FCT Veuve leaves challengers Pol Rogered
Posted: May 12, 2014 Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup, Weekly updates | Tags: fantasy football, premier league, soccer, sports, tour de france Leave a commentDURING the final stage of the Tour de France it’s customary for the cyclist wearing the yellow jersey to toast his journey into Paris with a glass of champagne.
Even though there are still 100 or so kilometres to go at the start of the day, a challenge for the top spot in cycling on such a flat leg is considered over after a month of punishing mountains, gruelling time trials and simple French country folk. It’s also considered ungentlemanly.
Ironic then that the man who killed the chivalrous spirit of the Kenna by discovering the sharp practice of tactical Brambling finds himself in a similar champagne finish in the league this week as his team march inexorably towards the elysian fields of an unprecedented second Kenna double.
A goal from Juan Mata and two from the irrepressible Edin Dzeko saw FC Testiculadew beat Northern Monkeys 3-2 in the Canesten Combi Cup final this week. FCT now only have one more match to negotiate until adding the league title to a groaning club trophy cabinet.
Barring an unlikely 12 goals on Saturday from second-placed Piedmonte‘s Shane Long, the FCT manager will pick up two Kenna doubles in three seasons, potentially making him the most successful Kenna boss of all time.
Agonisingly for the Piedmonte manager, the fact remains that getting rid of Samir Nasri at the February transfer window cost him the league.
In the battle for third, the league treasurer’s team Bala Rinas are putting in a sprint finish to stake a claim over rival Welshman the Judean Peoples’ Front manager.
JPF were in the top three for 13 weeks until now, but are in danger of dropping even further down the table if Team Panda Rules OK striker Olivier Giroud can continue his streak this weekend, or in the remote chance Ahmed Elmohamady and Laurent Koscielny have the game of their lives for Pikey Scum.
In the jostle of the peloton no amount of substance abuse will make the season anything but an exercise in mediocrity.
Bringing up the rear in Bramble Jerseys, the bottom three found themselves aching and tangled in a barbed wire fence on a rural roadside in the Auvergne sometime ago. P45s await, or in one case was an early Christmas present.
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 55 | 6 |
2 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 47 | 3 |
3 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 37 | 3 |
4 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 36 | 2 |
5 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 36 | 0 |
6 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 33 | 0 |
7 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 32 | 0 |
8 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 31 | 2 |
9 | Just put Carles | Carles | 31 | 1 |
10 | Piedmonte | Phil | 31 | 0 |
11 | Headless Chickens | John N | 29 | 1 |
12 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 28 | 2 |
13 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 28 | 1 |
14 | Young Boys | Denney | 28 | 1 |
15 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 26 | 0 |
16 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 24 | 0 |
17 | KS West Green | Stix | 20 | 1 |
18 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 18 | 0 |
19 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 17 | 0 |
20 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 16 | 1 |
21 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 14 | 1 |
22 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 10 | 0 |
23 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 6 | 0 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 18 | Zabaleta, P – MCY – DEF | ||
Club | Dynamo Charlton |
Belgians broken but Bramble Baron on brink of bumper brace
Posted: April 22, 2014 Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup, Weekly updates | Tags: fantasy football, Kevin Mirallas, premier league, soccer, sports, title race Leave a commentKEVIN Mirallas and Christian Benteke may be a mini Belgian injury crisis for FC Testiculadew, but the club still moved one step closer to a second Kenna double in three campaigns this week with an assured display.
On his way to the physio’s bench winger Mirallas notched two goals to put the side managed by the founder of tactical Brambling both in the Canesten Combi Cup final and extend their lead over Piedmonte to 36 points.
Hopes of snatching the title at the final fence look even more remote for the Piedmonte manager even though his side put in another solid week led again by Jason Puncheon. If only he’d kept Samir Nasri – the Frenchman picked up a goal and an assist to help Bala Rinas into fourth place.
With just four weeks left of the season and relegation all but rubber stamped for the bottom three clubs, the race for the Wenger Trophy is shaping up to take centre stage in the league’s remaining narrative.
