Kenna club guide – London
Posted: September 22, 2012 Filed under: Weekly updates | Tags: arsenal, chelsea, football, fulham, london, premier league, premiership, qpr, soccer, spurs, west ham Leave a commentImmediately identify Kenna players in London clubs: Arsenal, Chelsea, Fulham, QPR, Spurs and West Ham
Arsenal
Szczesny, W | GK | Wandsworth Window Lickers | £19m |
Gibbs, K | DEF | Sporting Lesbian | £15m |
Sagna, B | DEF | Pikey Scum | £11m |
Koscielny, L | DEF | Spartak Mogadishu | £17m |
Vermaelen, T | DEF | Newington Reds | £17m |
Squillaci, S | DEF | Judean Peoples’ Front | £0.5m |
Santos, A | DEF | Woking | £2.5m |
Rosicky, T | MID | Vasco De Beauvoir | £1.5m |
Walcott, T | MID | Headless Chickens | £17m |
Chamberlain, A | MID | Dynamo Charlton | £8.5m |
Arteta, M | MID | Just put Carles | £16m |
Cazorla, S | MID | Northern Monkeys | £7.5m |
Giroud, O | STR | Lokomotiv Leeds | £6m |
Gervinho | STR | Greendale Rockets | £0.5m |
Chamakh, M | STR | Hairy Fadjeetas | £16.5m |
Podolski, L | STR | FC Testicluadew | £11m |
Chelsea
Cech, P | GK | Headless Chickens | £19m |
Ivanovic, B | DEF | Lokomotiv Leeds | £10m |
Cahill, G | DEF | Pikey Scum | £7.5m |
Cole, A | DEF | Judean Peoples’ Front | £17m |
Terry, J | DEF | Northern Monkeys | £14m |
Luiz, D | DEF | FC Testicluadew | £3m |
Mata, J | MID | PSV Mornington | £28m |
Marin, M | MID | Sporting Lesbian | £0.5m |
Ramires | MID | Vasco De Beauvoir | £12m |
Meireles, R | MID | Greendale Rockets | £6m |
Oscar | MID | Dynamo Charlton | £5.5m |
Hazard, E | MID | Hairy Fadjeetas | £26m |
McEachran, J | MID | Wandsworth Window Lickers | £9m |
Moses, V | MID | Bala Rinas | £12m |
Lampard, F | MID | Piedmonte | £16m |
Torres, F | STR | Newington Reds | £37m |
Sturridge, D | STR | Just put Carles | £20m |
Fulham
Schwarzer, M | GK | Just put Carles | £0.5m |
Riise, J | DEF | Lokomotiv Leeds | £10m |
Senderos, P | DEF | PSV Mornington | £5m |
Riether, S | DEF | Spartak Mogadishu | £0.5m |
Hughes, A | DEF | Hairy Fadjeetas | £4m |
Hangeland, B | DEF | Northern Monkeys | £11m |
Frei, K | MID | FC Testicluadew | £5.5m |
Rodallega, H | STR | Judean Peoples’ Front | £0.5m |
QPR
Green, R | GK | Piedmonte | £0.5m |
Fabio | DEF | Lokomotiv Leeds | £0.5m |
Ferdinand, A | DEF | Still Don’t Know Yet | £4m |
Fabio | DEF | PSV Mornington | £5m |
Nelsen, R | DEF | Newington Reds | £0.5m |
Young, L | DEF | Dynamo Charlton | £4m |
Taarabt, A | MID | Spartak Mogadishu | £1m |
W-Phillips, S | MID | Greendale Rockets | £6m |
Park, J | MID | Northern Monkeys | £6m |
Cisse, D | STR | Bala Rinas | £12m |
Zamora, B | STR | Wandsworth Window Lickers | £2m |
Spurs
Friedel, B | GK | Northern Monkeys | £0.5m |
Kaboul, Y | DEF | Bala Rinas | £6.5m |
Dawson, M | DEF | Headless Chickens | £6m |
Walker, K | DEF | Just put Carles | £12m |
Assou-Ekotto, B | DEF | Wandsworth Window Lickers | £7m |
Vertonghen, J | DEF | FC Testicluadew | £13m |
Sigurdsson, G | MID | Lokomotiv Leeds | £20m |
Bale, G | MID | Pikey Scum | £30m |
Modric, L | MID | Spartak Mogadishu | £1m |
Lennon, A | MID | Greendale Rockets | £8.5m |
Parker, S | MID | Judean Peoples’ Front | £0.5m |
