SATELLITE images of what was thought to be wreckage of the missing Malaysia Airlines flight were found floating in the Kenna League this week.
Initially identified as the debris as pieces of MH370, closer inspection revealed them to be at least three mid-table Kenna teams that have made little to no impact this season.
Families of the plane’s missing passengers were dealt a fresh blow when it turned what they thought might be a clue to the whereabouts of their loved ones was actually Rapids de Cullons CF‘s under-performing midfield of Mikeal Arteta, Steven Pienaar, Jonathan de Guzman and Ashley Young.
At the top of the Kenna this week, FC Testiculadew looked to have edged even closer to the trophy on Tuesday after two goals from Edin Dzeko, but last night Piedmonte‘s Steven Gerrard and Mark Noble both found the net to keep the second-placed team’s slender hopes alive.
“It ain’t over yet, McGavin!” tweeted the Piedmonte manager.
— Phil Davis (@PhillyD55) March 26, 2014
IMPERIAL aggression, hasty plebiscites in obscure lands and a Christian Benteke goal mean history looks to be repeating itself both in European geopolitics and the Kenna League.
Just as it turns out that inside every Ukrainian there’s an armed Russian wearing a balaclava just waiting to get out, so FC Testiculadew have emerged from the pack as favourites to lift the title.
Despite plenty of goals for Piedmonte (Long and Odemwingie) and Judean Peoples’ Front (Eriksen x2 and Rodriguez), the second and third place teams are being made to look like squabbling Western appeasers as ‘the villain of the Kenna‘ marches towards domination.
With just eight competitive weeks left, FCT’s impressive form and 28-point buffer means nothing short of World War Three will stop the manager claiming his second Kenna championship in three years.
Whether the red card is rescinded remains to be seen, but Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain’s lucky escape has put KS West Green above Headless Chickens and Hairy Fadjeetas – both early front runners of the campaign whose managers now seem to have run out of ideas in the league.
The Chickens boss is left to focus his attention on the Canesten Combi Cup, where his side took a three-goal lead in the quarter final first leg at West Green.
FCT look set to annex a badly-organised and ill-equipped PSV Mornington in their tie, although unlike Vlad they’ll need two weekends rather than one.
|1||Just put Carles||Carles||48||4|
|2||Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||39||3|
|3||Headless Chickens||John N||37||5|
|4||KS West Green||Stix||37||2|
|6||FC Testiculadew||James N||33||1|
|7||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||32||2|
|8||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||31||1|
|10||Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||29||4|
|11||This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||26||3|
|14||Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||24||1|
|16||St. Reatham FC||Mike||21||2|
|17||Team Panda Rules OK||George||21||1|
|21||PSV Mornington||El Pons||15||0|
|23||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||4||0|
|Player of the week||20||Suarez, L – LIV – STR|
|Club||This is Sparta…Prague|
GOALS from the unlikeliest source saw Piedmonte climb to second with just nine weeks left in the season.
More than a year since suffering an horrific injury sustained while sleeping in his car outside Loftus Road, Peter Odemwingie appears to have recovered his fitness and confidence to score twice this weekend.
Until last month’s transfer window, the Nigerian had been passed from club to club, unable to build any sort of momentum and at one point considered less reliable than an email from his home country.
Piedmonte put £5m worth of faith in the striker in February, set club doctors about treatment of a sore neck and some discomfort in the buttock where he’d slept on his wallet, and the manager’s already got back three goals and an assist.
Whether Odemwingie can go on to inspire his team to glory, much as Ian Botham did with bat and ball against Australia in 1981, remains to be seen.
Canesten Combi Cup holders Spartak Mogadishu were dumped out of the competition on the weekend, but reports filtering out of Somalia suggest the club’s manager has other priorities.
Upon learning a Boeing 777 could be floating around in the Indian Ocean last week the Somali immediately put out to sea.
Visitors to the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility found the site deserted, save for an elderly, khat-chewing groundsman who talked of an entire community swept up in the swarthy promise of hundreds of untouched Halal meal options.
In a classic top-versus-bottom clash, FC Testiculadew will take on PSV Mornington after Hairy Fadjeetas added to their recent league woe by losing on points in the second leg of their match against a side managed by a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola.
|3||KS West Green||Stix||32||0|
|5||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||28||0|
|6||Team Panda Rules OK||George||26||0|
|7||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||25||2|
|9||Headless Chickens||John N||24||1|
|11||St. Reatham FC||Mike||24||1|
|12||PSV Mornington||El Pons||23||1|
|13||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||21||0|
|14||Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||19||1|
|15||Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||18||0|
|17||FC Testiculadew||James N||15||1|
|19||Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||13||0|
|21||This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||11||1|
|22||Just put Carles||Carles||11||0|
|Player of the week||12||Odemwingie, P – STO – STR|
ODDS on FC Testiculadew claiming their second Kenna League title dropped faster than a Malaysia Airlines flight this weekend as the club extended their lead at the top of the table.
Even though as they hurtled towards earth at terminal velocity passengers of MH370 would have seen FCT striker Edin Dzeko’s fluffed goalmouth effort going the other way, a masterful display from Mesut Ozil and assists from Kevin Mirallas and Juan Mata saw the chasing pack drop even further off the radar.
