50p blame
Posted: October 30, 2012 Filed under: Weekly updates | Tags: 50p, anders breivik, auction, cider, cock up, fantasy football, fantasy premier league, football, gareth bale, julian assange, leroy lita, mogadishu, roebuck, sergio aguero, shola ameobi, soccer, somalia, steve de ridder, steven fletcher, titus bramble, youtube Leave a comment
Watch the video: Gareth Bale auctioned off again after being lost by the Pikey Scum manager on a Bramble
THE 50P GAME has protested its innocence in one of the biggest Kenna transfer window cock ups of all time.
Towards the end of Friday’s event in the upstairs bar of The Roebuck, the Pikey Scum boss signed flash-in-the-pan-form striker Steven Fletcher for £30m, taking the total cost of his team over the allotted budget.
Under the Titus Bramble ruling the club were made to forfeit their most expensive player and prized asset Gareth Bale, who also cost £30m, to be replaced by Belgian no hoper Steve De Ridder.
50p: “He’s a spent force.”
The Scum manager was quick to find a scapegoat in the 50p game.
“If I hadn’t been made to drink a whole a pint of cider because some Herbert dropped a coin in it, I can categorically state that Gareth Bale would still be Scum,” said the Pikey boss afterwards from a park bench.
But the 50p game has struck back, claiming that the Pikey gaffer necked the cider five minutes after the Bale debacle.
“If he had half a pound of sense he’d see that it’s all his fault. He’s a spent force in the Kenna,” said the 50p game, a shadowy figure who’s never been seen in daylight but only turns up once the Judean Peoples’ Front manager is half cut.
The whole affair is widely being held as the biggest Bramble blunder since the Vasco De Beauvoir manager lost £40m Sergio Aguero at the pre-season auction in August and was left with the services of nightclub dust up’s Leroy Lita.
Gareth Bale went on to be bought by Bala Rinas for £26m. A video of the sale is the second highest result on a YouTube search of ‘Julian Assange Anders Breivik’.
Seasoned mariner
A goal from new signing Shola Ameobi was not enough to take away the bad taste left in the Spartak Mogadishu manager’s mouth after the transfer window.
“Yarrrr! Which yellow-bellied landlubber filled me bag with salt and pepper shakers? When I got back to me cabin me iPatch t’was covered with condiments! If I gets me hook on the scoundrel he’ll be keelhauled and that be certain!” threatened the briny Somali, who controversially did not wear a ‘Kick It Out’ T-shirt to the window.
Look out this Friday for the group stages draw of the Cannestan Combi Cup on Twitter @jeffkennaleague
League table
Week 9 – 30 October 2012
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 43 | 3 |
| 2 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 33 | 1 |
| 3 | Headless Chickens | John N | 29 | 1 |
| 4 | Judean Peoples’ Front | Sholto | 29 | 0 |
| 5 | Vasco De Beauvoir | Stix | 28 | 2 |
| 6 | Woking | Mike | 28 | 1 |
| 7 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 26 | 1 |
| 8 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 25 | 1 |
| 9 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 24 | 1 |
| 10 | Piedmonte | Phil | 24 | 0 |
| 11 | Wandsworth Window Lickers | Will | 22 | 0 |
| 12 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 21 | 1 |
| 13 | Just put Carles | Carles | 19 | 2 |
| 14 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 18 | 1 |
| 15 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 18 | 1 |
| 16 | Greendale Rockets | Stu | 17 | 0 |
| 17 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 17 | 0 |
| 18 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 16 | 0 |
| 19 | FC Testicluadew | James N | 15 | 1 |
| 20 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 14 | 0 |
Arfa Job: Luxury Man
Posted: September 18, 2012 Filed under: Weekly updates | Tags: bbc, chaise longue, danny mills, everton, fantasy football, fin de siecle, football, hairy fadjeetas, hatem ben arfa, leroy lita, luxury, luxury player, marouane chamakh, micah richards, newcastle, premier league, radio, soccer, tomas rosicky Leave a comment
Inactivity: Gabriel Tamas, Micah Richards (centre) and Thomas Sorensen put Woking top of the luxury league
HAIRY FADJEETAS have hit out at BBC Radio Five Live after commentators branded Hatem Ben Arfa ‘a luxury man’.
The criticism came during the first half of last night’s match at Goodison Park as Ben Arfa continued to waste possession despite his team struggling in midfield at 1-0 down.
Comments made by summariser Danny Mills outraged the Hairy Fadjeetas midfielder’s manager.
