DEEP in the bowls of Kenna HQ lies a vast underground record of all the notable, notorious and mediocre football management achievements in the league.
Chronicled for posterity in those dark annals are such guilded histories as FC Testiculadew’s Kenna in the bag season, the time Fat Ladies ended the most dismal of campaigns more than 200 points adrift and perhaps most importantly of all the 2009/10 Judean Peoples’ Front side becoming the most average team ever to compete in the league.
Whispers in the corridors and smoking areas of Kenna HQ maintain that hidden in these depths, amongst dusty artefacts like the March 2007 third transfer window and the mysterious soundproofed door to which only the chairman has the key, is a list of the highest individual weekly scores written in virgin’s blood on a beermat preserved from the first ever auction.
Statisticians are praying this sacred parchment is found soon, as Luis Suarez is believed to have had the best ever seven days in the Kenna.
The Uruguayan’s manager at This is Sparta…Prague is so delighted with the striker’s five goals and four assists he’s had T-shirts made bearing the slogan ‘He’ll miss the first eight games though’.
The jibe is a reference to a popular remark made by Kenna managers at August’s pre-season auction dismissing the player as a poor investment, and which allowed the Sparta manager to cheerfully pick Luis up for just £0.5m.
Suarez’ exploits now see him overtaking £38m KS West Green striker Sergio Aguero as the top performing player in the league. The Still Don’t Know Yet manager can only rue his decision to make Robin van Persie the most expensive Kenna player ever. The glass Dutchman does not warrant his £46m price tag.
Unfortunately for Sparta, the unprecedented individual display of Suarez was only enough to lift them one place in the relegation zone.
Canesten Combi Cup results
|1||FC Testiculadew||James N||69||4|
|2||KS West Green||Stix||63||4|
|5||This is Sparta…Prague||Rich||55||5|
|7||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||54||2|
|8||Team Panda Rules OK||George||50||2|
|9||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||47||2|
|11||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||41||0|
|12||St. Reatham FC||Mike||35||2|
|14||Headless Chickens||John N||32||2|
|15||Judean Peoples Front||Sholto||32||2|
|16||Just put Carles||Carles||32||0|
|19||Rapids De Cullons CF||Jorge||31||0|
|22||Dulwich Red Sox||Luke||28||1|
|23||PSV Mornington||El Pons||27||1|
|Player of the week||38||Suarez, L – LIV – STR|
|Club||This is Sparta…Prague|
MANAGERS preparing for next month’s Kenna auction have been warned to ‘do their homework’ as competition for players will be at an all time high.
Around 25 managers have expressed their interest in entering this season’s contest, a 25 per cent increase on last year’s record membership.
Top footballers are anticipated to attract sky high bids – while even prices for those of middleweight quality are predicted to swell – compared to previous auctions.
At the unveiling of the new player list this afternoon, exactly one calendar month and a day before the auction, the Kenna chairman said: “It used to be that quality players came to England from around the world and managers could get lucky at the auction.
“If they want to be competitive this season managers had better do their homework. As membership of the Kenna has gone up over the years we’ve seen more money spent on the most desirable players, and we expect this trend to continue. This auction will be harder, better, faster, stronger and more drunken than anything that’s come before.
“Whereas Sergio Aguero fetched a record £40m last August, we expect him to go for a lot more than that this year as managers come face to face with the task of securing the best talent.
“The maths is simple: if 25 managers attend next month’s auction it will take 275 players to fill all the teams. That means an average of nearly 14 players from each Premier League squad will go under the hammer.
“It won’t just be English players fetching a premium. Continental Europeans, South Americans, Africans and even Asians will cost a fair coin, and there’s always something about US players that makes them popular.”
The ninth annual Kenna auction will take place in a London pub on 10 August, one week before the start of the Premier League season.
Each manager will start with £100m to buy their eleven players in a 4-4-2 formation.
Under rigorously-enforced league rules, no team may contain more than one player from each Premier League club.
Two opportunities to keep teams fresh will be offered during the campaign, at transfer windows in October and February.
