Transfer night turd ‘cost me third’

Chocolate hostage

Chocolate hostage: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager claims a rival Welshman took advantage of his singular bowel movement ritual (photo: FluffyPuppy2007)

THE Judean Peoples’ Front manager has claimed an ill-timed call of nature at the second transfer window flushed away his chances of finishing third in this season’s Kenna League.

Having occupied the number three spot for over three months as the season approached its back end, Judean Peoples’ Front were wiped down to fourth on the penultimate week of the campaign by rival Welsh manager’s side Bala Rinas.

The JPF manager, who bears an unfortunate resemblance to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, says an untimely visit to the pub gents during the transfer window in February meant he missed out on key target Samir Nasri. The Frenchman’s services would have ensured JPF a place on the podium.

As it is, while the JPF manager was in consultation with this number two, Bala Rinas signed Nasri for £2.5m and shot to third, his best ever finish.

The Breivik lookalike maintains insider knowledge of his unusually lengthy toiletting habits were used by the Bala manager, who is also the Kenna treasurer, to secure Nasri while he was dropping the kids off at the pool.

“I would have come third if I hadn’t gone for a shit. It’s as simple as that,” said the JPF manager yesterday.

“The treasurer, he’s a sneaky one. He knew I had more money than him on that transfer night and that I wanted Nasri. He knows I take a long time to park the fudge, so he waited for me to crimp one off and signed the midfielder on the cheap.”

This is the second time Samir Nasri has unwittingly found himself at the centre of this season’s Kenna League narrative.

Many managers were stunned the Frenchman was available in the first place.

The Piedmonte manager inexplicably released Nasri ahead of the second transfer window in favour of the services of Andros Townsend.

Presented with a genuine shot at the title two months ago, Piedmonte eventually hit the skids while Nasri flourished. For the second time, the Wulfrunian manager finds himself at number 2 – his ninth tilt at the title down the pan.

Had the Piedmonte manager kept the French midfielder he would now be sitting on the Kenna throne.

Instead, it is FC Testiculadew who today were confirmed as winners of the league, to be added to last week’s Canesten Combi Cup victory.

Asked today how he has masterminded two Kenna doubles in just three seasons, the FCT manager said: “It’s a giddy mix of knowledge, preparation and luck.”

In further comments that will not endear the already unpopular manager to the rest of the league, he continued: “Having said that, I’d consider ourselves unlucky this season. Had the lady smiled on us, rest assured your crushing under foot would have been far more emphatic.

“We’d have ripped your heads off and shat down each and everyone of your necks, real diarrhoea style.”

The league committee will be reviewing pub buffet arrangements ahead of the 2014 Emerson World Cup auction next month.

Kenna table – final standings

Kenna wk 37 - 20 May 2014

Kenna wk 37 – 20 May 2014

Weekly scores





Pikey Scum Jack  8   1 


Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden  7   1 


PSV Mornington El Pons  7   1 


KS West Green Stix  4   1 


Team Panda Rules OK George  4   0 


FC Testiculadew James N  2   0


Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge  2   0 


Sporting Lesbian Ben M  2   0


Judean Peoples Front Sholto  1   0 


Just put Carles Carles  1   0 


Newington Reds Dudley  1   0 


Northern Monkeys Hugo   1   0 


St. Reatham FC Mike   1   0 


Bala Rinas Lewis  0   0 


Dynamo Charlton Alex  0   0 


Headless Chickens John N  0   0


Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S  0   0


Dulwich Red Sox Luke  0   0 


Piedmonte Phil  0   0 


Spartak Mogadishu Abdi  0   0 


Still Don’t Know Yet Pete  0   0 


This is Sparta…Prague Rich  0   0 


Young Boys Denney  0  0 


Player of the week


Quinn, S – HUL – MID



Dynamo dealt Walcott injury blow

Theo Walcott on holiday

On the beach: Dynamo Charlton’s Theo Walcott looks set to miss the rest of the season and the World Cup (photo courtesy of Oliver Sparrow)

DYNAMO Charlton look set for a third season of trophyless woe after star midfielder Theo Walcott was ruled out with injury for six months.

Walcott scored in the weekend’s Canesten Combi Cup group stage before being stretchered off with an ‘anterior cruciate ligament of his left knee’, according to club quacks.

The Dynamo Charlton manager took to Twitter yesterday to vent his frustrations. He can only look forward to next month’s Kenna transfer window to freshen up the side, although his decision to sign Scott Sinclair and Peter Odemwingie in the October window has become the cause of some unrest among fans.

The lone Walcott goal wasn’t enough for Dynamo as they lost by two to in-form St Reatham FC, Gaston Ramirez and Mohamed Diame finding the net.

