PAPISS Demba Cisse notched two goals as his team swaggered into the top half of the table.
Gareth Bale and Matt Jarvis added two more, while Sylvan Distin picked up two clean sheets in a bumper week for Spartak Mogadishu.
“Blistering barnacles!” said the Spartak boss, as balaclava-clad men carrying MP5s abseiled through his cabin windows and cable-tied his hands behind his back. “All this for a bunch of flip flops.”
Cup quarters results
Chickens will have to navigate their way past an unlikely Hairy Fadjeetas in the semis. The Fadges also clawed their way out of the relegation zone this week.
Kenna reigning champions Young Boys have now been knocked out of the cup and are struggling in the title race.
PSV Mornington will be hoping to make something of their season by overcoming FCT.
Newington Reds 31 (55) – 41 (76) FC Testiculadew Young Boys 40 (62) – 34 (67) PSV Mornington Pikey Scum 19 (35) – 30 (79) Headless Chickens Dynamo Charlton 30 (43) – 28 (50) Hairy Fadjeetas
Semi final games
Wednesday 11 April – leg one
FC Testiculadew v PSV Mornington
Headless Chickens v Hairy Fadjeetas
Wednesday 25 April – leg two
PSV Mornington v FC Testiculadew
Hairy Fadjeetas v Headless Chickens
QUIBBLES about value for money at top-flight English football matches were set aside for 10 days in north London.
For as little as £34 a ticket, the spectator was treated not just to a competitive 40 minutes of football abruptly ended by an ‘I was there’ life-time pub story, but a further match last night of great goalkeeping in the face of wave after wave of Spurs attack.
The first half belonged to ‘magic Magyar’ Adam Bogdan, whose acrobatic feats between the sticks were enough to keep out a dominant, yet leggy, Tottenham onslaught.
Bolton had little of the ball, but remained compact enough. It’s not just the journalist band wagon, without Lennon on the right and Bale hugging the left, Spurs looked out of sorts.
The second half began in much the same fashion. Modric and Bale dominated possession in midfield, but clear chances for Adebayor and van der Vaart were swatted away by the impressive, ginger Hungarian.
It was only after Jermaine Defoe replaced the jaded Scott Parker that pressure turned into goals.
An excellent van der Vaart free kick that hit the crossbar aside, Tottenham’s set pieces were distinctly underwhelming. Ironically, it was from a corner that the Lillywhites went ahead in the 74th minute. Kiwi veteran Ryan Nelsen nodded in his first for his new club.
Having not registered a victory in all competitions since a replay win against Stevenage, the atmosphere at White Hart Lane palpably relaxed when Bale found himself clear to notch the second.
The Spurs faithful were rolling out the Wembley chants when Kevin Davies netted a surprise comeback goal for Bolton in 90th minute.
Their nerves were calmed when Louis Saha bent one around Bogdan in the last minute of stoppage time. By his substitution choices and overall game plan, Owen Coyle gave the impression he’d rather concentrate on staying the Premier League anyway.
Of course, we all clapped before the match to recognise the efforts of the medical staff who attended Fabrice Muamba. Thankfully, the game didn’t turn into a reverential procession it could have done.
Harry Redknapp does need to pull his team’s finger out. They played a lot better when his dog was up at Southwark Crown for tax evasion…
FERNANDO Torres finally had his prayers answered but his exalted performance may have come a week too early.
Two goals, two assists and a first player-of-the-week award from the £27.5m Spaniard put Hairy Fadjeetas top of this week’s scoring charts.
A goal, assist and clean sheet from Jonny Evans and a goal and assist from Stewart Downing completed the rout.
“Typical, my team’s best showing all season comes a week early. I just hope Fernando’s form remains,” said the Fadges boss ahead of his side’s crunch quarter-final second leg against Dynamo Charlton.
Nine points separate the teams after the first leg.
Due to technical issues at Kenna HQ the latest table is only available by downloading the spreadsheet in the ‘details’ box.
WHITE Hart Lane was plunged into an atmosphere of eerie concern after Fabrice Muamba suffered a cardiac arrest on the pitch.
The Lurliners midfielder collapsed in the latter stages of the first half.
A team of medics visibly performed chest compressions for around 10 minutes before Muamba was stretchered off.
He is currently in a stable condition in London Chest Hospital.
Over 20 per cent of people suffering a cardiac arrest outside of hospital in the capital survive, according to the London Ambulance Service.
Up to then the match had all the chip and charge of an FA Cup tie.
