Dynamo dealt Walcott injury blow

Theo Walcott on holiday

On the beach: Dynamo Charlton’s Theo Walcott looks set to miss the rest of the season and the World Cup (photo courtesy of Oliver Sparrow)

DYNAMO Charlton look set for a third season of trophyless woe after star midfielder Theo Walcott was ruled out with injury for six months.

Walcott scored in the weekend’s Canesten Combi Cup group stage before being stretchered off with an ‘anterior cruciate ligament of his left knee’, according to club quacks.

The Dynamo Charlton manager took to Twitter yesterday to vent his frustrations. He can only look forward to next month’s Kenna transfer window to freshen up the side, although his decision to sign Scott Sinclair and Peter Odemwingie in the October window has become the cause of some unrest among fans.

The lone Walcott goal wasn’t enough for Dynamo as they lost by two to in-form St Reatham FC, Gaston Ramirez and Mohamed Diame finding the net.

Seven sides qualified for the knockout stages of the Canesten Combi Cup with a game to go.

Mathematically, every team can still progress in the tournament except Pikey Scum, whose single point saves them from the total ignominy suffered by Bala Rinas 12 months ago.

Outside the club’s Caravan Park training facility, a downcast Pikey Scum manager said yesterday: “One point from four games is shameful. I think the most I can hope for is sneaking a Manager of the Month award and getting reduced entry to the World Cup. I think even that is hopeful.”

Piedmonte, who have to beat PSV Mornington by at least eight goals in the last game to go through, are likely to follow Pikey Scum out of the cup.

It’s been a tough week for the Piedmonte manager. Having topped the table before Christmas, the club slipped to fourth place in the league. Can he stem the decline?

Canesten Combi Cup – group stage standings

Cup groups - 7 January 2014

Cup groups – 7 January 2014

Cup fixtures

21-Jan-14 Team Panda Rules OK v Dulwich Red Sox
21-Jan-14 Still Don’t Know Yet v Judean Peoples Front
21-Jan-14 KS West Green v This is Sparta…Prague
21-Jan-14 Just put Carles v Dynamo Charlton
21-Jan-14 Pikey Scum v Rapids De Cullons CF
21-Jan-14 FC Testiculadew v St. Reatham FC
21-Jan-14 Spartak Mogadishu v Newington Reds
21-Jan-14 Northern Monkeys v Young Boys
21-Jan-14 Headless Chickens v Sporting Lesbian
21-Jan-14 PSV Mornington v Piedmonte
21-Jan-14 Bala Rinas v Hairy Fadjeetas

Kenna table

Kenna week 18 - 7 January 2014

Kenna week 18 – 7 January 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 58 5
2 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 55 5
3 Headless Chickens John N 55 3
4 Bala Rinas Lewis 55 2
5 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 53 3
6 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 52 4
7 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 49 1
8 St. Reatham FC Mike 47 1
9 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 45 2
10 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 41 2
11 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 41 2
12 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 35 1
13 Newington Reds Dudley 35 0
14 Pikey Scum Jack 33 1
15 Northern Monkeys Hugo 31 0
16 Dynamo Charlton Alex 30 2
17 KS West Green Stix 28 1
18 PSV Mornington El Pons 27 2
19 Just put Carles Carles 27 1
20 FC Testiculadew James N 26 0
21 Young Boys Denney 25 0
22 Team Panda Rules OK George 23 2
23 Piedmonte Phil 21 1
Points Player
Player of the week 19 Bony, W – SWA – STR
Club Lokomotiv Leeds
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Podium race bursts into life for final match

Beach volleyball

Difficult to focus on the game: Many Kenna managers have had one eye on the beach for some time (photo courtesy of k1studio)

DIMITAR Berbatov and Loïc Rémy responded to accusations from these very pages last week that they had one eye on the beach to both notch for FC Testiculadew.

The two goals, alongside a Steven Pienaar assist and John Ruddy clean sheet, put defending champions FCT to within 56 points of Sporting Lesbian.

The 19th goal of the campaign from Lesbian’s £2.5m midfielder Michu puts one hand on the title for the debut manager.

The chasing pack with one week to go:

Judean Peoples’ Front
Another all-action display from the defence – Joe Hart, Ashley Cole and Jose Enrique have scored over 400 points between them – and a brace from Emmanuel Adebayor put the club just 15 points off second place. An excellent season from the Anders Breivik doppleganger manager whose previous league best was ninth.

