THE Judean Peoples’ Front manager has claimed an ill-timed call of nature at the second transfer window flushed away his chances of finishing third in this season’s Kenna League.
Having occupied the number three spot for over three months as the season approached its back end, Judean Peoples’ Front were wiped down to fourth on the penultimate week of the campaign by rival Welsh manager’s side Bala Rinas.
The JPF manager, who bears an unfortunate resemblance to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, says an untimely visit to the pub gents during the transfer window in February meant he missed out on key target Samir Nasri. The Frenchman’s services would have ensured JPF a place on the podium.
As it is, while the JPF manager was in consultation with this number two, Bala Rinas signed Nasri for £2.5m and shot to third, his best ever finish.
The Breivik lookalike maintains insider knowledge of his unusually lengthy toiletting habits were used by the Bala manager, who is also the Kenna treasurer, to secure Nasri while he was dropping the kids off at the pool.
“I would have come third if I hadn’t gone for a shit. It’s as simple as that,” said the JPF manager yesterday.
“The treasurer, he’s a sneaky one. He knew I had more money than him on that transfer night and that I wanted Nasri. He knows I take a long time to park the fudge, so he waited for me to crimp one off and signed the midfielder on the cheap.”
This is the second time Samir Nasri has unwittingly found himself at the centre of this season’s Kenna League narrative.
Many managers were stunned the Frenchman was available in the first place.
The Piedmonte manager inexplicably released Nasri ahead of the second transfer window in favour of the services of Andros Townsend.
Presented with a genuine shot at the title two months ago, Piedmonte eventually hit the skids while Nasri flourished. For the second time, the Wulfrunian manager finds himself at number 2 – his ninth tilt at the title down the pan.
Had the Piedmonte manager kept the French midfielder he would now be sitting on the Kenna throne.
Asked today how he has masterminded two Kenna doubles in just three seasons, the FCT manager said: “It’s a giddy mix of knowledge, preparation and luck.”
In further comments that will not endear the already unpopular manager to the rest of the league, he continued: “Having said that, I’d consider ourselves unlucky this season. Had the lady smiled on us, rest assured your crushing under foot would have been far more emphatic.
“We’d have ripped your heads off and shat down each and everyone of your necks, real diarrhoea style.”
The league committee will be reviewing pub buffet arrangements ahead of the 2014 Emerson World Cup auction next month.
Kenna table – final standings
|PSV Mornington||El Pons||7||1|
|KS West Green||Stix||4||1|
|Team Panda Rules OK||George||4||0|
|FC Testiculadew||James N||2||0|
|Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||2||0|
|Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||2||0|
|Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||1||0|
|Just put Carles||Carles||1||0|
|St. Reatham FC||Mike||1||0|
|Headless Chickens||John N||0||0|
|Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||0||0|
|Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||0||0|
|Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||0||0|
|This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||0||0|
|Player of the week||
|Quinn, S – HUL – MID|
DYNAMO Charlton look set for a third season of trophyless woe after star midfielder Theo Walcott was ruled out with injury for six months.
Walcott scored in the weekend’s Canesten Combi Cup group stage before being stretchered off with an ‘anterior cruciate ligament of his left knee’, according to club quacks.
The Dynamo Charlton manager took to Twitter yesterday to vent his frustrations. He can only look forward to next month’s Kenna transfer window to freshen up the side, although his decision to sign Scott Sinclair and Peter Odemwingie in the October window has become the cause of some unrest among fans.
The lone Walcott goal wasn’t enough for Dynamo as they lost by two to in-form St Reatham FC, Gaston Ramirez and Mohamed Diame finding the net.
— Alex Bass (@alexbass75) January 6, 2014
Seven sides qualified for the knockout stages of the Canesten Combi Cup with a game to go.
Mathematically, every team can still progress in the tournament except Pikey Scum, whose single point saves them from the total ignominy suffered by Bala Rinas 12 months ago.
Outside the club’s Caravan Park training facility, a downcast Pikey Scum manager said yesterday: “One point from four games is shameful. I think the most I can hope for is sneaking a Manager of the Month award and getting reduced entry to the World Cup. I think even that is hopeful.”
It’s been a tough week for the Piedmonte manager. Having topped the table before Christmas, the club slipped to fourth place in the league. Can he stem the decline?
