Attack, Midfield, Defence: winners and losers

Anders Breivik

Attack: The Still Don’t Know Yet front pair came top in a straight comparison (photo courtesy of Pan African News Wire)

THE KENNA League is jumping on the pundit bandwagon about the Per Mertesacker and Laurent Koscielny partnership being the basis of Arsenal’s realised European ambition.

The four best defences in the Kenna this season helped their team to a top-half finish. Joe Hart, Ashley Cole and Jose Enrique shared a tremendous season at Judean Peoples’ Front to crown the team best at the back.

In midfield, the Just Put Carles manager’s decision to stick with his starting four of Arteta, Silva, Osman and Henderson – more likely through not turning up to transfer windows than anything else – paid dividends.

Despite winning the league on Sunday with the most goals scored of any side, Sporting Lesbian fell short in defence and midfield for which the front pair of Luis Suarez and Sergio Aguero more than atoned. Only Robin van Persie and Arouna Kone at Still Don’t Know Yet did better.

The Sporting manager’s celebratory tweet today suggests a William Hill account has taken a bit of beating over the last few months.

Defence (final league position)

1 Judean Peoples’ Front (3) 543
2 Piedmonte (4) 466
3 Spartak Mogadishu (8) 463
4 Just Put Carles (5) 420
5 Pikey Scum (15) 415
6 Newington Reds (11) 409
7 Sporting Lesbian (1) 400
8 Bala Rinas (13) 392
9 FC Testiculadew (2) 386
10 Lokomotiv Leeds (7) 383
11 Greendale Rockets (17) 382
12 Headless Chickens (16) 372
13 PSV Mornington (10) 368
14 Vasco De Beauvoir (18) 356
15 Northern Monkeys (12) 355
16 Woking (20) 346
17 Wandsworth Window Lickers (19) 343
18 Dynamo Charlton (6) 337
19 Hairy Fadjeetas (9) 266
20 Still Don’t Know Yet (14) 207

Midfield (final league position)

1 Just Put Carles (5) 474
2 Dynamo Charlton (6) 456
3 Hairy Fadjeetas (9) 440
4 Headless Chickens (16) 399
5 FC Testiculadew (2) 395
6 Northern Monkeys (12) 393
7 PSV Mornington (10) 376
8 Sporting Lesbian (1) 375
9 Piedmonte (4) 362
10 Spartak Mogadishu (8) 336
11 Wandsworth Window Lickers (19) 334
12 Pikey Scum (15) 332
13 Newington Reds (11) 331
14 Greendale Rockets (17) 318
15 Bala Rinas (13) 305
16 Lokomotiv Leeds (7) 296
17 Judean Peoples’ Front (3) 295
18 Woking (20) 283
19 Vasco De Beauvoir (18) 268
20 Still Don’t Know Yet (14) 243

Attack (final league position)

1 Still Don’t Know Yet (14) 397
2 Sporting Lesbian (1) 378
3 FC Testiculadew (2) 297
4 Lokomotiv Leeds (7) 278
5 Dynamo Charlton (6) 278
6 PSV Mornington (10) 264
7 Newington Reds (11) 258
8 Northern Monkeys (12) 256
9 Spartak Mogadishu (8) 254
10 Judean Peoples’ Front (3) 251
11 Piedmonte (4) 251
12 Vasco De Beauvoir (18) 236
13 Hairy Fadjeetas (9) 218
14 Greendale Rockets (17) 209
15 Pikey Scum (15) 198
16 Bala Rinas (13) 197
17 Just Put Carles (5) 184
18 Wandsworth Window Lickers (19) 169
19 Woking (20) 163
20 Headless Chickens (16) 152
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End-of-season performance review: the best, the worst, the mediocre

Phallic golf trophy

Sweet taste of success: The Sporting Lesbian manager is cock-a-hoop after licking the competition hard (photo courtesy of absurdness.com)

HE TRIED his hardest to mess it up at the end, but the Sporting Lesbian manager still cruised to victory.

Looking back at May’s turkey of the month award, the Sporting boss will be keen to welcome the return of the banned Luis Suarez next season, as will every other club in the league if he stays on these shores.