Piedmonte
Frank Lampard isn’t the Kenna star performer he once was, but two goals on the weekend, and assists from Ricky Lambert and Adam Johnson have their manager just 30 points away from equaling his best league finish – runners up in the 2006/07 season

Dynamo Charlton
Goals from Oscar and Robert Snodgrass found the net. Nathan Dyer and Carlos Tevez helped others to do the same. Even Danny Graham’s drought and Per Mertesacker can’t stop the Olisadebe Euro 2012 winning manager from an outside chance of second place.

Just Put Carles
The Catalan manager dropped down the table, but all eyes will be on this weekend’s Canesten Combi Cup final against Spartak Mogadishu. Goals from Silva, Henderson, Maloney & co could prompt a cup win and podium finish come Sunday.

Lokomotiv Leeds
It would take a Herculean effort for Lokomotiv to make up the 39 point gap to third place. The manager doesn’t look like achieving the runner up spot debut of last season.

Meanwhile at the other end, the relegation dogfight looks to have fizzled out. Even with the Lukas Podolski double scored in tonight’s match (not included in this update), Vasco De Beauvoir are closer to digging themselves further into oblivion than the other way. The end of an eight year tenure in the Kenna?

Wandsworth Window Lickers are trying to guide themselves into the end of a awful season. Their manager has whisked himself off to Colombia for a jolly, under the guise of having a nose for new talent – a move being sniffed at by his critics.

Surrey Police have found an abandoned car in Runtley Wood, thought to belong to the missing Woking manager. The manhunt continues.

League table

Week 37 - 14 May 2013

Week 37 – 14 May 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 42 3
2 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 41 2
3 Dynamo Charlton Alex 38 2
4 Newington Reds Dudley 35 3
5 FC Testicluadew James N 35 2
6 Headless Chickens John N 35 2
7 Piedmonte Phil 31 2
8 Woking Mike 31 1
9 Northern Monkeys Hugo 27 1
10 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 25 1
11 Bala Rinas Lewis 24 0
12 Just put Carles Carles 23 1
13 Greendale Rockets Stu 22 0
14 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 21 3
15 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 21 1
16 PSV Mornington El Pons 21 0
17 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 19 0
18 Pikey Scum Jack 18 0
19 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 16 1
20 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 16 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Sturridge, D – LIV – STR
Club Newington Reds

No Sporting chance

Two girls with slime

Sporting Lesbians: It got messy (Photo courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)

CHANCES of a debut manager winning the Kenna league and cup double for the second season in a row came to an end today.

Sporting Lesbian, who have dominated this season’s league campaign since before anyone can remember, were found to have been dumped out of the Canesten Combi Cup quarter finals after a goal recount.

The Lesbians were initially thought to have progressed to the semi finals last week at the expense of Just Put Carles. It emerged that goals from JPC’s Mikel Arteta and Jordan Henderson were overlooked.

The administrative error led to fierce criticism of the Chairman who is alleged to have been dicking around in the former Gestapo headquarters in Warsaw instead of attending to league matters. He has denied everything.

The recount sees Just Put Carles, who have been resurgent in league form of late, pitted against Still Don’t Know Yet, who haven’t.

In the other semi final Spartak Mogadishu will face cup holders FC Testiculadew.

Known across the Kenna as ‘the tactical Brambler‘ for his underhand gamesmanship, the FCT manager is also looking to defend his league crown, but faces an uphill struggle as he attempts to claw back a 72-point lead from Sporting Lesbian in just six weeks.

For Spartak Mogadishu the cup holds the only chance left of picking up any prize money this season. The Pirates had challenged for third spot but – like Hairy Fadjeetas, Northern Monkeys and Newington Reds before them – their league campaign appears to have run out of steam.

At the bottom, Headless Chickens are just about keeping their, uh, necks above the waterline of the relegation zone.

Vasco De Beauvoir and Wandsworth Window Lickers are fast running out of time to mount a late charge for safety. The writing’s been on the wall a long time for Woking.

The cup semi final first leg will be held this weekend.

Another event being held this weekend is the Greenwich to Tower Bridge pub crawl. The bit of walking, 11 pubs and short boat trip is a follow up to the incredibly successful pub crawl of the number 38 London bus route in autumn. For more information contact the league.

