KS West Green 2013/14


New club, new training facility: The KS West Green manager

Twitter name: @jeffkennaleague

Since: 2005 (co-founder and chairman)

Last season: 18th (relegated)

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2005/06, Canesten Combi Cup winner 2006, treble in 2009/2010 (league, cup, Dr Khumalo World Cup 2010)

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Let Me Be Your Fantasy – Baby D

Outlook (on 27 September 2013): As both Kenna chairman and competitor, the former Vasco De Beauvoir manager faces an increasingly inescapable conundrum. At the reins of Kenna HQ, the chairman has seen the league swell in popularity and elan with a record 20 managers last season enjoying unprecedented attendance at transfer windows. In charge of Vasco De Beauvoir, the manager has overseen the club’s steady decline since the treble-winning year of 2010, resulting in a slump to relegation for the first time. Indifferent to the Kenna’s overall success, the powers that be at Vasco had enough. Despite bringing them more glory than any other team in the league’s history the manager was handed his P45 in May.

Taking the number 67 bus from De Beauvoir deeper into north London, the chairman has found new employ at Klub Sportowy in West Green, where the streets are literally paved with empty Polish beer cans. The Worcestershire man may be from the pear county, but five weeks into the season his tenure is failing to bear much fruit. Ashley Williams, Nathaniel Clyne and £40m Sergio Aguero may be justifying their expense, but the manager is beset by injury and loss of form.

The Ox made an impressive first 45 minutes to the season, but hasn’t played since. ‘Release’ Bryan Ruiz pulled up right in front of the manager’s nose at Craven Cottage two weeks ago. Andre Schurrle, who averages a goal every three games for club and country, is struggling to make an impact and looks like he will soon share a similar fate to Graham Dorrans and Wes Hoolahan – and lose his place in the starting line up. Mark Hudson captained his side last season but now can’t get a place in the team. Jordi Spence is on loan in the lower divisions. Anders Lindegaard is getting as much time in goal at Old Trafford as Anders Breivik.

So while KS West Green may not be in line for any traditional Kenna silverware, they’re surely an early favourite in the Little Maddy award for least appearances stakes.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Speroni, J CRY £0.5m
Davies, C HUL £0.5m
Clyne, N SOT £7m
Williams, A SWA £9m
Bardesley, P SUN £5m
Barry, G EVE £0.5m
Schurrle, A CHE £14m
Whittingham, P CAR £2m
Ox-Chamberlain, A ARS £0.5m
Aguero, S MCY £39m
De Jong, L NEW £5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £13.5m, remaining budget: £5m, net loss: £8.5m

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold POS Player Team Value
GK Lindegaard, A MUN Free GK Speroni, J C RY £0.5m
DEF Spence, J (TB) WHU Free DEF Davies, C HUL £0.5m
DEF Hudson, M CAR Free DEF Whittaker, S NOR £5.0m
MID Dorrans, G WBA Free MID Barry, G EVE £0.5m
MID Hoolahan, W NOR Free MID Whittingham, P CAR £2m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Starting budget: £15m, remaining budget: £5m, net loss: £10m

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold POS Player Team Value
DEF Whittaker, S NOR Free DEF Bardsley, P SUN £5m
STR Ruiz, B FUL Free STR De Jong, L NEW £5m

Spartak Mogadishu 2013/14


Two fingers: The Spartak Mogadishu manager

Manager: Abdi (Somalia)

Twitter name: @abdinw1

Since: 2010

Last season: 8th

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2012/13

Sympathies: Arsenal

Darts music: The Trumpet Hornpipe

Outlook (on 24 September 2013): Spartak Mogadishu stunned the whole league in May when they lifted their first piece of the silverware, the Canesten Combi Cup. Not writing anything down and drinking heavily, the manager traditionally approached auctions with the gay abandon of an Al-Shabab shopping spree, and his reputation of firebrand was galvanised when he became the first manager to resign in the middle of an auction at the Emmanuel Olisadebe 2012 Euros. Attending last month’s all-dayer for the first time outside of Ramadan appeared to temper the Somali, and he even hooked some worthwhile players.

