Kenna-in-the-bag inquiry launched

CLINT Dempsey, Wayne Rooney and Wojciech Szczesny are all set to be called as star witnesses in an official Kenna investigation.

The FC Testiculadew players will give evidence after it emerged that their manager has had the Kenna championship padlocked in a bag in his bathroom since January.

The FCT manager will also be called to answer allegations of using ‘dark arts’ to steer his team to league victory in his debut Kenna season.

“I’ve absolutely nothing to fear from these allegations. I think it’s just handbags from the league administration. They’re trying to get me the sack because I’ve been so successful,” said the FCT boss, who’s yet to explain the £20,000 of women’s clothes found in his flat and his decision to buy Shaun Wright-Phillips for £8m.

Kenna HQ are due to call Bosnian striker Edin Dzeko, even though his form has done the biggest disappearing act since the Sky News IT department deleted the canoe man’s emails.

“We will be conducting a full, fair and fearless inquiry into this highly controversial issue. This is no open-and-shut case,” said the Chairman.

Hippo

Gaping: the gap between FCT and the pack is over 100 points

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FC Testiculadew (first window)

Manager: Mr James Norris (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Everton

Szczesny, W ARS £2m
Kaboul, Y TOT £5.5m
O’Shea, J SUN £5.5m
Shorey, N WBA £0.5m
Clark, C AVL £0.5m
Mata, J CHE £31m
Dempsey, C FUL £5.5m
Fellaini, M EVE £4.5m
W-Phillips, S QPR £8m
Rooney, W MUN £28m
Dzeko, E MCY £5.5m
£96.5m