Kneecaps for goalposts


Truncheon

Kenna Law: Collins is set to overcome injury to feature for Just Put Carles

DEFENDER JAMES Collins, who went missing hours before kick off on Saturday, has been found in the Just Put Carles starting XI.

The Welshman has not been seen since a vanload of Kenna hatchet men with Estuary accents kidnapped him from the Still Don’t Know Yet team hotel before dawn on Saturday morning.

Kenna HQ declared Collins ineligible to play at Undecided Road as the manager had signed second West Ham player Gary O’Neil at the auction.

JPC have confirmed that Collins will be immediately available, despite club doctors diagnosing him with a severe case of truncheon rash.

This week’s highlights

  • Unsigned Martin Petric was the top individual points scorer.
  • £12m Sporting Lesbian striker Sergio Aguero is out for a month after picking up an injury in the first few minutes of the season.
  • £9m Wandsworth Window Licker Josh McEachran will not be picking up any points after going on loan to Boro. The Still Don’t Know Yet manager is said to be preparing his transfer window war chest for the midfielder.
  • £6m Headless Chicken Michael Dawson will score approximately 50 fewer points this season after a move to Loftus Road.
  • £2.5m Woking defender Alex Santos was arrested by police going faster than the auction night buffet on the way to training.

Kenna table – week 1

This season
Manager
Points
Goals
1 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 46 2
2 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 39 2
3 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 37 3
4 Northern Monkeys Hugo 37 1
5 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 33 2
6 Newington Reds Dudley 28 0
7 Piedmonte Phil 27 4
8 Greendale Rockets Stu 27 1
9 Just put Carles Carles 26 0
10 Dynamo Charlton Alex 24 1
11 FC Testicluadew James N 23 1
12 Headless Chickens John N 21 0
13 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 19 0
14 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 19 0
15 Pikey Scum Jack 14 0
16 Woking Mike 14 0
17 PSV Mornington El Pons 13 1
18 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 12 0

Week’s scores

This week
Manager
Points
Goals
1 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 46 2
2 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 39 2
3 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 37 3
4 Northern Monkeys Hugo 37 1
5 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 33 2
6 Newington Reds Dudley 28 0
7 Piedmonte Phil 27 4
8 Greendale Rockets Stu 27 1
9 Just put Carles Carles 26 0
10 Dynamo Charlton Alex 24 1
11 FC Testicluadew James N 23 1
12 Headless Chickens John N 21 0
13 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 19 0
14 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 19 0
15 Pikey Scum Jack 14 0
16 Woking Mike 14 0
17 PSV Mornington El Pons 13 1
18 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 12 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Petric, M – FUL – STR
Club Unsigned
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