At the unveiling of the new squad at the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility, the manager admitted he felt slightly hornswoggled at the purchase of Glenn Murray, who’s been on crutches since May and will continue to be for some time. In Robert van Wolfswinkel, Marco van Ginkel and Johnny Heitinga, the manager has three players to feature in the national side for Holland, a country known throughout history for its maritime tradition. Hernandez, Lallana, Kolarov and Jaaskelainen all started the season in strong form.

Despite this Spartak are not managing to gel and slipping down the table with each passing week. In the Kenna there’s a very fine line between success or failure; between a white, sandy Caribbean island, a crate of rum and Keira Knightly, or five minutes in the upstairs room of a tavern with a toothless crone.

(B) denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling.

Jaaskelainen, J WHM £12m
Chiriches, V TOT £2.5m
Kolarov, A MCY £10m
Gabbidon, D CRY £3.5m
Olsson, J WBA £1m
Lallana, A SOT £12m
Cleverley, T MUN £7m
Hernandez, P SWA £15m
Barkley, R EVE £8.5m
van Wolfswinkel, R NOR £13m
Jones, K CAR £0.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £12.5m, remaining budget: £1.5m, net loss £11m

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
DEF Bramble, T FAG Free DEF Taylor, A CAR £0.5m
DEF Heitinga, J EVE Free DEF Olsson, J WBA £1.0m
MID Van Ginkel, M CHE Free MID Barkley, R EVE £8.5m
STR Murray, G CRY Free STR Gayle, D CHE £0.5m
STR Kone, A (released on a free) EVE £0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
DEF Taylor, A CAR Free DEF Chiriches, V TOT £2.5m
DEF Shotton, R STO Free DEF Gabbidon, D CRY £3.5m
STR Gayle, D CRY £0.5m STR Jones, K CAR £0.5m

Piedmonte 2013/14

Phil profile pic

England till he dies: The Piedmonte manager

Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co-founder)

Last season: 4th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 2nd in 2006/07)

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts music: The Great Escape – the England Band

Outlook (on 19 September): Commitments on the south coast meant the Piedmonte manager was unable to attend last month’s auction in person. Instead he joined proceedings by Skype over three hours into the bidding. Unenviable, considering this would be his ninth tilt at the Kenna hindered by an unhealthy preoccupation with signing English players. As such his trophy cabinet’s emptier than a pint of Carling is of flavour. He joins the Newington Reds manager on dismal figures of just two podium finishes in eight seasons.

Removed from the absurdity of The Roebuck’s upstairs bar, the Piedmonte manager appears to have overcome his prejudice, buying just five players who hail from the green and pleasant land, although how pleasant the changing rooms will be after a mid-match visit from Jason Puncheon is up for debate. The rest of the team is made up of a German, a Welshman, a Norwegian, a Frenchman, a Togolese and an Irishman. The manager must be asking himself if all these Johnny Foreigners be able to play in a rigid 4-4-2 system reliant on long ball? Or will they just be a bad, uncoordinated, out-of-tune joke?

Krul, T NEW  £9m
Jagielka, P EVE  £17m
Davies, B SWA  £7m
Jones, P MUN  £17m
Hangeland, B FUL  £10m
Gerrard, S LIV  £10m
Noble, M WHM  £7.5m
Townsend, A TOT  £1.5m
Puncheon, J CRY  £3m
Long, S HUL  £5m
Odemwingie, P STO  £5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £8m, remaining budget: £7.5m, net loss: £0.5m

(Hyperlink denotes from which club player was bought)

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
STR Adebayor, E TOT Free STR Walters, J STO £0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out In
Position Player Team Sold Position Player Team Paid
MID Nasri, S MCY £2m MID Townsend, A TOT £1.5m
STR Walters, J STO £0.5m STR Odemwingie, P STO £5m

FC Testiculadew 2013/14

James N

Poor man’s Hugo Drax: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: 2nd

Trophy cabinet: 2011/12 league and cup double

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: Imperial March – Star Wars 

Outlook (on 16 September 2013): Forty floors below the club’s Itchysack Park training facility, the FC Testiculadew manager mused behind his heavy oak desk. He had won the league and cup double on his first attempt. He’d broken records that year and shown up the rest of them to be the footballing simpletons they were, groping around in dark while his team had run away with the championship. He had created the master stroke of tactical Brambling, buying ineligible players to wilfully accept a forfeit and give himself an advantage by freeing up funds late on in the auction. It was an act everyone else found atrocious. Why? There was no cheating in the world, only winning, no matter what ridiculous code of honour those bungling fools at Kenna HQ tried to uphold. Chivalry doesn’t equal success, cunning equals success and success equals power, and power, true power, was everything.

