FCT Veuve leaves challengers Pol Rogered

Tour De France Champagne Chris Froome

Frooming marvellous: FC Testiculadew will spend the last competitive week of the Kenna cruising to victory

DURING the final stage of the Tour de France it’s customary for the cyclist wearing the yellow jersey to toast his journey into Paris with a glass of champagne.

Even though there are still 100 or so kilometres to go at the start of the day, a challenge for the top spot in cycling on such a flat leg is considered over after a month of punishing mountains, gruelling time trials and simple French country folk. It’s also considered ungentlemanly.

Ironic then that the man who killed the chivalrous spirit of the Kenna by discovering the sharp practice of tactical Brambling finds himself in a similar champagne finish in the league this week as his team march inexorably towards the elysian fields of an unprecedented second Kenna double.

A goal from Juan Mata and two from the irrepressible Edin Dzeko saw FC Testiculadew beat Northern Monkeys 3-2 in the Canesten Combi Cup final this week. FCT now only have one more match to negotiate until adding the league title to a groaning club trophy cabinet.

Barring an unlikely 12 goals on Saturday from second-placed Piedmonte‘s Shane Long, the FCT manager will pick up two Kenna doubles in three seasons, potentially making him the most successful Kenna boss of all time.

Agonisingly for the Piedmonte manager, the fact remains that getting rid of Samir Nasri at the February transfer window cost him the league.

In the battle for third, the league treasurer’s team Bala Rinas are putting in a sprint finish to stake a claim over rival Welshman the Judean Peoples’ Front manager.

JPF were in the top three for 13 weeks until now, but are in danger of dropping even further down the table if Team Panda Rules OK striker Olivier Giroud can continue his streak this weekend, or in the remote chance Ahmed Elmohamady and Laurent Koscielny have the game of their lives for Pikey Scum.

In the jostle of the peloton no amount of substance abuse will make the season anything but an exercise in mediocrity.

Bringing up the rear in Bramble Jerseys, the bottom three found themselves aching and tangled in a barbed wire fence on a rural roadside in the Auvergne sometime ago. P45s await, or in one case was an early Christmas present.

Kenna table

Kenna table week 36 - 13May14

Kenna table week 36 – 13May14

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 55 6
2 Bala Rinas Lewis 47 3
3 FC Testiculadew James N 37 3
4 St. Reatham FC Mike 36 2
5 Newington Reds Dudley 36 0
6 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 33 0
7 Team Panda Rules OK George 32 0
8 Pikey Scum Jack 31 2
9 Just put Carles Carles 31 1
10 Piedmonte Phil 31 0
11 Headless Chickens John N 29 1
12 Northern Monkeys Hugo 28 2
13 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 28 1
14 Young Boys Denney 28 1
15 Dynamo Charlton Alex 26 0
16 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 24 0
17 KS West Green Stix 20 1
18 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 18 0
19 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 17 0
20 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 16 1
21 PSV Mornington El Pons 14 1
22 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 10 0
23 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 6 0
Points Player
Player of the week 18 Zabaleta, P – MCY – DEF
Club Dynamo Charlton
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Belgians broken but Bramble Baron on brink of bumper brace

Kevin Mirallas

Kevin Mirallas scored twice to edge FC Testiculadew towards a second Kenna double (photo: deeegaogtgjg123)

KEVIN Mirallas and Christian Benteke may be a mini Belgian injury crisis for FC Testiculadew, but the club still moved one step closer to a second Kenna double in three campaigns this week with an assured display.

On his way to the physio’s bench winger Mirallas notched two goals to put the side managed by the founder of tactical Brambling both in the Canesten Combi Cup final and extend their lead over Piedmonte to 36 points.

Hopes of snatching the title at the final fence look even more remote for the Piedmonte manager even though his side put in another solid week led again by Jason Puncheon. If only he’d kept Samir Nasri – the Frenchman picked up a goal and an assist to help Bala Rinas into fourth place.