What everyone hoped would remain the most open Kenna season in recent times has veered dramatically off course. Managers can only pray it doesn’t turn into a repeat of this time two years ago, when FCT’s dominance left the rest of league bobbing around helpless in the dark ocean, watching the wreckage of their title challenge sink into the depths and wondering whether the pathetic light given off by their life jackets can be seen by Vietnamese search and rescue pilots in fake Ray Bans.
His ongoing silent protest over changes to league rules spelt no comment from the DRS manager on his team’s steady decline from mid-table to the relegation zone. Analysts believe a sponsored silence would have been a sure fire way for the manager to raise much-needed transfer funds.
Looking ahead to the weekend’s Canesten Combi Cup last 16 fixtures, four goals shipped at home in the first leg for both Judean Peoples’ Front and Team Panda Rules OK mean it’ll take a lot more than a pair of fake passports for them to get into the quarter finals.
|1||Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||31||3|
|2||Team Panda Rules OK||George||30||3|
|3||FC Testiculadew||James N||29||1|
|4||KS West Green||Stix||29||1|
|6||Just put Carles||Carles||23||1|
|9||St. Reatham FC||Mike||19||1|
|10||Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||18||1|
|11||This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||18||1|
|13||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||16||0|
|15||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||14||0|
|20||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||9||0|
|21||Headless Chickens||John N||7||0|
|22||Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||6||0|
|23||PSV Mornington||El Pons||5||0|
|Player of the week||12||Caulker, S – CAR – DEF|
|Club||Rapids De Cullons CF|
CALLS for an official inquiry have been heard around the Kenna after teams led by two high-ranking league officials registered resounding cup victories in what was otherwise a quiet week for goals.
In the first leg of the Canesten Combi Cup last 16 fixtures, KS West Green and Bala Rinas – managed by the Kenna chairman and treasurer respectively – both scored four shots on target, or ‘got an Oscar’s night‘, as it has recently become known.
A hat-trick for Andre Schurrle and a rare Curtis Davies strike secured a vital away win for the chairman’s side over Judean Peoples’ Front, whose manager is best known for looking like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik.
Johnny Heitinga, Romelu Lukaku and a brace from Moussa Sissoko saw Bala Rinas cruise to victory over a lacklustre Team Panda Rules OK performance.
No doubt spurred on by either ongoing events in Ukraine, a faction led by the Young Boys of Vauxhall manager has questioned the integrity of the league and called for a full investigation.
“You see this? I wouldn’t wash my car with this! And not only because it’s a piece of paper,” he fumed at his chamois.
The Chairman’s response was uncharacteristic, but made clear upon watching the YouTube video below. He said: “Yo, you want fantasy football? I got fantasy football. I got the best fantasy football.
“This area’s dry, man. You know that. I know that. Ain’t nobody arranging fantasy football but me.
“I got auctions, I got transfer windows, I got pub crawls. I’ve got the finest cup competition this area has seen in years. You need me and I need you. Let’s make this work.
“You buy entry to the league, you get entry to the cup totally free. Gratis.
“I got everything. Even a World Cup fantasy auction, baby.”
Canesten Combi Cup last 16 first leg results
Rapids De Cullons 1 – 0 Northern Monkeys
Dynamo Charlton 0 – 2 Newington Reds
St Reatham FC 0 – 0 Lokomotiv Leeds
Team Panda Rules OK 1 – 4 Bala Rinas
Judean Peoples’ Front 0 – 4 KS West Green
Headless Chickens 0 – 0 Spartak Mogadishu
FC Testiculadew 2 – 1 This is Sparta…Prague
PSV Mornington 0 – 1 Hairy Fadjeetas
|1||KS West Green||Stix||33||4|
|5||FC Testiculadew||James N||25||2|
|6||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||25||0|
|7||Team Panda Rules OK||George||25||0|
|10||Just put Carles||Carles||20||1|
|11||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||20||0|
|12||Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||19||1|
|13||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||19||0|
|14||This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||18||1|
|17||PSV Mornington||El Pons||14||0|
|18||Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||13||0|
|20||Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||11||0|
|21||St. Reatham FC||Mike||10||0|
|22||Headless Chickens||John N||8||0|
|Player of the week||17||Schurrle, A – CHE – MID|
|Club||KS West Green|
THE Young Boys of Vauxhall manager has claimed he would have been “Kenna chairman for more than 10 years” had he not been a sheep shagger.
The Welshman makes the claims in an authorised biography serialised by the Sunday Times.
“I believe if I was English, I would have been Kenna chairman for more than 10 years – it’s as simple as that,” said the Young Boys boss, who won the league in 2011 and the Canesten Combi Cup in 2009.
Kenna HQ is aware of the claims but declined to comment.
The manager of Young Boys, who joined the Kenna in 2007 and is now in his sixth year of campaigning, claimed: “I think the Kenna wished I shagged Hereford cattle or Suffolk pigs. I had the credibility, performance-wise, to be chairman.
“There is a ceiling and although no-one has ever said it, I believe it’s made of wool.”
“The chairman now does a rubbish job,” said the Young Boys manager. “It’s embarrassing. I keep asking myself, ‘what have I done?’
“I’ve asked myself many times why I wasn’t [made chairman]. I keep coming up with the same answer. It’s the sheep’s blood on my trousers.”
Detractors claim the comments are sour grapes from the manager, who has become an increasingly bitter and isolated figure with his team’s decline in the last two years, culminating in an outspoken rant at the incumbent chairman in November for changes to the Canesten Combi Cup.
Young Boys sit one place above the relegation zone and are already out of this season’s Canesten.