Kenna auction to be the most competitive ever

Daft Punk Homework

Homework: Kenna managers are advised to familiarise themselves with the best 14 players from each Premier League club (photo courtesy of CarlosVaZquezCHJ)

MANAGERS preparing for next month’s Kenna auction have been warned to ‘do their homework’ as competition for players will be at an all time high.

Around 25 managers have expressed their interest in entering this season’s contest, a 25 per cent increase on last year’s record membership.

Top footballers are anticipated to attract sky high bids – while even prices for those of middleweight quality are predicted to swell – compared to previous auctions.

At the unveiling of the new player list this afternoon, exactly one calendar month and a day before the auction, the Kenna chairman said: “It used to be that quality players came to England from around the world and managers could get lucky at the auction.

“If they want to be competitive this season managers had better do their homework. As membership of the Kenna has gone up over the years we’ve seen more money spent on the most desirable players, and we expect this trend to continue. This auction will be harder, better, faster, stronger and more drunken than anything that’s come before.

“Whereas Sergio Aguero fetched a record £40m last August, we expect him to go for a lot more than that this year as managers come face to face with the task of securing the best talent.

“The maths is simple: if 25 managers attend next month’s auction it will take 275 players to fill all the teams. That means an average of nearly 14 players from each Premier League squad will go under the hammer.

“It won’t just be English players fetching a premium. Continental Europeans, South Americans, Africans and even Asians will cost a fair coin, and there’s always something about US players that makes them popular.”

1992 Mercedes 190e

Sharp exit: The chairman was last seen speeding away in a  1992 Mercedes 190e after announcing a league entry fee increase (photo courtesy of Spottedlaurel)

The ninth annual Kenna auction will take place in a London pub on 10 August, one week before the start of the Premier League season.

Each manager will start with £100m to buy their eleven players in a 4-4-2 formation.

Under rigorously-enforced league rules, no team may contain more than one player from each Premier League club.

Two opportunities to keep teams fresh will be offered during the campaign, at transfer windows in October and February.

At this morning’s press conference, the chairman refused to be drawn on rumours of a new open market transfer window system for the 2013/14 season. Confirmation is expected in the next few weeks.

The chairman did put down reports the auction was to be broadcast on Radio 5 Live.

“We thought with the turmoil and BBC evolution (or, whatever, revolution) 909 medium wave might be interested in buying the rights, but it turns out it clashes with a cricket contest we’ll all be glued to anyway. We probably should have pitched it to niche broadcasters – you know how these people in digital love something different.

“Oh yes, and did I mention the entry fee rise? No? I thought I did. Oh well, one more time: we’re putting up the entry fee to £25 per manager,” said the chairman, as he climbed into the back of the league’s executive prestige car just before it sped off.

Most expensive players at the August 2012 auction

Sergio Aguero, Vasco De Beauvoir – £40m (player lost under the Titus Bramble ruling)

Wayne Rooney, Greendale Rockets – £38m

Fernando Torres, Newington Reds – £37m

Luis Suarez, Sporting Lesbian – £36m

Robin van Persie, Still Don’t Know Yet – £35m

David Silva, Just Put Carles – £32m

Carlos Tevez, Dynamo Charlton – £30m

Juan Mata, PSV Mornington – £28m

Eden Hazard, Hairy Fadjeetas – £26m

Did you spot all the Daft Punk song titles? First to get all nine different track/album names in the comments wins a postcard from Kenna HQ. 


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