Vanquished champion the FC Testiculadew manager is consoled with second place. Expect him to come back strong and remorseless.

The Newington Reds and Just Put Carles managers shared April’s manager of the month award, which means just a fiver each for them.

The sacked Woking manager may have to review his transfer policy ahead of the new campaign after picking up turkey of the month awards in the immediate aftermath of both transfer windows.

The best (prize money)

Sporting Lesbian – League champions plus August’s and November’s manager of the month (£120), also May’s turkey of the month

FC Testiculadew – League runners up plus September’s manager of the month (£50)

Judean Peoples’ Front – Third place and February’s manager of the month (£20)

Spartak Mogadishu – Canesten Combi Cup winners (£20)

Lokomotiv Leeds – January’s and March’s manager of the month (£20)

PSV Mornington – October’s manager of the month (£10), also August’s turkey of the month

Pikey Scum – December’s manager of the month (£10)

Dynamo Charlton – May’s manager of the month (£10)

Newington Reds – April’s joint manager of the month (£5)

Just Put Carles – April’s joint manager of the month (£5)

The worst

Woking – Relegated and November’s, December’s and February’s turkey of the month award

Vasco De Beauvoir – Relegated and September’s and October’s turkey of the month

Wandsworth Window Lickers – Relegated and March’s turkey of the month

Bala Rinas – January’s turkey of the month

Greendale Rockets – April’s turkey of the month

The mediocre (final league position)

Piedmonte (4th), Hairy Fadjeetas (9th), Northern Monkeys (12th), Still Don’t Know Yet (14th), Headless Chickens (16th)

Manager of the month end of season 2012/13Manager of the month end of season 2012/13

Manager of the month end of season 2012/13


Heads roll in the drop zone

Cigar cutter

Gruesome end: While those at the top of the Kenna reach for the cigars, the bottom three managers face the chop (photo courtesy of double gauss)

AS THE SPORTING Lesbian manager bathes in the success of winning the Kenna title on his debut, time has run out at the other end of the league.

Vasco De Beauvoir, victors of the inaugural Kenna league in 2005 and double winners in 2010, rounded off a dismal season to be relegated after eight years in the top flight.

The Vasco manager’s disastrous campaign is being pinpointed to the moment he lost a £40m Sergio Aguero under the Titus Bramble ruling at the August auction. The strike force of Leroy Lita and Fabio Borini offered little recompense.

Aguero went on to the snapped up for £12m and became an integral component of Sporting Lesbian’s team.

Speaking to Sky Sports News this morning outside Vasco’s Shoreditch Park ground, which was as far he got when it turned out club wallahs had already ordered the locks to be changed, the outgoing manager said: “Is it opening time yet?”

Licked

In south London, the Kenna diversity police are hot on the trail of another manager with a P45 fresh in his in tray.

No one expected Wandsworth Window Lickers to put up much of a fight this season considering their registered status as intellectually disabled.

But the team bus with rainbows on the side and disproportionately high number of grab handles at their home ground was just a ruse, the whole team turned out to be physically fit athletes who possessed all their mental faculties – with the exception of Peter Odemwingie, who was mostly a knob.

The Wandsworth manager was last seen boarding a plane to South America on a ‘scouting mission’. Club bean counters are said to be keen to speak to the errant manager over missing disability allowance funds.

Crime spree

The Woking manager is still AWOL, and has been since the mysterious death of Sky Sports News presenter Natalie Sawyer on Chobam Common.

Surrey Police were believed to have made a breakthrough in the manhunt when an early-hours 999 call from a club admin girl claimed the manager’s car was parked outside her Worplesdon flat.

A response was dispatched, but officers arrived to find the property empty and ransacked. Two days later the girl was fished out of the Basingstoke Canal with a broken neck.

The search continues.

Big do

Managers will flock to a central London pub on Friday for the Kenna end-of-season awards night.

The Chairman said: “It’s been a long season and for all that hard work managers deserve nothing less than to buy me a beer. There’ll also be a short quiz to see how much people remember from the campaign’s shenanigans.”

