The Case of the Missing Eight Games

Goldeneye archives

Explosive: Luis Suarez has earned a place in the archives

DEEP in the bowls of Kenna HQ lies a vast underground record of all the notable, notorious and mediocre football management achievements in the league.

Chronicled for posterity in those dark annals are such guilded histories as FC Testiculadew’s Kenna in the bag season, the time Fat Ladies ended the most dismal of campaigns more than 200 points adrift and perhaps most importantly of all the 2009/10 Judean Peoples’ Front side becoming the most average team ever to compete in the league.

Whispers in the corridors and smoking areas of Kenna HQ maintain that hidden in these depths, amongst dusty artefacts like the March 2007 third transfer window and the mysterious soundproofed door to which only the chairman has the key, is a list of the highest individual weekly scores written in virgin’s blood on a beermat preserved from the first ever auction.

Statisticians are praying this sacred parchment is found soon, as Luis Suarez is believed to have had the best ever seven days in the Kenna.

The Uruguayan’s manager at This is Sparta…Prague is so delighted with the striker’s five goals and four assists he’s had T-shirts made bearing the slogan ‘He’ll miss the first eight games though’.

The jibe is a reference to a popular remark made by Kenna managers at August’s pre-season auction dismissing the player as a poor investment, and which allowed the Sparta manager to cheerfully pick Luis up for just £0.5m.

Suarez’ exploits now see him overtaking £38m KS West Green striker Sergio Aguero as the top performing player in the league. The Still Don’t Know Yet manager can only rue his decision to make Robin van Persie the most expensive Kenna player ever. The glass Dutchman does not warrant his £46m price tag.

Unfortunately for Sparta, the unprecedented individual display of Suarez was only enough to lift them one place in the relegation zone.

At the business end of the league, two goals from Yaya Toure were not enough to stop Headless Chickens relinquishing their nine-week spell at the top of the table to Piedmonte.

Canesten Combi Cup results

Cup results - 10 December 2013

Canesten Combi Cup results – 10 December 2013

Kenna table

Kenna table week 14 - 10 December 2013

Kenna table week 14 – 10 December 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testiculadew James N 69 4
2 KS West Green Stix 63 4
3 Newington Reds Dudley 60 4
4 Piedmonte Phil 60 0
5 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 55 5
6 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 55 2
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 54 2
8 Team Panda Rules OK George 50 2
9 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 47 2
10 Bala Rinas Lewis 42 2
11 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 41 0
12 St. Reatham FC Mike 35 2
13 Pikey Scum Jack 34 0
14 Headless Chickens John N 32 2
15 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 32 2
16 Just put Carles Carles 32 0
17 Dynamo Charlton Alex 31 1
18 Northern Monkeys Hugo 31 0
19 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 31 0
20 Young Boys Denney 31 0
21 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 29 0
22 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 28 1
23 PSV Mornington El Pons 27 1
Points Player
Player of the week 38 Suarez, L – LIV – STR
Club This is Sparta…Prague
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Kenna auction to be the most competitive ever

Daft Punk Homework

Homework: Kenna managers are advised to familiarise themselves with the best 14 players from each Premier League club (photo courtesy of CarlosVaZquezCHJ)

MANAGERS preparing for next month’s Kenna auction have been warned to ‘do their homework’ as competition for players will be at an all time high.

Around 25 managers have expressed their interest in entering this season’s contest, a 25 per cent increase on last year’s record membership.

Top footballers are anticipated to attract sky high bids – while even prices for those of middleweight quality are predicted to swell – compared to previous auctions.

At the unveiling of the new player list this afternoon, exactly one calendar month and a day before the auction, the Kenna chairman said: “It used to be that quality players came to England from around the world and managers could get lucky at the auction.

“If they want to be competitive this season managers had better do their homework. As membership of the Kenna has gone up over the years we’ve seen more money spent on the most desirable players, and we expect this trend to continue. This auction will be harder, better, faster, stronger and more drunken than anything that’s come before.