With just four weeks left of the season and relegation all but rubber stamped for the bottom three clubs, the race for the Wenger Trophy is shaping up to take centre stage in the league’s remaining narrative.

Just 30 points separate the five clubs floating around the final prize spot, and the cast are varied: Sporting Lesbian are defending champions, Team Panda Rules OK debutants and the other three managers are league committee members yet to find silverware in the quagmire of political intrigue at Kenna HQ.

Another subplot is the miraculous cup run of Northern Monkeys. The manager voiced concerns over the ability of Samuel Eto’o and Fabio Borini back in February, but the pair earned the Monkeys a place in the final at the expense of a toothless St Reatham FC.

It seems unlikely the Monkeys’ luck will continue into the pageantry of that May afternoon. With David Silva possibly out injured for the rest of the season, the midfield consists of Antonio Valencia, Stewart Downing and forfeit player Stuart Hazell.

No amount of cash in the attic could buy a goal for that lot.

Road to the Canesten Combi Cup final

Road to the Canesten Combi Cup final 2014

Road to the Canesten Combi Cup final 2014

Kenna table

Kenna week 33 - 22 April 2014

Kenna week 33 – 22 April 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 60 5
2 KS West Green Stix 48 2
3 Bala Rinas Lewis 41 2
4 FC Testiculadew James N 41 2
5 Team Panda Rules OK George 41 1
6 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 37 2
7 St. Reatham FC Mike 35 0
8 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 34 2
9 Just put Carles Carles 30 2
10 Newington Reds Dudley 30 2
11 Northern Monkeys Hugo 30 2
12 Piedmonte Phil 30 1
13 Pikey Scum Jack 26 0
14 Dynamo Charlton Alex 25 2
15 PSV Mornington El Pons 25 0
16 Headless Chickens John N 23 1
17 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 20 1
18 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 17 0
19 Young Boys Denney 16 1
20 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 16 0
21 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 16 0
22 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 14 0
23 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 13 1
Points Player
Player of the week 24 Podolski, L – ARS – STR
Club Sporting Lesbian

Kenna HQ in tie-break farce

Tie break

Volley of abuse: Kenna HQ contingency plans have been heavily criticised (photo: C64 Ocean and Imagine Collection)

BLUNDERING blazers at Kenna HQ are desperately scrabbling to find a tie-break solution after chances mounted this week that the top two clubs could end the season on the same points and goals.

Another notch from in-form Jason Puncheon and an assist from Steve Gerrard helped Piedmonte close the gap on league leaders FC Testiculadew to just 25 points. With five weeks left of the campaign only two goals scored separates the sides.

What’s now being billed as the closest Kenna title race ever could turn into a shambles as bungling officials at league headquarters admitted there was no contingency plan should two sides end level on points and goals scored.

An extraordinary committee meeting was convoked earlier today to discuss a solution.

Leaked minutes revealed the Kenna executive is considering a number of tie-break options, which include going down to points scored in the final week,  ranking the teams on the number of clean sheets kept or declaring the 10-month competition a draw.

One committee member even suggested managers sending in a one-minute video plea for the championship so the rest of the league could vote on the most deserving.

The news will be of severe concern to both the Piedmonte and FCT managers, the former hoping for his first title in nine years of trying and the latter in the hunt for an unprecedented second Kenna league and cup double.

Should the FCT manager win the league outright, he could rue his team’s Canesten Combi Cup semi-final performance this weekend. The former cup winners failed to register an away goal in their sibling derby with Headless Chickens.

In the other semi, Northern Monkeys took a two-goal lead over St Reatham FC thanks to Per Mertesacker and David Silva.

The second leg will take place this weekend.

