Bramble manager slams ‘out of touch Kenna blazers’

Dirty white van

James Collins was last seen being bundled into the back of a van at dawn

DEFENDER JAMES Collins is at the centre of a controversial appeal that has led to the Kenna administration being branded ‘out of touch’.

The incident arose when it emerged after the auction that the Still Don’t Know Yet manager had signed West Ham midfielder Gary O’Neil, and stood to lose Collins under the Titus Bramble ruling.

League regulations stipulated that Collins would be replaced by Newcastle’s Shane Ferguson, but the SDKY boss maintains that the Welshman, who switched to West Ham from Aston Villa two weeks ago, was still marked as a Villain on the official player list.

Already under pressure at the club for being the first manager in eight years to lose a goalkeeper on a Bramble, the SDKY gaffer was so incensed at HQ’s decision that he sent a strongly-worded email in which he claimed the league had ‘gone too far’ and criticised the bureaucracy for ‘being overly pedantic with a spreadsheet’.

“The league table won’t lie at the end of the season, in spite of the dirty tricks you out of touch blazers at Kenna HQ try and pull,” said the manager in the leaked email (full copy below), before making a veiled threat to refer the matter to the Court of Arbitration for Sport.

The league’s response was swift and ruthless. The appeal was turned down flat, and in the early hours of the season’s first day Kenna HQ goons with cable ties and rubber truncheons swooped on the team’s hotel, to replace a petrified Collins with a simpering and dehydrated Ferguson.

“Our Manager Experiences department has dealt with an incident related to the Titus Bramble ruling. I’m given to understand the matter was resolved amicably, and we wish the manager involved all the best for the new season,” confirmed a league spokesperson, sweeping the matter under the carpet.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager’s leaked email to Kenna HQ

“Sadly I didn’t have time to reply last night, because, like a real man, I was out playing football and not sat at home being overly pedantic with a spreadsheet.

“I went off the “official” list as you described it on Facebook. The “official” list. If we start ignoring the (and yes, I’m going to use quotation marks for a third time) “official” list, where do we end up?

“Anarchy that’s where. In a nation where people are willing to burn down city centres so they can thieve a slightly bigger TV. You’re playing with fire.

“I can see how jealously can affect your decision making when your strike force is led by a Congolese Middlesbrough reject [Leroy Lita] while my £58m front line contains a daring mixture of mental instability and injury susceptibility, but I think you’ve gone too far.

“The league table won’t lie at the end of the season, in-spite of the dirty tricks you out of touch blazers at Kenna HQ try and pull.”

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