“Whereas Sergio Aguero fetched a record £40m last August, we expect him to go for a lot more than that this year as managers come face to face with the task of securing the best talent.

“The maths is simple: if 25 managers attend next month’s auction it will take 275 players to fill all the teams. That means an average of nearly 14 players from each Premier League squad will go under the hammer.

“It won’t just be English players fetching a premium. Continental Europeans, South Americans, Africans and even Asians will cost a fair coin, and there’s always something about US players that makes them popular.”

1992 Mercedes 190e

Sharp exit: The chairman was last seen speeding away in a  1992 Mercedes 190e after announcing a league entry fee increase (photo courtesy of Spottedlaurel)

The ninth annual Kenna auction will take place in a London pub on 10 August, one week before the start of the Premier League season.

Each manager will start with £100m to buy their eleven players in a 4-4-2 formation.

Under rigorously-enforced league rules, no team may contain more than one player from each Premier League club.

Two opportunities to keep teams fresh will be offered during the campaign, at transfer windows in October and February.

At this morning’s press conference, the chairman refused to be drawn on rumours of a new open market transfer window system for the 2013/14 season. Confirmation is expected in the next few weeks.

The chairman did put down reports the auction was to be broadcast on Radio 5 Live.

“We thought with the turmoil and BBC evolution (or, whatever, revolution) 909 medium wave might be interested in buying the rights, but it turns out it clashes with a cricket contest we’ll all be glued to anyway. We probably should have pitched it to niche broadcasters – you know how these people in digital love something different.

“Oh yes, and did I mention the entry fee rise? No? I thought I did. Oh well, one more time: we’re putting up the entry fee to £25 per manager,” said the chairman, as he climbed into the back of the league’s executive prestige car just before it sped off.

Most expensive players at the August 2012 auction

Sergio Aguero, Vasco De Beauvoir – £40m (player lost under the Titus Bramble ruling)

Wayne Rooney, Greendale Rockets – £38m

Fernando Torres, Newington Reds – £37m

Luis Suarez, Sporting Lesbian – £36m

Robin van Persie, Still Don’t Know Yet – £35m

David Silva, Just Put Carles – £32m

Carlos Tevez, Dynamo Charlton – £30m

Juan Mata, PSV Mornington – £28m

Eden Hazard, Hairy Fadjeetas – £26m

Did you spot all the Daft Punk song titles? First to get all nine different track/album names in the comments wins a postcard from Kenna HQ. 


End-of-season performance review: the best, the worst, the mediocre

Phallic golf trophy

Sweet taste of success: The Sporting Lesbian manager is cock-a-hoop after licking the competition hard (photo courtesy of absurdness.com)

HE TRIED his hardest to mess it up at the end, but the Sporting Lesbian manager still cruised to victory.

Looking back at May’s turkey of the month award, the Sporting boss will be keen to welcome the return of the banned Luis Suarez next season, as will every other club in the league if he stays on these shores.

Vanquished champion the FC Testiculadew manager is consoled with second place. Expect him to come back strong and remorseless.

The Newington Reds and Just Put Carles managers shared April’s manager of the month award, which means just a fiver each for them.

The sacked Woking manager may have to review his transfer policy ahead of the new campaign after picking up turkey of the month awards in the immediate aftermath of both transfer windows.

The best (prize money)

Sporting Lesbian – League champions plus August’s and November’s manager of the month (£120), also May’s turkey of the month

FC Testiculadew – League runners up plus September’s manager of the month (£50)

Judean Peoples’ Front – Third place and February’s manager of the month (£20)

Spartak Mogadishu – Canesten Combi Cup winners (£20)

Lokomotiv Leeds – January’s and March’s manager of the month (£20)

PSV Mornington – October’s manager of the month (£10), also August’s turkey of the month

Pikey Scum – December’s manager of the month (£10)

Dynamo Charlton – May’s manager of the month (£10)

Newington Reds – April’s joint manager of the month (£5)

Just Put Carles – April’s joint manager of the month (£5)

