A nice cup of hate and a sit down

Tea cup

Storm in a tea cup: Kenna suits are making spot checks on employees’ milk ratio

THE SOCIETY of Black Lawyers has waded into football matters yet again by lodging an official police complaint that tea is too milky at Kenna HQ.

Labelling the Kenna institutionally racist, the pressure group has linked the league’s alleged liberal use of dairy products to a fight in a Leicester nightclub and someone somewhere being called names.

Faced with an official police investigation, the Kenna League Chairman has been forced to defend the organisation in the media.

He said: “These accusations are baseless. I can’t stand milky tea and I won’t stand for it. The very thought that this kind of thing could be going on at the very heart of the Kenna makes me feel sick to the stomach.

“Why anyone would like milky tea – with its tepid, weak taste – is absolutely beyond me. Personally, I like to get something hot and black inside me first thing in the morning. I find nothing more exhilarating.”

Society of Black Lawyers Chairman Peter Herbert said: “The Luis Suarez and John Terry scandals over racism really highlighted just how much media coverage we could get for our cause. The problem  now is that they’ve faded from the public eye, and so have we.

“We thought the incident involving Mark Clattenburg and John Obi Mikel might have legs, but nothing’s come of it, so really we’re just trying to jump of any bandwagon that will get me back on Sky News. Did I mention I’m available for after dinner speaking?”

Kenna diversity champion the Spartak Mogadishu manager rubbished claims that pigeonholing was rife in the league.

“Yarrrrr! Pigeonhaulin’? To be sure ye mean keelhaulin’, and every man in the league get a fair chance o’ that if he be crossin’ me,” said the swashbuckling Somali outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

The Kenna Chairman added: “Equality and diversity is very important to us and everyone has a right not to be victimised regardless of race, nationality, gender or sexual orientation.”

Fault-Les

Sporting Lesbian kicked off their attempt at the double with a thumping 5-0 win over Spartak Mogadishu in Canesten Combi Cup group C.

The only other team not to score a goal was Greendale Rockets, but fortunately for them Still Don’t Know Yet‘s Anton Ferdinand was there to put the ball into his own net.

Cup scores and scorers - 20 November 2012

Cup scores and scorers – 20 November 2012

Cup groups - 20 November 2012

Cup groups – 20 November 2012

League table

Week 12 - 20 November 2012

Week 12 – 20 November 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 41 5
2 Headless Chickens John N 38 2
3 Dynamo Charlton Alex 36 3
4 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 30 1
5 Newington Reds Dudley 28 2
6 Pikey Scum Jack 27 2
7 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 25 1
8 Piedmonte Phil 24 2
9 Bala Rinas Lewis 23 1
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 23 1
11 Woking Mike 22 2
12 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 21 2
13 FC Testicluadew James N 21 0
14 Northern Monkeys Hugo 19 1
15 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 19 1
16 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 18 0
17 Just put Carles Carles 17 1
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 15 0
19 Greendale Rockets Stu 14 0
20 PSV Mornington El Pons 13 1
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Suarez, L – LIV – STR
Club Sporting Lesbian
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Scenes we’d like to see

Newington Reds manager with fax

Out of ideas: Despite the club’s Head of Ideas working tirelessly at the photocopier, the Reds gaffer was at a loss

IN-FORM forward Moussa Dembele shrugging his shoulders in utter confusion and pulling a face after getting the boot from Newington Reds.

A life-sized cardboard cut out of Luka Modric holding a rocket propelled grenade launcher being dumped in the skip behind the club shop at Spartak Mogadishu’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager giving Mario Balotelli his marching orders before giving his full backing to errant Cameroonian Olympic womens’ reserve team goalkeeper Drusille Ngako.

A clip of Yohan Cabeye on a French television light entertainment show putting an effigy of the Woking manager made entirely of garlic bread into a guillotine.

Lukas Podolski winding down his car window as he leaves the FC Testiculadew training ground for the last time and tells journalists: “I cannot Adam unt Eve it. My loaf it goz in Angela Merkels.”

These are some of the images we’d like to bring you from this week’s transfer deadline day, but instead the best on offer is this picture of the Newington Reds manager struggling to get the club’s creaking infrastructure into action.

“I’ve tried sending the request through four times on the office fax, and a further three times on an internet-based free fax service but it just won’t work,” said the Reds boss late on Tuesday night, pinpointing exactly why it wasn’t working.

The legal team at Kenna HQ were beginning to research how many fax-based emails from one manager would constitute harassment when in waded the Chairman.

“It’s obvious the Newington Reds manager has done his best to complete transfer business well before the deadline and he’s provided evidence of his attempts to do so by fax, so we’ll award him the £10m transfer-fund bonus,” he said.

Upon discovering the girl in the background of the photo was the club’s Head of Ideas, the Chairman was not so magnanimous.

“I’ll give you an idea, love: get a new, bloody fax machine!” he said.

Tonight’s transfer window

This evening managers will go head to head at auction to fill the gaps in their teams. Bonuses for submitting transfers on time earlier this week by fax machine mean the small number of available players tonight will go for vastly inflated fees.

Managers can pick Premier League footballers from two separate lists, but may not buy back anyone they’ve released:

  • The Unsigned – Not recruited by any club in August’s pre-season auction, these players are still available.
  • The Journeymen – Deemed surplus to requirements, these players find themselves back on the market.