Canesten Combi Cup – group stage standings
|21-Jan-14||Team Panda Rules OK||v||Dulwich Red Sox|
|21-Jan-14||Still Don’t Know Yet||v||Judean Peoples Front|
|21-Jan-14||KS West Green||v||This is Sparta…Prague|
|21-Jan-14||Just put Carles||v||Dynamo Charlton|
|21-Jan-14||Pikey Scum||v||Rapids De Cullons CF|
|21-Jan-14||FC Testiculadew||v||St. Reatham FC|
|21-Jan-14||Spartak Mogadishu||v||Newington Reds|
|21-Jan-14||Northern Monkeys||v||Young Boys|
|21-Jan-14||Headless Chickens||v||Sporting Lesbian|
|21-Jan-14||Bala Rinas||v||Hairy Fadjeetas|
|1||Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||58||5|
|2||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||55||5|
|3||Headless Chickens||John N||55||3|
|5||Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||53||3|
|8||St. Reatham FC||Mike||47||1|
|9||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||45||2|
|10||Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||41||2|
|11||This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||41||2|
|12||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||35||1|
|17||KS West Green||Stix||28||1|
|18||PSV Mornington||El Pons||27||2|
|19||Just put Carles||Carles||27||1|
|20||FC Testiculadew||James N||26||0|
|22||Team Panda Rules OK||George||23||2|
|Player of the week||19||Bony, W – SWA – STR|
PSV MORNINGTON sacked their manager last night, citing poor performances and a lack of commitment as reasons.
A week before Christmas the north London club is pinned to the bottom of the table with the lowest points tally of any team at this stage of the season since the Kenna was founded in 2005.
Question marks hang over the manager’s dedication to PSV Mornington after another dismal display on the weekend. Rather than focus on improving team discipline, he was spotted partying into the early hours at the Dolphin in Hackney.
Failure to attend the transfer window in October, for which the manager allegedly suffered psychological torture at the hands of Clint Dempsey in retribution, is also thought to be a critical factor in the Catalan’s dismissal.
A club statement issued this morning read: “We could say PSV and the manager reached a mutual agreement and we wish him all the best with his future career, but we’d be lying. He was an absolute disaster.
“Since his appointment three seasons ago he’s never finished higher than 10th in the table, and we should’ve cut him loose in December 2010 when we found the club in exactly the same situation. We wouldn’t wish his services on any club. Or his bar bill.”
The Catalan manager has struggled to make an impact from the campaign’s outset.
He was widely criticised by everyone associated with PSV after the summer auction for buying players well known to injury and indifferent form.
The comical strike partnership of Andy Carroll and Fernando Torres has come to be symbolic of his tenure’s steady demise. Charles N’Zogbia the kiss of death.
Leaving the club car park late last night with a handful of personal effects which only appeared to be a tub of arroz con leche, the manager declined to be interviewed. His relationship with the media broke down in April last year after a bitter war of words with a rival Catalan manager.
The club denied rumours the dismissal paves way for newly-unemployed André Villas-Boas to take the helm.
Until the position is filled permanently, PSV Mornington will be managed by the club’s assistant coach – a life-sized cardboard cutout of Pep Guardiola.
Worst Christmas ever
The outgoing PSV Mornington manager has beaten his own record for the least points scored by the week before Christmas. Only once in history has the last-placed Kenna manager finished outside the relegation zone.
17 December 2013: PSV Mornington – 194 points
14 December 2010: PSV Mornington – 246 points, finished 17th (last, relegated)
16 December 2009: Fat Ladies – 268 points, finished 12th (last, relegated)
13 December 2011: The Dan Terry Seduction – 284 points, finished 17th (relegated)
19 December 2007: Dynamo Temple – 304 points, finished 10th (out of 12)
18 December 2012: Vasco De Beauvoir – 307 points, finished 18th (relegated)
13 December 2006: Vazmanian Devils – 317 points, finished 9th (last, relegated)
17 December 2008: FC Gun Show – 318 points, finished 12th (last, relegated)
14 December 2005: Stockwell Stockwell – 343 points, finished 8th (last, relegated)
|1||This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||48||4|
|2||Just put Carles||Carles||40||3|
|3||KS West Green||Stix||39||3|
|4||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||38||2|
|5||FC Testiculadew||James N||37||1|
|7||Team Panda Rules OK||George||31||0|
|8||Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||28||2|
|11||Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||24||1|
|13||Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||21||1|
|17||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||17||0|
|19||Headless Chickens||John N||13||1|
|20||PSV Mornington||El Pons||13||1|
|21||St. Reatham FC||Mike||13||1|
|23||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||6||0|
|Player of the week||21||Suarez, L – LIV – STR|
|Club||This is Sparta…Prague|
SAMIR Nasri has urged his manager not to come back from Australia in case a return ruins the club’s fantastic run of form.