The worst

Woking – Relegated and November’s, December’s and February’s turkey of the month award

Vasco De Beauvoir – Relegated and September’s and October’s turkey of the month

Wandsworth Window Lickers – Relegated and March’s turkey of the month

Bala Rinas – January’s turkey of the month

Greendale Rockets – April’s turkey of the month

The mediocre (final league position)

Piedmonte (4th), Hairy Fadjeetas (9th), Northern Monkeys (12th), Still Don’t Know Yet (14th), Headless Chickens (16th)

Manager of the month end of season 2012/13Manager of the month end of season 2012/13

Manager of the month end of season 2012/13


Lezzers lose libido late on

A playful slime treatment

Spilt milk?: Sporting Lesbian are on the verge of messing it up (photo courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)

BITING BANS and injury troubles have Kenna League leaders Sporting Lesbian limping towards the line with two weeks left of the football season.

Michu, David Santon, Kieran Gibbs and Maynor Figueroa are all on the physio’s table, a thought that has teammate Luis Suarez lurking nearby with the condiments as he sits out his 10-match ban.

The personnel crisis at Sporting Lesbian is a surprising twist in this term’s final act. In his debut campaign their manager has dominated to such an extent that league investigators claim to have found the ashes of any competition for the title in the living room woodburner of his country cottage.

The door has now been left ajar for defending champions FC Testiculadew. Not dissimilar to the Sporting manager’s debut this time, FCT’s authority over last season’s contest led to their manager being implicated in the ‘Kenna in the bag‘ scandal in April 2012.

In second place for most of the year, the FCT manager is also struggling to get the best from his team as strikers Loic Remy and Dimitar Berbatov rapidly lose interest in proceedings. Over his shoulder a host of clubs are queuing up for the spoils.

Led by Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager – whose team ironically has one of the worst returns at hitting the target – the chasing pack extends down to the Dynamo Charlton in seventh place.

Pikey Scum in fifteenth would appear most likely to escape a dreary performance with a mid-table finish. Below them two goals from ‘Release’ Bryan Ruiz and a second league notch for Gareth McAuley on the weekend have Vasco De Beauvoir exerting a modicum of pressure on those clubs just above the drop zone.

At the bottom, the Woking manager hasn’t been to work since taking a screen test at Sky Sports News three weeks ago. Surrey Police have appealed for any information related to his whereabouts, although they advise the public not to approach him.

League table

Week 35 - 7 May 2013

Week 35 – 7 May 2013

 

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Just put Carles Carles 46 1
2 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 40 0
3 Bala Rinas Lewis 35 1
4 Dynamo Charlton Alex 35 0
5 PSV Mornington El Pons 32 2
6 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 30 3
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 30 1
8 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 28 1
9 Piedmonte Phil 28 0
10 Headless Chickens John N 26 0
11 Newington Reds Dudley 22 1
12 FC Testicluadew James N 22 0
13 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 22 0
14 Woking Mike 21 1
15 Greendale Rockets Stu 21 0
16 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 21 0
17 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 20 1
18 Pikey Scum Jack 15 1
19 Northern Monkeys Hugo 13 0
20 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 11 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Agbonlahor, G – AVL – STR
Club PSV Mornington

Feeding Luis

Luis Suarez

Lone wolf: Luis Suarez has been the outstanding player for his team this season

THE ALLEYWAY behind the high street was dimly lit and perfect. No one had passed in either direction for at least 20 minutes. As time drew on the task seemed more achievable, albeit no less irksome.

It had become a desperate occupation, but there was no other choice if the team was to continue performing well. The amount of money riding on these nocturnal expeditions was so high that ethics were irrelevant. The star striker must retain his outstanding form, especially considering the indifferent performances of his teammates.

It was just after 10pm. Four hours ago the lid had almost been lifted on one of the biggest secrets in football. He’d got a result from the match and managed to palm off the press in the post-match interview, but he needed tonight to go off without a hitch to complete the run in to the end of the season. He could feel the low thud of adrenaline.

