Brambled pink

Pink Gin

Pink Gin: tastes like neat gin, only worse. Financial penalties for Brambling also loom

PINK GIN is to be deployed in the war on tactical Brambling.

Managers found to be deliberately making illegal bids at next month’s Kenna auction will have to order, buy and drink the cocktail before taking any further part in proceedings.

The rule was changed after a manager was discovered knowingly buying a second French player in order to induce a forfeit and free up funds late on in May’s Olisadebe Euro 2012 auction.

New regulations also mean that all managers convoking the Titus Bramble ruling, whether tactical, incidental or accidental, will have half the value of the player forfeit confiscated.

In a press conference arranged in the lounge bar of the King’s Arms in Waterloo, the Chairman said: “Pink Gin is the perfect drink to deter tactical Bramblers. While the addition of Angostura Bitters turns the drink the colour of a Frank Schlek urine sample, it does absolutely nothing to detract from the taste of warm, neat gin.

“We have acted decisively to stamp out the pernicious threat of tactical Brambling. It will mean tougher penalties for all Brambling, but the spirit of the Kenna is at stake.”

It must be proved beyond reasonable doubt that tactical Brambling has taken place for the rule to take effect.

Steaua Apples

The league has announced more lenient rules for managers accidentally introducing an illegal player to auction. If no other bids are made, and the manager immediately recognises their blunder, the Titus Bramble ruling will not be triggered.

“If no other managers make any bids for a player recognised to be illegal, the offending manager will not receive a forfeit, but may take no further part in the auction until they have bought and downed an Apple Sourz. That’s the kind of spirit the league has for members, and I’m sure managers can reciprocate that gesture,” said the Chairman in his munificence.

Those taking proceedings too seriously and throwing their toys out of the pram will be subject to ‘Mogadishu Rules’ – and openly mocked by the whole group.

More details about the ‘Spirit of the Kenna’ can be found on the Titus Bramble page.

Full rules and regulations will be shared with managers prior to the auction.

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Probably the worst team at Euro 2012

Special bus

All aboard the special bus: Titus Bramble XV named

STEWART Downing, Andy Carroll and Gareth Barry have all been earmarked as amongst the most average players taking part in the upcoming Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup.

The three Englishmen join 12 others from across the continent to make up the Titus Bramble XV (full line up below).

All are expected to have little or no impact on the tournament, and will be employed as forfeit players for managers breaking rules in tomorrow night’s auction, due to be broadcast live on Twitter from 7pm.

“We’re delighted to announce the Titus Bramble XV for the auction, including, for the first time ever, two honourary VIP selections from the host nations. These fifteen players will replace anyone forfeit tomorrow night,” said the Chairman, before being escorted into a waiting car by sharp-suited, severe-looking men from the Vatican.

Titus Bramble XV

Goalkeeper

Grzegorsz Sandomierski (Pol) – Will have an excellent view of proceedings from the bench.

Defenders

Behrang Safari (Swe) – A good defender relies on clean sheets and clean sheets are built upon team unity. With 22 men playing for the democratic monarchy of Sweden and one for the evil, Slavic autocracy of Emperor Zlatan, goal-shy Safari must surely be a wildcard at best.

Simon Kjaer (Den) – Recently named one of the worst signings in Serie A this season who ‘has consistently been tortured by quick attackers’, the Dane can only struggle against the speed and precision of German and Dutch forward play.

Per Mertesacker (Ger) – Surprising inclusion in a slick Teuton outfit considering his lumbering form and recent injury at club level.

Rolando (Por) – The poor man’s Ronaldo.

Midfielders

Nigel De Jong (Hol) – Nicknamed ‘The Lawnmower’ for his combative style of play, there’s more chance of De Jong being able to repair a Briggs & Stratton engine during a match than avoiding the book or finding his way onto the score sheet.

Alexandros Tziolis (Gre) – From Tziolis’ agent wikipedia: “He plays a ‘silent’ role in the game, and he tends to occupy the role of a deep-lying playmaker more than a defensive stopper. His crisp passing and physical strength are also positive aspects of his game.” The content of this summary is as doubtful as its syntax.

Keith Andrews (Ire) – Tournament highlights: booked against Croatia scything down Modric, booked against Spain upending Andres Iniesta, misses Italy game.

