Manager: Hugo (Tyneside)
Twitter name: @Hugeist
Trophy cabinet: Empty
Darts music: How You Like Me Now? – The Heavy
Outlook: Shrewd auction business from the debutant, but questions remain over Edin Dzeko’s ability to hold down a starting place and whether Papiss Cisse’s can carry over the incredible form he displayed last season. Will the outcome of an FA investigation affect appearance points in defence?
(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling
Second transfer window – 1 February 2013
|Terry, J||CHE||£14m||Bassong, S||NOR||£30m|
|McAnuff, J||AVL||£9.5m||deGuzman, J||SWA||£20m|
|Park, J||CHE||£6m||Gardner, C||SUN||£5m|
First transfer window – 26 October 2012
|Pearce, A||REA||£3m||Ridgewell, L||WBA||£14m|
|Delph, F (B)||AVL||£7.5m||McAnuff, J||REA||£9.5m|
EDIN Dzeko and Wayne Rooney both netted on the last day of the season to help FC Testiculadew win a historic double.
In his debut Kenna season, the FCT manager picked up the Cannestan Combi Cup on the final day, sweeping aside sibling rival the Headless Chickens boss.
FCT added the cup to their league title, where their dominance and the rest of the table’s complete capitulation led to an official inquiry being opened.
“It’s an itch I’ve been dying to scratch since Christmas. The feeling when you win the Kenna, it’s pretty special, like the smell of mown grass on a spring day or finding a cream that can really alleviate the symptoms,” said a jubilant FCT manager, who’ll scoop a combined prize total of £190, without counting manager of the month awards.
The Lokomotiv Leeds manager, another debutant and the only serious challenger to FCT, took second place 119 points behind.
“The £57 prize will go a long way towards rejuvenating the squad over the summer,” said the Leeds manager, who looks unlikely to be able to retain the services of Victor Moses for the £3m he paid last summer.
Kenna veteran the Newington Reds manager came third, winning £19.
Defending Kenna champion the Young Boys of Kilburn gaffer finished fourth.
FCT become the second club in history to take the double. The only other club to achieve that feat, Vasco De Beauvoir, finished the season just one place above relegation.
“In the end the league got a little predictable, but in many ways this was a fantastic season. Special mention has to the go to the Spartak Mogadishu manager. It all looked lost back in October when he picked up Turkey of the Month, but he’s finished the season just outside the top four – remarkable considering his haphazard bidding technique,” said the Chairman to the gathered masses from the balcony of Kenna HQ.
Everyone else finished mid-table.
January to May’s manager of the month awards, player of the week tallies and Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart will be published later in the week, to go with the stats from the first half of the season.
PAVEL Pogrebnyak is tipped to be the key man when the wheel spins in Sunday’s Cannestan Combi Cup showdown.
Lamplighters through the knock-out stages of the tournament, there’ll be no love lost between sibling rivals the FCT and Chickens managers.
The Chickens boss will hope goalscoring occasionals Steve Morison, Robert Huth and Theo Walcott will also hit a gold stream in what promises to be a ding-dong tie.
With Edin Dzeko less smiley over the last few months, the FCT manager will look to stalwarts Wayne Rooney, Juan Mata and incredible import from the American cousins Clint Dempsey to make it the double.
FC Testiculadew made no transfers in the second window
Manager: Mr James Norris (ENG)
Trophy cabinet: empty
Even with Rooney and Dzeko doing their best Shrek and Donkey impression up front, FC Testiculadew dominate the Kenna.
The club now enjoy an 82-point lead atop the league.
Attacking midfielder Clint Dempsey was the hip hop superstar a fortnight past.
‘Deuce’ the goal robot popped up again with another player-of-week hat-trick.
Two assists from Shaun Wright-Phillips, one from Marouane Fellaini and a John O’Shea clean sheet completed the rout.
“I’ve put off this kind of talk so far, but now I’ve got one hand on that tax-free prize money come May,” said the FCT boss, or ‘Monsieur Pickles Quarte-vingts’ as he’s known at the gaming tables of the principality.
Barely 19 days since a two-footed lambasting from these very pages, Headless Chickens have answered critics on the pitch.
Leon Best, Shane Long and Gamst Pedersen were singled out for their meagre contribution to Chickens’ trifling goal tally.
All three players scored this week.
Theo Walcott also netted, putting Chickens one rung up the golden boot league to third from bottom.
“People view me now as a competent Kenna manager and at the end of my tenure here when ever that might be I would like to think they will think of me as a great Kenna manager,” flapped the Chickens boss, sounding remarkably like a Welshman in Queen’s Park.
Helped by a returning-to-form Edin Dzeko goal, the leaders moved 40 points clear of the mêlée.