A COLLECTIVE sigh of relief was heard on Friday in the vicinity of the relegation zone as Harry Redknapp took a new job.
The Bala Rinas, Woking and Vasco De Beauvoir managers were finding the maverick cockney’s ever-increasing punditry appearances uncomfortable viewing as he hinted at his future with every piece of analysis.
After seeing highlights of another awful performance from the last-placed club, Match of the Day’s Gary Lineker came straight out with it a week last Saturday, asking Redknapp if he fancied the job.
“As a recognised specialist of taking the reins of a struggling club just before the January transfer window and turning their fortunes around with a few chance signings that will financially drive them into the ground a couple of years after I’ve left, it would be inappropriate of me to comment on whether I’d take the job,” said Redknapp as a text from the Bala Rinas board with details of possible bonus payments for avoiding relegation silently buzzed in his jacket pocket.
“I happened to be in the De Beauvoir area this week, just driving around,” continued a deadpan Redknapp. “A TV reporter stopped me outside the ground and I did a quick interview through the car window like.
“He asked me if I’d seen the team’s latest defeat on the Roger Mellie, but I had to confess I hadn’t. I don’t get much chance to watch football because the daughter-in-law’s always round on the Nintendo Wii.
“Anyway, I’d rather watch her playing Just Dance 4 than this bunch of muppets.”
Canesten Combi Cup – latest scores
Ten matches have already been played in this week’s Cup group stage bumper fixture list. With another 10 to go only Headless Chickens have a clear advantage, although how their manager must rue selling Theo Walcott in the transfer window.
|2||Judean Peoples’ Front||Sholto||37||0|
|4||Headless Chickens||John N||33||1|
|6||FC Testicluadew||James N||31||1|
|8||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||26||1|
|12||Just put Carles||Carles||21||0|
|13||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||21||0|
|15||Wandsworth Window Lickers||Will||19||0|
|16||PSV Mornington||El Pons||16||0|
|18||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||14||0|
|19||Vasco De Beauvoir||Stix||14||0|
|Player of the week||17||Gomez, J – WIG – MID|
THE SOCIETY of Black Lawyers has waded into football matters yet again by lodging an official police complaint that tea is too milky at Kenna HQ.
Labelling the Kenna institutionally racist, the pressure group has linked the league’s alleged liberal use of dairy products to a fight in a Leicester nightclub and someone somewhere being called names.
Faced with an official police investigation, the Kenna League Chairman has been forced to defend the organisation in the media.
He said: “These accusations are baseless. I can’t stand milky tea and I won’t stand for it. The very thought that this kind of thing could be going on at the very heart of the Kenna makes me feel sick to the stomach.
“Why anyone would like milky tea – with its tepid, weak taste – is absolutely beyond me. Personally, I like to get something hot and black inside me first thing in the morning. I find nothing more exhilarating.”
Society of Black Lawyers Chairman Peter Herbert said: “The Luis Suarez and John Terry scandals over racism really highlighted just how much media coverage we could get for our cause. The problem now is that they’ve faded from the public eye, and so have we.
“We thought the incident involving Mark Clattenburg and John Obi Mikel might have legs, but nothing’s come of it, so really we’re just trying to jump of any bandwagon that will get me back on Sky News. Did I mention I’m available for after dinner speaking?”
Kenna diversity champion the Spartak Mogadishu manager rubbished claims that pigeonholing was rife in the league.
“Yarrrrr! Pigeonhaulin’? To be sure ye mean keelhaulin’, and every man in the league get a fair chance o’ that if he be crossin’ me,” said the swashbuckling Somali outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.
The Kenna Chairman added: “Equality and diversity is very important to us and everyone has a right not to be victimised regardless of race, nationality, gender or sexual orientation.”
Sporting Lesbian kicked off their attempt at the double with a thumping 5-0 win over Spartak Mogadishu in Canesten Combi Cup group C.
|1||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||41||5|
|2||Headless Chickens||John N||38||2|
|4||Judean Peoples’ Front||Sholto||30||1|
|7||Wandsworth Window Lickers||Will||25||1|
|12||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||21||2|
|13||FC Testicluadew||James N||21||0|
|15||Vasco De Beauvoir||Stix||19||1|
|16||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||18||0|
|17||Just put Carles||Carles||17||1|
|20||PSV Mornington||El Pons||13||1|
|Player of the week||15||Suarez, L – LIV – STR|
THERE COMES a time in most Kenna managers’ careers when they know that chances of winning the league are all but over for the season.
