NORTHERN Monkeys’ last 16 cup draw at Rapids De Cullons was overshadowed this week by an extraordinary row over a series of unguarded but highly disparaging remarks by the manager about the club’s strikers.
The Northern Monkeys boss was recorded by the French television company Canal Plus in what he thought was a private conversation with the owner of a Swiss Toblerone, thought to be the St Reatham FC manager.
“I have a team but no striker,” said the Monkeys manager. “The problem at Northern Monkeys is that we are lacking a goalscorer. I have one [Samuel Eto’o] but he is 32, possibly 35, who knows?”
The remark about Eto’o is understood to be a reference to the supposed doubt about the true age of some African players.
The other Northern Monkeys striker Fabio Borini was not mentioned in the same sentence as the word ‘goalscorer’.
The club has not disputed the authenticity of the manager’s comments but are adamant that they were supposed to be light-hearted and not meant for broadcast or publication.
Northern Monkeys have scored 27 goals this season, one less than their Canesten Combi Cup opponents Rapids De Cullon. The two sides meet in the first leg of their last 16 tie this weekend.
In a first for world football, the ties were drawn this Wednesday evening on a moving train to an audience of a couple of cans of lager.
— Stix (@jeffkennaleague) February 26, 2014
Canesten Combi Cup last 16 fixtures
Rapids De Cullons v Northern Monkeys
The copy for this article was stolen from…
THE cellar at Kenna HQ is being soundproofed ‘for footballing reasons’, it was claimed today.
The league chairman was forced to comment after leaked photos emerged of him insulating a confined, windowless crawlspace believed to lie directly underneath the boardroom of London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league.
Despite the appearance of something more sinister, the chairman was adamant the only motive was to reduce managers’ subscription costs by saving on Kenna HQ energy bills.
The groans having receded after it was pointed out there was already enough hot air in league committee meetings, sceptics were quick condemn the photos as further proof of the Kenna executive’s increasingly hard line measures.
Many believe the Kenna’s manager experiences department, a secretive arm of league apparatus responsible for policing members, is behind the move.
In August 2012, the manager experiences department were believed to be behind the abduction of defender James Collins from his team hotel. The incident led to one manager slamming the Kenna as ‘out of touch blazers’.
Faced with these latest allegations, the chairman maintained the league’s motives were honest.
“I know from the photos it looks like we’re building some sort of Fritzl Suite to help silence dissent from agitators, but that’s simply not the case. As an organisation committed to sustainability we’re simply making our HQ building more energy efficient.
“At the heart of everything we do is making the Kenna the ultimate fantasy, and these renovations are part of that fantasy,” he said over the muffled cries of Titus Bramble.
Cup fixtures announced
The first round of knockout games in the Canesten Combi Cup will take place this weekend.
A total of 16 teams made it out of the group stages in January. They will be drawn in head-to-head ties on tomorrow’s 1750 from Birmingham New Street to Euston.
“It’s the first time the last 16 draw will be made on a moving train, but I must assure managers that we will not be holding back on the traditional glamour associated with the Canesten,” said the chairman, charging up his briefcase with a couple of Jackie Chans.
In the pot
Group A – Judean Peoples’ Front, KS West Green, This is Sparta…Prague, Team Panda Rules OK
Group B – FC Testiculadew, Rapids De Cullons CF, Dynamo Charlton, St Reatham FC
Group C – Headless Chickens, Northern Monkeys, Spartak Mogadishu, Newington Reds
Group D – Hairy Fadjeetas, PSV Mornington, Bala Rinas, Lokomotiv Leeds
First leg – Tuesday 5 March
Second leg – Tuesday 18 March
First leg – Tuesday 25 March
Second leg – Tuesday 1 April
First leg – Tuesday 15 April
Second leg – Tuesday 22 April
Tuesday 13 May
|2||St. Reatham FC||Mike||39||3|
|3||Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||35||2|
|4||Just put Carles||Carles||35||2|
|5||FC Testiculadew||James N||34||1|
|6||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||33||1|
|10||Team Panda Rules OK||George||26||2|
|12||Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||24||1|
|13||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||22||2|
|14||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||22||1|
|15||Headless Chickens||John N||21||1|
|20||This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||15||0|
|21||PSV Mornington||El Pons||14||0|
|22||KS West Green||Stix||8||0|
|23||Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||5||0|
|Player of the week||15||Giroud, O – ARS – STR|
|Club||Team Panda Rules OK|
METRO Bank will become the main sponsor of the Kenna League as part of a £120m deal, it was announced today.
The three-year agreement includes everything from titles sponsorship of the Kenna League and exclusive world-wide marketing rights to corporate match-day hospitality to providing the pub buffet at auctions and transfer windows.
