Kenna-in-the-bag inquiry launched

CLINT Dempsey, Wayne Rooney and Wojciech Szczesny are all set to be called as star witnesses in an official Kenna investigation.

The FC Testiculadew players will give evidence after it emerged that their manager has had the Kenna championship padlocked in a bag in his bathroom since January.

The FCT manager will also be called to answer allegations of using ‘dark arts’ to steer his team to league victory in his debut Kenna season.

“I’ve absolutely nothing to fear from these allegations. I think it’s just handbags from the league administration. They’re trying to get me the sack because I’ve been so successful,” said the FCT boss, who’s yet to explain the £20,000 of women’s clothes found in his flat and his decision to buy Shaun Wright-Phillips for £8m.

Kenna HQ are due to call Bosnian striker Edin Dzeko, even though his form has done the biggest disappearing act since the Sky News IT department deleted the canoe man’s emails.

“We will be conducting a full, fair and fearless inquiry into this highly controversial issue. This is no open-and-shut case,” said the Chairman.


Gaping: the gap between FCT and the pack is over 100 points


Mata of fact


Edin Dzeko's winter home

Even without Rafa van der Vaart, Lokomotiv Leeds are giving FC Testiculadew a challenge; Little Pea, Dean Sturridge and the unlikely Victor Moses providing the lion’s share of the team’s points this week.

It’s fortunate that the Yorkshire club are just Juan Mata’s contribution this week behind, as the pack are ambling along 50 points off the leader.

The Chairman said: “Betting without Lokomotiv, only a small miracle can stop Mata and his FCT chums from completely running off with the league.

“Well, either a small miracle or playing Rooney deep in midfield and leaving Dzeko on the bench for a few games, although the latter doesn’t seem to be helping.”

Weekly scores - 29 November 2011

Weekly scores - 29 November 2011

FC Testiculadew (first window)

Manager: Mr James Norris (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Everton

Szczesny, W ARS £2m
Kaboul, Y TOT £5.5m
O’Shea, J SUN £5.5m
Shorey, N WBA £0.5m
Clark, C AVL £0.5m
Mata, J CHE £31m
Dempsey, C FUL £5.5m
Fellaini, M EVE £4.5m
W-Phillips, S QPR £8m
Rooney, W MUN £28m
Dzeko, E MCY £5.5m

So Long Gyan for Silver

Kenna table week 5

Kenna table - week 5

The Dynamo Charlton manager has been left stunned by Assamoah Gyan’s decision to leave the bright lights of the Kenna for the obscurity of the Etisalat Pro-league in the UAE, despite telling Jeff All News otherwise.

The Dynamo boss blamed so-called ‘parasites’ who emerged after Gyan’s excellent performance at a friendly against England in March.

“He’s been unsettled now, if we are being brutally honest, for weeks and months,” the Dynamo manager said.

“Since that game at Wembley, all the parasites, as I call them, hover around.

“Real Madrid was the first one, which I laughed at five months ago, but it started with that and it’s ended up with the United Arab Emirates.”

FC Testiculadew extended their lead at the top to 35 points with a hat trick from Wayne Rooney.

It looks increasingly difficult to stop the charge of the club, especially as they dominate the table without Bosnian goal machine Edin Dzeko.

“Bankers are morally inferior to looters,” said the FCT manager to nonplussed hacks outside the VD Stadium, when asked about his decision to leave Dzeko on the bench.

Elsehwere, Lokomotiv Leeds‘ Daniel Sturridge emerged as striker elect in west London.

Linking up with El Chicharito, Lokomotiv’s front men rustled up three goals this week to score the most points.

This is bads new for the Hairy Fadjeetas manager, as Fernando Torres spent the weekend looking on from the sidelines and looks ever more marginalised.