Broken fantasy

Elf fair

Summer daze: What looks amazing in late August will often show severe cracks three months on

THERE COMES a time in most Kenna managers’ careers when they know that chances of winning the league are all but over for the season.

Despite the customary early-August, post auction-night complaint that the evening’s excess led to poor decision making and an impending mid-table finish, the pilot light of hope cannot but be ignited when Martin Skrtel starts a potentially record-breaking run by nodding in a couple of summer goals or Peter Crouch begins making runs as darting and incisive as a deer fleeing from an aggressive deforestation programme.

As any experienced boiler room Kenna sheepskin will tell you, these wholesome facades are quickly dashed in autumn, once the new guy who signed the most precocious and unpopular talent emerges as the favourite. The old adage stands firm: no one ever wins buying players they like, especially if those players are English.

So as the rugby club fireworks fizzle out and the giant green shopping centre reindeer go up, here are the warning signs that your chance of winning the league may not be all you think it’s cracked up to be:

  • You celebrate every one of your player’s goals so wildly the other half pops in to check you haven’t stepped in a bear trap
  • Two of your five signings in the first transfer window are yet to score, and unlikely to feature any time soon
  • Each time Wigan Athletic go one up you convince yourself it’s Emerson Boyce, only to be disappointed yet again by the vidiprinter
  • You’ve earmarked Jason Puncheon as an excellent way to strengthen your midfield in the February transfer window
  • Of your own free will, you bought Titus Bramble
  • The PSV Mornington manager phones to tell you how well his team are doing
  • When given the chance to discharge her at the transfer window, you opt to keep missing Cameroon Olympic women’s football team reserve goalkeeper Drusille Ngako
  • Watching Match of the Day is a constant reminder that everything you think you know about football is wrong.

Goal watch

The Canesten Combi Cup starts this weekend, with eight matches going on in the four groups.

The team scoring the most goals in each match will take three points.

“The new cup format, exclusive to the Kenna, encourages managers to take an active interest in the weekend’s goal action,” reads the condescending league-branded bumph.

“We suggest you check out your opponent’s team ahead of Saturday and feel everything scored going in, whether that be pleasurable or an unwanted surprise.

“And remember that own goals count against you.”

Group  A

Bala Rinas v Woking

Greendale Rockets v Still Don’t Know Yet

Week off: Dynamo Charlton

Group B

Hairy Fadjeetas v Northern Monkeys

Vasco De Beauvoir v Judean Peoples’ Front

Week off: Headless Chickens

Group C

Pikey Scum v FC Testiculadew

Sporting Lesbian v Spartak Mogadishu

Week off: Newington Reds

Group D

PSV Mornington v Lokomotiv Leeds

Just Put Carles v Piedmonte

Week off: Wandsworth Window Lickers

League table

Week 11 - 13 November 2012

Week 11 – 13 November 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testicluadew James N 38 2
2 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 32 2
3 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 27 1
4 Northern Monkeys Hugo 25 2
5 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 25 2
6 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 25 1
7 Just put Carles Carles 25 0
8 Pikey Scum Jack 25 0
9 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 24 2
10 Dynamo Charlton Alex 23 1
11 Piedmonte Phil 22 1
12 Newington Reds Dudley 21 1
13 PSV Mornington El Pons 20 0
14 Bala Rinas Lewis 19 0
15 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 18 1
16 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 18 1
17 Headless Chickens John N 15 0
18 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 12 0
19 Greendale Rockets Stu 10 0
20 Woking Mike 9 0

 

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Search for official Euros auction pub announced

The official Kenna gavel

Hammered: The perfect auction venue must have a bar

Media release

16 March 2012

  • ‘Perfect’ London pub sought for auction night
  • Competition named as Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup

KENNA HQ launched plans for this summer’s European Cup by announcing the search for the ‘perfect’ London pub to hold the auction.

Set for the evening of Thursday 31 May, the auction will involve no more than 16 managers battling it out for honours in the newly-named 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup.

Speaking from an ornamental fountain in the Middle East, the Kenna Chairman said: “We like our football auctions with a pint, and by pint I mean a pint of beer, so we’re looking for a central London pub with an upstairs bit or sort of funtion room we can use for an evening.

“We’ve used a few other adequate venues in the past, but we still haven’t found the perfect pub. We need an area where 16 managers can sit around a table with a steady flow of draft premium lager and without competing for noise with the uninitiated.

“If you know a pub that meets the criteria get in touch.”

The criteria

  • Central London pub
  • Space for 16 managers to sit around a table/s
  • Wi-fi available
  • Ready access to food and drinks
  • The Kenna is a not-for-profit organisation so cannot offer payment, but can offer some very thirsty patrons.

Please send suggestions to kennaleague@gmail.com or tweet @jeffkennaleague using #bestlondonpub

The Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup

Kenna HQ announced the name of the competition as the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup.

The Chairman said: “We’re absolutely delighted to have Emmanuel as our figurehead. His 11 goals in 25 appearances for Poland made him the stand-out candidate.

“Being an organisation proud of its diversity, we hope to use the tournament as an opportunity to highlight all that is multicultural about Poland, Ukraine and football itself; just like FIFA are doing with the 2022 Qatar World Cup.”

The competition will be limited to 16 teams. In the event that more managers wish to pick up the gauntlet, entry preference will be given to managers in the following order:

  1. Kenna commitee members (x3)
  2. Managers finishing highest in this season’s domestic league
  3. Founding Kenna members
  4. Other former Kenna managers
  5. Ruud Gullit