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final recount

Sporting Lesbian 1 (3) – 3 (4) Just Put Carles
Michu                                                      Silva, Henderson, Arteta

League table

Week 31 - 9 April 2013

Week 31 – 9 April 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 39 3
2 Just put Carles Carles 34 1
3 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 32 2
4 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 31 1
5 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 27 2
6 Dynamo Charlton Alex 26 1
7 Piedmonte Phil 26 1
8 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 25 2
9 Woking Mike 23 0
10 PSV Mornington El Pons 21 1
11 FC Testicluadew James N 20 1
12 Bala Rinas Lewis 20 0
13 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 20 0
14 Newington Reds Dudley 19 0
15 Northern Monkeys Hugo 17 1
16 Pikey Scum Jack 14 0
17 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 12 1
18 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 12 0
19 Headless Chickens John N 10 0
20 Greendale Rockets Stu 9 0
Points Player
Player of the week 11 Rosicky, T – ARS – MID
Club Unsigned

Nearly tripped by a Bramble

Titus Bramble

Russia blood to the head:  A Bramble own goal wasn’t enough to knock his own team out the cup (Photo courtesy of the England 2018 bid)

TITUS BRAMBLE lived up to his Kenna reputation by scoring an own goal, but it wasn’t enough to stop his team from progressing to the semi finals of the Canesten Combi Cup.

Spartak Mogadishu took a first-leg lead home to win a close-fought battle with Northern Monkeys in the Somali capital on aggregate.

“Yarrrrr! That yellow-bellied scoundrel Bramble will be feelin’ the tip o’ me cutlass in training this week,” said the Pirates boss suggestively of his haphazard defender.

A draw in Mogadishu was a good result for Northern Monkeys, particularly given security fears that Islamic extremists Al Shabaab may target the fixture.

The Northern Monkeys manager said: “We covercame home-grown terrorists, a crumbling infrastructure, high unemployment and a lack of decent plumbing to make it this far in life only to be undone by an unlucky first leg.”

Spartak will face FC Testiculadew in the semis after, as predicted on these very pages last week, Dimitar Berbatov and Loic Remy helped poach a win from a two-goal deficit.

In the other semi, Still Don’t Know Yet trounced Vasco De Beauvoir to set up a tie with the untouchable Sporting Lesbian.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager said: “When a van load of heavvies in balaclavas kidnapped James Collins from the team hotel in August I vowed revenge on the league, and to knock the Chairman’s team out of the cup is sweet revenge.”

Asked by media to respond to this claim at a press conference, the Chairman fumed: “Why can’t you vultures just leave these allegations alone? I will only talk about football.

“There is no hard evidence linking me to the Collins affair, far-right political groups in Italy or the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.”

Still Don’t Know Yet 2 (3) – 0 (1) Vasco De Beauvoir
Kone, Gerrard

Sporting Lesbian 1 (3) – 1 (2) Just Put Carles
Michu                                               Silva

Spartak Mogadishu 2 (4) – 2 (3) Northern Monkeys
Taraabt, Benteke                               Bramble og, Cazorla

FC Testiculadew 3 (4) – 1 (4) Dynamo Charlton  – FCT win 32-23 on second-leg points
Berbatov x2, Remy                   Tevez

Semi finals

Still Don’t Know Yet v Sporting Lesbian

Spartak Mogadishu v FC Testiculadew

League table and weekly scores are available by downloading The Rub from the link on the right-hand side of this page.


Cup preview: Second eggs poised for drama

Mogadishu

Protection: Northern Monkeys will have a bodyguard for their away trip to Spartak Mogadishu (photo courtesy of Jessica Hatcher)

EIGHT managers will be eating their eggs with a little more anxiety than usual this Easter weekend as their teams head out in the final leg of the cup quarter finals.

As Sporting Lesbian run away with the league, the Canesten Combi Cup increasingly represents the only chance to get some silverware this season.

Who will progress? Who will end up with egg on their face? For each tie the Kenna makes predictions weaker than the puns in this post.

Still Don’t Know Yet (1) v Vasco De Beauvoir (1)
Venue: Not Sure Avenue

A vital, first-leg away goal for Still Don’t Know Yet will make this a tough trip for Vasco, and the relegation strugglers from De Beauvoir will hope Robin van Persie’s goal drought continues.

Progression over the Chairman’s team would be a double victory for the SDNY manager, who holds the league accountable for an untoward nocturnal incident back in the August.

Prediction: Tie boiled down to points scored on second leg.