In May the unthinkable happened: he’d finished second. This was definitely not part of the plan. FCT would have to win this season, and with Benteke and Dzeko on form his team had made a good start. The half a million paid for Juan Mata didn’t quite seem like the bargain it was a month ago, but the rest of the midfield showed promise. He was reasonably satisfied with the defence too, although Debussy’s performances were a worry. The truth was every player was expendable in the hunt for a second title. Very soon they would understand that.

He pulled a tasselled chord next to the desk. There was no sound for a few moments until the door creaked open and an elderly butler entered. “Have they assembled in the sacrificial chamber?” said the manager. The subordinate nodded in assent. “Good, tell them I’ll be there directly.”

The butler left the room. The FCT manager robed himself in a ceremonial cloak and pulled on the hood. It was time.

Lloris, H TOT £0.5m
Debuchy, M NEW £5m
Olsson, M NOR £0.5m
Sakho, M LIV £7m
Azpilicueta, C CHE £11m
Mirallas, K EVE £13m
Mata, J MUN £0.5m
Shelvey, J SWA £0.5m
Ozil, M ARS £13m
Benteke, C AVL £38m
Dzeko, E MCY £19m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £22,5m, remaining budget: £4.5m, net loss: £18m

(Hyperlink denotes to which club player was sold)

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Value
DEF Olsson, M NOR Free DEF Olsson, M NOR £0.5m
DEF Koscielny, L ARS £2.5m DEF Sakho, M LIV £7m
MID Taarabt, A FUL Free MID Ozil, M ARS £13m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Value
DEF Rafael MUN £11m DEF Azpilicueta, C CHE £11m

Dulwich Red Sox 2013/14


Identity crisis: The Dulwich Red Sox manager

Manager: Luke (Shropshire)

Twitter name: @Lurliner

Since: 2011

Last season: Did not enter

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 13th in 2011/12)

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Rat Rapping – Roland Rat (featuring Kevin the Gerbil)

Outlook (on 13 September 2013): There’s something from the hip about the Dulwich Red Sox manager’s approach not just to the Kenna, but to life. Like a whirlwind he entered the competitive arena of last month’s auction – tail up, nose twitching, giving it the Barry – looking to buy any players he liked the sound of to build his smash and grab team. It didn’t work two seasons ago when the manager was in charge of the Lurliners and, like the DRS cricketing namesake, it’s still not the finished solution.

Dimitar Berbatov is one of the best striker’s around, five per cent of the time, and will not reflect his £24m price tag as well as Oscar. Osman’s a steady buy, Milner’s more part-time workhorse than creative show pony and Giggs – how long until age or another failed superinjunction catch up with him? Reid and Lowton are regular starters, but Martin Skrtel’s future hangs in the balance and Thomas Vermaelen is a shade of the former goal-scoring self who came to the Kenna four years ago. Freidel’s one appearance of the season will be on the Match of the Day 2 sofa.

Friedel, B TOT £0.5m
Lowton, M AVL £8m
Reid, W WHM £8.5m
Skrtel, M LIV £12m
Vermaelen, T ARS £5.5m
Milner, J MCY £5m
Osman, L EVE £11m
Oscar CHE £24m
Giggs, R MUN £1m
Berbatov, D MON £24m
Fletcher, S SUN £0.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Did not attend. League membership under review.

