Young Boys confident of getting semis
Posted: February 20, 2012 Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup | Tags: ambulance news, draw, fernando torres, grudge match, headless chickens, knockout stages, league leaders, media platform, pavel pogrebnyak, quarter final, twitter, young boys Leave a commentA belligerent Young Boys manager claimed his side were guaranteed a place in the semi finals after being drawn to league strugglers PSV Mornington.
“Easy! Easy!” chanted the YB boss after Friday’s draw was made on Twitter.
“My Young Boys don’t have much experience of semis, but they train hard, so I’m quietly confident,” he crowed on the social media platform.
Should they progress, YB face the tough prospect of either league leaders FC Testiculadew or third-placed Newington Reds.
In the other side of the knockout stages, Dynamo Charlton will play Hairy Fadjeetas in what commentators are dubbing ‘The Ambulance News Derby’.
“This is a real grudge match for my beautiful fadges,” said the Fadjeetas boss, stroking Fernando Torres hair as the Spaniard wept into his lap.
The winners will face either in-form Pikey Scum or Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens.
Quarter final dates
Leg one – Wednesday 7 March
Leg two – Wednesday 28 March
King Louis and the Bent pauper
Posted: February 16, 2012 Filed under: Weekly updates | Tags: cigar, darren bent, De Beauvoir, geoff shreeves, hackney council, london bus, louis saha, luis suarez, open top bus, patrice evra, sky sports, southgate road, steven n'zonzi Leave a commentThieving Magpies catapulted out of the drop zone as new signing Louis Saha racked up 18 points.
The struggling club are now basking in the relative sunshine of mid-table mediocrity.
Costing just half a million pounds in the last transfer window, King Louis’ contribution in just one week equates to almost a fifth of £32m Darren Bent’s total score this season.
“Darren’s doing a job for us,” said the Theiving Magpies manager, handing his striker a shopping list.
Some pundits have suggested Pies’ springboard into mid table only shows how many teams are in danger of relegation.
‘Sub-human scum’
Luis Suarez’s latest antics ended with his manager issuing an apology for comments made in a post-match interview.
The Superfuzz striker refused to shake hands with Pikey Scum defender Patrice Evra before Saturday’s game.
Asked afterwards what he made of the incident, the Superfuzz manager called Sky Sports reporter Geoff Shreeves ‘bang out of order’.
“Handshake? What handshake?” said a confused-looking Fuzz manager. “I didn’t see anything like that. I don’t understand what you’re talking about.
“Why would he shake Evra’s hand? He’s Scum. Sub-human Scum. You’re bang out of order, pal.”
Open to ridicule
The Vasco De Beauvoir manager has been criticised for his reaction to Steven N’Zonzi’s first goal of the season.
Visibly ecstatic when the midfielder scored at the weekend, the Vasco boss hastily arranged an open-top bus tour of De Beauvoir to celebrate.
Hackney Council received three official complaints after the bus held up traffic in the area around Southgate Road on Tuesday morning.
One onlooker said: “This guy smoking a cigar and swigging a bottle of champagne had his arm around N’Zonzi on the top deck and was cheering at some young mum’s with pushchairs. To be honest there weren’t many people around.”
A local shopkeeper said: “All the players looked really awkward, especially N’Zonzi. They seemed a bit embarrassed that London bus drivers were shouting at them to get out of the way.”
Houston, we have a problem
Posted: February 13, 2012 Filed under: Exclusive! | Tags: aaron ramsey, apple, bashar al-assad, colonel gaddafi, death knell, libya, national transitional council, osama bin laden, pop diva, steve jobbs, victor moses, whitney houston Leave a comment-
Ramsey strike takes out pop diva
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‘We were aiming for Syrian leader’ says Dynamo boss
Aaron Ramsey received the full backing of his manager today after mistakenly killing Whitney Houston.
The Dynamo Charlton midfielder’s 75th-minute strike on Saturday sounded the death knell for the troubled pop singer.
The diva is Ramsey’s fourth scalp. His previous three goals spelled the end of terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, Apple boss Steve Jobbs and African tyrant Colonel Gaddafi.
In an eyebrow-raising press conference, the Dyanmo Charlton boss claimed the strike didn’t hit its intended target, but he’d have his player working extra hard in training to make up for it.
“We saw the job Aaron did taking out Bin Laden for the Americans last May and we knew then he’d be a good investment,” said the Dyanmo gaffer to stunned silence.
“If I told you that before the summer auction we’d pick him up for £2m, you’d never have believed me.
