Public enemy hole in one

Ombersley golf club

19th hole: The Chairman and former Dan Terry Seduction manager enjoy a well-earned drink

NOT MANY can endure the constant pressure of top level football management for long, and the Kenna League is no exception.

For every Sir Alex Ferguson, Jose Mourinho and Vasco De Beauvoir manager there are countless others who have passed on from the game to other arenas in which their skills are more suited.

One such example is the former Dan Terry Seduction manager, who readers of these pages will last recall steering the club to relegation in 2012 after a disastrous campaign in which he failed to woo players, the board or even a young journalist.

But whereas reports of his failed effort to slip a roofy to a girl from the local newspaper stretched credulity, the former DTS manager’s present crusade of villainy at a pay-and-play golf club in middle England is more than plausible.

“All the members act like it’s some exclusive club but they miss one point: they’re all sh1t at golf,” he explained during a round with the Kenna chairman on Monday, confirming common knowledge that most amateur golf club members’ enthusiasm for dress code and etiquette far outweigh their prowess on the course.

Retiring from the Kenna last summer, the former DTS boss relocated to Worcestershire to immediately begin his full-time campaign of terror midway through a competitive round.

With one parent on the committee and the other a popular member, particularly in the bar, the ex-Kenna man managed to wipe out his own respectability in one swoop by driving the ball over the heads of the group in front. A fourball that included the club pro.

As the angry scratch golfer marched 250 yards back up the fairway to deliver a furious, expletive-filled tirade, the former DTS boss heeded advice and kept his counsel. But far from being chastened by the experience, the out-of-work manager responded the only way he knew how: by taking the incident as an invitation to start leaving his car in the club pro’s reserved parking space.

“As part of my membership I get a free hour lesson with the club pro, but neither of us wants me to take that one up!” joked the former DTS manager as he produced a scrunched up voucher for a free 18-hole round.

His notoriety secured, the former Seduction boss turned his singular charm to that most sacred of clubhouse property – the notice board.

Eager to get some more competitions under his belt, weather permitting, he signed up for a contest on one condition. An asterix next to his scribbled name directed administrators to the bottom of the sheet to find: ‘*unless it’s snowing in which case I’ll stay in bed’.

Accosted by a senior lady member laster the day, the fairweather golfer was told that under no circumstances was he to deface club property in such a fashion. To the cheeky wag this was yet another chink in their armour.

Fans of 90s Canadian comedy TV show The Kids in the Hall will remember a sketch in which a balaclava-clad athlete with a catchy alias promises only to reveal his true identity once he climbs, ultimately unsuccessfully, to the top of a leisure centre squash ladder.

Taking inspiration from the show, but betrayed by his membership number, the former DTS boss received a curt phone call from a club apparatchik the day after signing up for the next competition and informed that it was not considered club etiquette to call himself ‘The Eradicator’.

So what’s next for the ex-Kenna man?

“I’ve thrown a couple of rounds with the old man to get my handicap up, so in the next Stableford contest I’ll romp home with 70 points. Who cares? It’s not exactly the Belfry,” he said.

Last 16 cup results (aggregate)

Vasco De Beauvoir 3 – 0  Headless Chickens

Still Don’t Know Yet 3 – 1 Piedmonte

PSV Mornington 0 – 2 Just Put Carles

Woking 1 – 2 Sporting Lesbian

Greendale Rockets 0 – 2 Northern Monkeys

Hairy Fadjeetas 1 – 2 Spartak Mogadishu

Dynamo Charlton 1 – 1 Pikey Scum (Dynamo go through on most points scored in second leg)

FC Testiculadew 2 – 0 Lokomotiv Leeds

League table

Week 26 - 26 February 2013

Week 26 – 26 February 2013

Weekly scores

 

Manager Points Goals
1 Northern Monkeys Hugo 35 3
2 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 35 2
3 Piedmonte Phil 34 2
4 Just put Carles Carles 33 1
5 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 32 1
6 FC Testicluadew James N 29 2
7 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 28 0
8 Bala Rinas Lewis 26 2
9 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 26 1
10 Dynamo Charlton Alex 24 1
11 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 23 1
12 Newington Reds Dudley 22 2
13 Woking Mike 22 1
14 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 21 2
15 PSV Mornington El Pons 17 0
16 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 16 0
17 Pikey Scum Jack 14 0
18 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 13 0
19 Greendale Rockets Stu 9 0
20 Headless Chickens John N 9 0
Points Player
Player of the week 14 Figueroa, M – WIG – DEF
Club Sporting Lesbian

 

 

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Oscar’s night

Browning 9mm Pistol

Shooter: Sporting Lesbian have scored 11 more goals than the next highest club this season

THE CASUAL Kenna manager must be hoping for some kind of Oscar Pistorius turn of fortune to beset Messrs Suarez and Aguero.