Hairy Fadjeetas 2013/14


Wheeler dealer: The Hairy Fadjeetas manager

Manager: Aiden (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: 9th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – last season)

Sympathies: Sheffield Wednesday

Darts music: The Vag1na Song

Outlook (on 12 September 2013): With only one Turkey of the Month award to his name, the Hairy Fadjeetas manager still has it all to prove at club level. His most successful efforts have been on the international stage, where he collected a runners up medal in the Dr Khumalo 2010 World Cup, but most notably took charge of the league Twitter account during the Emmanuel Olisadebe 2012 Euros. The chairman has given his word that should the league realise the dream of owning premises in St James’s there will always be a place on the billiard room wall for the resounding description of The Horn of Africa manager throwing in the towel halfway through an auction and the moment 10 minutes later when he picked it up again.

His place on the committee under threat with the swift decline of tweeting entire auctions, the Fadges manager manned the Skype business during last month’s all day bonanza. While administering bids from such exotic climes as Valencia and Bournemouth, for his own team the manager kept it simple and went big on two players already justifying their £30m+ price tag: Robert Soldado and Edin Hazard (league ball boys have been placed on high alert). As for the rest of team, it appears to be a mixture of dwindling roles (Hernandez, Grandin, Gouffran) and plodding performance (Marshall, Turner, Jarvis). Once Nastasic returns from injury, he’ll join Kolo Toure, Ron Vlaar, Soldado and Hazard as the team’s mainstays. Will this be enough to drag the Hairy Fadjeetas manager out of the hall of infame?

Marshall, D CAR £3.5m
Vlaar, R AVL £5.5m
Turner, M NOR £3m
Toure, K LIV £6.5m
Nastasic, M MCY £0.5m
Jarvis, M WHM £7.5m
Hazard, E CHE £34m
Gouffran, Y NEW £0.5m
Ramsey, A ARS £11m
Soldado TOT £33m
Hernandez, J MUN £1.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £11m, remaining budget: £0m, net loss: £11m

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
MID Grandin, E CRY Free MID Ramsey, A ARS £11m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

No changes

Northern Monkeys 2013/14


Complacent: The Northern Monkeys manager

Manager: Hugo (Tyneside)

Twitter name: @Hugeist

Since: 2012

Last season: 12th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Newcastle

Darts music: Northern Calypso – Hale & Pace

Outlook (on 11 September 2013): Lack of firepower is sure to be the Northern Monkeys manager’s biggest worry this term. Not only does the team start with Titus Bramble forfeit player Emmanuel Mayuka, who’s been farmed out on loan to France, but Victor Anichebe has been knocked down the pecking order with the arrival of new strikers in Merseyside.

There aren’t many more goals in midfield. Marquee signing David Silva tends to enjoy a short purple patch each season, but like Antonio Valencia mainly picks up the odd assist. Since Damien Duff’s over the hill, it’s left to Kevin Nolan to find the net.

In defence it’s a better story. Vorm, Huth, Vertonghen and Mertesacker are regular starters bought for a decent price at auction. All of which leaves plenty in the kitty going into October’s transfer window. The manager will need every penny if he wants to avoid an anonymous mid-table finish for the second consecutive season.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

McGregor, A HUL £0.5m
Mertesacker, P ARS £6.5m
Vertonghen, J TOT £7m
Turner, B CAR £0.5m
Williamson, M NEW £0.5m
Hazell, S (TB) BRA £0.5m
Silva, D MCY £26m
Downing, S WHU £0.5m
Valencia, A MUN £7m
Bornini, F SUN £10m
Eto’o, S CHE £2m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £26m, remaining budget: £9.5m, net loss: £16.5m

(Hyperlink denotes from which club player was bought)

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Value
DEF Taylor, S NEW Free DEF Coloccini, F NEW £4.5m
STR Mayuka, E (B) SCX Free STR Weimann, A AVL £10m
STR Anichebe, V EVE Free STR Eto’o, S CHE £2m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out In
Position Player Team Sold Position Player Team Paid
GK Vorm, M SWA Free GK McGregor, A HUL £0.5m
DEF Huth, R STO Free DEF Turner, B CAR £0.5m
DEF Coloccini, F NEW Free DEF Williamson, M NEW £0.5m
MID Duff, D WBA Free MID Downing, S WHU £0.5m
MID Nolan, K WHU Bramble MID Hazell, S (TB) BRA £0.5m
STR Weimann, A AVL Free STR Bornini, F SUN £10m