Sporting Lesbian (2) v Just Put Carles (1)
Venue: The Gash

The league leaders are in assured form carrying two away goals into the second leg, and are the bookies’ favourites to take this all the way having scored 15 more goals than any other club this season.

JPC’s Le Fondre, Maloney, Henderson, Osman and Silva are less likely to find the net.

Prediction: Plenty of mouth-watering action with Lesbians coming on top.

Spartak Mogadishu (2) v Northern Monkeys (1)
Venue: RPG Ground

One of the toughest away trips in the calendar. Northern Monkeys will have to overcome a lead, away goals and Al Shabaab pot shots from nearby rooftops.

The good news is that Monkeys striker Edin Dzeko has good experience in this field, having grown up in 90s Sarajevo.

Prediction: Monkeys fail to scramble it in the Horn of Africa.

FC Testiculadew (1) v Dynamo Charlton (3)
Venue: Scrot Rot Street

Cup holders Testiculadew have their work cut out to overturn this tie, but Dynamo only just scraped through the last 16 and can sometimes rely a little too heavily on Carlos Tevez.

Prediction: Remy and Berbatov poach it for the tactial Brambler.


Le comptrolleur dit ‘non’ á Le Jeff

Pussy's nightclub

Bright lights: Despite the charms of Paris Kenna suits remain unconvinced by the French

FRANCE have been refused rights to a Kenna franchise after delegates deemed Paris ‘just not suitable’.

A Gallic consortium hoping to bring the world’s best format of fantasy football to the Continent were told their country wouldn’t be ready for at least a few years.

Speaking to L’Equipe after a quick crêpe on the Champs-Élysées, Kenna suits explained their decision to snub ‘Le Jeff’.

“I paid a king’s ransom to wander round some dimly-lit rooms staring at young women in the buff, but when in Paris one must visit the Louvre,” quipped the Chairman, once he’d scrubbed every trace of the stamp for Pussy’s nightclub from his wrist.

“Joking aside, these cheese eating surrender monkeys now have a good standard of football in Ligue Uhhhne, and we’ve long since forgiven their poor taste in stonewashed jeans and floppy mullets, but the truth is the conditions we’ve seen in Paris are just not suitable.

“I went to a pub where they were showing football and ordered a beer. Not only was I served the shabbiest pint since records began, but the waitress kept a straight face while charging me 11 Euros. 11 Euros! Am I supposed to be paying Zlatan’s wages?

“The slow table service and expensive lager means this city cannot, I repeat cannot, be trusted to allow 20 managers to bid for their teams at auction.”

The news comes as a big blow to the French capital after they lost out to London on their bid to host the 2012 Games.

Le Kenna: French forms of common league phrases

La Folie Anglaise – 4-4-2, the prescriptive formation of all Kenna League teams.

Hôtel de Jeff – Kenna HQ, where the organs of league business are based.

Le nuit des boissons vigoureux – auction night, the pre-season event in August where 20 managers buy their teams. Held in the pub.

Le chef du chaos – the auctioneer, who sells players at the pre-season event.

La Coupe de la Chatte Mal – the Canesten Combi Cup, knock-out tournament run during the season.

Hors de combat – injured, commonly murmured by competitors to undermine a manager’s confidence in the player he’s just bought.

Manger le Bramble – to fall foul of the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling and be awarded a bogey player.

Le Bramble stratégique – tactical Brambling, the pernicious act of deliberately trying to trigger a Titus Bramble forfeit to gain a financial advantage late in the auction.

Le Maillot Merde – the Bramble jersey, worn by the last-placed manager at auction and transfer nights.

La fenêtre de chance – transfer window, event held twice a season where players can be bought and sold.

L’Absenteé – the Still Don’t Know Yet goalkeeper Drusille Ngako, who absconded from the Cameroon Olympic women’s football team during London 2012 and hasn’t been seen since. The name can also refer to Still Don’t Know Yet defender Anton Ferdinand.

Le Corsaire d’Afrique – the Spartak Mogadishu manager.

Le Comte de Fléchettes – the Newington Reds manager, who bears a remarkable resemblance to professional darts player Ted ‘The Count’ Hankey.

Le Provocateur Malveillent – the FC Testiculadew manager, who founded the sharp practice of tactical Brambling.

Le tumulte Catalan – the bitter incident between rival Catalans the PSV Mornington and Just Put Carles managers, resulting in an ongoing grudge match.

Le Chevalier sans Charme – the former Dan Terry Seduction manager.

