KS West Green 2013/14

Stix

New club, new training facility: The KS West Green manager

Twitter name: @jeffkennaleague

Since: 2005 (co-founder and chairman)

Last season: 18th (relegated)

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2005/06, Canesten Combi Cup winner 2006, treble in 2009/2010 (league, cup, Dr Khumalo World Cup 2010)

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Let Me Be Your Fantasy – Baby D

Outlook (on 27 September 2013): As both Kenna chairman and competitor, the former Vasco De Beauvoir manager faces an increasingly inescapable conundrum. At the reins of Kenna HQ, the chairman has seen the league swell in popularity and elan with a record 20 managers last season enjoying unprecedented attendance at transfer windows. In charge of Vasco De Beauvoir, the manager has overseen the club’s steady decline since the treble-winning year of 2010, resulting in a slump to relegation for the first time. Indifferent to the Kenna’s overall success, the powers that be at Vasco had enough. Despite bringing them more glory than any other team in the league’s history the manager was handed his P45 in May.

Taking the number 67 bus from De Beauvoir deeper into north London, the chairman has found new employ at Klub Sportowy in West Green, where the streets are literally paved with empty Polish beer cans. The Worcestershire man may be from the pear county, but five weeks into the season his tenure is failing to bear much fruit. Ashley Williams, Nathaniel Clyne and £40m Sergio Aguero may be justifying their expense, but the manager is beset by injury and loss of form.

The Ox made an impressive first 45 minutes to the season, but hasn’t played since. ‘Release’ Bryan Ruiz pulled up right in front of the manager’s nose at Craven Cottage two weeks ago. Andre Schurrle, who averages a goal every three games for club and country, is struggling to make an impact and looks like he will soon share a similar fate to Graham Dorrans and Wes Hoolahan – and lose his place in the starting line up. Mark Hudson captained his side last season but now can’t get a place in the team. Jordi Spence is on loan in the lower divisions. Anders Lindegaard is getting as much time in goal at Old Trafford as Anders Breivik.

So while KS West Green may not be in line for any traditional Kenna silverware, they’re surely an early favourite in the Little Maddy award for least appearances stakes.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Speroni, J CRY £0.5m
Davies, C HUL £0.5m
Clyne, N SOT £7m
Williams, A SWA £9m
Bardesley, P SUN £5m
Barry, G EVE £0.5m
Schurrle, A CHE £14m
Whittingham, P CAR £2m
Ox-Chamberlain, A ARS £0.5m
Aguero, S MCY £39m
De Jong, L NEW £5m
£83m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £13.5m, remaining budget: £5m, net loss: £8.5m

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold POS Player Team Value
GK Lindegaard, A MUN Free GK Speroni, J C RY £0.5m
DEF Spence, J (TB) WHU Free DEF Davies, C HUL £0.5m
DEF Hudson, M CAR Free DEF Whittaker, S NOR £5.0m
MID Dorrans, G WBA Free MID Barry, G EVE £0.5m
MID Hoolahan, W NOR Free MID Whittingham, P CAR £2m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Starting budget: £15m, remaining budget: £5m, net loss: £10m

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold POS Player Team Value
DEF Whittaker, S NOR Free DEF Bardsley, P SUN £5m
STR Ruiz, B FUL Free STR De Jong, L NEW £5m
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Vatican declares war on the Kenna

Pope Francis

‘You’ve won a caravan’: The Kenna transfer window is under threat from a dark and powerful organisation

CHRISTIANITY touches, rightly or wrongly, millions of people around the world.

It’s early orders left a lot to be desired, but as Europe entered the Middle Ages the church provided hope, education and the promise of a life much better than the poverty and injustice of secular existence.

As civilisation marched on organised religion became bloated, corrupt and outmoded. The Enlightenment revealed much of the accepted history taught by the church to be inaccurate.

For example, the Eighteenth Century scholar Edward Gibbon was made to finish his six volume history of Europe – The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire – in free-thinking Switzerland for daring to use primary sources to write about the calamity that was the early Christian church.

Two hundred years later the founding of the Jeff Kenna League rendered Christianity all but obsolete.

Still men of the cloth – and sometimes women too, but certainly not gay men, or at least openly gay ones – catered to congregations who needed assurance of the basic difference between right and wrong. That was fine while the more pressing affairs of Kenna HQ could, like a happy choirboy, carry on unmolested.

This week the ambiguous relationship between the Kenna and church is in danger of being, like an unhappy choirboy, irreversibly broken.

The chairman is marrying a Catholic, and that Catholic, despite largely enjoying the Kenna’s practical views of religion, wants to get married in a Roman Catholic Church. In Poland.