Just 30 points separate the five clubs floating around the final prize spot, and the cast are varied: Sporting Lesbian are defending champions, Team Panda Rules OK debutants and the other three managers are league committee members yet to find silverware in the quagmire of political intrigue at Kenna HQ.
Another subplot is the miraculous cup run of Northern Monkeys. The manager voiced concerns over the ability of Samuel Eto’o and Fabio Borini back in February, but the pair earned the Monkeys a place in the final at the expense of a toothless St Reatham FC.
It seems unlikely the Monkeys’ luck will continue into the pageantry of that May afternoon. With David Silva possibly out injured for the rest of the season, the midfield consists of Antonio Valencia, Stewart Downing and forfeit player Stuart Hazell.
No amount of cash in the attic could buy a goal for that lot.
Road to the Canesten Combi Cup final
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 60 | 5 |
2 | KS West Green | Stix | 48 | 2 |
3 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 41 | 2 |
4 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 41 | 2 |
5 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 41 | 1 |
6 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 37 | 2 |
7 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 35 | 0 |
8 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 34 | 2 |
9 | Just put Carles | Carles | 30 | 2 |
10 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 30 | 2 |
11 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 30 | 2 |
12 | Piedmonte | Phil | 30 | 1 |
13 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 26 | 0 |
14 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 25 | 2 |
15 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 25 | 0 |
16 | Headless Chickens | John N | 23 | 1 |
17 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 20 | 1 |
18 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 17 | 0 |
19 | Young Boys | Denney | 16 | 1 |
20 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 16 | 0 |
21 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 16 | 0 |
22 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 14 | 0 |
23 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 13 | 1 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 24 | Podolski, L – ARS – STR | ||
Club | Sporting Lesbian |
Kenna HQ in tie-break farce
Posted: April 14, 2014 Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup, Weekly updates | Tags: fantasy football, premier league, soccer, sports, tie-break Leave a commentBLUNDERING blazers at Kenna HQ are desperately scrabbling to find a tie-break solution after chances mounted this week that the top two clubs could end the season on the same points and goals.
Another notch from in-form Jason Puncheon and an assist from Steve Gerrard helped Piedmonte close the gap on league leaders FC Testiculadew to just 25 points. With five weeks left of the campaign only two goals scored separates the sides.
What’s now being billed as the closest Kenna title race ever could turn into a shambles as bungling officials at league headquarters admitted there was no contingency plan should two sides end level on points and goals scored.
An extraordinary committee meeting was convoked earlier today to discuss a solution.
Leaked minutes revealed the Kenna executive is considering a number of tie-break options, which include going down to points scored in the final week, ranking the teams on the number of clean sheets kept or declaring the 10-month competition a draw.
One committee member even suggested managers sending in a one-minute video plea for the championship so the rest of the league could vote on the most deserving.
The news will be of severe concern to both the Piedmonte and FCT managers, the former hoping for his first title in nine years of trying and the latter in the hunt for an unprecedented second Kenna league and cup double.
Should the FCT manager win the league outright, he could rue his team’s Canesten Combi Cup semi-final performance this weekend. The former cup winners failed to register an away goal in their sibling derby with Headless Chickens.
In the other semi, Northern Monkeys took a two-goal lead over St Reatham FC thanks to Per Mertesacker and David Silva.
The second leg will take place this weekend.
Canesten Combi Cup semi-final first leg results
Northern Monkeys 2 – 0 St Reatham FC
Headless Chickens 0 – 0 FC Testiculadew
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 32 | 1 |
2 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 29 | 1 |
3 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 26 | 0 |
4 | Piedmonte | Phil | 25 | 1 |
5 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 25 | 0 |
6 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 24 | 0 |
7 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 24 | 0 |
8 | KS West Green | Stix | 23 | 0 |
9 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 22 | 2 |
10 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 20 | 1 |
11 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 20 | 0 |
12 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 19 | 1 |
13 | Just put Carles | Carles | 18 | 0 |
14 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 17 | 1 |
15 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 17 | 0 |
16 | Young Boys | Denney | 16 | 0 |
17 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 15 | 0 |
18 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 14 | 0 |
19 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 13 | 0 |
20 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 11 | 1 |
21 | Headless Chickens | John N | 11 | 0 |
22 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 7 | 0 |
23 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 5 | 0 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 12 | Fabianski, L – ARS – GK | ||
Club | Unsigned |
Second double no laughing matter
Posted: April 1, 2014 Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup, Weekly updates | Tags: fantasy football, premier league, soccer, sports Leave a commentWAY past midday on 1 April the FC Testiculadew manager is still making fools of the rest of the Kenna League.
