Game of arrows

Dart board

More pricks than a second hand dartboard: Kenna membership is at record levels

IN MEMORY of legendary sports commentator Sid Waddell each manager has selected their own ‘darts music’.

From the sea shanty of Spartak Mogadishu to the FC Testiculadew ACDC classic, the leitmotifs are choices for the entrance music managers would have into the competitive arena of professional darts, where Sid plied his so eloquent trade.

“Nothing could show more athletic intent than a slightly overweight, middle-aged man awkwardly walking into a room full of delirious drunks to a floor filler,” said the Chairman, quietly impressed by Simon ‘The Wizard of Oz’ Whitlock’s entourage.

After the Fabio affair there were murmurs that the league administration were about as much use as Anne Frank’s drum kit, but Kenna HQ have utterly redeemed themselves by introducing arrows to the table to show movement from week to week.

The Kenna Pump

  • £38m Wayne Rooney faces a month on the sidelines with injury. “We’re not in crisis, we’ve still got Gervinho,” said the manager of crisis club Greendale Rockets.
  • £21m Clint Dempsey was left out of action again on the weekend. “He’s lost his head,” said the Headless Chickens boss.
  • £4.5m winger Adam Johnson might actually play a game this season after moving to Wearside. “I bought Glenn Johnson too, surely one of them will do something,” said the Piedmonte manager.
  • £3m former Bramble player Angel Rangel looks like one of the buys of the season. “I only signed him so I could say his name all the time,” chortled the Newington Reds gaffer.

Kenna table

Week 2 - 28 August 2012

Kenna table – week 2

Weekly scores

This week
Manager Points Goals
1 Newington Reds Dudley 51 4
2 Pikey Scum Jack 43 3
3 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 36 2
4 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 36 1
5 FC Testicluadew James N 34 2
6 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 32 3
7 Piedmonte Phil 30 2
8 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 27 2
9 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 27 2
10 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 24 1
11 Dynamo Charlton Alex 23 2
12 Headless Chickens John N 21 0
13 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 19 0
14 PSV Mornington El Pons 18 0
15 Greendale Rockets Stu 16 0
16 Just put Carles Carles 16 0
17 Northern Monkeys Hugo 15 0
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 15 0
19 Woking Mike 10 0
20 Bala Rinas Lewis 8 0
Points Player
Player of the week 21 Hazard, E – CHE – MID
Club Hairy Fadjeetas

Vasco De Beauvoir

Manager: Stix (Worcestershire)

Twitter name: @jeffkennaleague

Since: 2005 (co-founder and Chairman)

Last season: 16th

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2005/06, treble in 2009/2010 (league, cup, Khumalo World Cup 2010)

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Highway to the Danger Zone – Kenny Loggins

Outlook: People used to say that Brazil were the Vasco De Beauvoir of world football, but those heady, summer, treble-winning days of 2010 seem a Rory Delap throw in away looking at the club’s current shower. In what’s become known as the most epic Bramble of all time, £40m Sergio Aguero was replaced in the auction by Leroy Lita, but a month-long lay off with injury means not even the prolific Argentine could have dragged this bunch of misfits to anything but a relegation battle. Tomas ‘Little Mozart’ Rosicky, himself off until October with injury, should be preparing a requiem for the manager’s chances of being employed come May.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Al-Habsi, A WIG £2.5m
Harte, I REA £10m
Nastasic, M MCY £13m
Ferdinand, R MUN £6.5m
McAuley, G WBA £0.5m
Gutierrez, J NEW £5m
Etherington, M STO £0.5m
Puncheon, J SOT £29m
Ramires CHE £12m
Ruiz, B FUL £0.5m
Podolski, L ARS £40m
 Total £119.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Kolorov, A MCY £19m Nastasic, M MCY £13m
Surman, A NOR £0.5m Puncheon, J SOT £29m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Hibbert, T EVE £5m Kolarov, A MCY £19m
Pennant, J STO £1m Etherington, M STO £0.5m
Rosicky, T ARS £1.5m Surman, A NOR £0.5m
Borini, F LIV £19m Ruiz, B FUL £0.5m
Lita, L (B) SWA £20m Podolski, L ARS £40m

Pikey Scum

Manager: Jack (Hampshire)

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Last season: 9th

Trophy cabinet: Cup at some point (best league finish – 5th in 2010/11), 2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup winner

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: I’m A Pikey – Enrique Iglesias

Outlook: With the exception of £8m Stewart Downing, the Pikey manager seems to have assembled a side capable of making a first successful assault on the title. Will have a tough decision come the first transfer window, when he’ll have to jettison either Bale or Adebayor

No Brambles.

Vorm, M SWA £9.5m
Jones, P MUN £12m
Huth, R STO £5m
Cahill, G CHE £7.5m
Boyce, E WIG £0.5m
Allen, J LIV £10m
Walcott, T ARS £15m
Granero, E APR £0.5m
Brunt, C WBA £4m
Anichebe, V EVE £5m
Fletcher, S SUN £30m
 Total £99m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
De Ridder, S (B) SOT £15m Allen, J LIV £10m
El Ahmadi, K AVL £3m Granero, E QPR £0.5m
Pogrebnyak, P REA £8.5m Anichebe, V EVE £5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
de Gea, D MUN £19m Vorm, M SWA £9.5m
Sagna, B ARS £11m Jones, P MUN £12m
Bale, G TOT £30m De Ridder, S (B) SOT £15m
Downing, S LIV £8m Walcott, T ARS £15m
Adebayor, E TOT £0.5m Fletcher, S SUN £30m


Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co-founder)

Last season: 18th (relegated and sacked as manager of Thieving Magpies)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 2nd in 2006/07)