Turn up and say the vows? Sadly, with this mob – the word is used carefully, meeting the chief priest in the Polish interior was like a scene from The Sopranos – it’s not just a case of chatting about your family values over a pot of tea and getting the bride-to-be to wear a T-shirt to advertise a lack of mystery bruising.

The Roman Catholics Church requires you to attend a structured course of lessons over a number of weeks. And you don’t even get tea.

They also want you to sign a piece of paper declaring you will never stop your children from becoming Catholic.

The icing on the cake, not that you get any of that either, is the reluctance of the priest to impart when the lessons start. The chairman’s better half has been attending mass every week waiting for the Good News.

In the Bernard Samson Cold War spy novel series by Len Deighton, the lead character describes the operations of the KGB as ‘very slow and very cunning’. He could have been talking about the Catholic Church.

The Kenna transfer window was scheduled for next Friday. Friday evening to be precise, a time when the western world finishes work for the week and unwinds ahead of their weekend chores, but not religion.

In His almighty wisdom, channeled through the dog collar of his local henchman, He has hinted, but not confirmed, that this lesson may well take place next Friday.

The transfer window hangs in the balance. This would not have happened if instead of choosing Jim Bowen, the Vatican had considered a more progressive application.

League table

Kenna table wk 5 of 37 - 240913

Kenna table week 5 of 37 – 24 September 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Headless Chickens John N 49 4
2 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 35 1
3 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 33 0
4 St. Reatham FC Mike 31 3
5 Piedmonte Phil 30 2
6 Newington Reds Dudley 29 2
7 Bala Rinas Lewis 29 1
8 Northern Monkeys Hugo 26 1
9 KS West Green Stix 25 2
10 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 23 0
11 FC Testiculadew James N 22 0
12 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 21 0
13 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 17 1
14 Team Panda Rules OK George 15 1
15 Lurliners Luke 14 1
16 Dynamo Charlton Alex 14 0
17 Just put Carles Carles 13 0
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 13 0
19 Young Boys Denney 13 0
20 Pikey Scum Jack 10 0
21 PSV Mornington El Pons 7 0
22 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 7 0
23 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 4 0
Points Player
Player of the week 16 Nasri, S – MCY – MID
Club Piedmonte

Spartak Mogadishu 2013/14

Abdi

Two fingers: The Spartak Mogadishu manager

Manager: Abdi (Somalia)

Twitter name: @abdinw1

Since: 2010

Last season: 8th

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2012/13

Sympathies: Arsenal

Darts music: The Trumpet Hornpipe

Outlook (on 24 September 2013): Spartak Mogadishu stunned the whole league in May when they lifted their first piece of the silverware, the Canesten Combi Cup. Not writing anything down and drinking heavily, the manager traditionally approached auctions with the gay abandon of an Al-Shabab shopping spree, and his reputation of firebrand was galvanised when he became the first manager to resign in the middle of an auction at the Emmanuel Olisadebe 2012 Euros. Attending last month’s all-dayer for the first time outside of Ramadan appeared to temper the Somali, and he even hooked some worthwhile players.

At the unveiling of the new squad at the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility, the manager admitted he felt slightly hornswoggled at the purchase of Glenn Murray, who’s been on crutches since May and will continue to be for some time. In Robert van Wolfswinkel, Marco van Ginkel and Johnny Heitinga, the manager has three players to feature in the national side for Holland, a country known throughout history for its maritime tradition. Hernandez, Lallana, Kolarov and Jaaskelainen all started the season in strong form.

Despite this Spartak are not managing to gel and slipping down the table with each passing week. In the Kenna there’s a very fine line between success or failure; between a white, sandy Caribbean island, a crate of rum and Keira Knightly, or five minutes in the upstairs room of a tavern with a toothless crone.

(B) denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling.

Jaaskelainen, J WHM £12m
Chiriches, V TOT £2.5m
Kolarov, A MCY £10m
Gabbidon, D CRY £3.5m
Olsson, J WBA £1m
Lallana, A SOT £12m
Cleverley, T MUN £7m
Hernandez, P SWA £15m
Barkley, R EVE £8.5m
van Wolfswinkel, R NOR £13m
Jones, K CAR £0.5m
£85m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £12.5m, remaining budget: £1.5m, net loss £11m

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
DEF Bramble, T FAG Free DEF Taylor, A CAR £0.5m
DEF Heitinga, J EVE Free DEF Olsson, J WBA £1.0m
MID Van Ginkel, M CHE Free MID Barkley, R EVE £8.5m
STR Murray, G CRY Free STR Gayle, D CHE £0.5m
STR Kone, A (released on a free) EVE £0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
DEF Taylor, A CAR Free DEF Chiriches, V TOT £2.5m
DEF Shotton, R STO Free DEF Gabbidon, D CRY £3.5m
STR Gayle, D CRY £0.5m STR Jones, K CAR £0.5m

Piedmonte 2013/14

Phil profile pic

England till he dies: The Piedmonte manager

Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co-founder)

Last season: 4th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 2nd in 2006/07)

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts music: The Great Escape – the England Band

Outlook (on 19 September): Commitments on the south coast meant the Piedmonte manager was unable to attend last month’s auction in person. Instead he joined proceedings by Skype over three hours into the bidding. Unenviable, considering this would be his ninth tilt at the Kenna hindered by an unhealthy preoccupation with signing English players. As such his trophy cabinet’s emptier than a pint of Carling is of flavour. He joins the Newington Reds manager on dismal figures of just two podium finishes in eight seasons.