Bolton took the lead in opening minutes through unsigned Darren Pratley.
Kenna HQ have called an extraordinary meeting with the FA to decide whether points from this match will count.
The Chairman said: “We wish Fabrice all the best.”
16 March 2012
- ‘Perfect’ London pub sought for auction night
- Competition named as Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup
KENNA HQ launched plans for this summer’s European Cup by announcing the search for the ‘perfect’ London pub to hold the auction.
Set for the evening of Thursday 31 May, the auction will involve no more than 16 managers battling it out for honours in the newly-named 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup.
Speaking from an ornamental fountain in the Middle East, the Kenna Chairman said: “We like our football auctions with a pint, and by pint I mean a pint of beer, so we’re looking for a central London pub with an upstairs bit or sort of funtion room we can use for an evening.
“We’ve used a few other adequate venues in the past, but we still haven’t found the perfect pub. We need an area where 16 managers can sit around a table with a steady flow of draft premium lager and without competing for noise with the uninitiated.
“If you know a pub that meets the criteria get in touch.”
- Central London pub
- Space for 16 managers to sit around a table/s
- Wi-fi available
- Ready access to food and drinks
- The Kenna is a not-for-profit organisation so cannot offer payment, but can offer some very thirsty patrons.
The Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup
Kenna HQ announced the name of the competition as the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup.
The Chairman said: “We’re absolutely delighted to have Emmanuel as our figurehead. His 11 goals in 25 appearances for Poland made him the stand-out candidate.
“Being an organisation proud of its diversity, we hope to use the tournament as an opportunity to highlight all that is multicultural about Poland, Ukraine and football itself; just like FIFA are doing with the 2022 Qatar World Cup.”
The competition will be limited to 16 teams. In the event that more managers wish to pick up the gauntlet, entry preference will be given to managers in the following order:
- Kenna commitee members (x3)
- Managers finishing highest in this season’s domestic league
- Founding Kenna members
- Other former Kenna managers
- Ruud Gullit
FACES don’t come much more egg-stained than that of the Dan Terry Seduction manager.
His team have occupied the relegation zone for much of the campaign and £26m, one-goal Florent Malouda is a prime candidate for big money flop of the season.
“There have been positives, like the form of Sebastian Larsson,” said the Seduction gaffer to a young female reporter who’d come to his office to interview him for the local rag.
“But let’s not get bogged down in the nitty gritty, shall we?” he continued, dimming his office lights, putting on some Barry White and uncorking a bottle of Asda’s own champagne.
“You know, managing a team in the Kenna is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman.
“To be successful you’ve got to keep hammering it in the goal right to the end. And make sure things are nice and tight at the back.”
The Seduction boss had by now poured two glasses and moved around to sit on the desk very close to the journalist, leaning over her.
“I sense that you’re nervous. Is this your first big assignment?” he said, handing her a drink.
She rolled her eyes. “Actually no. I interviewed George Elokobi a couple of weeks ago. He told me how glad he was to be rid of this place. We drew straws in the office to see who would interview you.”
“I see you have spirit. Football can be a hard game. Have you much experience?” as he said this he toasted her and took a sip.
“Listen. I’ve to get a story filed in two hours. I think I’ve got enough here. You’ll probably get spiked for the story about a Headless Chickens defender turning up for training in nothing but a pair of comedy breasts anyway,” she said, putting down her glass and leaving.
The Seduction boss spent a few moments sitting on his desk after she left. Eventually he got up.
“Damn!” he said, looking at the untouched drink. “That’s another roofie wasted.”
Download a full breakdown of the scores from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of this page.
BRYAN Ruiz yet again failed to make an impact for Hairy Fadjeetas, but it didn’t stop his new club snatching the initiative in the first leg of the cup quarter finals.
Despite showing sparks of promise, the Costan Rican has failed to convince the mob.
The unfancied Fadges had to rely on a Matthew Etherington goal and a Stewart Downing assist to give them the edge over a dismal Dynamo Charlton.
“We just need to get the ball to Bryan in attacking positions,” said the Hairy Fadjeetas boss, forgetting that he’s been trying that with Fernando Torres since August.
Widely regarded as stragglers in the league, where they lie just 15 points from the bottom, Fadjeetas have been tearing up the form book in the cup.
Outstanding performances from Alex Song, Danny Murphy and Jermaine Defoe meant the Catalan boss was savouring his turrón and ratafia cocktail come Sunday night.
“Métetelo por el culo,” he said, when asked about Andy Carroll’s form.