“I’d like to see Five Live bring their ‘analysis’ to the bearpit that is the Kenna and then talk about luxuries,” he fumed from his Regency chaise longue in between mouthfuls After Eight mints dipped in asses’ milk fed to him by the woman who popped Marouane Chamakh’s cherry.
Luxury league
A ‘luxury player’ is considered to be someone whose individual talent can turn a game in his team’s favour, but who contributes little actual work to the side.
Identifying luxury players in general is largely a matter of opinion, but in the Kenna there’s a hard and fast rule.
Below, Kenna teams are ordered into a hierarchy of money spent on players who so far have contributed nothing to their side’s campaign.
Woking top the list, by virtue of having the most players on nil points, including that most profligate of signings – a luxury player in goal. Cynics might say that at one place off the bottom, the club also has a luxury manager.
Leroy Lita and the luxury player’s luxury player Tomas Rosicky have fin de siècle Vasco De Beauvoir a close second.
Considering his side’s dissolute approach, the Fadges boss would do well to heed to the BBC.
Northern Monkeys, Lokomotiv Leeds and Newington Reds are all huddled over their bowl of gruel and cancelling Christmas – all their players have scored points.
- Woking (£21.5m) – Thomas Sorensen (£4m), Gabriel Tamas (£5.5m), Micah Richards (£12m)
- Vasco De Beauvoir (£21.5m) – Tomas Rosicky (£1.5m), Leroy Lita (£20m)
- Hairy Fadjeetas (£18.5m) – Steve Warnock (£2m), Marouane Chamakh (£16.5m)
- Headless Chickens (£18m) – Phil Jones (£9.5m), Michael Dawson (£6m), Phil Bardsley (£2.5m)
- Dynamo Charlton (£15m) – Luke Young (£4m), Matthew Upson (£2.5m), The Ox (£8.5m)
- PSV Mornington (£12.5m) – Paolo Gazzaniga (£4.5m), Phillipe Senderos (£5m), Wes Brown (£3m)
- Pikey Scum (£11m) – Bacary Sagna
- Bala Rinas (£10m) – Stefan Savic
- Wandsworth Window Lickers (£9.5m) – Jamie Carragher (£0.5m), Josh McEachran (£9m)
- FC Testiculadew (£5.5m) – Karim Frei
- Greendale Rockets (£3.5m) – Richard Dunne (£3.5m)
- Still Don’t Know Yet (£2.5m) – Drusille Ngako (£1m), Shane Ferguson (£1m), Gary O’Neill (£0.5m)
- Judean Peoples’ Front (£1.5m) – Alan Hutton (£0.5m), Sebastian Squillaci (£0.5m), Scott Parker (£0.5m)
- Spartak Mogadishu (£1m) – Luka Modric
- Sporting Lesbian (£0.5m) – Marko Marin
- Piedmonte (£0.5m) – Rob Green
- Just Put Carles (£0.5m) – Jordan Henderson
League table
League table – week 4
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | FC Testicluadew | James N | 46 | 2 |
| 2 | Greendale Rockets | Stu | 30 | 2 |
| 3 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 28 | 2 |
| 4 | Just put Carles | Carles | 26 | 0 |
| 5 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 25 | 0 |
| 6 | Woking | Mike | 24 | 2 |
| 7 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 24 | 0 |
| 8 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 21 | 0 |
| 9 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 20 | 1 |
| 10 | Headless Chickens | John N | 19 | 1 |
| 11 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 19 | 0 |
| 12 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 19 | 0 |
| 13 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 18 | 0 |
| 14 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 17 | 2 |
| 15 | Judean Peoples’ Front | Sholto | 17 | 0 |
| 16 | Piedmonte | Phil | 16 | 0 |
| 17 | Vasco De Beauvoir | Stix | 16 | 0 |
| 18 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 14 | 0 |
| 19 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 13 | 1 |
| 20 | Wandsworth Window Lickers | Will | 2 | 0 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 15 | Gervinho – ARS – STR | ||
| Club | Greendale Rockets |
Vasco De Beauvoir
Posted: August 28, 2012 Filed under: Managers, Stix (chairman) | Tags: ali al-habsi, auction, fabio borini, fantasy football, fantasy premier league, football, gareth mcauley, ian harte, jermaine pennant, jonas gutierrez, khumalo, leroy lita, ramires, relegation battle, rio ferdinand, soccer, sports, titus bramble, tomas rosicky, tony hibbert, world cup 2010 Leave a commentManager: Stix (Worcestershire)
Twitter name: @jeffkennaleague
Since: 2005 (co-founder and Chairman)
Last season: 16th
Trophy cabinet: Champions 2005/06, treble in 2009/2010 (league, cup, Khumalo World Cup 2010)
Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers
Darts music: Highway to the Danger Zone – Kenny Loggins
Outlook: People used to say that Brazil were the Vasco De Beauvoir of world football, but those heady, summer, treble-winning days of 2010 seem a Rory Delap throw in away looking at the club’s current shower. In what’s become known as the most epic Bramble of all time, £40m Sergio Aguero was replaced in the auction by Leroy Lita, but a month-long lay off with injury means not even the prolific Argentine could have dragged this bunch of misfits to anything but a relegation battle. Tomas ‘Little Mozart’ Rosicky, himself off until October with injury, should be preparing a requiem for the manager’s chances of being employed come May.
