50p blame

Click to watch video: Gareth Bale reauctioned

Watch the video: Gareth Bale auctioned off again after being lost by the Pikey Scum manager on a Bramble

THE 50P GAME has protested its innocence in one of the biggest Kenna transfer window cock ups of all time.

Towards the end of Friday’s event in the upstairs bar of The Roebuck, the Pikey Scum boss signed flash-in-the-pan-form striker Steven Fletcher for £30m, taking the total cost of his team over the allotted budget.

Under the Titus Bramble ruling the club were made to forfeit their most expensive player and prized asset Gareth Bale, who also cost £30m, to be replaced by Belgian no hoper Steve De Ridder.

50p

50p: “He’s a spent force.”

The Scum manager was quick to find a scapegoat in the 50p game.

“If I hadn’t been made to drink a whole a pint of cider because some Herbert dropped a coin in it, I can categorically state that Gareth Bale would still be Scum,” said the Pikey boss afterwards from a park bench.

But the 50p game has struck back, claiming that the Pikey gaffer necked the cider five minutes after the Bale debacle.

“If he had half a pound of sense he’d see that it’s all his fault. He’s a spent force in the Kenna,” said the 50p game, a shadowy figure who’s never been seen in daylight but only turns up once the Judean Peoples’ Front manager is half cut.

The whole affair is widely being held as the biggest Bramble blunder since the Vasco De Beauvoir manager lost £40m Sergio Aguero at the pre-season auction in August and was left with the services of nightclub dust up’s Leroy Lita.

Gareth Bale went on to be bought by Bala Rinas for £26m. A video of the sale is the second highest result on a YouTube search of ‘Julian Assange Anders Breivik’.

Seasoned mariner

A goal from new signing Shola Ameobi was not enough to take away the bad taste left in the Spartak Mogadishu manager’s mouth after the transfer window.

“Yarrrr! Which yellow-bellied landlubber filled me bag with salt and pepper shakers? When I got back to me cabin me iPatch t’was covered with condiments! If I gets me hook on the scoundrel he’ll be keelhauled and that be certain!” threatened the briny Somali, who controversially did not wear a ‘Kick It Out’ T-shirt to the window.

Look out this Friday for the group stages draw of the Cannestan Combi Cup on Twitter @jeffkennaleague

League table

Week 9 - 30 October 2012

Week 9 – 30 October 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 PSV Mornington El Pons 43 3
2 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 33 1
3 Headless Chickens John N 29 1
4 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 29 0
5 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 28 2
6 Woking Mike 28 1
7 Dynamo Charlton Alex 26 1
8 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 25 1
9 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 24 1
10 Piedmonte Phil 24 0
11 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 22 0
12 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 21 1
13 Just put Carles Carles 19 2
14 Bala Rinas Lewis 18 1
15 Northern Monkeys Hugo 18 1
16 Greendale Rockets Stu 17 0
17 Pikey Scum Jack 17 0
18 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 16 0
19 FC Testicluadew James N 15 1
20 Newington Reds Dudley 14 0
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Scenes we’d like to see

Newington Reds manager with fax

Out of ideas: Despite the club’s Head of Ideas working tirelessly at the photocopier, the Reds gaffer was at a loss

IN-FORM forward Moussa Dembele shrugging his shoulders in utter confusion and pulling a face after getting the boot from Newington Reds.

A life-sized cardboard cut out of Luka Modric holding a rocket propelled grenade launcher being dumped in the skip behind the club shop at Spartak Mogadishu’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager giving Mario Balotelli his marching orders before giving his full backing to errant Cameroonian Olympic womens’ reserve team goalkeeper Drusille Ngako.

A clip of Yohan Cabeye on a French television light entertainment show putting an effigy of the Woking manager made entirely of garlic bread into a guillotine.

Lukas Podolski winding down his car window as he leaves the FC Testiculadew training ground for the last time and tells journalists: “I cannot Adam unt Eve it. My loaf it goz in Angela Merkels.”

These are some of the images we’d like to bring you from this week’s transfer deadline day, but instead the best on offer is this picture of the Newington Reds manager struggling to get the club’s creaking infrastructure into action.

“I’ve tried sending the request through four times on the office fax, and a further three times on an internet-based free fax service but it just won’t work,” said the Reds boss late on Tuesday night, pinpointing exactly why it wasn’t working.

The legal team at Kenna HQ were beginning to research how many fax-based emails from one manager would constitute harassment when in waded the Chairman.

“It’s obvious the Newington Reds manager has done his best to complete transfer business well before the deadline and he’s provided evidence of his attempts to do so by fax, so we’ll award him the £10m transfer-fund bonus,” he said.

Upon discovering the girl in the background of the photo was the club’s Head of Ideas, the Chairman was not so magnanimous.

“I’ll give you an idea, love: get a new, bloody fax machine!” he said.