Seven sides qualified for the knockout stages of the Canesten Combi Cup with a game to go.

Mathematically, every team can still progress in the tournament except Pikey Scum, whose single point saves them from the total ignominy suffered by Bala Rinas 12 months ago.

Outside the club’s Caravan Park training facility, a downcast Pikey Scum manager said yesterday: “One point from four games is shameful. I think the most I can hope for is sneaking a Manager of the Month award and getting reduced entry to the World Cup. I think even that is hopeful.”

Piedmonte, who have to beat PSV Mornington by at least eight goals in the last game to go through, are likely to follow Pikey Scum out of the cup.

It’s been a tough week for the Piedmonte manager. Having topped the table before Christmas, the club slipped to fourth place in the league. Can he stem the decline?

Canesten Combi Cup – group stage standings

Cup groups - 7 January 2014

Cup groups – 7 January 2014

Cup fixtures

21-Jan-14 Team Panda Rules OK v Dulwich Red Sox
21-Jan-14 Still Don’t Know Yet v Judean Peoples Front
21-Jan-14 KS West Green v This is Sparta…Prague
21-Jan-14 Just put Carles v Dynamo Charlton
21-Jan-14 Pikey Scum v Rapids De Cullons CF
21-Jan-14 FC Testiculadew v St. Reatham FC
21-Jan-14 Spartak Mogadishu v Newington Reds
21-Jan-14 Northern Monkeys v Young Boys
21-Jan-14 Headless Chickens v Sporting Lesbian
21-Jan-14 PSV Mornington v Piedmonte
21-Jan-14 Bala Rinas v Hairy Fadjeetas

Kenna table

Kenna week 18 - 7 January 2014

Kenna week 18 – 7 January 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 58 5
2 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 55 5
3 Headless Chickens John N 55 3
4 Bala Rinas Lewis 55 2
5 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 53 3
6 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 52 4
7 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 49 1
8 St. Reatham FC Mike 47 1
9 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 45 2
10 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 41 2
11 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 41 2
12 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 35 1
13 Newington Reds Dudley 35 0
14 Pikey Scum Jack 33 1
15 Northern Monkeys Hugo 31 0
16 Dynamo Charlton Alex 30 2
17 KS West Green Stix 28 1
18 PSV Mornington El Pons 27 2
19 Just put Carles Carles 27 1
20 FC Testiculadew James N 26 0
21 Young Boys Denney 25 0
22 Team Panda Rules OK George 23 2
23 Piedmonte Phil 21 1
Points Player
Player of the week 19 Bony, W – SWA – STR
Club Lokomotiv Leeds

PSV Mornington sack manager

Pons elf

Close to the sack: The PSV Mornington manager on Saturday

PSV MORNINGTON sacked their manager last night, citing poor performances and a lack of commitment as reasons.

A week before Christmas the north London club is pinned to the bottom of the table with the lowest points tally of any team at this stage of the season since the Kenna was founded in 2005.

Question marks hang over the manager’s dedication to PSV Mornington after another dismal display on the weekend. Rather than focus on improving team discipline, he was spotted partying into the early hours at the Dolphin in Hackney.

Failure to attend the transfer window in October, for which the manager allegedly suffered psychological torture at the hands of Clint Dempsey in retribution, is also thought to be a critical factor in the Catalan’s dismissal.

A club statement issued this morning read: “We could say PSV and the manager reached a mutual agreement and we wish him all the best with his future career, but we’d be lying. He was an absolute disaster.

“Since his appointment three seasons ago he’s never finished higher than 10th in the table, and we should’ve cut him loose in December 2010 when we found the club in exactly the same situation. We wouldn’t wish his services on any club. Or his bar bill.”

The Catalan manager has struggled to make an impact from the campaign’s outset.

He was widely criticised by everyone associated with PSV after the summer auction for buying players well known to injury and indifferent form.

The comical strike partnership of Andy Carroll and Fernando Torres has come to be symbolic of his tenure’s steady demise. Charles N’Zogbia the kiss of death.

Leaving the club car park late last night with a handful of personal effects which only appeared to be a tub of arroz con leche, the manager declined to be interviewed. His relationship with the media broke down in April last year after a bitter war of words with a rival Catalan manager.

The club denied rumours the dismissal paves way for newly-unemployed André Villas-Boas to take the helm.

Until the position is filled permanently, PSV Mornington will be managed by the club’s assistant coach – a life-sized cardboard cutout of Pep Guardiola.

Worst Christmas ever

The outgoing PSV Mornington manager has beaten his own record for the least points scored by the week before Christmas. Only once in history has the last-placed Kenna manager finished outside the relegation zone.

