Podium race bursts into life for final match

Beach volleyball

Difficult to focus on the game: Many Kenna managers have had one eye on the beach for some time (photo courtesy of k1studio)

DIMITAR Berbatov and Loïc Rémy responded to accusations from these very pages last week that they had one eye on the beach to both notch for FC Testiculadew.

The two goals, alongside a Steven Pienaar assist and John Ruddy clean sheet, put defending champions FCT to within 56 points of Sporting Lesbian.

The 19th goal of the campaign from Lesbian’s £2.5m midfielder Michu puts one hand on the title for the debut manager.

The chasing pack with one week to go:

Judean Peoples’ Front
Another all-action display from the defence – Joe Hart, Ashley Cole and Jose Enrique have scored over 400 points between them – and a brace from Emmanuel Adebayor put the club just 15 points off second place. An excellent season from the Anders Breivik doppleganger manager whose previous league best was ninth.

Piedmonte
Frank Lampard isn’t the Kenna star performer he once was, but two goals on the weekend, and assists from Ricky Lambert and Adam Johnson have their manager just 30 points away from equaling his best league finish – runners up in the 2006/07 season

Dynamo Charlton
Goals from Oscar and Robert Snodgrass found the net. Nathan Dyer and Carlos Tevez helped others to do the same. Even Danny Graham’s drought and Per Mertesacker can’t stop the Olisadebe Euro 2012 winning manager from an outside chance of second place.

Just Put Carles
The Catalan manager dropped down the table, but all eyes will be on this weekend’s Canesten Combi Cup final against Spartak Mogadishu. Goals from Silva, Henderson, Maloney & co could prompt a cup win and podium finish come Sunday.

Lokomotiv Leeds
It would take a Herculean effort for Lokomotiv to make up the 39 point gap to third place. The manager doesn’t look like achieving the runner up spot debut of last season.

Meanwhile at the other end, the relegation dogfight looks to have fizzled out. Even with the Lukas Podolski double scored in tonight’s match (not included in this update), Vasco De Beauvoir are closer to digging themselves further into oblivion than the other way. The end of an eight year tenure in the Kenna?

Wandsworth Window Lickers are trying to guide themselves into the end of a awful season. Their manager has whisked himself off to Colombia for a jolly, under the guise of having a nose for new talent – a move being sniffed at by his critics.

Surrey Police have found an abandoned car in Runtley Wood, thought to belong to the missing Woking manager. The manhunt continues.

League table

Week 37 - 14 May 2013

Week 37 – 14 May 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 42 3
2 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 41 2
3 Dynamo Charlton Alex 38 2
4 Newington Reds Dudley 35 3
5 FC Testicluadew James N 35 2
6 Headless Chickens John N 35 2
7 Piedmonte Phil 31 2
8 Woking Mike 31 1
9 Northern Monkeys Hugo 27 1
10 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 25 1
11 Bala Rinas Lewis 24 0
12 Just put Carles Carles 23 1
13 Greendale Rockets Stu 22 0
14 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 21 3
15 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 21 1
16 PSV Mornington El Pons 21 0
17 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 19 0
18 Pikey Scum Jack 18 0
19 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 16 1
20 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 16 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Sturridge, D – LIV – STR
Club Newington Reds
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FC Testiculadew

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: Champions

Trophy cabinet: League and cup double (last season)

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: Big Balls – ACDC

Outlook: Ever the pantomime villain after his indiscretions ahead of the Olisadebe Euro 2012, a ripple of boos accompanied the FCT manager’s late arrival to last week’s auction. Unperturbed he went on to assemble a capable side, but how long will fans’ patience last if he fails to defend the title without a big-money signing?

No Brambles

Ruddy, J NOR £1.5m
Debuchy, M NEW £0.5m
Davies, B SWA £0.5m
Luiz, D CHE £3m
Evans, J MUN £7.5m
Akpan, H REA £0.5m
Toure, Y MCY £21m
Pienaar, S EVE £12m
Wilshere, J ARS £0.5m
Remy, L QPR £35m
Berbatov, D FUL £37m
 Total £119m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Simpson, D NEW £6.5m Debuchy, M NEW £0.5m
Vertonghen, J TOT £13m Davies, B SWA £0.5m
Bannan, B AVL £0.5m Akpan, H REA £0.5m
Crouch, P STO £2m Remy, L QPR £35m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Vidic, N MUN £13m Evans, J MUN £7m
Sinclair, S SWA £11m Bannan, B AVL £0.5m
Frei, K FUL £5.5m Wilshere, J ARS £0.5m
Podolski, L ARS £11m Berbatov, D FUL £37m

Bala Rinas (second window)

Manager: Mr Seimon Lewis

Since: 2006

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Wrexham

Freidel, B TOT £4m
Luiz, D CHE £21m
Carragher, J LIV £9m
Rangel, A (B) SWA £1.5m
Koscielny, L ARS £0.5m
Sessegnon, S SUN £2m
Milner, J MCY £7m
Valencia, A MUN £0.5m
Pienaar, S EVE £12m
The Yak BLR £16m
Agbonlahor, G AVL £10m
£86m

Bala Rinas (first window)

Manager: Mr Seimon Lewis

Since: 2006

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Wrexham

Freidel, B TOT £0.5m
Luiz, D CHE £21m
Carragher, J LIV £9m
Rangel, A (B) SWA £1.5m
Koscielny, L ARS £0.5m
Sessegnon, S SUN £2m
Milner, J MCY £7m
Valencia, A MUN £0.5m
Pienaar, S EVE £12m
The Yak BLR £10m
Agbonlahor, G AVL £10m
£86m