today.
The league chairman was forced to comment after leaked photos emerged of him insulating a confined, windowless crawlspace believed to lie directly underneath the boardroom of London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league.
Despite the appearance of something more sinister, the chairman was adamant the only motive was to reduce managers’ subscription costs by saving on Kenna HQ energy bills.
The groans having receded after it was pointed out there was already enough hot air in league committee meetings, sceptics were quick condemn the photos as further proof of the Kenna executive’s increasingly hard line measures.
Many believe the Kenna’s manager experiences department, a secretive arm of league apparatus responsible for policing members, is behind the move.
In August 2012, the manager experiences department were believed to be behind the abduction of defender James Collins from his team hotel. The incident led to one manager slamming the Kenna as ‘out of touch blazers’.
Faced with these latest allegations, the chairman maintained the league’s motives were honest.
“I know from the photos it looks like we’re building some sort of Fritzl Suite to help silence dissent from agitators, but that’s simply not the case. As an organisation committed to sustainability we’re simply making our HQ building more energy efficient.
“At the heart of everything we do is making the Kenna the ultimate fantasy, and these renovations are part of that fantasy,” he said over the muffled cries of Titus Bramble.
Cup fixtures announced
The first round of knockout games in the Canesten Combi Cup will take place this weekend.
A total of 16 teams made it out of the group stages in January. They will be drawn in head-to-head ties on tomorrow’s 1750 from Birmingham New Street to Euston.
“It’s the first time the last 16 draw will be made on a moving train, but I must assure managers that we will not be holding back on the traditional glamour associated with the Canesten,” said the chairman, charging up his briefcase with a couple of Jackie Chans.
In the pot
Group A - Judean Peoples’ Front, KS West Green, This is Sparta…Prague, Team Panda Rules OK
Group B - FC Testiculadew, Rapids De Cullons CF, Dynamo Charlton, St Reatham FC
Group C - Headless Chickens, Northern Monkeys, Spartak Mogadishu, Newington Reds
Group D - Hairy Fadjeetas, PSV Mornington, Bala Rinas, Lokomotiv Leeds
First leg – Tuesday 5 March
Second leg – Tuesday 18 March
First leg – Tuesday 25 March
Second leg – Tuesday 1 April
First leg – Tuesday 15 April
Second leg – Tuesday 22 April
Tuesday 13 May
|2||St. Reatham FC||Mike||39||3|
|3||Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||35||2|
|4||Just put Carles||Carles||35||2|
|5||FC Testiculadew||James N||34||1|
|6||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||33||1|
|10||Team Panda Rules OK||George||26||2|
|12||Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||24||1|
|13||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||22||2|
|14||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||22||1|
|15||Headless Chickens||John N||21||1|
|20||This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||15||0|
|21||PSV Mornington||El Pons||14||0|
|22||KS West Green||Stix||8||0|
|23||Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||5||0|
|Player of the week||15||Giroud, O – ARS – STR|
|Club||Team Panda Rules OK|
METRO Bank will become the main sponsor of the Kenna League as part of a £120m deal, it was announced today.
The three-year agreement includes everything from titles sponsorship of the Kenna League and exclusive world-wide marketing rights to corporate match-day hospitality to providing the pub buffet at auctions and transfer windows.
Media were invited to a launch event this morning at Metro Bank’s flagship Holborn branch in central London.
“This sponsorship shows the Kenna is a serious player in world football. We look forward to what promises to be a mutually beneficial relationship,” said the Kenna chairman, his eyes glazed over with pound sterling currency symbols.
There were a few raised eyebrows in the press pack when it turned out that rather than the chief executive or commercial director, the bank had left affairs to their mascot – Metro Man.
“I can assure you that I speak of behalf of the bank’s leadership team when I say we’re delighted to be entering this exciting partnership with the Kenna League,” enthused Metro Man a little too loudly, having emerged from the bank’s executive lavatory after an inordinate amount of time.
The M-shaped mascot tried to engage security staff in an arm wrestle and offered several of the branch’s nonplussed female employees a peek at his ‘love letter’, before posing for pictures with the Kenna chairman.