17 December 2013: PSV Mornington – 194 points

14 December 2010: PSV Mornington – 246 points, finished 17th (last, relegated)

16 December 2009: Fat Ladies – 268 points, finished 12th (last, relegated)

13 December 2011: The Dan Terry Seduction – 284 points, finished 17th (relegated)

19 December 2007: Dynamo Temple – 304 points, finished 10th (out of 12)

18 December 2012: Vasco De Beauvoir – 307 points, finished 18th (relegated)

13 December 2006: Vazmanian Devils – 317 points, finished 9th (last, relegated)

17 December 2008: FC Gun Show – 318 points, finished 12th (last, relegated)

14 December 2005: Stockwell Stockwell – 343 points, finished 8th (last, relegated)

Kenna table

Kenna table week 15 - 17 December 2013

Kenna table week 15 – 17 December 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 48 4
2 Just put Carles Carles 40 3
3 KS West Green Stix 39 3
4 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 38 2
5 FC Testiculadew James N 37 1
6 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 35 1
7 Team Panda Rules OK George 31 0
8 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 28 2
9 Piedmonte Phil 28 0
10 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 27 1
11 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 24 1
12 Dynamo Charlton Alex 23 2
13 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 21 1
14 Bala Rinas Lewis 21 0
15 Newington Reds Dudley 19 1
16 Northern Monkeys Hugo 18 2
17 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 17 0
18 Young Boys Denney 16 0
19 Headless Chickens John N 13 1
20 PSV Mornington El Pons 13 1
21 St. Reatham FC Mike 13 1
22 Pikey Scum Jack 11 0
23 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 6 0
Points Player
Player of the week 21 Suarez, L – LIV – STR
Club This is Sparta…Prague

Piedmonte worry top as boss parties Down Under

Piedmonte manager in Australia

Mental Oriental: As Piedmonte flourish thousands of miles away the team’s manager enjoys more unorthodox pastimes

SAMIR Nasri has urged his manager not to come back from Australia in case a return ruins the club’s fantastic run of form.

The French midfielder scored twice for Piedmonte on the weekend which, added to goals from Shane Long and Steven Gerrard, helped fire the club second in the Kenna League.

The performance cuts Headless Chickens‘ lead to just 12 points, the lowest margin since they went top in mid September.

It is the Piedmonte manager’s best league position since he came second in the Kenna eight years ago, and all while the Englishman tours a former penal colony in the southern hemisphere.

Now his players have demanded their manager stays away from the club, claiming they can do a better job without him.

“The way we’re playing, we hope the boss never comes back. It’s no secret that the boss is a bit of a xenophobe, and I think certainly for me and some of the lads in the dressing room have got a renewed focus from not having to sing Jerusalem before games or being forced to drink a popular brand of weak English lager on Friday nights,” said Nasri, who’s enjoying his best run of form since joining the Kenna in 2008.

It’s not the first time the Piedmonte manager’s British bulldog mentality has been called into question. Overseeing years of steady decline at former club Thieving Magpies, his decision to pick English-only players was thought to have been vindicated just over a year ago. Lasting legacy was short-lived.

If the Piedmonte manager can tear himself away from hostilities in Adelaide for a few moments this weekend, he’ll be hoping his side can get something out of their Canesten Combi Cup group stage match with Hairy Fadjeetas.

Despite goals from Aaron Ramsey and Yoan Gouffran on the weekend, the Fadges slipped to third in the table.

Both managers are yet to win any Kenna league or cup silverware.

Kenna table

Kenna wk 13 - 26 November 2013

Kenna wk 13 – 26 November 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 St. Reatham FC Mike 51 5
2 Piedmonte Phil 50 3
3 Bala Rinas Lewis 35 2
4 Newington Reds Dudley 32 1
5 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 31 3
6 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 31 1
7 Just put Carles Carles 31 1
8 Team Panda Rules OK George 30 1
9 FC Testiculadew James N 29 0
10 Pikey Scum Jack 27 1
11 Headless Chickens John N 24 0
12 Northern Monkeys Hugo 21 0
13 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 20 2
14 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 20 1
15 Dynamo Charlton Alex 20 0
16 KS West Green Stix 18 0
17 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 18 0
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 17 0
19 Young Boys Denney 16 0
20 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 13 0
21 PSV Mornington El Pons 11 0
22 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 10 0
23 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 8 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Long, S – WBA – STR
Club Piedmonte

Rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic

Stalin bidding

Red mist: Afterwards the mood changed dramatically when he realised the player he’d just bought was out injured for the rest of the season

IT HAS never been remarked upon that any team won a top-level football league because they ‘transfer windowed well’.