Tonight’s transfer window

This evening managers will go head to head at auction to fill the gaps in their teams. Bonuses for submitting transfers on time earlier this week by fax machine mean the small number of available players tonight will go for vastly inflated fees.

Managers can pick Premier League footballers from two separate lists, but may not buy back anyone they’ve released:

  • The Unsigned – Not recruited by any club in August’s pre-season auction, these players are still available.
  • The Journeymen – Deemed surplus to requirements, these players find themselves back on the market.

New signings will begin scoring points for their new clubs next weekend.

Remaining budgets and gaps to fill

Team Gaps Budget
Vasco De Beauvoir Five £73.5m
Woking Seven £60m
Bala Rinas Five £52.5m
FC Testiculadew Four £51m
Pikey Scum Four £51.5m
PSV Mornington Seven £45m
Headless Chickens Four £44m
Northern Monkeys Two £40m
Dynamo Charlton Three £38m
Still Don’t Know Yet Two £36m
Hairy Fadjeetas Two £36.5m
Greendale Rockets Four £31m
Spartak Mogadishu Three £28.5m
Newington Reds Four £26m
Sporting Lesbian Three £26.5m
Wandsworth Window Lickers Two £25.5m
Piedmonte Four £25.5m
Lokomotiv Leeds Four £16m
Judean Peoples’ Front Four £19m

Easy targets

Tirowka

Gone in a flash: unsigned, in-form players are expected to be snapped up at Friday’s transfer window

NOWHERE is the enterprise and work ethic of the Polish nation in more evidence than this lay-by 100 miles south of the Baltic coast.

Among the lakes and woodlands of Europe’s Great Northern Plain, this blurry lady patiently plies her trade for just, local knowledge maintains, 35 zlotys a time (£7).

While this roadside boudoir, which consists of a green, plastic garden chair for waiting and a forest for everything else, gives both the lonely and the lasivious a secluded liaison, it also offers the more unconventional, shovel-carrying punter plenty of options.

Kenna managers will be hoping that this Friday’s transfer window is just as open a hunting ground, but with up to £10m in bonuses for submitting players to be released by Wednesday’s 12pm deadline and just a handful of desirable footballers available, competition will be fierce.

With the unsigned, in-form talent likely to attract large sums of money, managers may be forced, like the lay-by lady, to focus their efforts mainly on journeymen.

Top-scoring unsigned players

Strikers: Kone, Wigan (39 points), Shane Long, West Brom (36 points), Petric, Fulham (28 points), Di Santo, Wigan (27 points), Ricardo Vaz Te, West Ham (27 points)

Midfielders: Damian Duff, Fulham (35 points), Kightly, Stoke (24 points), McAnuff, Reading (23 points), Kacaniklic, Fulham (23 points), Raheem Sterling, Liverpool (22 points)

Defenders: Reid, West Ham (38 points), Jenkinson, Arsenal (27 points), Mertesacker, Arsenal (25 points), Chris Baird, Fulham (24 points), Kolorov, Man City (22 points)

Goalkeepers: Begovic, Stoke (23 points), Mannone, Arsenal (19 points)

League table

Week 8 - 23 October 2012

Week 8 – 23 October 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 PSV Mornington El Pons 34 4
2 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 31 1
3 Just put Carles Carles 28 2
4 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 28 2
5 Greendale Rockets Stu 26 3
6 Northern Monkeys Hugo 26 2
7 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 22 1
8 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 22 1
9 Woking Mike 22 1
10 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 20 0
11 Bala Rinas Lewis 19 1
12 Piedmonte Phil 19 0
13 Dynamo Charlton Alex 18 0
14 FC Testicluadew James N 18 0
15 Newington Reds Dudley 17 0
16 Pikey Scum Jack 16 2
17 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 16 0
18 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 12 0
19 Headless Chickens John N 11 0
20 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 6 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Mata, J – CHE – MID
Club PSV Mornington

 


Just one, Borini

Cornetto

He’s from Bologna, in Italy: Fabio Borini’s summer is over unless he can find the net

There was a gentle tapping at the door.

“Enter!” said the Vasco De Beauvoir manager from his desk. It was performance review day.

A gauche Fabio Borini shuffled in wearing the club’s new training kit: brown with pink lightening bolts. The Vasco manager gestured towards the empty chair in the middle of the room. The Italian gingerly seated himself.

“Do you know why I’ve asked you in?” said the Vasco boss. He glowered, visibly on edge.

Borini looked at the floor.

“That’s right,” continued the manager, starting to toy with a silver letter opener. “I’d like to talk to you about expectations.”

The last word the Vasco manager pronounced very slowly. It was imperative he dragged the team out of this rut. Ever since the 2010 treble, results had dwindled. His empire was crumbling.

The Italian knew what was coming and rallied. He rattled out: “It’s just a matter of time for me. The same thing happened last season. I scored one goal before October, then got injured for three months and after that I scored my second goal in January.

“From January until March I scored eight goals. I know from past experience that the goals will come. In Swansea I scored six goals from March until May. The goals do com….”

