Touré of Duty

Toyota Hilux

Hitting the road?: Toure torn between war and the Kenna

Title challengers Lokomotiv Leeds face a not-so-happy New Year with the prospect of losing their star midfielder Yaya Touré to the African Cup of Nations.

“Our country needs people like myself and Didier Drogba because there is a war and it’s important we do what we can for our people, but this is also a crucial time of the season,” said Touré, studiously doing keepy ups while seven friends carrying Russian assault rifles beckoned him from the rear of a 1988 Toyota Hilux.

Lokomotiv find themselves in a top three separated by only 18 points going into Christmas week.

“We’ve got plenty of talent in midfield to maintain pressure on FCT and Newington Reds in Yaya’s absence,” said the Lokomotiv manager at the club’s training ground, before diving for cover from another errant Victor Moses goal attempt.

Newington Reds are also set to lose prolific, Senegalese striker Demba Ba to the tournament in Gabon and Equatorial Guinea.

“Baaaaa!” opined the Reds gaffer.

Weekly scores - 13 December 2011

Weekly scores - 13 December 2011




Ba hatrick

Ba hatrick

Newington Reds striker Demba Ba scored his second hatrick of the campaign to maintain the club’s position in the the top four.

The Senegalese hitman has finally found his way after a slow start for reasons the Spartak Mogadishu manager may do well to note.

The Reds manager was further buoyed by clean sheets from new signings Phil Jones and John Arne Riise.

“Obviously, I’ll be hitting the bar,” chortled the Newington Reds boss.

Newbie surge

Rooky managers continued the trend of impressing themselves on the Kenna as Lokomotiv Leeds snatched second place.

A goal and an assist from Rafael van der Vaart stole the show the for Yorkshire outfit.

The Dutch playmaker had briefly been signed by Vasco De Beauvoir on auction night, until the ill-advised purchase of Wesley Sneijder.

Vasco are ninth in the table.

Bannan-a skin

The Pikey Scum gaffer was forced to take a long hard look at himself this week, after two players released in the transfer window scored goals.

Stylian Petrov, who was snapped up by rivals Superfuzz, netted, as did free agent Andy Carroll.

Scum replaced Petrov with Scottish talent Barry Bannan.

“He hasn’t turned out to be quite the midfield driving force we’d hoped for,” lamented the Scum boss.

Weekly scores - 1 Nov 2011

Weekly scores - 1 November 2011

Newington Reds (first window)

Manager: Mr Ben Dudley (ENG)

Since: 2005 (founder member)

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Liverpool

Kenny, P QPR £0.5m
Shawcross, R STO £9m
Jones, P MUN £22m
Riise, J FUL £8m
Vermaelen, T ARS £3m
Downing, S LIV £16m
N’Zogbia, C AVL £0.5m
Nasri, S MCY £18m
Sinclair, S SWA £1.5m
Ba, D NEW £11m
Rodallega, H WIG £0.5m