Goals from Kevin Mirallas, Juan Mata and a brace from Edin Dzeko saw the sinister, handwringing cackle of the Bramble Baron move one step closer to an unprecedented second Kenna double.
Sweeping aside bottom-of-the-table PSV Mornington 5-2 in the Canesten Combi Cup quarter final, the FCT manager has set up a juicy semi final against his sibling at Headless Chickens. The tie is a replay of the May 2012 final FCT won to claim the league and cup double.
Despite a midfield boasting convicted child murderer Stuart Hazell, Northern Monkeys clinched their tie to set up a semi final with St Reatham FC. Kenna HQ detractors will be pleased to see them move ahead at the expense of two committee members.
The free-scoring form of Peter Odemwingie means second-placed Piedmonte are still in with an outside chance of challenging for the title, but with seven weeks left in the season the trophyless manager is fast running out of time.
The door is slightly ajar for Judean Peoples’ Front too. The Anders Breivik lookalike manager’s team stayed in the race with a double from Jay Rodriguez.
The rest of the league’s top half can only hope to secure the Wenger Trophy.
Meanwhile, it looks like the writing’s on the wall for Spartak Mogadishu, Dulwich Red Sox and PSV Mornington – Pussy Riot to the FCT manager’s Vladimir Putin.
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | Just put Carles | Carles | 53 | 2 |
2 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 53 | 2 |
3 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 52 | 2 |
4 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 50 | 2 |
5 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 48 | 4 |
6 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 44 | 1 |
7 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 44 | 1 |
8 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 42 | 2 |
9 | Piedmonte | Phil | 41 | 3 |
10 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 39 | 4 |
11 | Headless Chickens | John N | 34 | 1 |
12 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 32 | 0 |
13 | KS West Green | Stix | 29 | 0 |
14 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 28 | 2 |
15 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 27 | 3 |
16 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 27 | 1 |
17 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 27 | 1 |
18 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 26 | 0 |
19 | Young Boys | Denney | 26 | 0 |
20 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 25 | 2 |
21 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 23 | 1 |
22 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 21 | 1 |
23 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 14 | 1 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 17 | Dzeko, E – MCY – STR | ||
Club | FC Testiculadew |
FCT Putin the boot in
Posted: March 24, 2014 Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup, Weekly updates | Tags: crimea, fantasy football, premier league, soccer, sports, Vladimir Putin Leave a commentIMPERIAL aggression, hasty plebiscites in obscure lands and a Christian Benteke goal mean history looks to be repeating itself both in European geopolitics and the Kenna League.
Just as it turns out that inside every Ukrainian there’s an armed Russian wearing a balaclava just waiting to get out, so FC Testiculadew have emerged from the pack as favourites to lift the title.
Despite plenty of goals for Piedmonte (Long and Odemwingie) and Judean Peoples’ Front (Eriksen x2 and Rodriguez), the second and third place teams are being made to look like squabbling Western appeasers as ‘the villain of the Kenna‘ marches towards domination.
With just eight competitive weeks left, FCT’s impressive form and 28-point buffer means nothing short of World War Three will stop the manager claiming his second Kenna championship in three years.
Pikey Scum climbed into the top four, in no small part down to Newington Reds defender Kieran Gibbs being wrongfully dismissed on Saturday.
Whether the red card is rescinded remains to be seen, but Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain’s lucky escape has put KS West Green above Headless Chickens and Hairy Fadjeetas – both early front runners of the campaign whose managers now seem to have run out of ideas in the league.