The Sporting Lesbian duo are fast leaving the rest of league behind. Chasing managers are wondering why their midnight trip to the John is being interrupted by the sound of a strange padding noise outside their bathroom door.

Chipping in with a paltry two appearance points, Maynor Figueroa was the only other Sporting man to contribute this week, but still the side outperformed all but one other.

No stranger to automatic weapons himself, Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager made his team’s case for a place in Europe as Jose Enrique and Ashley Cole both put in strong showings.

At the bottom Woking slipped even further away from safety. The manager’s competence has already been doubted by the highest authorities. How long until the club has their very own Night of the Short Blades?

Canesten Combi Cup second leg of the last 16 this weekend. Away goals count. Download the free wallchart.

League table

Week 25 - 19 February 2013

Week 25 – 19 February 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 36 5
2 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 30 3
3 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 30 1
4 Dynamo Charlton Alex 22 2
5 Newington Reds Dudley 21 1
6 Piedmonte Phil 20 1
7 Just put Carles Carles 19 0
8 Pikey Scum Jack 17 1
9 Greendale Rockets Stu 15 1
10 Headless Chickens John N 14 1
11 FC Testicluadew James N 13 1
12 PSV Mornington El Pons 12 1
13 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 12 0
14 Bala Rinas Lewis 11 0
15 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 10 0
16 Woking Mike 8 0
17 Northern Monkeys Hugo 7 0
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 6 0
19 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 6 0
20 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 6 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Aguero, S – MCY – STR
Club Sporting Lesbian

Chairman eyes Vatican job

Popemobile

Space just outside heaven: Managers attending the August auction may need to kiss the chairman’s ring

THE KENNA League chairman has thrown his funny hat in the ring to become the next Pope.

The Catholic Church was left in the hunt for a new leader yesterday after Benedict XVI became the first pontiff in 600 years to resign.

Despite not being a cardinal or even a Catholic, the Kenna chairman, who was recognised in the Queen’s New Year’s honours list to become Sir Nimrod Rodgers-Boyce, claims he has the perfect credentials for the job.

He said: “The Vatican may have a following of 1.2bn compared to our smaller league membership [of 20], but the issues are the same. Most of my flock freely engage in intimate pre-marital relations, and if the stories are true a few of them enjoy going bareback with strangers too.”

Asked how he’d tackle the high-profile issue of child abuse in the church that dogged the last incumbent’s papacy, Rodgers-Boyce said his in-depth knowledge of the Kenna League’s draconian forfeit process – the Titus Bramble ruling – would more than prepare him for the role.

“During my eight years in charge a lot more people than just Kenna managers officially complained after forcibly having their pants pulled down by Titus Bramble.”

The Vatican are yet to comment.

Cup scores – Last 16 first leg

Five teams picked up crucial away goals, including Hairy Fadjeetas on a precarious visit to the Horn of Africa.

The second leg will take place on 26 February.

Kenna HQ has produced a gnatty wallchart to keep track of the latest cup developments. Download your free copy from The Rub on the right hand side of the page.

Vasco De Beauvoir 3 – 0 Headless Chickens
Ramires
Puncheon
McAuley

Still Don’t Know Yet 1 – 1 Piedmonte
RVP                                        Lampard

Just Put Carles 2 – 0 PSV Mornington
Maloney
Rangel

Woking 0 – 2 Sporting Lesbian
                          Michu x2

Greendale Rockets 0 – 2 Northern Monkeys
                                           Cazorla
                                            Dzeko

Spartak Mogadishu 2 – 1 Hairy Fadjeetas
Benteke                               Hazard
Lukaku

Dynamo Charlton 0 – 1 Pikey Scum
                                        Huth

Lokomotiv Leeds 0 – 0 FC Testiculadew

League table

Week 24 - 12 February 2013

Week 24 – 12 February 2013

Weekly scores

    Manager Points Goals
1 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 40 3
2 Just put Carles Carles 40 2
3 Northern Monkeys Hugo 39 2
4 Piedmonte Phil 35 1
5 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 32 2
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 31 3
7 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 31 2
8 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 29 0
9 Pikey Scum Jack 28 1
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 24 1
11 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 23 1
12 PSV Mornington El Pons 22 0
13 Dynamo Charlton Alex 21 0
14 FC Testicluadew James N 20 0
15 Greendale Rockets Stu 20 0
16 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 19 1
17 Headless Chickens John N 17 0
18 Newington Reds Dudley 14 0
19 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 11 0
20 Woking Mike 11 0
         