van der Vaart, R | MID | Piedmonte | £17m |
Dempsey, C | MID | Headless Chickens | £21m |
Dembele, M | STR | Newington Reds | £2.5m |
Defoe, J | STR | Hairy Fadjeetas | £13m |
West Ham
Jaaskelainen, J | GK | Bala Rinas | £0.5m |
Collins, J | DEF | Just put Carles | £0.5m |
Tomkins, J | DEF | Piedmonte | £3m |
O’Neil, G | MID | Still Don’t Know Yet | £0.5m |
Noble, M | MID | PSV Mornington | £8m |
Nolan, K | MID | Spartak Mogadishu | £5m |
Cole, C | STR | Headless Chickens | £1.5m |
Carroll, A | STR | Headless Chickens | £1m |
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League admits Fabio ‘balls up’
Posted: August 25, 2012 Filed under: Exclusive! | Tags: aleksander kolorov, arsenal, balls up, charts and graphs, chris smalling, cock up, fabio, football, gary caldwell, liberty stadium, lokomotiv, man city, manchester united, per mertesacker, psv, soccer, sports, spurs, steven caulker Leave a commentA MASSIVE COCK up has forced Kenna HQ to accept responsibility over defender Fabio playing for two teams at the same time last weekend.
The Brazilian lost both Lokomotiv Leeds and PSV Mornington three points each, as five goals went past him at the Liberty Stadium.
A controversial procedure for resolving the matter will now ensue. On the back of last week’s James Collins fiasco, Kenna HQ’s ability to run a well-governed league has been called into question.
“What can I say? There’s been a balls up,” shrugged the Chairman, scrolling through his phone contacts for the Charts and Graphs department.
Under precedent, Fabio would remain at PSV as the club paid a higher fee (£5m, compared to Lokomotiv’s £0.5m).
Lokomotiv would be awarded the next available defender going down the player list. The next four of which are mostly of respectable quality: Chris Smalling, Per Mertesacker, Steven Caulker and Aleksander Kolorov.
Spurs 3 – 1 Bolton
Posted: March 28, 2012 Filed under: Kennawatch | Tags: adam bogdan, bolton, fabrice muamba, gareth bale, jermaine defoe, louis saha, luka modric, rafael van der, ryan nelsen, scott parker, spurs, tottenham, white hart lane Leave a commentQUIBBLES about value for money at top-flight English football matches were set aside for 10 days in north London.
For as little as £34 a ticket, the spectator was treated not just to a competitive 40 minutes of football abruptly ended by an ‘I was there’ life-time pub story, but a further match last night of great goalkeeping in the face of wave after wave of Spurs attack.
The first half belonged to ‘magic Magyar’ Adam Bogdan, whose acrobatic feats between the sticks were enough to keep out a dominant, yet leggy, Tottenham onslaught.
Bolton had little of the ball, but remained compact enough. It’s not just the journalist band wagon, without Lennon on the right and Bale hugging the left, Spurs looked out of sorts.
The second half began in much the same fashion. Modric and Bale dominated possession in midfield, but clear chances for Adebayor and van der Vaart were swatted away by the impressive, ginger Hungarian.
It was only after Jermaine Defoe replaced the jaded Scott Parker that pressure turned into goals.