The Chickens boss is left to focus his attention on the Canesten Combi Cup, where his side took a three-goal lead in the quarter final first leg at West Green.
FCT look set to annex a badly-organised and ill-equipped PSV Mornington in their tie, although unlike Vlad they’ll need two weekends rather than one.
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | Just put Carles | Carles | 48 | 4 |
2 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 39 | 3 |
3 | Headless Chickens | John N | 37 | 5 |
4 | KS West Green | Stix | 37 | 2 |
5 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 34 | 2 |
6 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 33 | 1 |
7 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 32 | 2 |
8 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 31 | 1 |
9 | Piedmonte | Phil | 30 | 2 |
10 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 29 | 4 |
11 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 26 | 3 |
12 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 26 | 1 |
13 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 26 | 1 |
14 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 24 | 1 |
15 | Young Boys | Denney | 23 | 1 |
16 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 21 | 2 |
17 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 21 | 1 |
18 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 20 | 0 |
19 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 15 | 1 |
20 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 15 | 0 |
21 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 15 | 0 |
22 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 12 | 1 |
23 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 4 | 0 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 20 | Suarez, L – LIV – STR | ||
Club | This is Sparta…Prague |
Odemwingie’s Kenna
Posted: March 18, 2014 Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup, Weekly updates | Tags: fantasy football, peter odemwingie, premier league, soccer, sports Leave a commentGOALS from the unlikeliest source saw Piedmonte climb to second with just nine weeks left in the season.
More than a year since suffering an horrific injury sustained while sleeping in his car outside Loftus Road, Peter Odemwingie appears to have recovered his fitness and confidence to score twice this weekend.
Until last month’s transfer window, the Nigerian had been passed from club to club, unable to build any sort of momentum and at one point considered less reliable than an email from his home country.
Piedmonte put £5m worth of faith in the striker in February, set club doctors about treatment of a sore neck and some discomfort in the buttock where he’d slept on his wallet, and the manager’s already got back three goals and an assist.
Whether Odemwingie can go on to inspire his team to glory, much as Ian Botham did with bat and ball against Australia in 1981, remains to be seen.
Looking at the misfits in the rest of the Piedmonte side it seems less likely than the FC Testiculadew manager dropping his villain tag.
Abandon Cup!
Canesten Combi Cup holders Spartak Mogadishu were dumped out of the competition on the weekend, but reports filtering out of Somalia suggest the club’s manager has other priorities.
Upon learning a Boeing 777 could be floating around in the Indian Ocean last week the Somali immediately put out to sea.
Visitors to the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility found the site deserted, save for an elderly, khat-chewing groundsman who talked of an entire community swept up in the swarthy promise of hundreds of untouched Halal meal options.
The defeat means Headless Chickens will face KS West Green in the first leg of this weekend’s quarter finals.
In a classic top-versus-bottom clash, FC Testiculadew will take on PSV Mornington after Hairy Fadjeetas added to their recent league woe by losing on points in the second leg of their match against a side managed by a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola.
In the other last 16 tie settled on points, Northern Monkeys beat Rapids de Cullons, and will face Newington Reds this weekend.
The winners of that fixture will play either St Reatham FC or the treasurer’s team Bala Rinas.
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | Piedmonte | Phil | 39 | 4 |
2 | Young Boys | Denney | 32 | 1 |
3 | KS West Green | Stix | 32 | 0 |
4 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 31 | 1 |
5 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 28 | 0 |
6 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 26 | 0 |
7 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 25 | 2 |
8 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 25 | 0 |
9 | Headless Chickens | John N | 24 | 1 |
10 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 24 | 1 |
11 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 24 | 1 |
12 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 23 | 1 |
13 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 21 | 0 |
14 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 19 | 1 |
15 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 18 | 0 |
16 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 17 | 0 |
17 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 15 | 1 |
18 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 14 | 0 |
19 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 13 | 0 |
20 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 13 | 0 |
21 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 11 | 1 |
22 | Just put Carles | Carles | 11 | 0 |
23 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 10 | 0 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 12 | Odemwingie, P – STO – STR | ||
Club | Piedmonte |
League elite enjoy ‘Oscar’s night’
Posted: March 5, 2014 Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup, Weekly updates | Tags: andre schurrle, fantasy football, oscar pistorius, premier league Leave a commentCALLS for an official inquiry have been heard around the Kenna after teams led by two high-ranking league officials registered resounding cup victories in what was otherwise a quiet week for goals.
