A nice cup of hate and a sit down

Tea cup

Storm in a tea cup: Kenna suits are making spot checks on employees’ milk ratio

THE SOCIETY of Black Lawyers has waded into football matters yet again by lodging an official police complaint that tea is too milky at Kenna HQ.

Labelling the Kenna institutionally racist, the pressure group has linked the league’s alleged liberal use of dairy products to a fight in a Leicester nightclub and someone somewhere being called names.

Faced with an official police investigation, the Kenna League Chairman has been forced to defend the organisation in the media.

He said: “These accusations are baseless. I can’t stand milky tea and I won’t stand for it. The very thought that this kind of thing could be going on at the very heart of the Kenna makes me feel sick to the stomach.

“Why anyone would like milky tea – with its tepid, weak taste – is absolutely beyond me. Personally, I like to get something hot and black inside me first thing in the morning. I find nothing more exhilarating.”

Society of Black Lawyers Chairman Peter Herbert said: “The Luis Suarez and John Terry scandals over racism really highlighted just how much media coverage we could get for our cause. The problem  now is that they’ve faded from the public eye, and so have we.

“We thought the incident involving Mark Clattenburg and John Obi Mikel might have legs, but nothing’s come of it, so really we’re just trying to jump of any bandwagon that will get me back on Sky News. Did I mention I’m available for after dinner speaking?”

Kenna diversity champion the Spartak Mogadishu manager rubbished claims that pigeonholing was rife in the league.

“Yarrrrr! Pigeonhaulin’? To be sure ye mean keelhaulin’, and every man in the league get a fair chance o’ that if he be crossin’ me,” said the swashbuckling Somali outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

The Kenna Chairman added: “Equality and diversity is very important to us and everyone has a right not to be victimised regardless of race, nationality, gender or sexual orientation.”

Fault-Les

Sporting Lesbian kicked off their attempt at the double with a thumping 5-0 win over Spartak Mogadishu in Canesten Combi Cup group C.

The only other team not to score a goal was Greendale Rockets, but fortunately for them Still Don’t Know Yet‘s Anton Ferdinand was there to put the ball into his own net.

Cup scores and scorers - 20 November 2012

Cup scores and scorers – 20 November 2012

Cup groups - 20 November 2012

Cup groups – 20 November 2012

League table

Week 12 - 20 November 2012

Week 12 – 20 November 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 41 5
2 Headless Chickens John N 38 2
3 Dynamo Charlton Alex 36 3
4 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 30 1
5 Newington Reds Dudley 28 2
6 Pikey Scum Jack 27 2
7 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 25 1
8 Piedmonte Phil 24 2
9 Bala Rinas Lewis 23 1
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 23 1
11 Woking Mike 22 2
12 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 21 2
13 FC Testicluadew James N 21 0
14 Northern Monkeys Hugo 19 1
15 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 19 1
16 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 18 0
17 Just put Carles Carles 17 1
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 15 0
19 Greendale Rockets Stu 14 0
20 PSV Mornington El Pons 13 1
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Suarez, L – LIV – STR
Club Sporting Lesbian
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Northern Monkeys

Manager: Hugo (Tyneside)

Twitter name: @Hugeist

Since: Debut

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Sympathies: Newcastle

Darts music: How You Like Me Now? – The Heavy

Outlook: Shrewd auction business from the debutant, but questions remain over Edin Dzeko’s ability to hold down a starting place and whether Papiss Cisse’s can carry over the incredible form he displayed last season. Will the outcome of an FA investigation affect appearance points in defence?

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Friedel, B TOT £0.5m
Hangeland, B FUL £11m
Distin, S EVE £6m
Bassong, S NOR £30m
Ridgewell, L WBA £14m
Cleverley, T MUN £8.5m
deGuzman, J SWA £20m
Cazorla, S ARS £7.5m
Gardner, C SUN £5m
Dzeko, E MCY £1.5m
Cisse, P NEW £15m
 Total £119m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Terry, J CHE £14m Bassong, S NOR £30m
McAnuff, J AVL £9.5m deGuzman, J SWA £20m
Park, J CHE £6m Gardner, C SUN £5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Pearce, A REA £3m Ridgewell, L WBA £14m
Delph, F (B) AVL £7.5m McAnuff, J REA £9.5m

Thieving Magpies (second window)

Manager: Mr Phil Davis (ENG)

Since: 2005 (founder member)

Trohpy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Notts County

Robinson, P BLR £4m
Terry, J CHE £28m
Lescott, J MCY £10m
Agger, D LIV £10m
Olsson, J WBA £0.5m
Sidwell, S FUL £0.5m
Gibson, D EVE £1m
Pennant, J STO £0.5m
Park, Ji-Sung MUN £0.5m
Bent, D AVL £32m
Saha, L TOT £0.5m
£99m