Despite the customary early-August, post auction-night complaint that the evening’s excess led to poor decision making and an impending mid-table finish, the pilot light of hope cannot but be ignited when Martin Skrtel starts a potentially record-breaking run by nodding in a couple of summer goals or Peter Crouch begins making runs as darting and incisive as a deer fleeing from an aggressive deforestation programme.
As any experienced boiler room Kenna sheepskin will tell you, these wholesome facades are quickly dashed in autumn, once the new guy who signed the most precocious and unpopular talent emerges as the favourite. The old adage stands firm: no one ever wins buying players they like, especially if those players are English.
So as the rugby club fireworks fizzle out and the giant green shopping centre reindeer go up, here are the warning signs that your chance of winning the league may not be all you think it’s cracked up to be:
- You celebrate every one of your player’s goals so wildly the other half pops in to check you haven’t stepped in a bear trap
- Two of your five signings in the first transfer window are yet to score, and unlikely to feature any time soon
- Each time Wigan Athletic go one up you convince yourself it’s Emerson Boyce, only to be disappointed yet again by the vidiprinter
- You’ve earmarked Jason Puncheon as an excellent way to strengthen your midfield in the February transfer window
- Of your own free will, you bought Titus Bramble
- The PSV Mornington manager phones to tell you how well his team are doing
- When given the chance to discharge her at the transfer window, you opt to keep missing Cameroon Olympic women’s football team reserve goalkeeper Drusille Ngako
- Watching Match of the Day is a constant reminder that everything you think you know about football is wrong.
The Canesten Combi Cup starts this weekend, with eight matches going on in the four groups.
The team scoring the most goals in each match will take three points.
“The new cup format, exclusive to the Kenna, encourages managers to take an active interest in the weekend’s goal action,” reads the condescending league-branded bumph.
“We suggest you check out your opponent’s team ahead of Saturday and feel everything scored going in, whether that be pleasurable or an unwanted surprise.
“And remember that own goals count against you.”
Week off: Dynamo Charlton
Week off: Headless Chickens
Week off: Newington Reds
Week off: Wandsworth Window Lickers
|1||FC Testicluadew||James N||38||2|
|2||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||32||2|
|3||Vasco De Beauvoir||Stix||27||1|
|5||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||25||2|
|7||Just put Carles||Carles||25||0|
|9||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||24||2|
|13||PSV Mornington||El Pons||20||0|
|15||Judean Peoples’ Front||Sholto||18||1|
|16||Wandsworth Window Lickers||Will||18||1|
|17||Headless Chickens||John N||15||0|
QUESTIONS are being asked by the Kenna HQ bean counters after the Chairman made a suspicious expenses claim for the Canestan Combi Cup group stage draw.
Dancing girls, lobsters and Nubian boys hired to pick only the blue M&Ms from hundreds of packets all found their way into a receipt submitted to the apparatus, as well as costs for an exclusive central London venue.
Sponsors and the media had been told the cup group stage draw, from which the top four teams from each group will progress to the knockout stages, had put Kenna HQ on a level with the London 2012 opening ceremony and the Queen’s Diamond Jubliee.
But evidence has been unearthed that the draw was a shabby, two-bit affair performed by the Chairman using nothing more than a handful of post-it notes, a beanie hat and four sides of A4 paper.
“These rumours are absolutely preposterous. There were girls in bikinis serving a lavish menu to a handful of global megastars. I can’t believe that social media reporting live from the event didn’t make that clear,” said the Chairman when confronted with a twitpic of the Spartak Mogadishu manager’s high top.
In light of the evidence, the Kenna HQ finance department is now asking for the £80,087,322 claimed by the Chairman back again.
The Canestan Combi Cup group stage matches will be played over five game weeks between now and the February transfer window.
In each game week two teams will compete head to head. The team that scores the most goals in that week will claim three points.
|1||PSV Mornington||El Pons||33||2|
|3||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||32||2|
|4||Wandsworth Window Lickers||Will||31||4|
|5||Judean Peoples’ Front||Sholto||31||0|
|6||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||28||1|
|8||Vasco De Beauvoir||Stix||24||0|
|9||FC Testicluadew||James N||23||0|
|12||Headless Chickens||John N||21||0|
|15||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||16||1|
|18||Just put Carles||Carles||15||0|