Final league table

Week 38 - 21 May 2013

Week 38 – 21 May 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 47 6
2 Northern Monkeys Hugo 43 1
3 Just put Carles Carles 40 2
4 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 37 1
5 Piedmonte Phil 35 1
6 Headless Chickens John N 34 3
7 PSV Mornington El Pons 34 1
8 Woking Mike 32 3
9 Dynamo Charlton Alex 32 0
10 Bala Rinas Lewis 31 2
11 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 30 1
12 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 30 0
13 Pikey Scum Jack 26 2
14 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 26 2
15 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 25 2
16 FC Testicluadew James N 24 1
17 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 24 0
18 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 23 1
19 Greendale Rockets Stu 20 1
20 Newington Reds Dudley 8 0

Pirates plunder Catalans 7-1 in cup final

Somali pirate Lego

Helpless: Just Put Carles were no match for Spartak Mogadishu – the Pirates fired all afternoon (photo courtesy of Spontaneous Raptor)

KEVIN Nolan and Romelu Lukaka both scored hat-tricks to propel Spartak Mogadishu to a record 7-1 victory over Just Put Carles in the Canesten Combi Cup final.

The misery began for the Catalan manager of JPC when defender Jonas Ollson put the ball into his own net in the 17th minute.

Spartak Mogadishu striker Kevin Nolan made it 2-0 a few minutes later. JPC held on until half time, but Nolan added another just after the break.

Adam Le Fondre clawed one back for the Catalans, but Lukaku and Nolan went on to pump in another four goals to make it a record Canesten Combi Cup scoreline.

The Spartak Mogadishu manager becomes the first Johnny Foreigner to win silverware in the Kenna. He tweeted this evening that he was ‘here on merit’.

In the wake of the defeat the JPC manager tweeted: “Destroyed Catalan for dinner tonight”. It’s unclear whether he’s referring to the result or he’s entertaining Luis Suarez this evening.

It’s yet to be seen what effect the final day of the season will have on the Kenna League table, although Spartak Mogadishu were just too far back from third place for their six goals to have any likely say in the race for prize money.

Sporting Lesbian are almost certain to take the league title. A goal from Dimitar Berbatov will most likely have cemented runners up place to defending champions FC Testiculadew.

Judean Peoples’ Front and Piedmonte failed to get a goal between them, so the third place is anyone’s guess.

Full results will be published this week.

Cup final result

Spartak Mogadishu 7 (seven) – 1 Just Put Carles
Ollson (og)                                             Le Fondre
Nolan x3
Lukaku x3


Podium race bursts into life for final match

Beach volleyball

Difficult to focus on the game: Many Kenna managers have had one eye on the beach for some time (photo courtesy of k1studio)

DIMITAR Berbatov and Loïc Rémy responded to accusations from these very pages last week that they had one eye on the beach to both notch for FC Testiculadew.

The two goals, alongside a Steven Pienaar assist and John Ruddy clean sheet, put defending champions FCT to within 56 points of Sporting Lesbian.

The 19th goal of the campaign from Lesbian’s £2.5m midfielder Michu puts one hand on the title for the debut manager.

The chasing pack with one week to go:

Judean Peoples’ Front
Another all-action display from the defence – Joe Hart, Ashley Cole and Jose Enrique have scored over 400 points between them – and a brace from Emmanuel Adebayor put the club just 15 points off second place. An excellent season from the Anders Breivik doppleganger manager whose previous league best was ninth.

Piedmonte
Frank Lampard isn’t the Kenna star performer he once was, but two goals on the weekend, and assists from Ricky Lambert and Adam Johnson have their manager just 30 points away from equaling his best league finish – runners up in the 2006/07 season

Dynamo Charlton
Goals from Oscar and Robert Snodgrass found the net. Nathan Dyer and Carlos Tevez helped others to do the same. Even Danny Graham’s drought and Per Mertesacker can’t stop the Olisadebe Euro 2012 winning manager from an outside chance of second place.

Just Put Carles
The Catalan manager dropped down the table, but all eyes will be on this weekend’s Canesten Combi Cup final against Spartak Mogadishu. Goals from Silva, Henderson, Maloney & co could prompt a cup win and podium finish come Sunday.