The French midfielder scored twice for Piedmonte on the weekend which, added to goals from Shane Long and Steven Gerrard, helped fire the club second in the Kenna League.
It is the Piedmonte manager’s best league position since he came second in the Kenna eight years ago, and all while the Englishman tours a former penal colony in the southern hemisphere.
Now his players have demanded their manager stays away from the club, claiming they can do a better job without him.
“The way we’re playing, we hope the boss never comes back. It’s no secret that the boss is a bit of a xenophobe, and I think certainly for me and some of the lads in the dressing room have got a renewed focus from not having to sing Jerusalem before games or being forced to drink a popular brand of weak English lager on Friday nights,” said Nasri, who’s enjoying his best run of form since joining the Kenna in 2008.
It’s not the first time the Piedmonte manager’s British bulldog mentality has been called into question. Overseeing years of steady decline at former club Thieving Magpies, his decision to pick English-only players was thought to have been vindicated just over a year ago. Lasting legacy was short-lived.
If the Piedmonte manager can tear himself away from hostilities in Adelaide for a few moments this weekend, he’ll be hoping his side can get something out of their Canesten Combi Cup group stage match with Hairy Fadjeetas.
Despite goals from Aaron Ramsey and Yoan Gouffran on the weekend, the Fadges slipped to third in the table.
Both managers are yet to win any Kenna league or cup silverware.
|1||St. Reatham FC||Mike||51||5|
|6||Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||31||1|
|7||Just put Carles||Carles||31||1|
|8||Team Panda Rules OK||George||30||1|
|9||FC Testiculadew||James N||29||0|
|11||Headless Chickens||John N||24||0|
|13||Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||20||2|
|14||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||20||1|
|16||KS West Green||Stix||18||0|
|17||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||18||0|
|20||This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||13||0|
|21||PSV Mornington||El Pons||11||0|
|22||Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||10||0|
|23||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||8||0|
|Player of the week||17||Long, S – WBA – STR|
IT HAS never been remarked upon that any team won a top-level football league because they ‘transfer windowed well’.
In the brief hiatus between the end of the season in May and the start of the World Cup in June, whoever the winners are will be noted for their long-term strategy, the conviction instilled into the team by the manager and most of all their luck.
They may have signed a useful player in January who immediately gels with his teammates, but that will only be a footnote in the side’s chronicle of success.
The Kenna League takes pride in reflecting this particular nuance of modern football. In every Kenna season to date, the winning manager’s preparations in the summer, his approach to the auction, the core of team purchased therein and good fortune, has decided the campaign.
That’s not to say that transfer windows are obsolete, despite the Pikey Scum manager’s claim today that his Senderos/Jenkinson swap in the last window was like ‘rearranging the deckchairs the Titanic’. To remain competitive Kenna managers must ensure their peripheral players are making appearances – it’s little surprise that three of the bottom four managers didn’t attend the October window.
Transfer windows are as integral to the Kenna League manager as they are to the Premier League manager, but for the most part of the season they must both rely on the finite resources at their disposal.
Which is why other, much less exclusive fantasy football competitions have got it wrong.
If any manager wants to remind himself of the superiority of the Kenna all he needs to do is enter the ‘official’ Fantasy Premier League.
At this point it would easy to list the many faults of this contest, that everyone ends up with pretty much the same players in their team, the ridiculousness of picking a captain and vice captain each week, the folly and oversight of not giving prominence to manager darts entrance music, but the argument will be kept to one strain – transfers.
The season is one long transfer window. The manager is essentially picking his team from one squad of every player in the Premier League. No player is off limits. How does that mirror the game?
Of course, the banner advertising on each page hints at why the FPL wants ‘managers’ to keeping checking back on their selections for the upcoming week. The Kenna suffers from no such obstacle to improving manager experience, as the trifling amount of visits to these pages testify.
But satisfying sponsors at the expense of sophistication is nothing compared to FPL’s single biggest foible.
The crucial period of the FPL manager’s week is time between Friday morning and Saturday lunchtime, between squads being announced for the weekend’s fixtures and the cut off point for making changes to your team.
So why does the chairman kick himself every week five minutes into the Saturday early game on the Kenna HQ kitchen radio? Because for any self-respecting Kenna manager this 36-hour ‘transfer window’ is dedicated to planning, executing and recovering from a Friday evening’s entertainment after the working week.
Almost exactly a third of the way through the season it’s a welcome reminder of why the Kenna was founded, and why the preferred time for the next Kenna transfer window is a Friday night.
It’s also the best way to explain why the chairman is bottom of every FPL league he’s entered.