In the first leg of the Canesten Combi Cup last 16 fixtures, KS West Green and Bala Rinas – managed by the Kenna chairman and treasurer respectively – both scored four shots on target, or ‘got an Oscar’s night‘, as it has recently become known.
A hat-trick for Andre Schurrle and a rare Curtis Davies strike secured a vital away win for the chairman’s side over Judean Peoples’ Front, whose manager is best known for looking like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik.
Johnny Heitinga, Romelu Lukaku and a brace from Moussa Sissoko saw Bala Rinas cruise to victory over a lacklustre Team Panda Rules OK performance.
No doubt spurred on by either ongoing events in Ukraine, a faction led by the Young Boys of Vauxhall manager has questioned the integrity of the league and called for a full investigation.
The Young Boys manager, who two days ago attacked the league for being anti-Welsh, even called for a boycott of the new improved cup wall chart, released today.
“You see this? I wouldn’t wash my car with this! And not only because it’s a piece of paper,” he fumed at his chamois.
The Chairman’s response was uncharacteristic, but made clear upon watching the YouTube video below. He said: “Yo, you want fantasy football? I got fantasy football. I got the best fantasy football.
“This area’s dry, man. You know that. I know that. Ain’t nobody arranging fantasy football but me.
“I got auctions, I got transfer windows, I got pub crawls. I’ve got the finest cup competition this area has seen in years. You need me and I need you. Let’s make this work.
“You buy entry to the league, you get entry to the cup totally free. Gratis.
“I got everything. Even a World Cup fantasy auction, baby.”
Canesten Combi Cup last 16 first leg results
Rapids De Cullons 1 – 0 Northern Monkeys
Dynamo Charlton 0 – 2 Newington Reds
St Reatham FC 0 – 0 Lokomotiv Leeds
Team Panda Rules OK 1 – 4 Bala Rinas
Judean Peoples’ Front 0 – 4 KS West Green
Headless Chickens 0 – 0 Spartak Mogadishu
FC Testiculadew 2 – 1 This is Sparta…Prague
PSV Mornington 0 – 1 Hairy Fadjeetas
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | KS West Green | Stix | 33 | 4 |
2 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 29 | 4 |
3 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 29 | 1 |
4 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 28 | 2 |
5 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 25 | 2 |
6 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 25 | 0 |
7 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 25 | 0 |
8 | Piedmonte | Phil | 23 | 1 |
9 | Young Boys | Denney | 23 | 0 |
10 | Just put Carles | Carles | 20 | 1 |
11 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 20 | 0 |
12 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 19 | 1 |
13 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 19 | 0 |
14 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 18 | 1 |
15 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 17 | 0 |
16 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 15 | 0 |
17 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 14 | 0 |
18 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 13 | 0 |
19 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 13 | 0 |
20 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 11 | 0 |
21 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 10 | 0 |
22 | Headless Chickens | John N | 8 | 0 |
23 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 6 | 0 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 17 | Schurrle, A – CHE – MID | ||
Club | KS West Green |
Northern Monkeys manager admits to concerns about Eto’o and Borini
Posted: February 27, 2014 Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup | Tags: fantasy football, premier league, Samuel Eto, samuel eto'o Leave a commentNORTHERN Monkeys’ last 16 cup draw at Rapids De Cullons was overshadowed this week by an extraordinary row over a series of unguarded but highly disparaging remarks by the manager about the club’s strikers.
The Northern Monkeys boss was recorded by the French television company Canal Plus in what he thought was a private conversation with the owner of a Swiss Toblerone, thought to be the St Reatham FC manager.
“I have a team but no striker,” said the Monkeys manager. “The problem at Northern Monkeys is that we are lacking a goalscorer. I have one [Samuel Eto’o] but he is 32, possibly 35, who knows?”