Removed from the absurdity of The Roebuck’s upstairs bar, the Piedmonte manager appears to have overcome his prejudice, buying just five players who hail from the green and pleasant land, although how pleasant the changing rooms will be after a mid-match visit from Jason Puncheon is up for debate. The rest of the team is made up of a German, a Welshman, a Norwegian, a Frenchman, a Togolese and an Irishman. The manager must be asking himself if all these Johnny Foreigners be able to play in a rigid 4-4-2 system reliant on long ball? Or will they just be a bad, uncoordinated, out-of-tune joke?

Krul, T NEW  £9m
Jagielka, P EVE  £17m
Davies, B SWA  £7m
Jones, P MUN  £17m
Hangeland, B FUL  £10m
Gerrard, S LIV  £10m
Noble, M WHM  £7.5m
Townsend, A TOT  £1.5m
Puncheon, J CRY  £3m
Long, S HUL  £5m
Odemwingie, P STO  £5m
     £92m 

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £8m, remaining budget: £7.5m, net loss: £0.5m

(Hyperlink denotes from which club player was bought)

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
STR Adebayor, E TOT Free STR Walters, J STO £0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out In
Position Player Team Sold Position Player Team Paid
MID Nasri, S MCY £2m MID Townsend, A TOT £1.5m
STR Walters, J STO £0.5m STR Odemwingie, P STO £5m

Rambo bounces back

Rambo lunchbox

Box to box: Aaron ‘Rambo’ Ramsey, unsigned by Kenna managers, was player of the week (photo courtesy of Sveden)

THE CAMOUFLAGED Genoa youth coach may have been likened to a fictional Vietnam War veteran this week when he was caught in a bush spying on a Sampdoria training session, but he’s not the only Rambo making an assault on the football headlines.

It wasn’t so long ago that Aaron Ramsey goals were so infrequent that every time he scored it was mockingly linked to a high-profile death.

The Twitter Users Obvious Jokes Club has been left scrabbling around the obituary columns over the last month as the Welshman’s goal scoring touch transformed from occasional sniper rifle to Syrian chemical weapon.

So convincing is his resurrection, there’s even a bandwagon swelling with passengers who claim Ramsey is better than Jack Wilshere. The injury-prone Englishman, who is yet to score or make an assist, was bought for £23m by Judean Peoples’ Front.

Another player to come in from the cold of indifferent Kenna form is Gylfi Sigurdsson. The Icelandic midfielder scored twice on Saturday as his Headless Chickens teammates Michu, Craig Gardner and Gareth McAuley also struck to help their team to the top of the Kenna for the first time since entering the league.

Aaron Ramsey joins nearly-namesake Aron Gunarsson, Jose Fonte, Frazier Campbell, Steven Whittaker, Peter Whittingham and Nathan Redmond as over-performing players left unsigned by Kenna managers at last month’s auction.

Come October’s transfer window they will all be in high demand as managers look to the sparse talent available to improve their sides.

Kenna table

Kenna table 17 September 2013 - week 4 of 37

Kenna table 17 September 2013 – week 4 of 37

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Headless Chickens John N 46 5
2 Dynamo Charlton Alex 42 1
3 Team Panda Rules OK George 34 1
4 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 34 0
5 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 32 1
6 FC Testiculadew James N 28 2
7 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 25 1
8 Pikey Scum Jack 25 1
9 St. Reatham FC Mike 23 1
10 Lurliners Luke 23 0
11 Bala Rinas Lewis 21 0
12 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 19 0
13 Newington Reds Dudley 19 0
14 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 18 1
15 Northern Monkeys Hugo 18 0
16 Just put Carles Carles 16 0
17 Piedmonte Phil 16 0
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 16 0
19 Young Boys Denney 15 0
20 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 13 0
21 KS West Green Stix 11 0
22 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 9 0
23 PSV Mornington El Pons 5 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Ramsey, A – ARS – MID
Club Unsigned

Panda’s guide to Chicago Fire

Mike Magee

“Tragi-comic figure”: Fire striker Mike Magee (photo courtesy of Chicago Fire Soccer Club)

In a first ever for the Kenna, this post was guest written by the manager of Team Panda Rules OK, who makes his debut this season. The manager’s account of visiting an MLS game on the weekend makes observations on the football viewing experience across the pond.