At first this little whim, as he thought it was then, seemed as harmless as wearing lucky underwear or kissing rabbit’s foot. The manager wasn’t a superstitious man, but plenty of his players were. He surveyed the dark street from the car he’d hired and wondered how it had come to this.

He’d noticed something strange about Luis Suarez a few days after becoming his manager. He’d called the striker in for a one-to-one and offered him his complete trust, as he did with all his players. Suarez had seemed shifty then, and it wasn’t until responding to a panicked, late night phone call to the striker’s home that he discovered why. Fortunately, no one asks questions when a middle-aged vagrant disappears.

Already he had sussed out the rest of the squad as a bunch of overpaid underachievers, and he needed his best player to be as happy as possible to produce his best football. Once he’d overcome the initial shock and been assured that no one else knew, he offered the striker his full support. League performance was everything.

The goals kept going in, but the demands to be sated became increasingly frequent and acquired. Homeless men didn’t do for long and by Christmas women were the preferred choice. Not just any woman, but a particular type that had he given this heinous menu more thought beforehand, he would never have guessed.

Just as humans prefer a fatted calf, Luis preferred the larger lady. The sort who wear XXXL fleeces, scrape their lank hair back in a Croydon facelift and march around with a determined expression and a box of Mayfair Menthol clutched in stubby fingers were ideal. Luckily this was the north west of England, and like the stolen credit card and fake driving licence he’d used to hire the car, this commodity was in no short supply.

And so he found himself waiting for the end of shift at the back door of Superdrug. This was the seventh different market town he’d visited in two months, but that afternoon’s outburst had shown the situation was getting out of control. Whatever the cost, he needed those goals.

A few yards away a metal door squeaked open and a figure lumbered into view. For a moment the face was illuminated until a plume of smoke rose into the night air.

He readied the chloroform.

League table

Week 33 - 23 April 2013

Week 33 – 23 April 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Dynamo Charlton Alex 54 3
2 PSV Mornington El Pons 52 0
3 Newington Reds Dudley 50 3
4 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 46 4
5 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 46 2
6 Headless Chickens John N 44 2
7 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 43 2
8 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 42 3
9 Bala Rinas Lewis 41 1
10 FC Testicluadew James N 41 1
11 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 36 1
12 Pikey Scum Jack 35 0
13 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 34 1
14 Just put Carles Carles 33 0
15 Piedmonte Phil 33 0
16 Woking Mike 33 0
17 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 32 1
18 Northern Monkeys Hugo 26 0
19 Greendale Rockets Stu 22 0
20 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 15 0

The Year of the Goatee

FCT manager at the auction

Bearded: The FCT manager’s public image suffered in 2012

DESPITE Luis Suarez and Sergio Aguero notching them up like John Terry’s bedpost, Sporting Lesbian go into the New Year with only a slender lead over the reigning champions.

FC Testiculadew shaved a point from the gap since Boxing Day morning with goals from Jonny Evans, Steven Pienaar and Dimitar Berbatov.

FCT enjoyed the added advantage of Danny Simpson missing Saturday evening’s game, while Lesbian Davide Santon had seven knocked past him and got booked.

Much maligned for the heinous crime of tactical Brambling during May’s Euros auction, the FCT boss hopes to regenerate his public profile in the New Year, as well as becoming the first manager to defend the league title.

“For some reason I’ve earned a bad reputation, but I hope that everyone can leave that unfortunate, summer misunderstanding in 2012 and see that behind the sinister facial hair I’m just a stand-up guy who can get the best from his team in all competitions,” said cad and bounder the FCT manager, while counting out 11 bullets into envelopes addressed to the Sporting Lesbian first team.

At the bottom, Bala Rinas climb out of the drop zone thanks to Gareth Bale and Daniel Agger. Wandsworth Window Lickers sink down most likely because their top scorer this week was Gabriel Obertan.

