A COLLECTIVE sigh of relief was heard on Friday in the vicinity of the relegation zone as Harry Redknapp took a new job.
The Bala Rinas, Woking and Vasco De Beauvoir managers were finding the maverick cockney’s ever-increasing punditry appearances uncomfortable viewing as he hinted at his future with every piece of analysis.
After seeing highlights of another awful performance from the last-placed club, Match of the Day’s Gary Lineker came straight out with it a week last Saturday, asking Redknapp if he fancied the job.
“As a recognised specialist of taking the reins of a struggling club just before the January transfer window and turning their fortunes around with a few chance signings that will financially drive them into the ground a couple of years after I’ve left, it would be inappropriate of me to comment on whether I’d take the job,” said Redknapp as a text from the Bala Rinas board with details of possible bonus payments for avoiding relegation silently buzzed in his jacket pocket.
“I happened to be in the De Beauvoir area this week, just driving around,” continued a deadpan Redknapp. “A TV reporter stopped me outside the ground and I did a quick interview through the car window like.
“He asked me if I’d seen the team’s latest defeat on the Roger Mellie, but I had to confess I hadn’t. I don’t get much chance to watch football because the daughter-in-law’s always round on the Nintendo Wii.
“Anyway, I’d rather watch her playing Just Dance 4 than this bunch of muppets.”
Canesten Combi Cup – latest scores
Ten matches have already been played in this week’s Cup group stage bumper fixture list. With another 10 to go only Headless Chickens have a clear advantage, although how their manager must rue selling Theo Walcott in the transfer window.
|2||Judean Peoples’ Front||Sholto||37||0|
|4||Headless Chickens||John N||33||1|
|6||FC Testicluadew||James N||31||1|
|8||Sporting Lesbian||Ben M||26||1|
|12||Just put Carles||Carles||21||0|
|13||Still Don’t Know Yet||Pete||21||0|
|15||Wandsworth Window Lickers||Will||19||0|
|16||PSV Mornington||El Pons||16||0|
|18||Lokomotiv Leeds||Ben S||14||0|
|19||Vasco De Beauvoir||Stix||14||0|
|Player of the week||17||Gomez, J – WIG – MID|
Manager: John N (Yorkshire)
Last season: 11th
Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – last season)
Darts music: The Chicken Dance
Outlook: Beyond Cech, Kompany and Walcott, the Chickens boss doesn’t look like having the tools to better last season. Marquee signing Clint Dempsey is ‘unsettled’ and looking to swap his role as a big fish in a little pond for minnow in the sea of Liverpool midfielders. Caroll and Cole up front are fully expected to warrant their price tag.
|Brown, W (B)||SUN||£5m|
Second transfer window – 1 February 2013
|Santos, A||ARS||£0.5m||Brown, W (B)||SUN||£5m|
|Bardsley, P||SUN||£2.5m||O’Brien, J||WHM||£2.5m|
|Carroll, A||WHM||£1m||Hernandez, J||MUN||£15m|
|Petric, M||FUL||£12m||Crouch, P||STO||£6.5m|
First transfer window – 26 October 2012
|Jones, P||MUN||£9.5m||Heitinga, J||EVE||£0.5m|
|Dawson, M||QPR||£6m||Santos, A||ARS||£0.5m|
|Walcott, T||ARS||£17m||Sterling, R||LIV||£22m|
|Cole, C||WHM||£1.5m||Petric, M||FUL||£12m|
PAVEL Pogrebnyak is tipped to be the key man when the wheel spins in Sunday’s Cannestan Combi Cup showdown.
Lamplighters through the knock-out stages of the tournament, there’ll be no love lost between sibling rivals the FCT and Chickens managers.
The Chickens boss will hope goalscoring occasionals Steve Morison, Robert Huth and Theo Walcott will also hit a gold stream in what promises to be a ding-dong tie.
With Edin Dzeko less smiley over the last few months, the FCT manager will look to stalwarts Wayne Rooney, Juan Mata and incredible import from the American cousins Clint Dempsey to make it the double.
PAVEL Pogrebnyak continued his emergence as one of the surprise packages of the season after adding a perfect hat-trick to his goal tally.
The Chickens manager is now enjoying a similar fortunes to his sibling’s team FC Testiculadew.
Clint Dempsey chalked up two more goals, Rooney one and Szczesny made a penalty save, as FCT extended their lead at the top to 131 points.
The FCT and Chickens managers are fast becoming known as ‘The Mitchell Brothers of the Kenna’.
“If we catch any other managers giving it the Barry after a few in the Queen Vic, they’ll find themselves tied up in the Arches with a shooter in their Chevy and claret on their whistle,” said the Chickens and FCT gaffers in a joint statement.
Mario Balotelli has been urged to get married after being docked two weeks’ wages for visiting a strip joint two days before a match.
The manager of crisis-club Polonia Forsyth made the plea to improve the striker’s form on the pitch.
“Marry me, Mario,” she said before the Italian revealed he was wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with the words ‘Why always me?‘
Download a full breakdown of the scores from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of this page.
Manager: Mr John Norris (ENG)
Trophy cabinet: empty
Barely 19 days since a two-footed lambasting from these very pages, Headless Chickens have answered critics on the pitch.
Leon Best, Shane Long and Gamst Pedersen were singled out for their meagre contribution to Chickens’ trifling goal tally.
All three players scored this week.
Theo Walcott also netted, putting Chickens one rung up the golden boot league to third from bottom.
“People view me now as a competent Kenna manager and at the end of my tenure here when ever that might be I would like to think they will think of me as a great Kenna manager,” flapped the Chickens boss, sounding remarkably like a Welshman in Queen’s Park.
Helped by a returning-to-form Edin Dzeko goal, the leaders moved 40 points clear of the mêlée.