THE PANDA’S commitment to world and Jeff Kenna domination occasionally takes him to far-flung cities and underground sporting venues.

This weekend it was the Toyota Park Stadium in Bridgeview, Illinois, to witness Chicago Fire take on New England Revolution.

Having secured a ticket for $35 through the Chicago Fire website, I arrived parched at the stadium via the Windy City’s CTA railroad, one of several Chicago locations you may have seen in The Dark Knight.

The stadium itself was small, in the middle of nowhere and surrounded by a car park full of picnicking and barbecuing families – but unfortunately not a single drinking hole within camel’s distance.

Luckily my $35 ticket included admission to the Miller Lite Party Deck – a flat platform behind one of the goals where you are given a wristband entitling you to two free beers, a bucket of popcorn and a pitifully small hotdog.

Having sated my thirst with Miller Genuine Draft (a throwback to my youth), and witnessed a firework-accompanied murdering of the Star Spangled Banner, I watched the game begin with the lack of “bite” that can only come from a stadium full of American families and devoid of opposition fans.

Two intoxicated Fire fans who attempted to get the ambiance enlivened by shouting abuse at the opposition goalie from approximately 10 metres behind him (“Shuttleworth – you suck”) were swiftly ejected, presumably by one of the ball girls.

They provided the solitary atmosphere of the game, which fell flat despite its significance in the Eastern Conference, the five goals which it contained, and the fact you are allowed to stand to watch the match.

The football itself was technically good, played on the floor, at a semi-pace and without fear that a tackle might be made.

Largely anonymous was the Fire’s big player Mike Magee, a sort of tragi-comic figure who managed to win the man-of-the-match award despite ducking out of every header like a seal scared of the beach ball.

You can pick up a shirt with his name and number on for $149 at the club shop, which is far too much when you consider he is sh1t and the Miller is going for $7.50, although the red shirt is smart.

You can see Magee in action – complete with American Soccer-ball commentary – below.

An alternative version of events can be found on ESPN.


FC Testiculadew 2013/14

James N

Poor man’s Hugo Drax: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: 2nd

Trophy cabinet: 2011/12 league and cup double

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: Imperial March – Star Wars 

Outlook (on 16 September 2013): Forty floors below the club’s Itchysack Park training facility, the FC Testiculadew manager mused behind his heavy oak desk. He had won the league and cup double on his first attempt. He’d broken records that year and shown up the rest of them to be the footballing simpletons they were, groping around in dark while his team had run away with the championship. He had created the master stroke of tactical Brambling, buying ineligible players to wilfully accept a forfeit and give himself an advantage by freeing up funds late on in the auction. It was an act everyone else found atrocious. Why? There was no cheating in the world, only winning, no matter what ridiculous code of honour those bungling fools at Kenna HQ tried to uphold. Chivalry doesn’t equal success, cunning equals success and success equals power, and power, true power, was everything.

In May the unthinkable happened: he’d finished second. This was definitely not part of the plan. FCT would have to win this season, and with Benteke and Dzeko on form his team had made a good start. The half a million paid for Juan Mata didn’t quite seem like the bargain it was a month ago, but the rest of the midfield showed promise. He was reasonably satisfied with the defence too, although Debussy’s performances were a worry. The truth was every player was expendable in the hunt for a second title. Very soon they would understand that.

He pulled a tasselled chord next to the desk. There was no sound for a few moments until the door creaked open and an elderly butler entered. “Have they assembled in the sacrificial chamber?” said the manager. The subordinate nodded in assent. “Good, tell them I’ll be there directly.”

The butler left the room. The FCT manager robed himself in a ceremonial cloak and pulled on the hood. It was time.

Lloris, H TOT £0.5m
Debuchy, M NEW £5m
Olsson, M NOR £0.5m
Sakho, M LIV £7m
Azpilicueta, C CHE £11m
Mirallas, K EVE £13m
Mata, J MUN £0.5m
Shelvey, J SWA £0.5m
Ozil, M ARS £13m
Benteke, C AVL £38m
Dzeko, E MCY £19m
£108m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £22,5m, remaining budget: £4.5m, net loss: £18m

(Hyperlink denotes to which club player was sold)

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Value
DEF Olsson, M NOR Free DEF Olsson, M NOR £0.5m
DEF Koscielny, L ARS £2.5m DEF Sakho, M LIV £7m
MID Taarabt, A FUL Free MID Ozil, M ARS £13m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Value
DEF Rafael MUN £11m DEF Azpilicueta, C CHE £11m