Lokomotiv Leeds
It would take a Herculean effort for Lokomotiv to make up the 39 point gap to third place. The manager doesn’t look like achieving the runner up spot debut of last season.

Meanwhile at the other end, the relegation dogfight looks to have fizzled out. Even with the Lukas Podolski double scored in tonight’s match (not included in this update), Vasco De Beauvoir are closer to digging themselves further into oblivion than the other way. The end of an eight year tenure in the Kenna?

Wandsworth Window Lickers are trying to guide themselves into the end of a awful season. Their manager has whisked himself off to Colombia for a jolly, under the guise of having a nose for new talent – a move being sniffed at by his critics.

Surrey Police have found an abandoned car in Runtley Wood, thought to belong to the missing Woking manager. The manhunt continues.

League table

Week 37 - 14 May 2013

Week 37 – 14 May 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 42 3
2 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 41 2
3 Dynamo Charlton Alex 38 2
4 Newington Reds Dudley 35 3
5 FC Testicluadew James N 35 2
6 Headless Chickens John N 35 2
7 Piedmonte Phil 31 2
8 Woking Mike 31 1
9 Northern Monkeys Hugo 27 1
10 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 25 1
11 Bala Rinas Lewis 24 0
12 Just put Carles Carles 23 1
13 Greendale Rockets Stu 22 0
14 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 21 3
15 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 21 1
16 PSV Mornington El Pons 21 0
17 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 19 0
18 Pikey Scum Jack 18 0
19 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 16 1
20 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 16 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Sturridge, D – LIV – STR
Club Newington Reds

River Thames pub crawl: Greenwich to Tower Bridge

Cutty Sark outside

Boat drinks: Crawlers came prepared with suitable refreshments for the voyage

A BOAT. A pub crawl on a boat. In London. On the River Thames. Would that work?

Following up the success of October’s number 38 bus route pub crawl would be difficult.

Many have walked the well trodden paths of Thames pub crawls along the banks at Hammersmith, around Greenwich and even through Bermondsey, but the decision was made to give a unique, edgier take on this old cliché.

A plan was resolved upon: three pubs in Greenwich, a short ride on board a Thames Clipper and a stroll through Southwark up to Tower Bridge.

On Saturday 13 April 2013 a group of determined souls met in Greenwich just after 1pm with the itinerary below. Photos have been anonymised to avoid reprisals.

  1. The Cutty Sark Tavern, Greenwich
  2. Trafalgar Tavern, Greenwich
  3. The Gipsy Moth, Greenwich (followed by a boat trip up the river)
  4. Wibbly Wobbly, Surrey Quays
  5. The Ship and Whale, Rotherhithe
  6. The Clipper, Rotherhithe
  7. The Blacksmith’s Arms, Rotherhithe
  8. Old Salt Quay, Rotherhithe
  9. The Mayflower, Rotherhithe
  10. The Angel, Rotherhithe
  11. The Anchor Tap, Tower Bridge
Thames pub crawl map

Treasure map: The walking crawl included a short boat trip between The Gipsy Moth and Wibbly Wobbly

The crawl

1. The Cutty Sark Tavern, Greenwich

Pub profile page on Beer in the evening

The Cutty Sark Tavern

The Cutty Sark Tavern: The outside the pub group photo was back

Agreement was never reached on whether the Georgian architecture of this pub warranted the amount of money charged for sausage rolls.

There was a good crowd, a few families, enjoying lunch and the beamed interior at 1pm. Picnic tables outside by the Thames proved adequate seating underneath the greying sky.

The starting five of the 38 bus route crawl were present – Fat Peter Sutcliffe, Vicki the bus spotter, the Vasco De Beauvoir manager, Binksy and Palts the Balt – plus a few other stragglers.

Binksy had one hanging on him and reports came through before his arrival that he was sick running for the train. Crawlers were quick to point this out when he turned up.

Crawlers’ pub comments

Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Pretentious and expensive menu (no burgers!) but tidy bar staff.”

Vicki the bus spotter said: “Do we get to go on a bus on this crawl?”