In the brief hiatus between the end of the season in May and the start of the World Cup in June, whoever the winners are will be noted for their long-term strategy, the conviction instilled into the team by the manager and most of all their luck.

They may have signed a useful player in January who immediately gels with his teammates, but that will only be a footnote in the side’s chronicle of success.

The Kenna League takes pride in reflecting this particular nuance of modern football. In every Kenna season to date, the winning manager’s preparations in the summer, his approach to the auction, the core of team purchased therein and good fortune, has decided the campaign.

That’s not to say that transfer windows are obsolete, despite the Pikey Scum manager’s claim today that his Senderos/Jenkinson swap in the last window was like ‘rearranging the deckchairs the Titanic’. To remain competitive Kenna managers must ensure their peripheral players are making appearances – it’s little surprise that three of the bottom four managers didn’t attend the October window.

Transfer windows are as integral to the Kenna League manager as they are to the Premier League manager, but for the most part of the season they must both rely on the finite resources at their disposal.

Which is why other, much less exclusive fantasy football competitions have got it wrong.

If any manager wants to remind himself of the superiority of the Kenna all he needs to do is enter the ‘official’ Fantasy Premier League.

At this point it would easy to list the many faults of this contest, that everyone ends up with pretty much the same players in their team, the ridiculousness of picking a captain and vice captain each week, the folly and oversight of not giving prominence to manager darts entrance music, but the argument will be kept to one strain – transfers.

The season is one long transfer window. The manager is essentially picking his team from one squad of every player in the Premier League. No player is off limits. How does that mirror the game?

Of course, the banner advertising on each page hints at why the FPL wants ‘managers’ to keeping checking back on their selections for the upcoming week. The Kenna suffers from no such obstacle to improving manager experience, as the trifling amount of visits to these pages testify.

But satisfying sponsors at the expense of sophistication is nothing compared to FPL’s single biggest foible.

The crucial period of the FPL manager’s week is time between Friday morning and Saturday lunchtime, between squads being announced for the weekend’s fixtures and the cut off point for making changes to your team.

So why does the chairman kick himself every week five minutes into the Saturday early game on the Kenna HQ kitchen radio? Because for any self-respecting Kenna manager this 36-hour ‘transfer window’ is dedicated to planning, executing and recovering from a Friday evening’s entertainment after the working week.

Almost exactly a third of the way through the season it’s a welcome reminder of why the Kenna was founded, and why the preferred time for the next Kenna transfer window is a Friday night.

It’s also the best way to explain why the chairman is bottom of every FPL league he’s entered.

Canesten Combi Cup – group stage standings after two match weeks

Week 2 cup standings - 26 November 2013

Week 2 cup standings – 26 November 2013

Kenna table

Kenna table week 12 - 26 November 2013

Kenna table week 12 – 26 November 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Dynamo Charlton Alex 37 2
2 KS West Green Stix 37 2
3 Pikey Scum Jack 31 1
4 Young Boys Denney 30 2
5 Newington Reds Dudley 30 1
6 Team Panda Rules OK George 28 3
7 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 28 1
8 Bala Rinas Lewis 26 2
9 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 26 3
10 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 20 1
11 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 20 1
12 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 19 0
13 Northern Monkeys Hugo 19 0
14 FC Testiculadew James N 18 2
15 St. Reatham FC Mike 17 1
16 Just put Carles Carles 16 0
17 Headless Chickens John N 15 0
18 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 15 0
19 Piedmonte Phil 15 0
20 PSV Mornington El Pons 13 1
21 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 13 1
22 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 13 1
23 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 7 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Lampard, F – CHE – MID
Club Dynamo Charlton

The 1,000-year Kenna

Stalin poster

The art of leadership: Celebratory portraits of the chairman are to be printed ahead of the Kenna’s 10-year anniversary next summer

THE Kenna league chairman stands accused of totalitarianism over changes to cup regulations.

The incident started when the first round results of last week’s Canesten Combi Cup sparked angry complaints from the Young Boys of Vauxhall manager, who thought the cup ties were still decided on points scored in a competitive week.

Cup rules were amended by Kenna HQ at the beginning of last season so that goals scored rather than points would decide the result between two opposing teams.

The new arrangements made it easier for managers to follow their team’s progress over the weekend. At the time the move was widely praised in the media as a masterstroke of the chairman’s administrative acumen.

The Young Boys manager, who didn’t enter last term’s Kenna for suspicious reasons thought to be counter-revolutionary, said: “This is ridiculous. When did this rule change? What a joke changing it to goals. What’s next? Why don’t we have a cup based on assists or clean sheets or yellow cards?