New signings will begin scoring points for their new clubs next weekend.

Remaining budgets and gaps to fill

Team Gaps Budget
Vasco De Beauvoir Five £73.5m
Woking Seven £60m
Bala Rinas Five £52.5m
FC Testiculadew Four £51m
Pikey Scum Four £51.5m
PSV Mornington Seven £45m
Headless Chickens Four £44m
Northern Monkeys Two £40m
Dynamo Charlton Three £38m
Still Don’t Know Yet Two £36m
Hairy Fadjeetas Two £36.5m
Greendale Rockets Four £31m
Spartak Mogadishu Three £28.5m
Newington Reds Four £26m
Sporting Lesbian Three £26.5m
Wandsworth Window Lickers Two £25.5m
Piedmonte Four £25.5m
Lokomotiv Leeds Four £16m
Judean Peoples’ Front Four £19m

PHONEJACK-ERR

The pikey scum

Tour de Fraud: Evra may be an accomplice

The Pikey Scum manager’s transfer window preparations were left in tatters last night after he was arrested.

Police collared the Scum boss on the grounds that the stolen iPhone incident he was apparently the victim of on Tuesday was allegedly an elaborate insurance fraud.

Details have emerged that the chief suspect in the case was known to the Scum manager beforehand and was actually his defender Patrice Evra.

“I’m telling you, the guy was a honky!” pleaded the Scum gaffer as stoney-faced policemen placed him in handcuffs at the club’s home stadium Trailer Park.

Evra was brought in for questioning, but he just shrugged a lot while chainsmoking Gauloises. Both men were bailed in the early hours.

Police initially followed up leads that a third man was involved and arrested the Spartak Mogadishu manager.

He was later released due to lack of evidence.

“This be gettin’ ridiculous,” said the Spartak manager this morning outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility. “If ye tryin’ to throw me in the brig, ye should try doin’ it for summint I actually done, like those French tourists I got locked in me….um….shivver me timbers, be that the time? I must be away to get shipshape for ye transfer porthole.”


Edin for glory

Click here to view the table

Kenna League - week 3

A record weekly total of nine goals saw FC Testiculadew lead the Kenna by 30 points.

Edin Dzeko (4), Wayne Rooney (3), Jose Bosingwa and Clint Dempsey (one each) were so destructive for FCT they even put 8 (eight) past their own goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny.

With the international break upon us, the FCT boss also scooped August’s Manager of the Month award.

“Obviously there’s a lot of pressure coming to manage in a world-renouned league like the Kenna, but like a game of pocket billiards, everything’s in hand,” said the FCT manager, while grimacing and demonstrating his similie in a post-match interview.

There’s no beginner’s luck at the bottom of the table, where Dynamo Charlton have yet to find the net.

“Goals are overrated,” said the Dynamo manager.

Current champions Young Boys have also failed to notch.

In other news, it’s transfer deadline day. A time when managers hope that players aren’t lured away. Here’s a quick round up:

Spartak Mogadishu – Fabregas is already scoring in other leagues. There were 22 missed calls from Kia Joorabchian on the Spartak manager’s phone this morning.

Vasco De Beauvoir – the manager’s been sleeping by the office fax machine for the last three weeks waiting for news of Wesley Sneijder.

FC Testiculadew – Maicon’s not looking likely either, but the FCT manager isn’t sleeping by his fax machine.

Pikey Scum – Brett Emerton has racked off, Bouncer, and will play the rest of the season Down Under.

The Dan Terry Seduction – was not enough to keep Sotirios Kyrgiakos from going to the Bundesliga.


Silva lining

Table week 2

Kenna League - week 2

The quick and crafty exploits of David Silva have Just Put Carles top of the table.

Two goals and some busy assists from the Spanish playmaker have helped JPC to 63 points, but four goals in total from the team may be a mirage hiding problems to come.

“Me cago en la hostia!” said the JPC manager, leaving church. “Cech, Zamora, Gerrard y Coleman are all injured, and Anderson scores so infrequently that his one gol means he won’t get another for months.”

JPC’s Chamakh cuts a lonely figure up front, especially now that Spartak Mogadishu’s midfield has a Cesc Fabregas-sized gap.

“Yarrrrrrr! That latino lilly-livered rogue be only good enough for keel haulin’,” said the Spartak manager, while locking Carlos Tevez in the brig at the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

Meanwhile, the Newington Reds manager was quoted as saying he was “upbeat” about Samir Nasri’s future.

However, with Ferdinand injured, Kolo Toure still serving a six-month drugs ban, the team second from bottom and Demba Ba up front, many are saying that optimism is all he’s got.

One club already breaking out the champagne is PSV Mornington, off the bottom of the table for the first time since 21 September last year. “We drink cava, not champagne,” said the PSV manager.

To view more data and individual player scores, download the spreadsheet on the right of the page under ‘Details’.


Spartak Mogadishu

Manager: Mr Abdi Ali (SOM)

Since: 2010

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Arsenal

Al Habsi, A WIG £6m
Hangeland, B FUL £14m
Distin, S EVE £8.5m
Smalling, C MUN £2.5m
Nelsen, R BLR £4m
Fabregas, C FCB £10m
Henderson, J LIV £6.5m
Jarvis, M WLV £10m
Bale, G TOT £23m
Tevez, C MCY £2m
Bothroyd, J QPR £7m
    £93.5