Canesten Combi Cup semi-final first leg results

Northern Monkeys 2 – 0 St Reatham FC

Headless Chickens 0 – 0 FC Testiculadew

Kenna table

Kenna week 32 - 15 April 2014

Kenna week 32 – 15 April 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Team Panda Rules OK George 32 1
2 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 29 1
3 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 26 0
4 Piedmonte Phil 25 1
5 Pikey Scum Jack 25 0
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 24 0
7 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 24 0
8 KS West Green Stix 23 0
9 Northern Monkeys Hugo 22 2
10 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 20 1
11 St. Reatham FC Mike 20 0
12 Newington Reds Dudley 19 1
13 Just put Carles Carles 18 0
14 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 17 1
15 PSV Mornington El Pons 17 0
16 Young Boys Denney 16 0
17 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 15 0
18 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 14 0
19 FC Testiculadew James N 13 0
20 Dynamo Charlton Alex 11 1
21 Headless Chickens John N 11 0
22 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 7 0
23 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 5 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Fabianski, L – ARS – GK
Club Unsigned

Second double no laughing matter

Ming the Merciless

Fools: Managers are being shown up as a bunch of jokers by an FC Testiculadew manager building his empire (photo courtesy of xndrnz)

WAY past midday on 1 April the FC Testiculadew manager is still making fools of the rest of the Kenna League.

Cup results - 1 April 2014

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final results – 1 April 2014

Goals from Kevin Mirallas, Juan Mata and a brace from Edin Dzeko saw the sinister, handwringing cackle of the Bramble Baron move one step closer to an unprecedented second Kenna double.

Sweeping aside bottom-of-the-table PSV Mornington 5-2 in the Canesten Combi Cup quarter final, the FCT manager has set up a juicy semi final against his sibling at Headless Chickens. The tie is a replay of the May 2012 final FCT won to claim the league and cup double.

Despite a midfield boasting convicted child murderer Stuart Hazell, Northern Monkeys clinched their tie to set up a semi final with St Reatham FC. Kenna HQ detractors will be pleased to see them move ahead at the expense of two committee members.

The free-scoring form of Peter Odemwingie means second-placed Piedmonte are still in with an outside chance of challenging for the title, but with seven weeks left in the season the trophyless manager is fast running out of time.

The door is slightly ajar for Judean Peoples’ Front too. The Anders Breivik lookalike manager’s team stayed in the race with a double from Jay Rodriguez.

The rest of the league’s top half can only hope to secure the Wenger Trophy.

Meanwhile, it looks like the writing’s on the wall for Spartak Mogadishu, Dulwich Red Sox and PSV Mornington – Pussy Riot to the FCT manager’s Vladimir Putin.

Kenna table

Kenna week 30 - 1 April 2014

Kenna week 30 – 1 April 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Just put Carles Carles 53 2
2 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 53 2
3 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 52 2
4 St. Reatham FC Mike 50 2
5 FC Testiculadew James N 48 4
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 44 1
7 Team Panda Rules OK George 44 1
8 Pikey Scum Jack 42 2
9 Piedmonte Phil 41 3
10 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 39 4
11 Headless Chickens John N 34 1
12 Newington Reds Dudley 32 0
13 KS West Green Stix 29 0
14 PSV Mornington El Pons 28 2
15 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 27 3
16 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 27 1
17 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 27 1
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 26 0
19 Young Boys Denney 26 0
20 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 25 2
21 Northern Monkeys Hugo 23 1
22 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 21 1
23 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 14 1
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Dzeko, E – MCY – STR
Club FC Testiculadew

FCT Putin the boot in

Vladimir Putin

On target: The Russian leader and the FC Testiculadew manager are wiping the floor with the opposition.

IMPERIAL aggression, hasty plebiscites in obscure lands and a Christian Benteke goal mean history looks to be repeating itself both in European geopolitics and the Kenna League.

Just as it turns out that inside every Ukrainian there’s an armed Russian wearing a balaclava just waiting to get out, so FC Testiculadew have emerged from the pack as favourites to lift the title.

Cup results - 25 March 2014

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final first leg results

Despite plenty of goals for Piedmonte (Long and Odemwingie) and Judean Peoples’ Front (Eriksen x2 and Rodriguez), the second and third place teams are being made to look like squabbling Western appeasers as ‘the villain of the Kenna‘ marches towards domination.

With just eight competitive weeks left, FCT’s impressive form and 28-point buffer means nothing short of World War Three will stop the manager claiming his second Kenna championship in three years.