At this morning’s press conference, the chairman refused to be drawn on rumours of a new open market transfer window system for the 2013/14 season. Confirmation is expected in the next few weeks.
The chairman did put down reports the auction was to be broadcast on Radio 5 Live.
“We thought with the turmoil and BBC evolution (or, whatever, revolution) 909 medium wave might be interested in buying the rights, but it turns out it clashes with a cricket contest we’ll all be glued to anyway. We probably should have pitched it to niche broadcasters – you know how these people in digital love something different.
“Oh yes, and did I mention the entry fee rise? No? I thought I did. Oh well, one more time: we’re putting up the entry fee to £25 per manager,” said the chairman, as he climbed into the back of the league’s executive prestige car just before it sped off.
Most expensive players at the August 2012 auction
Wayne Rooney, Greendale Rockets – £38m
Fernando Torres, Newington Reds – £37m
Luis Suarez, Sporting Lesbian – £36m
Robin van Persie, Still Don’t Know Yet – £35m
David Silva, Just Put Carles – £32m
Carlos Tevez, Dynamo Charlton – £30m
Juan Mata, PSV Mornington – £28m
Eden Hazard, Hairy Fadjeetas – £26m
Did you spot all the Daft Punk song titles? First to get all nine different track/album names in the comments wins a postcard from Kenna HQ.
HE TRIED his hardest to mess it up at the end, but the Sporting Lesbian manager still cruised to victory.
Looking back at May’s turkey of the month award, the Sporting boss will be keen to welcome the return of the banned Luis Suarez next season, as will every other club in the league if he stays on these shores.
Vanquished champion the FC Testiculadew manager is consoled with second place. Expect him to come back strong and remorseless.
The Newington Reds and Just Put Carles managers shared April’s manager of the month award, which means just a fiver each for them.
The sacked Woking manager may have to review his transfer policy ahead of the new campaign after picking up turkey of the month awards in the immediate aftermath of both transfer windows.
The best (prize money)
Sporting Lesbian – League champions plus August’s and November’s manager of the month (£120), also May’s turkey of the month
FC Testiculadew – League runners up plus September’s manager of the month (£50)
Judean Peoples’ Front – Third place and February’s manager of the month (£20)
Spartak Mogadishu – Canesten Combi Cup winners (£20)
Lokomotiv Leeds – January’s and March’s manager of the month (£20)
PSV Mornington – October’s manager of the month (£10), also August’s turkey of the month
Pikey Scum – December’s manager of the month (£10)
Dynamo Charlton – May’s manager of the month (£10)
Newington Reds – April’s joint manager of the month (£5)
Just Put Carles – April’s joint manager of the month (£5)
Woking – Relegated and November’s, December’s and February’s turkey of the month award
Vasco De Beauvoir – Relegated and September’s and October’s turkey of the month
Wandsworth Window Lickers – Relegated and March’s turkey of the month
Bala Rinas – January’s turkey of the month
Greendale Rockets – April’s turkey of the month
The mediocre (final league position)
BITING BANS and injury troubles have Kenna League leaders Sporting Lesbian limping towards the line with two weeks left of the football season.
Michu, David Santon, Kieran Gibbs and Maynor Figueroa are all on the physio’s table, a thought that has teammate Luis Suarez lurking nearby with the condiments as he sits out his 10-match ban.
The personnel crisis at Sporting Lesbian is a surprising twist in this term’s final act. In his debut campaign their manager has dominated to such an extent that league investigators claim to have found the ashes of any competition for the title in the living room woodburner of his country cottage.
The door has now been left ajar for defending champions FC Testiculadew. Not dissimilar to the Sporting manager’s debut this time, FCT’s authority over last season’s contest led to their manager being implicated in the ‘Kenna in the bag‘ scandal in April 2012.
In second place for most of the year, the FCT manager is also struggling to get the best from his team as strikers Loic Remy and Dimitar Berbatov rapidly lose interest in proceedings. Over his shoulder a host of clubs are queuing up for the spoils.