    Points Player  
  Player of the week 15 Michu – SWA – MID  
    Club Sporting Lesbian  

Woking fingered in Europol match fix probe

Bramble jersey handover 1Feb13 anon

Funny looking brown envelope: The Woking manager (right) accepts the Bramble jersey at Friday’s transfer window

WOKING emerged from the transfer window in the unsavoury spotlight of the match fixing allegations sweeping Europe.

The struggling club’s truly lacklustre debut season left Europol with little doubt that an Asian betting syndicate must be involved.

Handed the Bramble jersey at Friday night’s transfer window for being last-placed in the Kenna League, the Woking manager insisted there was nothing fishy going on at the club.

“I’ve just been unlucky in the transfer market,” said the Woking boss, who only has Leighton Baines left from his original eleven in August. “Who are Europol anyway? They sound like something from a second-rate sci-fi movie. What are they doing to do? Come after me with Judge Dread and Commander Worf?”

However, the European Union’s law enforcement agency dropped the charges soon after discovering that, amongst other glaring examples of tactical shortsightedness, Shane Long had scored just hours after being ditched by the Woking manager.

Rob Wainwright, director of Europol, said: “Having investigated Woking in more detail we’ve come the conclusion that the manger’s ineptitude excuses him of any wrongdoing. He’s bought Stewart Downing, for crying out loud.”

League table

Week 23 - 5 February 2013

Week 23 – 5 February 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Piedmonte Phil 50 4
2 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 39 2
3 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 36 2
4 Bala Rinas Lewis 34 1
5 PSV Mornington El Pons 33 2
6 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 33 0
7 Newington Reds Dudley 30 3
8 Just put Carles Carles 30 1
9 Northern Monkeys Hugo 28 2
10 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 26 2
11 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 26 1
12 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 23 0
13 Dynamo Charlton Alex 21 0
14 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 20 1
15 Woking Mike 20 0
16 Pikey Scum Jack 19 1
17 FC Testicluadew James N 18 0
18 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 16 0
19 Headless Chickens John N 15 0
20 Greendale Rockets Stu 13 1
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Fellaini, M – EVE – MID
Club Wandsworth Window Lickers

 


Mad Dog and Englishmen

Emanuel Pogatetz

Face off: Emanuel Pogatetz was booked 20 times in 2006

EMANUEL Pogatetz has snatched the spotlight ahead of tonight’s transfer window as competition for his signature reaches fever pitch.

As managers make the traditional preparations of a Cornish pasty and quick internet search before attending this evening’s auction at Trafalgar Square hot spot The Two Chairmen, pulses throb at the commitment and passion the Austrian defender, known as ‘Mad Dog’, can bring to any side.

Hairy Fadjeetas and Still Don’t Know Yet are both reported to be in the chase, with the manager of the latter team has jettisoned Gary O’Neil and Carl Jenkinson to make way for Pogatetz.

Quizzed by hacks outside the Undecided Road stadium about his decision to keep Turkey-bound defender Anton Ferdinand, as well as absentee goalkeeper Drusille Ngako, the Still Don’t Know Yet manager said through his rolled down car window: “Anton’s a mere detail. Do you think Napoleon focused on every individual soldier? No, he was looking at the big picture, and so am I.”

After the midweek games, the club slipped down the table to one place above the relegation zone (latest table below).

As for Emanuel Pogatetz, his Kenna credentials are beyond dispute. In the January 2008 he joined The Trinny Men (whose manager is now at Bala Rinas), helping the team to last.

Follow the action from tonight’s Kenna transfer window live on @jeffkennaleague

Free agents – headlines

  • Shane Long scored this week just hours after being released by Woking. The Irishman is likely to be starting every game now that Wandsworth Window Licker Peter Odemwingie is living in his 4×4 in west London.
  • PSV Mornington has chosen the magic of Mata over the boundless goal-scoring of Demba Ba.
  • Daniel Sturridge is back on the market after being released by Just Put Carles, who also scrapped Danny Welbeck.
  • Fernando Torres could go for a cut-price fee after being handed his P45 by the Newington Reds manager.

For full details of released players and available budgets for each team click here or check the The Rub (top right of this page).

League table

Kenna table - 31 January 2013

Kenna table – 31 January 2013