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts music: The Wheelbarrow song

Outlook: After seven years without silverware the Wulfrunian was sacked in May after taking the Thieving Magpies down. Despite circumstances reaching dire levels during that last campaign, he found a job at Piedmonte and things now appear to be on the up. Frank Lampard is already two goals to the good and Adam Johnson’s has made a positive switch to Wearside. The manager has retained the services of Darren Bent up front – a surprising move.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Begovic, A STO £0.5m
Johnson, G LIV £8m
Coloccini, F NEW £10m
Rafael MUN £2m
Dawson, M TOT £6m
Kebe, J REA £0.5m
Lampard, F CHE £16m
Milner, J MCY £0.5m
Johnson, A SUN £4.5m
Jelavic, N EVE £34m
Lambert, R SOT £13m
 Total £95m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out      In 
Mertesacker, P ARS £19m Dawson, M TOT £6m
Dyer, N SWA £10m Kebe, J REA £0.5m
Bent, D AVL £16m Jelavic, N EVE £34m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out      In 
Green, R QPR £0.5m Begovic, A STO £0.5m
Tomkins, J WHM £3m Mertesacker, P ARS £19m
van der Vaart, R HAM £17m Milner, J MCY £0.5m

Judean Peoples’ Front

Manager: Sholto (Wales)

Since: 2008

Last season: 9th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 9th last season and in 2008/09)

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life – Monty Python

Outlook: Underachievement and a striking resemblance to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik has blighted the Welshman’s managerial career, but this time he looks to have assembled a capable side. Jelavic is already living up to the hype, and Hart, Cashley and Enrique should be good for at least 150 points each.

No Brambles.

Hart, J MCY £22m
Enrique, J LIV £13m
Cole, A CHE £17m
Monreal, N ARS £22m
Lowton, M AVL £0.5m
Valencia, A MUN £17m
Britton, L SWA £0.5m
Cole, J WHM £10m
Beausejour, J WIG £0.5m
Adebayor, E TOT £0.5m
Rodriguez, J SOT £0.5m
 Total £103.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Gallas, W TOT £17m Monreal, N ARS £22m
Diaby, A ARS £0.5m Cole, J WHM £10m
Jelavic, N EVE £21m Adebayor, E TOT £0.5m
Rodallega, H FUL £0.5m Rodriguez, J SOT £0.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Hutton, A AVL £0.5m Gallas, W TOT £17m
Squillaci, S ARS £0.5m Lowton, M AVL £0.5m
Parker, S TOT £0.5m Diaby, A ARS £0.5m
Tiote, C NEW £0.5m Beausejour, J WIG £0.5m

League admits Fabio ‘balls up’


Cock: Uproar expected after Fabio played for two teams simultaneously last Saturday

A MASSIVE COCK up has forced Kenna HQ to accept responsibility over defender Fabio playing for two teams at the same time last weekend.

The Brazilian lost both Lokomotiv Leeds and PSV Mornington three points each, as five goals went past him at the Liberty Stadium.

A controversial procedure for resolving the matter will now ensue. On the back of last week’s James Collins fiasco, Kenna HQ’s ability to run a well-governed league has been called into question.

“What can I say? There’s been a balls up,” shrugged the Chairman, scrolling through his phone contacts for the Charts and Graphs department.

Under precedent, Fabio would remain at PSV as the club paid a higher fee (£5m, compared to Lokomotiv’s £0.5m).

Lokomotiv would be awarded the next available defender going down the player list. The next four of which are mostly of respectable quality: Chris Smalling, Per Mertesacker, Steven Caulker and Aleksander Kolorov.

The Chairman said: “However, Lokomotiv already has players from Manchester United, Arsenal, Spurs and City. Therefore, Lokomotiv’s new defender should be Wigan’s Gary Caldwell. Fabio’s score [-3] will be wiped and replaced with Caldwell’s [0].
“There is an appeal process, which is handled by the Manager Experiences department. We are yet to hear from either manager involved.”

PSV Mornington

Manager: El Pons (Catalunya)

Since: 2009

Last season: 10th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 9th in 2009/10)

Sympathies: Barcelona

Darts music: La Bamba – Ritchie Valens

Outlook: A lower mid-table club, and from the looks of this offering, lower mid-table ambition. A hotch potch back five and, £28m Mata and £17m Ba aside, a team that used to be sort of promising. Leiva’s a holding midfielder returning from long injury, just two goals were scored from Delap throw ins last season and Noble’s out of touch at this level. Gabby Agbonlahor? Didn’t he play for England once?

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling.

de Gea, D MUN £0.5m
Ramis, I WIG £0.5m
Chico SWA £6m
Sagna, B ARS £10m
Lescott, J MCY £0.5m
Mata, J CHE £28m
Noble, M WHM £8m
Sidwell, S FUL £8m
McClean, J SUN £0.5m
Agbonlahor, G AVL £7m
Jones, K STO £0.5m
 Total £69.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Bosingwa, J QPR £10m Lescott, J MCY £0.5m
Sahin, N LIV £7m McClean, J SUN £0.5m
Ba, D CHE £17m Jones, K STO £0.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Gazzaniga, P (B) SOT £4.5m de Gea, D MUN £0.5m
Heitinga, J EVE £6m Ramis, I WIG £0.5m
Senderos, P FUL £5m Chico SWA £6m
Fabio QPR £5m Sagna, B ARS £10m
Brown, W SUN £3m Bosingwa, J QPR £10m
Delap, R STO £0.5m Sidwell, S FUL £8m
Leiva, L LIV £0.5m Sahin, N LIV £7m