(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling
| Al-Habsi, A | WIG | £2.5m |
| Harte, I | REA | £10m |
| Nastasic, M | MCY | £13m |
| Ferdinand, R | MUN | £6.5m |
| McAuley, G | WBA | £0.5m |
| Gutierrez, J | NEW | £5m |
| Etherington, M | STO | £0.5m |
| Puncheon, J | SOT | £29m |
| Ramires | CHE | £12m |
| Ruiz, B | FUL | £0.5m |
| Podolski, L | ARS | £40m |
| Total | £119.5m |
Second transfer window – 1 February 2013
| Out | In | ||||
| Kolorov, A | MCY | £19m | Nastasic, M | MCY | £13m |
| Surman, A | NOR | £0.5m | Puncheon, J | SOT | £29m |
First transfer window – 26 October 2012
| Out | In | ||||
| Hibbert, T | EVE | £5m | Kolarov, A | MCY | £19m |
| Pennant, J | STO | £1m | Etherington, M | STO | £0.5m |
| Rosicky, T | ARS | £1.5m | Surman, A | NOR | £0.5m |
| Borini, F | LIV | £19m | Ruiz, B | FUL | £0.5m |
| Lita, L (B) | SWA | £20m | Podolski, L | ARS | £40m |
Missing Cameroon keeper named in forfeit squad
Posted: August 12, 2012 Filed under: News | Tags: apostolos vellios, aston villa, auction, bebe, callum mcmanaman, cameroon, drusille ngako, fabian delph, fantasy football, fantasy premier league, football, gabriel tamas, gary oneil, joe flanagan, joey barton, josh mceachran, leroy lita, london2012, marouane chamakh, olympics, shane ferguson, soccer, stefan savic, steve de ridder, sweatshop, titus bramble Leave a comment
Drusille? Drusille?: Missing Cameroon keeper makes Bramble squad
THE CAMEROON Olympic women’s footballer missing from the athlete’s village has been named in the Titus Bramble squad.
Drusille Ngako is suspected to have absconded along with six other Cameroonian athletes to stay in the UK illegally.
However, if a manager falls foul of the Titus Bramble ruling at Wednesday night’s auction, the 25-year-old goalkeeper could find herself turning out in the Kenna.
“Surely for Drusille a chance to play in the Kenna would be a more alluring prospect than making fake designer clothes in a Birmingham sweatshop for 12 hours a day. Although, in the eight years the league’s been running no one’s ever been awarded a goalkeeper under the Titus Bramble ruling, so managers will have no cause for concern at her inclusion, unless they’re a complete muppet,” said the Chairman, overlooking the accepted calibre of Kenna manager.
The hunt for the most mediocre players in the Premier League started a month ago and has claimed 16 footballers, including some names from big clubs.
“As only one player can be signed from each club, Titus Bramble players like Stefan Savic, Josh McEachran and Bebe will be a thorn in the side of managers,” chortled the Chairman, keeping his fingers crossed.
Titus Bramble squad
Goalkeeper
Drusille Ngako (free agent)
Defenders
Titus Bramble (Sunderland)
Stefan Savic (Man City)
Joe Flanagan (Liverpool)
Shane Ferguson (Toon)
Gabriel Tamas (West Brom)
Midfielders
Josh McEachran (Chelsea)
Fabian Delph (Aston Villa)
Joey Barton (QPR)
Gary O’Neil (West Ham)
Steve De Ridder (Southampton)
Strikers
Marouane Chamakh (Arsenal)
Bebe (Man U)
Apostolos Vellios (Everton)
Callum McManaman (Wigan)
Leroy Lita (Swansea)
The Jeff Kenna League 