Looking into 2013, managers’ immediate focus will be on the cup ahead of this week’s fixtures, with every team in with a chance of progressing to the knockout stages.

League table

Week 18 - 31 December 2012

Week 18 – 31 December 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Pikey Scum Jack 75 6
2 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 59 6
3 PSV Mornington El Pons 59 4
4 FC Testicluadew James N 50 3
5 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 49 3
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 48 4
7 Dynamo Charlton Alex 48 2
8 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 48 2
9 Just put Carles Carles 45 1
10 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 44 4
11 Piedmonte Phil 43 4
12 Northern Monkeys Hugo 43 3
13 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 43 1
14 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 37 0
15 Newington Reds Dudley 36 0
16 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 33 1
17 Headless Chickens John N 30 1
18 Greendale Rockets Stu 25 1
19 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 22 1
20 Woking Mike 11 0
Points Player
Player of the week 23 Walcott, T – ARS – MID
Club Pikey Scum

A nice cup of hate and a sit down

Tea cup

Storm in a tea cup: Kenna suits are making spot checks on employees’ milk ratio

THE SOCIETY of Black Lawyers has waded into football matters yet again by lodging an official police complaint that tea is too milky at Kenna HQ.

Labelling the Kenna institutionally racist, the pressure group has linked the league’s alleged liberal use of dairy products to a fight in a Leicester nightclub and someone somewhere being called names.

Faced with an official police investigation, the Kenna League Chairman has been forced to defend the organisation in the media.

He said: “These accusations are baseless. I can’t stand milky tea and I won’t stand for it. The very thought that this kind of thing could be going on at the very heart of the Kenna makes me feel sick to the stomach.

“Why anyone would like milky tea – with its tepid, weak taste – is absolutely beyond me. Personally, I like to get something hot and black inside me first thing in the morning. I find nothing more exhilarating.”

Society of Black Lawyers Chairman Peter Herbert said: “The Luis Suarez and John Terry scandals over racism really highlighted just how much media coverage we could get for our cause. The problem  now is that they’ve faded from the public eye, and so have we.

“We thought the incident involving Mark Clattenburg and John Obi Mikel might have legs, but nothing’s come of it, so really we’re just trying to jump of any bandwagon that will get me back on Sky News. Did I mention I’m available for after dinner speaking?”

Kenna diversity champion the Spartak Mogadishu manager rubbished claims that pigeonholing was rife in the league.

“Yarrrrr! Pigeonhaulin’? To be sure ye mean keelhaulin’, and every man in the league get a fair chance o’ that if he be crossin’ me,” said the swashbuckling Somali outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

The Kenna Chairman added: “Equality and diversity is very important to us and everyone has a right not to be victimised regardless of race, nationality, gender or sexual orientation.”

Fault-Les

Sporting Lesbian kicked off their attempt at the double with a thumping 5-0 win over Spartak Mogadishu in Canesten Combi Cup group C.

The only other team not to score a goal was Greendale Rockets, but fortunately for them Still Don’t Know Yet‘s Anton Ferdinand was there to put the ball into his own net.

Cup scores and scorers - 20 November 2012

Cup scores and scorers – 20 November 2012

Cup groups - 20 November 2012

Cup groups – 20 November 2012

League table

Week 12 - 20 November 2012

Week 12 – 20 November 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 41 5
2 Headless Chickens John N 38 2
3 Dynamo Charlton Alex 36 3
4 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 30 1
5 Newington Reds Dudley 28 2
6 Pikey Scum Jack 27 2
7 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 25 1
8 Piedmonte Phil 24 2
9 Bala Rinas Lewis 23 1
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 23 1
11 Woking Mike 22 2
12 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 21 2
13 FC Testicluadew James N 21 0
14 Northern Monkeys Hugo 19 1
15 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 19 1
16 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 18 0
17 Just put Carles Carles 17 1
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 15 0
19 Greendale Rockets Stu 14 0
20 PSV Mornington El Pons 13 1
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Suarez, L – LIV – STR
Club Sporting Lesbian