Pikey Scum climbed into the top four, in no small part down to Newington Reds defender Kieran Gibbs being wrongfully dismissed on Saturday.

Whether the red card is rescinded remains to be seen, but Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain’s lucky escape has put KS West Green above Headless Chickens and Hairy Fadjeetas – both early front runners of the campaign whose managers now seem to have run out of ideas in the league.

The Chickens boss is left to focus his attention on the Canesten Combi Cup, where his side took a three-goal lead in the quarter final first leg at West Green.

FCT look set to annex a badly-organised and ill-equipped PSV Mornington in their tie, although unlike Vlad they’ll need two weekends rather than one.

Kenna table

Kenna table week 29 - 25Mar14

Kenna table week 29 – 25Mar14

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Just put Carles Carles 48 4
2 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 39 3
3 Headless Chickens John N 37 5
4 KS West Green Stix 37 2
5 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 34 2
6 FC Testiculadew James N 33 1
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 32 2
8 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 31 1
9 Piedmonte Phil 30 2
10 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 29 4
11 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 26 3
12 Northern Monkeys Hugo 26 1
13 Pikey Scum Jack 26 1
14 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 24 1
15 Young Boys Denney 23 1
16 St. Reatham FC Mike 21 2
17 Team Panda Rules OK George 21 1
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 20 0
19 Bala Rinas Lewis 15 1
20 Newington Reds Dudley 15 0
21 PSV Mornington El Pons 15 0
22 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 12 1
23 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 4 0
Points Player
Player of the week 20 Suarez, L – LIV – STR
Club This is Sparta…Prague

Odemwingie’s Kenna

Ian Botham

Cigar moment: Can Peter Odemwingie help the Piedmonte manager claim his first Kenna title in nine years of trying?

GOALS from the unlikeliest source saw Piedmonte climb to second with just nine weeks left in the season.

More than a year since suffering an horrific injury sustained while sleeping in his car outside Loftus Road, Peter Odemwingie appears to have recovered his fitness and confidence to score twice this weekend.

Until last month’s transfer window, the Nigerian had been passed from club to club, unable to build any sort of momentum and at one point considered less reliable than an email from his home country.

Piedmonte put £5m worth of faith in the striker in February, set club doctors about treatment of a sore neck and some discomfort in the buttock where he’d slept on his wallet, and the manager’s already got back three goals and an assist.

Whether Odemwingie can go on to inspire his team to glory, much as Ian Botham did with bat and ball against Australia in 1981, remains to be seen.

Looking at the misfits in the rest of the Piedmonte side it seems less likely than the FC Testiculadew manager dropping his villain tag.

Abandon Cup!

Canesten Combi Cup holders Spartak Mogadishu were dumped out of the competition on the weekend, but reports filtering out of Somalia suggest the club’s manager has other priorities.

Canesten Combi Cup: Last 16 results

Canesten Combi Cup: Last 16 results

Upon learning a Boeing 777 could be floating around in the Indian Ocean last week the Somali immediately put out to sea.

Visitors to the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility found the site deserted, save for an elderly, khat-chewing groundsman who talked of an entire community swept up in the swarthy promise of hundreds of untouched Halal meal options.

The defeat means Headless Chickens will face KS West Green in the first leg of this weekend’s quarter finals.

In a classic top-versus-bottom clash, FC Testiculadew will take on PSV Mornington after Hairy Fadjeetas added to their recent league woe by losing on points in the second leg of their match against a side managed by a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola.

In the other last 16 tie settled on points, Northern Monkeys beat Rapids de Cullons, and will face Newington Reds this weekend.

The winners of that fixture will play either St Reatham FC or the treasurer’s team Bala Rinas.