Stewart Downing (Eng) – No goals, no assists and spent most of the league season looking like a timid schoolboy on the ball, must be quaking at the prospect of playing in the bread basket of Soviet terror.

Strikers

Andriy Voronin (Ukr) – On average, the Steppe’s answer to Tarzan scores a goal every 10 games for his country. Even if an unlikely Ukraine get to the final, he’s left with just over half a chance of netting one.

Georgios Samaras (Gre) – Thinks he’s Ronaldinho. Is not.

Subs

Andy Carroll (Eng) – striker – played really well for the last three games of the domestic campaign, but for the rest of the season has shown less talent than a Tuesday afternoon in Gateshead Weatherspoon’s.

Gareth Barry (Eng) – midfielder – Against a similar standard of opposition, but without the likes of David Silva and Yaya Touré a short pass away, Barry is in for another tournament ride bumpier than Fred West’s patio. Will be replaced by Jordan Henderson if injured.

Honourary host nation representatives

Yulia Tymoshenko (Ukr) – Libera – The ‘Gas Princess’ may score as many goals as Bobby Sands this summer, but in international terms the PR value she brings to any outfit is welcome to Olisadebe managers who tend to lurch from one media disaster to another. At 51 still has the looks to alleviate the inevitable curse of squad boredom.

Pope Jean Paul II (Pol) – Goalkeeper – A regular between the sticks for his school and university sides, the former pontiff is the reason why there are so many top-level, Polish ‘keepers around. Spiritual contribution cannot be overlooked.

Follow the auction live on Twitter @jeffkennaleague or #eurosauction on Tuesday 29 May from 7pm (BST)


The thorn in your side

Gary Mabbutt

"What do you mean I've already bought a Tott... but... Titus who?"

The most infamous collection of names since the Nomenklatura has arrived.

Managers trying to buy an illegal player at next week’s auction will face the ignominy of fielding one of the Titus Bramble offerings below.

The players have been picked in the spirit of Bramble philosophy: they’ll play sometimes, they may even score on occaision, but most of time they’ll do less actual work than Sven Goran-Eriksson.

This season’s Bramble ruling has been tidied up to avoid a repeat of January’s ugly incident that left the Barking manager without a job.

The updated ruling – highlights

Managers will invoke the Bramble ruling if they buy, or try to buy:

  • More than one player from a particular Premiership club – the most expensive of the two will be replaced.
  • A player that causes them to exceed the £100m budget – their most expensive player, regardless of who they bought last, will be replaced.

Once they’ve undergone the Bramble ruling, the offending manager may not take part in the next round of bidding and must buy a pitcher of beer (get the next round).

Managers found to be consistently making illegal bids to drive up the value of players will invoke the Titus Bramble ruling.

Full league rules and regulations, including changes to the Bramble ruling, will be shared soon.

The Titus Bramble list – 2011/12

Under the updated ruling, Bramble players in each position will be awarded in the order they appear below.

If a manager has a player from the same club as the first available Bramble, then the next Bramble down will be awarded.

Each Bramble player will cost £0.5m.

Goalkeepers

1 John Ruddy Norwich
2 Jose Moreira Swansea City
3 Paddy Kenny QPR

Defenders

1 Titus Bramble Sunderland
2 Danny Shittu QPR
3 Zak Whitbread Norwich City
4 Angel Rangel Swansea City
5 Rafik Halliche Fulham
6 Christophe Berra Wolves
7 Stotirios Kyrgiakos Liverpool
8 Pablo Ibanez West Bromwich Albion

Midfielders

1 Shaun Wright-Phillips Manchester City
2 Josh McEachran Chelsea
3 Emmanuel Frimpong Arsenal
4 Christian Poulson Liverpool
5 Hendry Thomas Wigan Athletic
6 Darron Gibson Manchester United
7 Michael Tonge Stoke City
8 Dan Gosling Newcastle United

Strikers

1 Michael Owen Manchester United
2 Ji Dong-Won Sunderland
3 Emile Heskey Aston Villa
4 Conor Sammon Wigan Athletic
5 Magaye Gueye Everton
6 Sam Vokes Wolves
7 Roman Bednar West Bromwich Albion
8 Mamady Sidibie Stoke City

Bramble players may be subject to change before the auction night, depending on transfers.