“January! Fucking January!” yelled the Vasco boss, stabbing the paper knife into the polished mahogany desk and springing to his feet. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed in between picking up 10 fucking appearance points in the last two months, but we’re bottom of the fucking league!

“I need you to start pulling something out your arse, Sonny Jim, or you won’t just find yourself with the knife between your teeth, or whatever that contrived goal celebration is about, you’ll find this fucking letter opener giving you a Chelsea fucking smile!”

As he delivered this impassioned vitriol, the Vasco manager had picked up the dagger, moved around the desk and ended the outburst pointing it, shaking with rage, an inch from the quaking 21-year-old’s nose.

“B..b..but..” he stammered.

“Don’t fucking ‘but’ me,” screamed the Vasco boss, spittle hitting the Italian’s face. “I spent a lot of time justifying to the board why I forked out £19m for you. I told them you’re the next fucking Aguero.”

Borini knew better than to react at this last comment. Jermaine Pennant had been dropped after one start for mentioning the Argentine’s name in a team meeting.

“Now, let’s make a deal, “said the Vasco manager in a conciliatory yet strained voice. “You start scoring goals and I won’t sling you out of here like the slovenly luxury player you want to be.”

As he nodded his assent, Borini was saved by a knock at the door. He would not be the only player to get this one-on-one motivational talk today.

“And speaking of slovenly luxury players,” the Vasco boss was genial again. The head of Tomas Rosicky popped around the door.

“Come in Tomas. Fabio was just leaving,” said the gaffer. “Now tell me: why shouldn’t I injure your other shin?”

League table

Week 7 - 9 October 2012

Week 7 – 9 October 2012

Weekly scores

    Manager Points Goals
1 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 39 2
2 Newington Reds Dudley 33 3
3 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 33 2
4 Greendale Rockets Stu 31 1
5 Northern Monkeys Hugo 30 2
6 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 30 2
7 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 27 2
8 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 27 1
9 Headless Chickens John N 26 2
10 Piedmonte Phil 26 1
11 Pikey Scum Jack 26 1
12 Woking Mike 21 1
13 FC Testicluadew James N 21 0
14 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 20 1
15 PSV Mornington El Pons 19 0
16 Just put Carles Carles 18 0
17 Bala Rinas Lewis 15 1
18 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 9 0
19 Dynamo Charlton Alex 7 0
20 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 5 0

This is England

St George's flag

In his heart: Piedmonte players have been made to watch Dambusters to practice their formation

THERE HAVEN’T been many positives in the career of the erstwhile Piedmonte manager.

For seven disappointing years he plied his trade in the Kenna at the helm of Thieving Magpies, sticking to the same dogged loyalty of picking England players to do a job that foreigners will perform with twice the results for half the transfer fee.

After starting their Kenna career with positive third and second place finishes in the opening two seasons, Thieving Magpies spent five years in steady decline. Supporters were patient, but when January’s nadir came with the manager admitting he couldn’t go out locally, it was only a matter of time before he got the boot.

Taking the reins of new club Piedmonte, it looked like the manager had made the same St George’s flag lapel badge blunders of the dark times at ‘Pies, but Darren Bent and Frank Lampard have come charging out of the blocks, ably assisted by Nathan Dyer and Ricky Lambert.

Even the inclusion of his preferred goalkeeper Rob Green appears a masterstroke. The former England man doesn’t get a sniff of action in goal at Loftus Road, where so many away strikers do.

“I like football the English way. It’s about keeping them honest,” said the Piedmonte manager, making the first team’s only foreigners Rafael and Fabricio Coloccini practice slide tackling on the training ground’s goalposts before sending them to buy runner beans from an untended table in a nearby village and checking they’d left some money.

The manager’s dogmatic approach has already caused ripples at the club, with £17m Dutch playmaker Rafael van der Vaart leaving for the Bundesliga.

“I’ve got the utmost respect for Rafa, but to be fair he was a bit of a luxury player,” said the gaffer, who went on to deny rumours the midfielder had left because the team had been made to watch ‘Escape to Victory’ before every match.

League table

Week 6 - 2 October 2012

Week 6 – 2 October 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 43 4
2 Pikey Scum Jack 30 1
3 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 28 2
4 PSV Mornington El Pons 27 3
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 24 2
6 Just put Carles Carles 24 1
7 FC Testicluadew James N 23 3
8 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 23 1
9 Newington Reds Dudley 21 1
10 Greendale Rockets Stu 20 1
11 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 20 1
12 Northern Monkeys Hugo 20 1
13 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 20 1
14 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 19 0
15 Headless Chickens John N 17 1
16 Piedmonte Phil 17 1
17 Dynamo Charlton Alex 13 0
18 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 12 0
19 Woking Mike 7 0
20 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 6 0
Points Player
Player of the week 20 Suarez, L – LIV – STR
Club Sporting Lesbian