Led by Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager – whose team ironically has one of the worst returns at hitting the target – the chasing pack extends down to the Dynamo Charlton in seventh place.
Pikey Scum in fifteenth would appear most likely to escape a dreary performance with a mid-table finish. Below them two goals from ‘Release’ Bryan Ruiz and a second league notch for Gareth McAuley on the weekend have Vasco De Beauvoir exerting a modicum of pressure on those clubs just above the drop zone.
At the bottom, the Woking manager hasn’t been to work since taking a screen test at Sky Sports News three weeks ago. Surrey Police have appealed for any information related to his whereabouts, although they advise the public not to approach him.
|1||Just put Carles||Carles||46||1|
|2||Judean Peoples’ Front||Sholto||40||0|
|5||PSV Mornington||El Pons||32||2|
|6||Vasco De Beauvoir||Stix||30||3|
|7||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||30||1|
|8||Wandsworth Window Lickers||Will||28||1|
|10||Headless Chickens||John N||26||0|
|12||FC Testicluadew||James N||22||0|
|17||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||20||1|
|20||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||11||0|
|Player of the week||12||Agbonlahor, G – AVL – STR|
THE ALLEYWAY behind the high street was dimly lit and perfect. No one had passed in either direction for at least 20 minutes. As time drew on the task seemed more achievable, albeit no less irksome.
It had become a desperate occupation, but there was no other choice if the team was to continue performing well. The amount of money riding on these nocturnal expeditions was so high that ethics were irrelevant. The star striker must retain his outstanding form, especially considering the indifferent performances of his teammates.
It was just after 10pm. Four hours ago the lid had almost been lifted on one of the biggest secrets in football. He’d got a result from the match and managed to palm off the press in the post-match interview, but he needed tonight to go off without a hitch to complete the run in to the end of the season. He could feel the low thud of adrenaline.
At first this little whim, as he thought it was then, seemed as harmless as wearing lucky underwear or kissing rabbit’s foot. The manager wasn’t a superstitious man, but plenty of his players were. He surveyed the dark street from the car he’d hired and wondered how it had come to this.
He’d noticed something strange about Luis Suarez a few days after becoming his manager. He’d called the striker in for a one-to-one and offered him his complete trust, as he did with all his players. Suarez had seemed shifty then, and it wasn’t until responding to a panicked, late night phone call to the striker’s home that he discovered why. Fortunately, no one asks questions when a middle-aged vagrant disappears.
Already he had sussed out the rest of the squad as a bunch of overpaid underachievers, and he needed his best player to be as happy as possible to produce his best football. Once he’d overcome the initial shock and been assured that no one else knew, he offered the striker his full support. League performance was everything.
The goals kept going in, but the demands to be sated became increasingly frequent and acquired. Homeless men didn’t do for long and by Christmas women were the preferred choice. Not just any woman, but a particular type that had he given this heinous menu more thought beforehand, he would never have guessed.
Just as humans prefer a fatted calf, Luis preferred the larger lady. The sort who wear XXXL fleeces, scrape their lank hair back in a Croydon facelift and march around with a determined expression and a box of Mayfair Menthol clutched in stubby fingers were ideal. Luckily this was the north west of England, and like the stolen credit card and fake driving licence he’d used to hire the car, this commodity was in no short supply.
And so he found himself waiting for the end of shift at the back door of Superdrug. This was the seventh different market town he’d visited in two months, but that afternoon’s outburst had shown the situation was getting out of control. Whatever the cost, he needed those goals.
A few yards away a metal door squeaked open and a figure lumbered into view. For a moment the face was illuminated until a plume of smoke rose into the night air.
He readied the chloroform.
|2||PSV Mornington||El Pons||52||0|
|4||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||46||4|
|5||Wandsworth Window Lickers||Will||46||2|
|6||Headless Chickens||John N||44||2|
|7||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||43||2|
|10||FC Testicluadew||James N||41||1|
|11||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||36||1|
|14||Just put Carles||Carles||33||0|
|17||Judean Peoples’ Front||Sholto||32||1|
|20||Vasco De Beauvoir||Stix||15||0|
DESPITE Luis Suarez and Sergio Aguero notching them up like John Terry’s bedpost, Sporting Lesbian go into the New Year with only a slender lead over the reigning champions.