2. Trafalgar Tavern, Greenwich

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The Trafalgar Tavern:

Trafalgar Tavern: Potato wedge fortress

The Trafalgar sits like a fortress on the banks of the river. Fortunately, it was penetrable and offered wooden floors, views of the river and what an estate agent would call a ‘well-appointed’ interior.

Lots of photos of an historic British naval theme inside. Admiral Nelson features heavily. A French provincial would enjoy this place as much as Nick Griffin would enjoy taking Napolean in his mouth.

Plenty of punters early in the afternoon. The Wandsworth Window Lickers manager and Dynamo Charlton manager joined the crowd.

Crawlers’ pub comments

Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Pretentious (but nice) potato wedges took too long to arrive.” One gets the feeling Sutcliffe would find eating with a knife and fork ‘pretentious’.

Vicki the bus spotter said: “I’ve been mis-sold this crawl. I thought there would be buses.”

3. The Gipsy Moth, Greenwich

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The Gipsy Moth

The Gipsy Moth: You haven’t got the power, you haven’t got the touch

The epicentre of Greenwich? The throng of people in here probably more due to its location between the market and the rebuilt Cutty Sark rather than its strengths as a pub.

Gipsy Moth

A quick meal break in front of the Cutty Sark

Walk through the front bar and it opens out into semi-conservatory style area.

It’s a pity to think this kind of boozer is the image of a traditional London pub many tourists take home.

Crawlers’ pub comments

Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Pretentious (i.e. small) macaroni cheese.”

Vicki the bus spotter said: “Binksy had to go on to the bloody Mary the cure the hangover.”

The boat queue, Greenwich

Boat queue

Queue rum: A miscalculation of ferry times resulted in a wet wait

Thames Clippers run regularly, but as the mantra goes ‘no one every plans to fail, they only fail to plan’. It turned out rather than bowling on board, London Oyster cards had to be used to buy tickets from a booth.

To cut a long story short, a 20-minute wait in the drizzle was overcome with the boat drinks.

The boat, River Thames

On the Thames Clipper

“They are all having far too a good time to notice if one of those girls disappears,” mused the sinister man at the back of the boat.

The boat trip from Greenwich to Greenland Pier takes around 10 minutes. Ample time to have a drink and hack off all the other passengers…

On the Thames Clipper2

“That photographer looks like a fat Peter Sutcliffe. Pervert,” she reasoned.

4. Wibbly Wobbly, Surrey Quays

Pub profile page on Beer in the evening

Wibbly Wobbly note

Wibbly Wobbly: What a pair of charity collection tins

If a sign outside a pub says ‘No work wear’ then it’s safe to assume there are building sites nearby. So what conclusions can be drawn of the surrounding community’s socio-economic make up if the sign says ‘Tops must be kept on inside the bar’?

Wibbly Wobbly Dave the Rave

Karaoke with Dave the Rave – every Sunday from 3pm

The growing inclemency of the weather meant all tops were on, but did little to dampen the spirits in this welcoming boozer on board a boat moored in Surrey Quays.

The ceiling around the bar was covered in foreign currency, Binksy’s cue to show off his exotic trillion dollar bill. The barmaid smiled for the camera and afterwards asked him to pay in sterling.

Crawlers’ pub comments

Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Nice Cockney boozer. Probably best to avoid on Millwall match days.

Vicki the bus spotter said: “Nice maps on the ceiling! Rough as hell but very amusing. We all kept our tops on.”

5. The Ship and Whale, Rotherhithe

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Ship and Whale

The Ship and Whale: Five o’clock and all’s well

A short walk from the boat bar, the Ship and Whale is an enticing pub tucked away on a backstreet.

Ship and Whale outside

It would be the last energetic thing he’d do all day

Light, airy and many interesting photos on the wall, there’s little to hold against the place.

Everyone appeared to be holding it together too, although the volume knob of conversation had been tweaked up.

Crawlers’ pub comments

Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Classy back street boozer with photo of a famous visitor behind bar (can’t remember who though).”

Vicki the bus spotter said: “Much nicer than the last pub! Good beers on tap.”

