Mata of fact


Edin Dzeko's winter home

Even without Rafa van der Vaart, Lokomotiv Leeds are giving FC Testiculadew a challenge; Little Pea, Dean Sturridge and the unlikely Victor Moses providing the lion’s share of the team’s points this week.

It’s fortunate that the Yorkshire club are just Juan Mata’s contribution this week behind, as the pack are ambling along 50 points off the leader.

The Chairman said: “Betting without Lokomotiv, only a small miracle can stop Mata and his FCT chums from completely running off with the league.

“Well, either a small miracle or playing Rooney deep in midfield and leaving Dzeko on the bench for a few games, although the latter doesn’t seem to be helping.”

Weekly scores - 29 November 2011

Weekly scores - 29 November 2011


Young Boys stand firm against thick bush

Young Boys cup hopes

The Young Boys manager has promised his charges a tilt at the cup

Group A

Young Boys held their nerve in the face of some Hairy Fadjeetas to claim three points in group A. The Kilburn outfit have a point to prove as they were knocked out at the group stage last season.

Thieving Magpies  16 – 25 Lokomotiv Leeds
Young Boys 27 – 25 Hairy Fadjeetas

Group B

Just Put Carles’ astronomic start to the season appears to be receeding after they were beaten by midtable strugglers Polonia Forsyth.

JPC  14 – 27 Polonia Forsyth
Bala Rinas 19 – 33 Headless Chickens

Group C

There was more woe for bottom-placed Spartak Mogadishu away at Dynamo Charlton. PSV’s renaissance continued apace at Superfuzz.

SuperFuzz 22 – 28 PSV Mornington
Dynamo Charlton 25 – 22 Spartak Mogadishu

Group D

Drubbing of the round goes to Lurliners, who were beaten by 30 points at the Scum.

JPF 23 – 32 FC Testiculadew
Pikey Scum 42 – 12 Lurliners

Chuck Norris*

Barn owls

Robin van Persie, Chuck Norris and a barn owl watch JPF ship another goal

Anyone would assume that with Robin van Persie in your starting line up, your team would be soaring up the league.

Not the Judean Peoples’ Front boss, who really is struggling to spread his wings in midtable despite the Dutchman’s form.

“If Robin van Persie were a bird of prey, he’s be a fooking barn owl,” asserted the JPF manager in a faux Lancashire accent outside their Nazareth Rec home ground.

“As for the rest of my team they can flock off . Cleverly and Gallas are injured, the defence is sh1te, and why did I buy Shaun Derry?” said the beleagured manager, spitting feathers.

*For those who have no idea what this post is about ask the JPF manager to tell the story at the next transfer window

Weekly scores - 22 November 2011

Week 14 - scores

Management training

Vasco presentation

" be a successful manager you need skill, judgement, luck and not to be so far gone on auction night that you wake up the next day with Titus Bramble...especially now he's inside."

A little later than planned, last week’s scores are now available.

The table would’ve been up sooner, but the Chairman and Vasco boss were away on a management training course (in separate hotel rooms, mind).

Honoured to have been invited, the Vasco manager prepared a 30-minute PowerPoint presentation for the group entitled ‘Leading Your Team To Success’.

Unfortunately, the delegates did not share the Vasco manager’s enthusiasm for going through each week’s spreadsheet of the 2005/06 season, and he made a sharp exit before the crowd turned.

Luckily, the Chairman had already started the car.

Glory assured

Once this cursed international break is over, we’ll have definitely learned one thing: a team can be as comfortable in their fancy dan possession as they like, but to win matches a side doesn’t need the skill to string together more than three passes.

Certainly, the England team, in fact England as a whole, will now adopt this philosophy and full-scale frenzy will descend upon the country until they slink out of Poland and/or Ukraine after losing on penalties to a Republic of Ireland team who can string together just two passes.

If any Englishmen out there start thinking “Maybe we could just do it this….” Stop! Have a word with yourself. We haven’t done it for 46 years.

The tumbleweed will surface in the Sweden game.

Week 13 points

Week 13 points

Carry on bunga

After a shaky start, defending champions Young Boys are making progress up the table.

Their autumn run is largely being attributed to the team’s fitness, and behind this is the recent appointment of a new club matron, Biffa Daley.

Under her firm hands the first team’s performances have grown solid, and her presence offers plenty of relief in the manager’s office.

However, rumours abound that her recruitment took place at the Young Boys Halloween bunga bunga party.

“I don’t know where these rumours have come from. I feel victimised,” said the Young Boys manager.

Another boss feeling beleaguered is the Spartak Mogadishu manager, who had a spurious excuse for the continuance of this season’s car crash last weekend.

“Me crew be distracted by a nearby fireworks display,” he shantied.


Ba hatrick

Ba hatrick

Newington Reds striker Demba Ba scored his second hatrick of the campaign to maintain the club’s position in the the top four.

The Senegalese hitman has finally found his way after a slow start for reasons the Spartak Mogadishu manager may do well to note.

The Reds manager was further buoyed by clean sheets from new signings Phil Jones and John Arne Riise.

“Obviously, I’ll be hitting the bar,” chortled the Newington Reds boss.

Newbie surge

Rooky managers continued the trend of impressing themselves on the Kenna as Lokomotiv Leeds snatched second place.

A goal and an assist from Rafael van der Vaart stole the show the for Yorkshire outfit.

The Dutch playmaker had briefly been signed by Vasco De Beauvoir on auction night, until the ill-advised purchase of Wesley Sneijder.

Vasco are ninth in the table.

Bannan-a skin

The Pikey Scum gaffer was forced to take a long hard look at himself this week, after two players released in the transfer window scored goals.

Stylian Petrov, who was snapped up by rivals Superfuzz, netted, as did free agent Andy Carroll.

Scum replaced Petrov with Scottish talent Barry Bannan.

“He hasn’t turned out to be quite the midfield driving force we’d hoped for,” lamented the Scum boss.

Weekly scores - 1 Nov 2011

Weekly scores - 1 November 2011