FC Testiculadew shaved a point from the gap since Boxing Day morning with goals from Jonny Evans, Steven Pienaar and Dimitar Berbatov.
FCT enjoyed the added advantage of Danny Simpson missing Saturday evening’s game, while Lesbian Davide Santon had seven knocked past him and got booked.
Much maligned for the heinous crime of tactical Brambling during May’s Euros auction, the FCT boss hopes to regenerate his public profile in the New Year, as well as becoming the first manager to defend the league title.
“For some reason I’ve earned a bad reputation, but I hope that everyone can leave that unfortunate, summer misunderstanding in 2012 and see that behind the sinister facial hair I’m just a stand-up guy who can get the best from his team in all competitions,” said cad and bounder the FCT manager, while counting out 11 bullets into envelopes addressed to the Sporting Lesbian first team.
Looking into 2013, managers’ immediate focus will be on the cup ahead of this week’s fixtures, with every team in with a chance of progressing to the knockout stages.
|2||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||59||6|
|3||PSV Mornington||El Pons||59||4|
|4||FC Testicluadew||James N||50||3|
|5||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||49||3|
|8||Vasco De Beauvoir||Stix||48||2|
|9||Just put Carles||Carles||45||1|
|10||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||44||4|
|14||Judean Peoples’ Front||Sholto||37||0|
|17||Headless Chickens||John N||30||1|
|19||Wandsworth Window Lickers||Will||22||1|
|Player of the week||23||Walcott, T – ARS – MID|
THE SOCIETY of Black Lawyers has waded into football matters yet again by lodging an official police complaint that tea is too milky at Kenna HQ.
Labelling the Kenna institutionally racist, the pressure group has linked the league’s alleged liberal use of dairy products to a fight in a Leicester nightclub and someone somewhere being called names.
Faced with an official police investigation, the Kenna League Chairman has been forced to defend the organisation in the media.
He said: “These accusations are baseless. I can’t stand milky tea and I won’t stand for it. The very thought that this kind of thing could be going on at the very heart of the Kenna makes me feel sick to the stomach.
“Why anyone would like milky tea – with its tepid, weak taste – is absolutely beyond me. Personally, I like to get something hot and black inside me first thing in the morning. I find nothing more exhilarating.”
Society of Black Lawyers Chairman Peter Herbert said: “The Luis Suarez and John Terry scandals over racism really highlighted just how much media coverage we could get for our cause. The problem now is that they’ve faded from the public eye, and so have we.
“We thought the incident involving Mark Clattenburg and John Obi Mikel might have legs, but nothing’s come of it, so really we’re just trying to jump of any bandwagon that will get me back on Sky News. Did I mention I’m available for after dinner speaking?”
Kenna diversity champion the Spartak Mogadishu manager rubbished claims that pigeonholing was rife in the league.
“Yarrrrr! Pigeonhaulin’? To be sure ye mean keelhaulin’, and every man in the league get a fair chance o’ that if he be crossin’ me,” said the swashbuckling Somali outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.
The Kenna Chairman added: “Equality and diversity is very important to us and everyone has a right not to be victimised regardless of race, nationality, gender or sexual orientation.”
Sporting Lesbian kicked off their attempt at the double with a thumping 5-0 win over Spartak Mogadishu in Canesten Combi Cup group C.
|1||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||41||5|
|2||Headless Chickens||John N||38||2|
|4||Judean Peoples’ Front||Sholto||30||1|
|7||Wandsworth Window Lickers||Will||25||1|
|12||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||21||2|
|13||FC Testicluadew||James N||21||0|
|15||Vasco De Beauvoir||Stix||19||1|
|16||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||18||0|
|17||Just put Carles||Carles||17||1|
|20||PSV Mornington||El Pons||13||1|
|Player of the week||15||Suarez, L – LIV – STR|