The remark about Eto’o is understood to be a reference to the supposed doubt about the true age of some African players.
The other Northern Monkeys striker Fabio Borini was not mentioned in the same sentence as the word ‘goalscorer’.
The club has not disputed the authenticity of the manager’s comments but are adamant that they were supposed to be light-hearted and not meant for broadcast or publication.
Northern Monkeys have scored 27 goals this season, one less than their Canesten Combi Cup opponents Rapids De Cullon. The two sides meet in the first leg of their last 16 tie this weekend.
In a first for world football, the ties were drawn this Wednesday evening on a moving train to an audience of a couple of cans of lager.
First tie out is Rapids vs Monkeys #CupDraw https://t.co/saCzfp2Eft
— Stix (@jeffkennaleague) February 26, 2014
Canesten Combi Cup last 16 fixtures
Rapids De Cullons v Northern Monkeys
Dynamo Charlton v Newington Reds
St Reatham FC v Lokomotiv Leeds
Team Panda Rules OK v Bala Rinas
Judean Peoples’ Front v KS West Green
Headless Chickens v Spartak Mogadishu
FC Testiculadew v This is Sparta…Prague
PSV Mornington v Hairy Fadjeetas
The copy for this article was stolen from…
Kenna cellar soundproofed
Posted: February 25, 2014 Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup | Tags: fantasy football, premier league, soccer, sports Leave a commentTHE cellar at Kenna HQ is being soundproofed ‘for footballing reasons’, it was claimed today.
The league chairman was forced to comment after leaked photos emerged of him insulating a confined, windowless crawlspace believed to lie directly underneath the boardroom of London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league.
Despite the appearance of something more sinister, the chairman was adamant the only motive was to reduce managers’ subscription costs by saving on Kenna HQ energy bills.
The groans having receded after it was pointed out there was already enough hot air in league committee meetings, sceptics were quick condemn the photos as further proof of the Kenna executive’s increasingly hard line measures.
Many believe the Kenna’s manager experiences department, a secretive arm of league apparatus responsible for policing members, is behind the move.
In August 2012, the manager experiences department were believed to be behind the abduction of defender James Collins from his team hotel. The incident led to one manager slamming the Kenna as ‘out of touch blazers’.
Faced with these latest allegations, the chairman maintained the league’s motives were honest.
“I know from the photos it looks like we’re building some sort of Fritzl Suite to help silence dissent from agitators, but that’s simply not the case. As an organisation committed to sustainability we’re simply making our HQ building more energy efficient.
“At the heart of everything we do is making the Kenna the ultimate fantasy, and these renovations are part of that fantasy,” he said over the muffled cries of Titus Bramble.
Cup fixtures announced
The first round of knockout games in the Canesten Combi Cup will take place this weekend.
A total of 16 teams made it out of the group stages in January. They will be drawn in head-to-head ties on tomorrow’s 1750 from Birmingham New Street to Euston.
“It’s the first time the last 16 draw will be made on a moving train, but I must assure managers that we will not be holding back on the traditional glamour associated with the Canesten,” said the chairman, charging up his briefcase with a couple of Jackie Chans.
