The Friday Poll: Who’ll be the big money signing?

The Friday Pole

The Friday Pole

As managers choose their likely targets for the impending auction, who will be the players on everyone’s minds?

Last season Didier Drogba went for a Kenna record-breaking £47m. Seven other household names went for over £30m with varying results.

So who will attract the biggest price tag this time around?

The chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department have selected a likely bunch to choose from below.

If you think it’ll be someone other than this, take the option to add them in.

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The thorn in your side

Gary Mabbutt

"What do you mean I've already bought a Tott... but... Titus who?"

The most infamous collection of names since the Nomenklatura has arrived.

Managers trying to buy an illegal player at next week’s auction will face the ignominy of fielding one of the Titus Bramble offerings below.

The players have been picked in the spirit of Bramble philosophy: they’ll play sometimes, they may even score on occaision, but most of time they’ll do less actual work than Sven Goran-Eriksson.

This season’s Bramble ruling has been tidied up to avoid a repeat of January’s ugly incident that left the Barking manager without a job.

The updated ruling – highlights

Managers will invoke the Bramble ruling if they buy, or try to buy:

  • More than one player from a particular Premiership club – the most expensive of the two will be replaced.
  • A player that causes them to exceed the £100m budget – their most expensive player, regardless of who they bought last, will be replaced.

Once they’ve undergone the Bramble ruling, the offending manager may not take part in the next round of bidding and must buy a pitcher of beer (get the next round).

Managers found to be consistently making illegal bids to drive up the value of players will invoke the Titus Bramble ruling.

Full league rules and regulations, including changes to the Bramble ruling, will be shared soon.

The Titus Bramble list – 2011/12

Under the updated ruling, Bramble players in each position will be awarded in the order they appear below.

If a manager has a player from the same club as the first available Bramble, then the next Bramble down will be awarded.

Each Bramble player will cost £0.5m.

Goalkeepers

1 John Ruddy Norwich
2 Jose Moreira Swansea City
3 Paddy Kenny QPR

Defenders

1 Titus Bramble Sunderland
2 Danny Shittu QPR
3 Zak Whitbread Norwich City
4 Angel Rangel Swansea City
5 Rafik Halliche Fulham
6 Christophe Berra Wolves
7 Stotirios Kyrgiakos Liverpool
8 Pablo Ibanez West Bromwich Albion

Midfielders

1 Shaun Wright-Phillips Manchester City
2 Josh McEachran Chelsea
3 Emmanuel Frimpong Arsenal
4 Christian Poulson Liverpool
5 Hendry Thomas Wigan Athletic
6 Darron Gibson Manchester United
7 Michael Tonge Stoke City
8 Dan Gosling Newcastle United

Strikers

1 Michael Owen Manchester United
2 Ji Dong-Won Sunderland
3 Emile Heskey Aston Villa
4 Conor Sammon Wigan Athletic
5 Magaye Gueye Everton
6 Sam Vokes Wolves
7 Roman Bednar West Bromwich Albion
8 Mamady Sidibie Stoke City

Bramble players may be subject to change before the auction night, depending on transfers.


The Friday Poll: Tevez or Fabregas?

The Friday Pole

Stanisław Zbyszko - The Friday Pole

The word ‘wantaway’ crops up every summer to the chagrin of the Kenna manager.

With the auction taking place three weeks before the end of the transfer window, there’s always a risk of blowing the budget on a ‘top, top, top, top‘ player for him to do one before the season has even begun.

In no time has the risk been higher than now, with captains Cesc Fabregas and Carlos Tevez both heavily tipped to either leave, be frozen out by their manager or fly to Luxembourg at half time

So with the potential for either player to stay in England and rack up a Kenna-winning points total, which player is more likely to go for the most money at auction?


Latin heat

PSV Mornington manager

Iberians: a compact style of play

The Iberian peninsular produces some of the most technically-gifted football players in the world.

But in one of the few lands where no one can agree lyrics for the national anthem, which language claims supremacy on the pitch?

Ever responsive to the feedback of managers, the number crunchers at HQ have conducted another study of similar depth and learning to last week’s look at the Kenna slavic contingent.

Spanish, Basque, Catalan, Valencian, Aragonese and, for good measure, Portuguese players have been pitched against each other to determine precisely which brand of tiki-taka managers should adopt next season.

The outcome

From the small data set available, it’s concluded that Valencian players offer the best return. Basque players are also a good investment, provided they’re not extorted for revolutionary tax by their fellow countrymen. The Portuguese are an excellent choice and Castilians are a safe bet.

Players from Aragon and Catalonia are overrated and should be left well alone.

Castilian

Player Club

10/11 points

Value (£m)

Points/£m

F Torres FC Gun Show

127

33

3.85

J Reina Thieving Magpies

107

1.5

71.33

D Silva Deportivo Kensington

140

19

7.37

C Cuellar Athelico Temple

29

7

4.14

Total

403

60.5

6.67

Basque

Player Club

10/11 points

Value (£m)

Points/£m

M Arteta Athletico Temple

89

9.5

9.37

Valencian

Player Club

10/11 points

Value (£m)

Points/£m

J Enrique Bashers FC

93

1

93

Catalan

Player Club

10/11 points

Value (£m)

Points/£m

C Fabregas Athletico Temple

118

43

2.74

Aragonese

Player Club

10/11 points

Value (£m)

Points/£m

M Almunia PSV Mornington

36

9

4

Portuguese

Player Club

10/11 points

Value (£m)

Points/£m

Nani Dynamo Temple

171

8

21.38


Left back in the wilderness

The Friday Pole

Stanislaus Zbyszko - The Friday Pole

With only one player allowed from each Premiership club good players are often left unsigned.

Despite being in the top ten points scorers in defence, Zabaleta and Lescott both finished last season as free agents.

So as the ranks of Manchester City’s back line swell over the summer, who will be left without a Kenna home to go to?

In last week’s poll, Stevie G was voted most likely to be the top-priced Liverpool midfielder at auction.

What a Kop out.


Player list published

Player list

Tevez, hairplugs, malaria, molester, out of form, dobber: in that order

Carlos Tevez has put quality time with his daughters on hold to become the most expensive signing in the DT player list, issued today.

The ‘wantaway’ striker, who spurned free plastic surgery on a childhood accident that left his neck scarred for life, shares the top spot with a man who had hairplugs fitted and announced it on the internet.

Frank Lampard takes the wig in midfield, despite his truly awful season for bottom-placed PSV last season. Watch Gareth Bale’s auction value plummet as he no longer picks up clean sheet points.

Vidic is the new JT/Ian Harte as the priciest defender. Joe Hart’s club form makes him first choice ‘keeper.

Managers are reminded that the position in which a player is included on this list, is the position they will play in their Kenna 4-4-2 formation.

View the player list by clicking on the PDF icon on the right, and remember: a Kenna manager is better than the information contained in the green box at the top.

Just one calendar month to go until the start of the new season. Salty.


Which Liverpool midfielder will go for most money at auction?

In the only concrete football news this week, Liverpool finally bought Charlie Adam.

Now they have all these new options in midfield, and considering that Raul Miereles picked up more goals and assists than the fading Stevie G last season, the chalk stripes and Rolexes in Kenna HQ speculations department are pondering which midfielder will pick up the biggest price tag at auction.

Although still in the Midlands, Stewart ‘ showdown talks’ Downing has been included only because everyone except McLeish wants him to be there.

And so the first edition of what’s hoped to be a weekly fixture begins: The Friday poll.