“Considering his awareness on the ball, his passing ability and the money Bill Gates was offering for Jobbs, there ain’t no way I was going to miss out on signing him.”
Assad day for soul
As journalists’ jaws hit the floor, the Dyanmo manager revealed that having successfully eliminated Colonel Gaddafi for the Libyan National Transitional Council, the club was approached by the United Nations.
“After hitting some red tape with the Russians and Chinese, the UN asked us to take care of Syrian president Bashar al-Assad. Sadly, Whitney copped it instead. I suppose it was just one of those days.
“I said to Aaron after the game ‘I believe in you and me’, and we’ll be working extra hard this week in training,” the Dynamo boss said.
Fine
Under club rules, Ramsey will get have to cough up £50 towards the end-of-season party for missing the target.
“What can I say?” said the manager, shrugging his shoulders.”He’s hit three in four attempts.
“That’s a lot better than Victor Moses.”
Elokobi leaves Seduction on loan
Posted: February 10, 2012 Filed under: Exclusive! | Tags: bedford rascal, burgers, cameroon, dalston, george elokobi, industrial estate, lock-up, relegation, seduction, stationery Leave a commentNottingham Forest have signed The Dan Terry Seduction left-back George Elokobi on loan until the end of the season.
The 26-year-old Cameroonian has scored only 18 points for the struggling club this season, with just three starts in the Kenna League.
Elokobi told BBC Radio Nottingham: “It hasn’t worked out for me this season. There’s just not enough to eat in the club canteen.”
The defender’s departure leaves the Seduction in a bitter fight against relegation.
“We hoped the fuss around the England job would distract the media from this embarrassing development,” said the Seduction boss.
“We’re doomed. The only thing left for us to do now is stash as much complimentary Kenna stationery as possible into the lock-up before our official relegation at the end of the season,” he continued, while backing the club’s Bedford Rascal into a Dalston industrial estate.
Polonia Forsyth (second window)
Posted: February 9, 2012 Filed under: Clare, Managers | Tags: aberdeen, ben watson, fabricio coloccini, junior hoilett, mario balotelli, martin petrov, michael vorm, mikael arteta, njemana vidic, phil neville, richard dunne, rory delap, spurs Leave a commentManager: Miss Claire Forsyth (SCO)
Since: 2008
Trophy cabinet: empty
Sympathies: Aberdeen, Spurs
Vorm, M | SWA | £0.5m |
Vidic, N | MUN | £27m |
Coloccini, F | NEW | £5m |
Dunne, R | AVL | £5m |
Neville, P | EVE | £0.5m |
Watson, B | WIG | £0.5m |
Arteta, M | ARS | £12m |
Petrov, M | BOL | £6m |
Delap, R | STO | £10m |
Balotelli, M | MCY | £25m |
Hoilett, D | BLR | £0.5m |
£93.5m |
Superfuzz (second window)
Posted: February 8, 2012 Filed under: Managers, Pete E | Tags: adam johnson, branislav ivanovic, grant holt, leighton baines, luis suarez, michael dawson, nani, nathan dyer, sotirios kyrgiakos, southampton, stilian petrov Leave a commentManager: Mr Pete Edwards
Since: 2011
Trophy cabinet: empty
Sympathies: Southampton
Krul, T | NEW | £0.5m |
Kyrgiakos, S | SUN | £0.5m |
Baines, L | EVE | £11m |
Ivanovic, B | CHE | £0.5m |
Dawson, M | TOT | £0.5m |
Nani | MUN | £32m |
Johnson, A | MCY | £9.5m |
Dyer, N | SWA | £0.5m |
Petrov, S | AVL | £0.5m |
Holt, G | NOR | £3.5m |
Suarez, L | LIV | £28m |
£87m |
Thieving Magpies (second window)
Posted: February 8, 2012 Filed under: Managers | Tags: daniel agger, darren bent, darren gibson, jermaine pennant, john terry, jolean lescott, jonas olsson, louis saha, notts county, park ji-sung, paul robinson, steve sidwell Leave a commentManager: Mr Phil Davis (ENG)
Since: 2005 (founder member)
Trohpy cabinet: empty
Sympathies: Notts County
Robinson, P | BLR | £4m |
Terry, J | CHE | £28m |
Lescott, J | MCY | £10m |
Agger, D | LIV | £10m |
Olsson, J | WBA | £0.5m |
Sidwell, S | FUL | £0.5m |
Gibson, D | EVE | £1m |
Pennant, J | STO | £0.5m |
Park, Ji-Sung | MUN | £0.5m |
Bent, D | AVL | £32m |
Saha, L | TOT | £0.5m |
£99m |