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final first leg results

Vasco De Beauvoir 1 – 1 Still Don’t Know Yet
Ramires                                  Gerrard

Just Put Carles 1 – 2 Sporting Lesbian
Silva                                      Figueroa, Suarez

Northern Monkeys 1 – 2 Spartak Mogadishu
Cisse                                               Benteke, Lukaku

Dynamo Charlton 3 – 1 FC Testiculadew
Tevez x3                                      Remy

League table

Week 28 - 12 March 2013

Week 28 – 12 March 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Dynamo Charlton Alex 41 3
2 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 32 4
3 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 30 2
4 Greendale Rockets Stu 27 1
5 Newington Reds Dudley 25 1
6 Northern Monkeys Hugo 24 1
7 Pikey Scum Jack 24 1
8 FC Testicluadew James N 22 1
9 Just put Carles Carles 21 1
10 PSV Mornington El Pons 20 1
11 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 19 1
12 Bala Rinas Lewis 15 0
13 Piedmonte Phil 15 0
14 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 14 2
15 Headless Chickens John N 14 1
16 Woking Mike 14 1
17 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 14 0
18 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 13 1
19 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 12 1
20 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 9 0
Points Player
Player of the week 23 Tevez, C – MCY – STR
Club Dynamo Charlton

Chairman eyes Vatican job

Popemobile

Space just outside heaven: Managers attending the August auction may need to kiss the chairman’s ring

THE KENNA League chairman has thrown his funny hat in the ring to become the next Pope.

The Catholic Church was left in the hunt for a new leader yesterday after Benedict XVI became the first pontiff in 600 years to resign.

Despite not being a cardinal or even a Catholic, the Kenna chairman, who was recognised in the Queen’s New Year’s honours list to become Sir Nimrod Rodgers-Boyce, claims he has the perfect credentials for the job.

He said: “The Vatican may have a following of 1.2bn compared to our smaller league membership [of 20], but the issues are the same. Most of my flock freely engage in intimate pre-marital relations, and if the stories are true a few of them enjoy going bareback with strangers too.”

Asked how he’d tackle the high-profile issue of child abuse in the church that dogged the last incumbent’s papacy, Rodgers-Boyce said his in-depth knowledge of the Kenna League’s draconian forfeit process – the Titus Bramble ruling – would more than prepare him for the role.

“During my eight years in charge a lot more people than just Kenna managers officially complained after forcibly having their pants pulled down by Titus Bramble.”

The Vatican are yet to comment.

Cup scores – Last 16 first leg

Five teams picked up crucial away goals, including Hairy Fadjeetas on a precarious visit to the Horn of Africa.

The second leg will take place on 26 February.

Kenna HQ has produced a gnatty wallchart to keep track of the latest cup developments. Download your free copy from The Rub on the right hand side of the page.

Vasco De Beauvoir 3 – 0 Headless Chickens
Ramires
Puncheon
McAuley

Still Don’t Know Yet 1 – 1 Piedmonte
RVP                                        Lampard

Just Put Carles 2 – 0 PSV Mornington
Maloney
Rangel

Woking 0 – 2 Sporting Lesbian
                          Michu x2

Greendale Rockets 0 – 2 Northern Monkeys
                                           Cazorla
                                            Dzeko

Spartak Mogadishu 2 – 1 Hairy Fadjeetas
Benteke                               Hazard
Lukaku

Dynamo Charlton 0 – 1 Pikey Scum
                                        Huth

Lokomotiv Leeds 0 – 0 FC Testiculadew

League table

Week 24 - 12 February 2013

Week 24 – 12 February 2013

Weekly scores

    Manager Points Goals
1 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 40 3
2 Just put Carles Carles 40 2
3 Northern Monkeys Hugo 39 2
4 Piedmonte Phil 35 1
5 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 32 2
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 31 3
7 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 31 2
8 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 29 0
9 Pikey Scum Jack 28 1
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 24 1
11 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 23 1
12 PSV Mornington El Pons 22 0
13 Dynamo Charlton Alex 21 0
14 FC Testicluadew James N 20 0
15 Greendale Rockets Stu 20 0
16 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 19 1
17 Headless Chickens John N 17 0
18 Newington Reds Dudley 14 0
19 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 11 0
20 Woking Mike 11 0
         
    Points Player  
  Player of the week 15 Michu – SWA – MID  
    Club Sporting Lesbian