“This is symptomatic of a Kenna leadership which becomes more and more authoritarian with every season. He treats the league like his own personal fiefdom, making up rules to suit his team whenever it suits and punishing managers on a whim. Why do you think he founded the manager experiences department? It’s just a pseudo secret police unit to use as a means to control the docile management in the league.”

Reacting to the defamatory and provocative comments made by the Young Boys manager, the chairman retained the munificence and wisdom that has so often been characteristic of his time in office.

He said: “The Young Boys manager is free to air his views about cup regulations and I would be very keen to hear his thoughts face to face. I’ve arranged for representatives from our manager experiences department to collect the manager from his home and bring him here for questioni….further dialogue.”

League table

Kenna table wk 11 - 12 November 2013

Kenna table week 11 – 12 November 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Piedmonte Phil 49 2
2 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 33 2
3 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 32 1
4 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 30 3
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 29 1
6 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 29 1
7 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 28 1
8 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 28 1
9 Pikey Scum Jack 26 1
10 Team Panda Rules OK George 26 0
11 Young Boys Denney 24 0
12 Headless Chickens John N 23 1
13 Just put Carles Carles 21 0
14 FC Testiculadew James N 19 0
15 KS West Green Stix 18 0
16 Newington Reds Dudley 17 1
17 St. Reatham FC Mike 17 1
18 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 15 2
19 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 15 1
20 Northern Monkeys Hugo 13 1
21 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 12 0
22 PSV Mornington El Pons 10 1
23 Dynamo Charlton Alex 8 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Suarez, L – LIV – STR
Club This is Sparta…Prague

Kenna team of the season so far

Hugo Lloris

Concussed: “Everyone stop a minute. Just tell me again what I’m doing here?” (photo courtesy of York Vision)

HUGO Lloris may still be struggling to remember his daughter’s name and feeding his cat drawing pins after Sunday’s knock to the head, but the clean sheet means he’s made it into the Kenna team of the season so far.

Unusually for a Frenchman, the FC Testiculadew goalkeeper represents one of the best value for money of the eleven over performers, scoring 45 points for his £500k auction price tag.

Yaya Toure is the most cost-effective purchase with 57 points for his £500k. Alongside Leighton Baines, the Ivorian midfielder is one of two players featuring for league leaders Headless Chickens.

Defenders Dejan Lovren (Team Panda Rules OK) and Winston Reid (Dulwich Red Sox) are the season’s surprise packages, notching up a combined 94 points for £17m.

Like Reid, St Reatham FC‘s Kyle Walker also scored 44 points but missed out on selection due to his larger £17m signing fee.

Sergio Aguero (KS West Green) is so far repaying his manager’s £39m with 73 points. The player of the week is also the league’s top scorer.

Kenna team of the season so far
Points: 551
Value: £170m

Hugo Lloris (£0.5m) – FC Testiculadew – 45

Dejan Lovren (£8.5m) – Team Panda Rules OK – 50
Leighton Baines (£17m) – Headless Chickens – 49
Jan Vertonghen (£7m) – Northern Monkeys – 45
Winston Reid (£8.5m) – Dulwich Red Sox – 44

Yaya Toure (£0.5m) – Headless Chickens – 57
Samir Nasri (£11m) – Piedmonte – 46
Eden Hazard (£34m) – Hairy Fadjeetas – 42
Oscar (£24m) – Dulwich Red Sox – 40

Sergio Aguero (£39m) – KS West Green – 73
Olivier Giroud (£20m) – Team Panda Rules OK – 60

Canesten Combi Cup group stage – round one

Cup group stage one - 5 November 2013

Cup group stage one – 5 November 2013

League table

Wk 10 - 5 November 2013

Week 10 of 37 – 5 November 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 39 3
2 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 38 1
3 Headless Chickens John N 36 2
4 KS West Green Stix 32 1
5 FC Testiculadew James N 31 1
6 Northern Monkeys Hugo 30 2
7 Piedmonte Phil 30 0
8 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 28 2
9 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 28 1
10 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 27 0
11 St. Reatham FC Mike 26 1
12 Just put Carles Carles 25 1
13 Team Panda Rules OK George 25 1
14 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 24 0
15 Young Boys Denney 24 0
16 Newington Reds Dudley 23 1
17 Dynamo Charlton Alex 21 0
18 Pikey Scum Jack 17 0
19 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 16 0
20 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 15 0
21 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 15 0
22 Bala Rinas Lewis 14 0
23 PSV Mornington El Pons 10 1
Points Player
Player of the week 16 Aguero, S – MCY – STR
Club KS West Green