Metro Man demanded: “Get a wriggle on with these snaps will you? I want to get down to Coq d’Argent to toast this deal with a few bottles of Krug, sharpish. I’m doing a primary school at two.”
City analysts have questioned the legitimacy of the agreement.
The feat was attributed to new signing Emmanuel Adebayor enjoying one of his three good weeks of the season. Months of underperformance lie ahead.
|3||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||39||3|
|8||Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||36||1|
|9||Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||32||2|
|10||Team Panda Rules OK||George||28||1|
|11||St. Reatham FC||Mike||28||0|
|12||Headless Chickens||John N||26||2|
|13||FC Testiculadew||James N||26||0|
|15||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||24||0|
|16||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||22||1|
|17||KS West Green||Stix||22||1|
|18||Just put Carles||Carles||21||0|
|21||PSV Mornington||El Pons||19||0|
|22||This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||18||0|
|23||Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||8||0|
|Player of the week||15||Sturridge, D – LIV – STR|
A SOMALI, a Jew, two Catalans, three Welshmen and nine blokes who once considered it their capital city walk into a London pub.
It’s not the start of an inappropriate joke, but what happened last Friday night when Kenna League managers gathered for the season’s second transfer window.
Over three hours in the busy bar of The Enterprise in Holborn, nearly 40 football players went under the hammer as managers shouted above the din of brisk trade.
For those that turned out there was plenty to whet the appetite.
Sporting Lesbian laid £15m on Wilfred Zaha, the most expensive player of the evening.
Bala Rinas, in the mix for a first league title, splashed just £1m less on the formerly unfashionable Marouane Chamakh, and were immediately rewarded with a goal this week.
Despite grumblings afterwards about connectivity, the Headless Chickens manager was able to Whatsapp in from an Austrian skiing chalet to scoop Kostantinos Mitroglu for £14m, and keep the team’s title hopes alive.
At the other end of the table, Young Boys were ringing the changes in a bid to escape relegation. Among seven new players was another £14m signing of the evening in the shape of Emmanuel Adebayor.
It was a typically haphazard night for fellow relegation strugglers Spartak Mogadishu.
Much to everyone’s amusement, the Pirates manager signed Danny Graham in earnest, but then realised the striker was ineligible to score points while languishing on the banks of the River Tees.
Graham was quickly tossed overboard under the new wildcard ruling, which allows any manager to dispense of one player at random during the window.
— Carles Duz Palau (@cduzpalau) February 7, 2014
As an intermediary battled the miserable London winter to make five signings for Just Put Carles, the manager tweeted a photo of himself on the beach in Antigua.
When the Catalan returns from the Caribbean imagine just how much colder and wetter the runway at Heathrow will be when he discovers his new striker is Shola Ameobi.
The concerning trend of absenteeism, so prevalent at – or not at – October’s window, gave way to new far more dangerous practice on Friday: presenteeism.
The former PSV Mornington manager turned up to the window, collected the Bramble Jersey for being bottom of the league and proceeded to make no signings all night. He preferred to consume pints and cigarettes at an alarming rate until midnight.
It just goes to show the pressure of propping up the Kenna table can never be underestimated.
With the window closing at around 10.30pm to end transfer business for the season, managers were left to open the envelopes containing the mystery forfeit Titus Bramble players.
Made up of some of the most high-profile deviants of the last 20 years, the inappropriate jokes could finally begin.
|1||Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||49||3|
|2||St. Reatham FC||Mike||40||3|
|4||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||38||2|
|8||FC Testiculadew||James N||31||0|
|9||KS West Green||Stix||31||0|
|12||Just put Carles||Carles||25||0|
|13||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||24||0|
|14||Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||23||2|
|15||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||22||1|
|16||This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||22||0|
|17||Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||21||2|
|21||Headless Chickens||John N||11||0|
|22||Team Panda Rules OK||George||11||0|
|23||PSV Mornington||El Pons||7||0|
|Player of the week||17||Hazard, E – CHE – MID|