Canesten Combi Cup – group stage standings after two match weeks
|2||KS West Green||Stix||37||2|
|6||Team Panda Rules OK||George||28||3|
|9||This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||26||3|
|10||Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||20||1|
|11||Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||20||1|
|12||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||19||0|
|14||FC Testiculadew||James N||18||2|
|15||St. Reatham FC||Mike||17||1|
|16||Just put Carles||Carles||16||0|
|17||Headless Chickens||John N||15||0|
|18||Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||15||0|
|20||PSV Mornington||El Pons||13||1|
|21||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||13||1|
|22||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||13||1|
|Player of the week||15||Lampard, F – CHE – MID|
THE Kenna league chairman stands accused of totalitarianism over changes to cup regulations.
The incident started when the first round results of last week’s Canesten Combi Cup sparked angry complaints from the Young Boys of Vauxhall manager, who thought the cup ties were still decided on points scored in a competitive week.
Cup rules were amended by Kenna HQ at the beginning of last season so that goals scored rather than points would decide the result between two opposing teams.
The new arrangements made it easier for managers to follow their team’s progress over the weekend. At the time the move was widely praised in the media as a masterstroke of the chairman’s administrative acumen.
The Young Boys manager, who didn’t enter last term’s Kenna for suspicious reasons thought to be counter-revolutionary, said: “This is ridiculous. When did this rule change? What a joke changing it to goals. What’s next? Why don’t we have a cup based on assists or clean sheets or yellow cards?
“This is symptomatic of a Kenna leadership which becomes more and more authoritarian with every season. He treats the league like his own personal fiefdom, making up rules to suit his team whenever it suits and punishing managers on a whim. Why do you think he founded the manager experiences department? It’s just a pseudo secret police unit to use as a means to control the docile management in the league.”
Reacting to the defamatory and provocative comments made by the Young Boys manager, the chairman retained the munificence and wisdom that has so often been characteristic of his time in office.
He said: “The Young Boys manager is free to air his views about cup regulations and I would be very keen to hear his thoughts face to face. I’ve arranged for representatives from our manager experiences department to collect the manager from his home and bring him here for questioni….further dialogue.”
|2||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||33||2|
|3||Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||32||1|
|4||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||30||3|
|6||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||29||1|
|8||Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||28||1|
|10||Team Panda Rules OK||George||26||0|
|12||Headless Chickens||John N||23||1|
|13||Just put Carles||Carles||21||0|
|14||FC Testiculadew||James N||19||0|
|15||KS West Green||Stix||18||0|
|17||St. Reatham FC||Mike||17||1|
|18||This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||15||2|
|21||Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||12||0|
|22||PSV Mornington||El Pons||10||1|
|Player of the week||15||Suarez, L – LIV – STR|
|Club||This is Sparta…Prague|
HUGO Lloris may still be struggling to remember his daughter’s name and feeding his cat drawing pins after Sunday’s knock to the head, but the clean sheet means he’s made it into the Kenna team of the season so far.
Yaya Toure is the most cost-effective purchase with 57 points for his £500k. Alongside Leighton Baines, the Ivorian midfielder is one of two players featuring for league leaders Headless Chickens.
Like Reid, St Reatham FC‘s Kyle Walker also scored 44 points but missed out on selection due to his larger £17m signing fee.
Sergio Aguero (KS West Green) is so far repaying his manager’s £39m with 73 points. The player of the week is also the league’s top scorer.
Kenna team of the season so far
Hugo Lloris (£0.5m) – FC Testiculadew – 45
Dejan Lovren (£8.5m) – Team Panda Rules OK – 50
Leighton Baines (£17m) – Headless Chickens – 49
Jan Vertonghen (£7m) – Northern Monkeys – 45
Winston Reid (£8.5m) – Dulwich Red Sox – 44
Sergio Aguero (£39m) – KS West Green – 73
Olivier Giroud (£20m) – Team Panda Rules OK – 60
Canesten Combi Cup group stage – round one
|2||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||38||1|
|3||Headless Chickens||John N||36||2|
|4||KS West Green||Stix||32||1|
|5||FC Testiculadew||James N||31||1|
|8||Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||28||2|
|9||Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||28||1|
|11||St. Reatham FC||Mike||26||1|
|12||Just put Carles||Carles||25||1|
|13||Team Panda Rules OK||George||25||1|
|14||Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||24||0|
|19||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||16||0|
|20||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||15||0|
|21||This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||15||0|
|23||PSV Mornington||El Pons||10||1|
|Player of the week||16||Aguero, S – MCY – STR|
|Club||KS West Green|