Media were invited to a launch event this morning at Metro Bank’s flagship Holborn branch in central London.
“This sponsorship shows the Kenna is a serious player in world football. We look forward to what promises to be a mutually beneficial relationship,” said the Kenna chairman, his eyes glazed over with pound sterling currency symbols.
There were a few raised eyebrows in the press pack when it turned out that rather than the chief executive or commercial director, the bank had left affairs to their mascot – Metro Man.
“I can assure you that I speak of behalf of the bank’s leadership team when I say we’re delighted to be entering this exciting partnership with the Kenna League,” enthused Metro Man a little too loudly, having emerged from the bank’s executive lavatory after an inordinate amount of time.
The M-shaped mascot tried to engage security staff in an arm wrestle and offered several of the branch’s nonplussed female employees a peek at his ‘love letter’, before posing for pictures with the Kenna chairman.
Metro Man demanded: “Get a wriggle on with these snaps will you? I want to get down to Coq d’Argent to toast this deal with a few bottles of Krug, sharpish. I’m doing a primary school at two.”
City analysts have questioned the legitimacy of the agreement.
The feat was attributed to new signing Emmanuel Adebayor enjoying one of his three good weeks of the season. Months of underperformance lie ahead.
|3||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||39||3|
|8||Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||36||1|
|9||Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||32||2|
|10||Team Panda Rules OK||George||28||1|
|11||St. Reatham FC||Mike||28||0|
|12||Headless Chickens||John N||26||2|
|13||FC Testiculadew||James N||26||0|
|15||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||24||0|
|16||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||22||1|
|17||KS West Green||Stix||22||1|
|18||Just put Carles||Carles||21||0|
|21||PSV Mornington||El Pons||19||0|
|22||This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||18||0|
|23||Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||8||0|
|Player of the week||15||Sturridge, D – LIV – STR|
A SOMALI, a Jew, two Catalans, three Welshmen and nine blokes who once considered it their capital city walk into a London pub.
It’s not the start of an inappropriate joke, but what happened last Friday night when Kenna League managers gathered for the season’s second transfer window.
Over three hours in the busy bar of The Enterprise in Holborn, nearly 40 football players went under the hammer as managers shouted above the din of brisk trade.
For those that turned out there was plenty to whet the appetite.
Sporting Lesbian laid £15m on Wilfred Zaha, the most expensive player of the evening.
Bala Rinas, in the mix for a first league title, splashed just £1m less on the formerly unfashionable Marouane Chamakh, and were immediately rewarded with a goal this week.
Despite grumblings afterwards about connectivity, the Headless Chickens manager was able to Whatsapp in from an Austrian skiing chalet to scoop Kostantinos Mitroglu for £14m, and keep the team’s title hopes alive.
At the other end of the table, Young Boys were ringing the changes in a bid to escape relegation. Among seven new players was another £14m signing of the evening in the shape of Emmanuel Adebayor.
It was a typically haphazard night for fellow relegation strugglers Spartak Mogadishu.
Much to everyone’s amusement, the Pirates manager signed Danny Graham in earnest, but then realised the striker was ineligible to score points while languishing on the banks of the River Tees.
Graham was quickly tossed overboard under the new wildcard ruling, which allows any manager to dispense of one player at random during the window.
— Carles Duz Palau (@cduzpalau) February 7, 2014
As an intermediary battled the miserable London winter to make five signings for Just Put Carles, the manager tweeted a photo of himself on the beach in Antigua.
When the Catalan returns from the Caribbean imagine just how much colder and wetter the runway at Heathrow will be when he discovers his new striker is Shola Ameobi.
The concerning trend of absenteeism, so prevalent at – or not at – October’s window, gave way to new far more dangerous practice on Friday: presenteeism.
The former PSV Mornington manager turned up to the window, collected the Bramble Jersey for being bottom of the league and proceeded to make no signings all night. He preferred to consume pints and cigarettes at an alarming rate until midnight.
It just goes to show the pressure of propping up the Kenna table can never be underestimated.
With the window closing at around 10.30pm to end transfer business for the season, managers were left to open the envelopes containing the mystery forfeit Titus Bramble players.
Made up of some of the most high-profile deviants of the last 20 years, the inappropriate jokes could finally begin.
|1||Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||49||3|
|2||St. Reatham FC||Mike||40||3|
|4||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||38||2|
|8||FC Testiculadew||James N||31||0|
|9||KS West Green||Stix||31||0|
|12||Just put Carles||Carles||25||0|
|13||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||24||0|
|14||Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||23||2|
|15||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||22||1|
|16||This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||22||0|
|17||Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||21||2|
|21||Headless Chickens||John N||11||0|
|22||Team Panda Rules OK||George||11||0|
|23||PSV Mornington||El Pons||7||0|
|Player of the week||17||Hazard, E – CHE – MID|
By the Still Don’t Know Yet manager
A FLEET of Royal Navy ships has been deployed off the north east coast in an attempt to ward off the possibility of further pirate attacks following the brief abduction of a Middlesbrough football player.