In the pot
Group A – Judean Peoples’ Front, KS West Green, This is Sparta…Prague, Team Panda Rules OK
Group B – FC Testiculadew, Rapids De Cullons CF, Dynamo Charlton, St Reatham FC
Group C – Headless Chickens, Northern Monkeys, Spartak Mogadishu, Newington Reds
Group D – Hairy Fadjeetas, PSV Mornington, Bala Rinas, Lokomotiv Leeds
Last 16
First leg – Tuesday 5 March
Second leg – Tuesday 18 March
Quarter finals
First leg – Tuesday 25 March
Second leg – Tuesday 1 April
Semi finals
First leg – Tuesday 15 April
Second leg – Tuesday 22 April
Final
Tuesday 13 May
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 43 | 3 |
2 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 39 | 3 |
3 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 35 | 2 |
4 | Just put Carles | Carles | 35 | 2 |
5 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 34 | 1 |
6 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 33 | 1 |
7 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 32 | 1 |
8 | Young Boys | Denney | 28 | 0 |
9 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 27 | 0 |
10 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 26 | 2 |
11 | Piedmonte | Phil | 26 | 0 |
12 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 24 | 1 |
13 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 22 | 2 |
14 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 22 | 1 |
15 | Headless Chickens | John N | 21 | 1 |
16 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 20 | 0 |
17 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 19 | 0 |
18 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 18 | 0 |
19 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 15 | 1 |
20 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 15 | 0 |
21 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 14 | 0 |
22 | KS West Green | Stix | 8 | 0 |
23 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 5 | 0 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 15 | Giroud, O – ARS – STR | ||
Club | Team Panda Rules OK |
‘Kenna DVDs’ turn up in phone-hacking trial
Posted: January 22, 2014 Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup, Weekly updates | Tags: fantasy football, jenna jameson, phone-hacking, premier league Leave a commentSECRET videos belonging to football clubs in the Kenna League have turned up into the phone-hacking trial at the Old Bailey, it has been claimed.
Amongst the contents of a bag alleged by the prosecution to have been hidden by Rebekah Brooks’s husband the day she was arrested, investigators unearthed several adult DVDs including the title Where the Boys aren’t 17.
The manager of Kenna League club Young Boys of Vauxhall says the film contains through-the-keyhole recordings of his side’s top secret training sessions.
The Welshman claims the illicit content has compromised his team’s competitiveness this season.
Disgruntled supporters’ groups have pointed out the Young Boys manager’s outburst is merely a smokescreen to deflect attention away from the club’s appalling league form and failure to progress from the Canesten Combi Cup group stages this week.
They also claim the film has nothing to do with Young Boys and is actually a romp starring ‘The Queen of Porn’ Jenna Jameson on a plane full of lesbians.
@jeffkennaleague Tell him I want those back!
— Andrew Denney (@andenney) January 21, 2014
The Sporting Lesbian manager, another Canesten Combi Cup group C side eliminated from the tournament, is also said to have mobilised club lawyers after two other lesbian films were found in Charlie Brooks’s bag: Lesbian Psychodrama Volume 2 and Lesbian Psychodrama Volume 3.
Media commentators maintain such a link between the high-profile criminal case and London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league is whimsical at best.
Meanwhile, the PSV Mornington renaissance continued this week under their maverick new manager, a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola.
Santi Cazorla scored two goals for PSV to both ensure their progress out of group D of the Canesten Combi Cup and cut the gap on fellow relegation strugglers Spartak Mogadishu and the aforementioned Young Boys.
Known as Pep ‘Cardiola’ to wags at the club, the caretaker manager was given the job permanently last week after turning around their fortunes in the league and cup.
The former PSV manager was sacked before Christmas for overseeing five of the worst months of performances in Kenna history.
The last 16 draw for the Canesten Combi Cup will take place at the season’s second transfer window two weeks on Friday.
Managers have until noon on Wednesday 5 February to submit their unwanted players to Kenna HQ. Two days later an auction will be held at The Enterprise in Holborn where managers can fill the gaps in their team with available players and the gaps in their stomach by several glasses of premium lager.
Cup group stage results
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 46 | 5 |
2 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 43 | 2 |
3 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 40 | 1 |
4 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 39 | 2 |
5 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 37 | 1 |
6 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 36 | 4 |
7 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 34 | 2 |
8 | Headless Chickens | John N | 34 | 1 |
9 | Piedmonte | Phil | 32 | 2 |
10 | KS West Green | Stix | 30 | 2 |
11 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 29 | 3 |
12 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 26 | 2 |
13 | Just put Carles | Carles | 24 | 0 |
14 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 23 | 0 |
15 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 22 | 2 |
16 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 22 | 1 |
17 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 22 | 0 |
18 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 19 | 1 |
19 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 18 | 0 |
20 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 16 | 1 |
21 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 13 | 0 |
22 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 12 | 0 |
23 | Young Boys | Denney | 9 | 0 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 22 | Dzeko, E – MCY – STR | ||
Club | FC Testiculadew |