6. The Clipper, Rotherhithe

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The Clipper

The Clipper: Get clipped

When a pub plays Heart radio from a late 90s television, one can expect all the other trappings of a proper London locals’ boozer, such as a man in a flat cap playing the fruit machine and the dip in conversation when a bunch of half-cut strangers enter.

Plenty of regulars were in early doors and a convivial atmosphere quickly resumed.

The Spartak Mogadishu manager finally arrived with an excuse that will go down in the annals of history: “I forgot where south London was.” Quite how his fellow countrymen command such terror on the high seas is anyone’s guess.

Crawlers’ pub comments

Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Fags behind the bar for £8.50. Don’t look anyone in the eye.”

Vicki the bus spotter said: “Dodgy pub – nice maroon carpet. A bit like the Duke of Sussex in Waterloo. The Spartak Mogadishu manager finally managed to grace us with his presence.”

7. The Blacksmith’s Arms, Rotherhithe

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Blacksmiths Arms

The Blacksmith’s Arms: What the panel said

Tudor building, possibly mock, with wood pannelling and an island bar. A big screen showing something we could have never planned for: Millwall in an FA Cup semi final.

Some of the initial party were starting to struggle with pints, evidenced by the switch to shorts in areas of the round.

Grumblings about the price were heard.

Crawlers’ pub comments

Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Surprisingly posh (and expensive). Used to have a beer garden but now full of junk.”

Vicki the bus spotter said: “£5.45 for a pint of Peroni!”

8. Old Salt Quay, Rotherhithe

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Old Salt Quay

Old Salt Quay: Probably better enjoyed on a hot summer’s day

Huge. The rest of London now considered the time of day suitable for drinking, so this massive pub was bursting with trade.

There’s an upstairs, downstairs and views of the river. Crawlers nestled in a corner near the bar to enjoy the franchise.

The rain was now steady drizzle.

Crawlers’ pub comments

Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Aircraft hangar size and Wetherspoons style pub with all the character of something made in China.”

Vicki the bus spotter said: “I think this one was that massive pub.”

9. The Mayflower, Rotherhithe

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Tongues

The Mayflower: Quite unprepared for our kind of party

Everyone was looking forward to this place, and the pub itself didn’t disappoint. Curious articles on the wall and a decked terrace right over the river make it a must visit.

Crawlers found a big table to sit around and, as more had joined the ranks, one by one gave a short introduction of themselves.

When it turned out that two of the girls both had freakish long tongues, the day’s refreshments turned into open raucousness.

Three times were the party told to ‘keep it down’, which marred the visit but the not the mood.

Mayflower panoramic

Nights of the rowdy table

Crawlers’ pub comments

Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Full of grumpy locals and landlord who kept asking us to keep the noise down on a Saturday night. WTF?”

Vicki the bus spotter said: “Best pub of the day. Very cute but we did get shushed a lot.”

10. The Angel, Rotherhithe

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Photobomb

The Angel: Blaxploitation’s answer to Harry Potter photobombed

When it turned out the Angel had a fireplace and wand-like poker, one crawler’s scarf was pressed into action for Harry Potter impressions. Don’t judge, if it wasn’t for the photos no one would have remembered it.

The Angel outside

Talk about a rabble…

Lord alone knows what the assembled locals thought, but when the Spartak Mogadishu manager spilled his drink everywhere the landlord made him clean it up, much to general amusement.

Crawlers’ pub comments

Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Sam Smith’s and landlord makes the Spartak Mogadishu manager clean up his own spillages.”

Vicki the bus spotter said: “Do like a Sammy Smith’s pub!

BONUS PUB: The Old Justice, Bermondsey

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The Old Justice

The Old Justice: Battered seafood and rice wine. Appalling, but free

On the Sunday morning recce a few weeks beforehand the Old Justice had looked shut for years, but as crawlers stumbled along the river towards Tower Bridge it was open and it seemed churlish not to pop in for one.

Tower Bridge

Palts the Balt pauses for a quick tourist snap of Tower Bridge

Without a doubt the strangest pub all day. The staff consisted of a landlord and hoardes of Asian women, who served our drinks and then gave us plates and plates of battered seafood and a free shot of rice wine.