Kenna table

Kenna week 28 - 18 March 2014

Kenna week 28 – 18 March 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Piedmonte Phil 39 4
2 Young Boys Denney 32 1
3 KS West Green Stix 32 0
4 Pikey Scum Jack 31 1
5 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 28 0
6 Team Panda Rules OK George 26 0
7 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 25 2
8 Bala Rinas Lewis 25 0
9 Headless Chickens John N 24 1
10 Northern Monkeys Hugo 24 1
11 St. Reatham FC Mike 24 1
12 PSV Mornington El Pons 23 1
13 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 21 0
14 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 19 1
15 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 18 0
16 Newington Reds Dudley 17 0
17 FC Testiculadew James N 15 1
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 14 0
19 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 13 0
20 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 13 0
21 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 11 1
22 Just put Carles Carles 11 0
23 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 10 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Odemwingie, P – STO – STR
Club Piedmonte

League elite enjoy ‘Oscar’s night’

Andre Schurrle

Rhineland cowboy: An Andre Schurrle hat-trick doubled his goal tally for the season (photo courtesy of dominickwinter)

CALLS for an official inquiry have been heard around the Kenna after teams led by two high-ranking league officials registered resounding cup victories in what was otherwise a quiet week for goals.

In the first leg of the Canesten Combi Cup last 16 fixtures, KS West Green and Bala Rinas – managed by the Kenna chairman and treasurer respectively – both scored four shots on target, or ‘got an Oscar’s night‘, as it has recently become known.

A hat-trick for Andre Schurrle and a rare Curtis Davies strike secured a vital away win for the chairman’s side over Judean Peoples’ Front, whose manager is best known for looking like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik.

Johnny Heitinga, Romelu Lukaku and a brace from Moussa Sissoko saw Bala Rinas cruise to victory over a lacklustre Team Panda Rules OK performance.

No doubt spurred on by either ongoing events in Ukraine, a faction led by the Young Boys of Vauxhall manager has questioned the integrity of the league and called for a full investigation.

The Young Boys manager, who two days ago attacked the league for being anti-Welsh, even called for a boycott of the new improved cup wall chart, released today.

“You see this? I wouldn’t wash my car with this! And not only because it’s a piece of paper,” he fumed at his chamois.

The Chairman’s response was uncharacteristic, but made clear upon watching the YouTube video below. He said: “Yo, you want fantasy football? I got fantasy football. I got the best fantasy football.

“This area’s dry, man. You know that. I know that. Ain’t nobody arranging fantasy football but me.

“I got auctions, I got transfer windows, I got pub crawls. I’ve got the finest cup competition this area has seen in years. You need me and I need you. Let’s make this work.

“You buy entry to the league, you get entry to the cup totally free. Gratis.

“I got everything. Even a World Cup fantasy auction, baby.”

Canesten Combi Cup last 16 first leg results

Rapids De Cullons 1 – 0 Northern Monkeys

Dynamo Charlton 0 – 2 Newington Reds

St Reatham FC 0 – 0 Lokomotiv Leeds

Team Panda Rules OK 1 – 4 Bala Rinas

Judean Peoples’ Front 0 – 4 KS West Green

Headless Chickens 0 – 0 Spartak Mogadishu

FC Testiculadew 2 – 1 This is Sparta…Prague

PSV Mornington 0 – 1 Hairy Fadjeetas

Kenna table

Kenna week 26 - 4 March 2014

Kenna week 26 – 4 March 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 KS West Green Stix 33 4
2 Bala Rinas Lewis 29 4
3 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 29 1
4 Newington Reds Dudley 28 2
5 FC Testiculadew James N 25 2
6 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 25 0
7 Team Panda Rules OK George 25 0
8 Piedmonte Phil 23 1
9 Young Boys Denney 23 0
10 Just put Carles Carles 20 1
11 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 20 0
12 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 19 1
13 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 19 0
14 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 18 1
15 Dynamo Charlton Alex 17 0
16 Pikey Scum Jack 15 0
17 PSV Mornington El Pons 14 0
18 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 13 0
19 Northern Monkeys Hugo 13 0
20 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 11 0
21 St. Reatham FC Mike 10 0
22 Headless Chickens John N 8 0
23 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 6 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Schurrle, A – CHE – MID
Club KS West Green