Danny Graham had only just transferred to Boro from Kenna League team Still Don’t Know Yet when the incident happened on Friday night.
A pirate raiding party sailed up the River Tees to the club’s Riverside Stadium, where a landing party disembarked, captured the striker, and took him back on board.
However, after realising that Graham was ineligible to play for anyone but Middlesbrough (and useless at football so of little use for ransom), he was swiftly released almost as suddenly as he was captured.
“Yaaarrrrr, t’was an administrative error,” said a pirate spokesman as their ship sailed back towards Somalia.
By the Hairy Fadjeetas manager
TWO of the Kenna’s current powerhouses reacted with dismay after the season’s second transfer window descended in to farce on Friday evening.
Hairy Fadjeetas and Headless Chickens – two of the league’s so-called Big Four – were frozen out of proceedings as managers scrambled to fine tune or radically overhaul their teams in readiness for the business end of the season.
Accusations from the two mangers centre on the fact that league chiefs were unable to organise a piss up in a brewery/use Skype to allow team bosses on overseas scouting missions to bid for players. Skype has been the preferred method of bidding in abstentia for a number of years.
Speaking from an Alpine retreat, the Headless Chickens manager said: “Those at the top need to ask themselves some serious questions. Why we couldn’t engage in proceedings using a freemium voice-over-IP service and instant messaging client, I don’t know.
“I was asked to take part in what could be a season-defining auction using Whatsapp, that’s the digital equivalent of a carrier pigeon. They’re just self-interested Luddites.”
And the Hairy Fadjeetas boss, who recently fired a foul-mouthed salvo across the bows of Kenna HQ, added: “It’s not often that I feel like writing a strongly worded letter, but I am rather annoyed. C*nts.”
Kenna transfers nights are no strangers to controversy. During the Emmanuel Olisadebe 2012 Euros auction, the Horn of Africa threatened to resign his commission after a series of blunders while the very same evening saw the introduction of the pernicious practice known as tactical Brambling – the unloved brainchild of the current FC Testiculadew boss.
The Kenna chairman said: “Promises were made about wifi that weren’t kept.”
THE Hairy Fadjeetas manager has launched an expletive-ridden tirade in response to criticism of his approach to tomorrow’s Kenna League transfer window.
Labelling several Kenna figures as a rude word associated with a lady’s part, criticising league rivals and getting several of his players’ names wrong, the Hairy Fadjeetas manager held a press conference the likes of which football has never seen before*.
Despite an underperforming strikeforce of Roberto Soldado and Javier Hernandez, the manager has come under fire from fans and the club for choosing not to release any players ahead of tomorrow’s last chance to make changes before the end of the season in May.
Speaking while on holiday in the Austrian Alps as to how he planned to push for his maiden Kenna title without freshening up his team, the Fadges manager spat out this furious tirade earlier today:
“Don’t you f*ck!ng start. Which one’s the Chairman? You’re a c*nt. And which one’s from Mogadoodoo? You’re out of order. I don’t have to stand for it. Trying to f*cking undermine my position are you? It’s going to my lawyers.
“Transfers? Why do I need to make transfers? Are you trying to say my squad isn’t f*cking good enough or that I can’t get anyone in? We’ve got a great side with that Aaron Ramsden and Gethin Bazzard holding things together. I spend my whole life picking up the phone, talking to Alex Ferguson, week in, week out, what would you do, what would you do? I can pick the phone up at any time of day and speak to Arsene Wenger.
“And you can tell that Tactical Brambler… I’ve kept really quiet, but I’ll tell you something, he went down in my estimation when he did that – we have not resorted to that. But I’ll tell ya – you can tell him now if you’re watching it – we’re still fighting for this title, and he’s got to go to keep Dzeko scoring, and… and I tell you honestly, I will love it if we beat them, love it!”
The list of available players for tomorrow’s Kenna transfer window has been published in The Rub.
Managers attending the window will be surprised to see some big names released this week. In particular, the Piedmonte manger, another pushing for his first Kenna title, jettisoned Samir Nasri – who returns from injury in a couple of weeks.
Defending Kenna champions Sporting Lesbian waved toodle pip to Stephen Jovetic.
The Young Boys of Vauxhall manager, looking to escape a relegation first, released six players, including Operation Yewtree’s Rolf Harris.
*Disclaimer: football may have seen a press conference like this before