No one was entirely sure what was happening, but everyone was glad to move on.

Crawlers’ pub comments

Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Oriental money laundering front with hookers out back on request (POA). Free room temperature scampi, onion rings and salmonella washed down by nasty rice wine.”

Vicki the bus spotter said: “Cold battered fish and odd sake!”

11. The Anchor Tap, Tower Bridge

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Rum round

The Anchor Tap: Rum all round

We made it! The last of 12 pubs between Greenwich and Tower Bridge. Everyone was so excited that change was pooled and 15 shots of rum were ordered.

The bar staff didn’t share our joy, having to cater for the rowdy bunch just before closing time and fetch another bottle of rum from the cellar.

Crawlers’ pub comments

Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Hazy memories of this one. Sawdust on floor and Sam Smith’s cheap booze.”

Vicki the bus spotter said: “Rough rum shots.”

The after party: Village East, Bermondsey

Website

Village East

A bus stop on Old Kent Road: I’d like to ass you a few questions

Forever dedicated to exploring new pubs the crawlers went on to enjoy more cheer at Village East on Bermondsey Street.

Recollection is sparse. Afterwards it was marveled at how we got into this marginally upmarket bar.

Life tasted good. We were pioneers of the first ever recorded pub crawl from Greenwich to Tower Bridge, and it included a maritime adventure. We were proud descendants of our country’s finest naval heroes. We were Sir Francis Drake singeing the King of Spain’s beard at Cadiz. We were Admiral Nelson smashing through the French at Trafalgar. We were… desperately trying not to fall asleep on the night bus home.


Lezzers lose libido late on

A playful slime treatment

Spilt milk?: Sporting Lesbian are on the verge of messing it up (photo courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)

BITING BANS and injury troubles have Kenna League leaders Sporting Lesbian limping towards the line with two weeks left of the football season.

Michu, David Santon, Kieran Gibbs and Maynor Figueroa are all on the physio’s table, a thought that has teammate Luis Suarez lurking nearby with the condiments as he sits out his 10-match ban.

The personnel crisis at Sporting Lesbian is a surprising twist in this term’s final act. In his debut campaign their manager has dominated to such an extent that league investigators claim to have found the ashes of any competition for the title in the living room woodburner of his country cottage.

The door has now been left ajar for defending champions FC Testiculadew. Not dissimilar to the Sporting manager’s debut this time, FCT’s authority over last season’s contest led to their manager being implicated in the ‘Kenna in the bag‘ scandal in April 2012.

In second place for most of the year, the FCT manager is also struggling to get the best from his team as strikers Loic Remy and Dimitar Berbatov rapidly lose interest in proceedings. Over his shoulder a host of clubs are queuing up for the spoils.

Led by Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager – whose team ironically has one of the worst returns at hitting the target – the chasing pack extends down to the Dynamo Charlton in seventh place.

Pikey Scum in fifteenth would appear most likely to escape a dreary performance with a mid-table finish. Below them two goals from ‘Release’ Bryan Ruiz and a second league notch for Gareth McAuley on the weekend have Vasco De Beauvoir exerting a modicum of pressure on those clubs just above the drop zone.

At the bottom, the Woking manager hasn’t been to work since taking a screen test at Sky Sports News three weeks ago. Surrey Police have appealed for any information related to his whereabouts, although they advise the public not to approach him.

League table

Week 35 - 7 May 2013

Week 35 – 7 May 2013

 

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Just put Carles Carles 46 1
2 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 40 0
3 Bala Rinas Lewis 35 1
4 Dynamo Charlton Alex 35 0
5 PSV Mornington El Pons 32 2
6 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 30 3
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 30 1
8 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 28 1
9 Piedmonte Phil 28 0
10 Headless Chickens John N 26 0
11 Newington Reds Dudley 22 1
12 FC Testicluadew James N 22 0
13 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 22 0
14 Woking Mike 21 1
15 Greendale Rockets Stu 21 0
16 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 21 0
17 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 20 1
18 Pikey Scum Jack 15 1
19 Northern Monkeys Hugo 13 0
20 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 11 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Agbonlahor, G – AVL – STR
Club PSV Mornington