An excellent van der Vaart free kick that hit the crossbar aside, Tottenham’s set pieces were distinctly underwhelming. Ironically, it was from a corner that the Lillywhites went ahead in the 74th minute. Kiwi veteran Ryan Nelsen nodded in his first for his new club.
Having not registered a victory in all competitions since a replay win against Stevenage, the atmosphere at White Hart Lane palpably relaxed when Bale found himself clear to notch the second.
The Spurs faithful were rolling out the Wembley chants when Kevin Davies netted a surprise comeback goal for Bolton in 90th minute.
Their nerves were calmed when Louis Saha bent one around Bogdan in the last minute of stoppage time. By his substitution choices and overall game plan, Owen Coyle gave the impression he’d rather concentrate on staying the Premier League anyway.
Of course, we all clapped before the match to recognise the efforts of the medical staff who attended Fabrice Muamba. Thankfully, the game didn’t turn into a reverential procession it could have done.
Harry Redknapp does need to pull his team’s finger out. They played a lot better when his dog was up at Southwark Crown for tax evasion…
Polonia Forsyth (second window)
Posted: February 9, 2012 Filed under: Clare, Managers | Tags: aberdeen, ben watson, fabricio coloccini, junior hoilett, mario balotelli, martin petrov, michael vorm, mikael arteta, njemana vidic, phil neville, richard dunne, rory delap, spurs Leave a commentManager: Miss Claire Forsyth (SCO)
Since: 2008
Trophy cabinet: empty
Sympathies: Aberdeen, Spurs
Vorm, M | SWA | £0.5m |
Vidic, N | MUN | £27m |
Coloccini, F | NEW | £5m |
Dunne, R | AVL | £5m |
Neville, P | EVE | £0.5m |
Watson, B | WIG | £0.5m |
Arteta, M | ARS | £12m |
Petrov, M | BOL | £6m |
Delap, R | STO | £10m |
Balotelli, M | MCY | £25m |
Hoilett, D | BLR | £0.5m |
£93.5m |
Pikey Scum (second window)
Posted: February 8, 2012 Filed under: Jack (charts and graphs), Managers | Tags: chris eagles, djibril cisse, emmanuel adebayor, glenn johnson, jonas gutierrez, micah richards, patrice evra, raul meireles, royston drenthe, sebasitan bassong, spurs, thomas sorensen Leave a commentManager: Mr Jack Bowley
Since: 2005 (founder member)
Trophy cabinet: Cup at some point
Sympathies: Spurs
Sorensen, T | STO | £0.5m |
Evra, P | MUN | £18.5m |
Johnson, G | LIV | £0.5m |
Richards, M | MCY | £8.5m |
Bassong, S | WLV | £0.5m |
Drenthe, R | EVE | £1m |
Gutierrez, J | NEW | £2.5m |
Eagles, C | BOL | £1.5m |
Meireles, R | CHE | £0.5m |
Adebayor, E | TOT | £43m |
Cisse, D | QPR | £13m |
£90m |
Young Boys of Kilburn (second window)
Posted: February 8, 2012 Filed under: Denney, Managers | Tags: alex oxlade-chamberlain, ashley cole, gentleden, jordi gomez, nigel reo-coker, nikica jelavic, rio ferdinand, shay given, spurs, taye taiwo, vincent kompany, yohan cabaye Leave a commentManager: Mr Andrew Denney (WAL)
Since: 2006
Trophy cabinet: league 2011
Sympathies: Spurs
Given, S | AVL | £8m |
Kompany, V | MCY | £27m |
Ferdinand, R | MUN | £0.5m |
Cole, A | CHE | £28.5m |
Taiwo, T | QPR | £0.5m |
Gomez, J | WIG | £1m |
Reo-Coker, N | BOL | £0.5m |
Cabaye, Y | NEW | £0.5m |
Chamberlain, A | ARS | £15m |
Jelavic, N | EVE | £0.5m |
Walters, J | STO | £15m |
£97m |