St Reatham FC 2013/14


Mike

Last public appearance: The St Reatham FC manager

Manager: Mike (Surrey)

Twitter name: @mister76mike

Since: 2012

Last season: 20th (last place – relegated)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: In Too Deep – Genesis

Outlook (on 28 August 2013): As the catastrophe of last season unfolded, the then Woking manager faced questions on all sides. Questions from fans about the the team’s dire performances, questions from the Woking board about his ineffectual transfer dealings, questions from Europol about suspected match fixing and questions from Surrey CID about why his DNA was found splashed all over the battered corpse of a female Sky Sports News presenter abandoned on Chobham Common. Somehow his alibi stood up, the Crown Prosecution Service failed to put a convincing case together and the manager was able to attend the Kenna auction at the helm of new employer St Reatham FC.

A fresh season has brought a fresh set of questions, the biggest hanging over the potato head of the manager’s star signing Wayne Rooney. Will he stay? Will he play? Now he’s got a family will be continue to ‘play away’? How is he supposed to form a strike partnership Gerard Deulofeu when the Catalan doesn’t start a game? How does one pronounce ‘Deulofeu’? Is it ‘Jew-Low-Few’? Will the Anti-Defamation League come down on Kenna HQ like a ton of bricks for that comment? Has the Society of Black Lawyers forgotten that incident when they came down on the Kenna? Does the surname of Victor Moses qualify him for more protection from the Anti-Defamation League or would the Society of Black Lawyers take precedence? Will Victor Moses have his own Exodus? To where?

All these questions and many more will be answered over the course of the next few weeks. All the while the St Reatham FC manager will look in the mirror each morning to find an answer the most pertinent enquiry: can he get away with it again?

Foster, B WBA £0.5m
Delaney, D CRY £0.5m
Walker, K TOT £17m
Kompany, V MCY £5m
Sagna, B ARS £5m
Giaccherini, E SUN £0.5m
Nolan, K WHU £0.5m 
Moses, V CHE £0.5m
Dyer, N SWA £3m
Deulofeu, G EVE £16m
Rooney, W MUN £39m
£100m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £10m, remaining budget: £4m, net loss: £6m

(Hyperlink denotes from which club player was bought)

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Value
GK Mannone, V SUN Free GK Foster, B WBA £0.5m
MID Yoshida, M SOT Free DEF Kompany, V MCY £5m
MID Westwood, A AVL Free MID Ramirez, G SOT £0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Value
DEF Martin, R NOR Free DEF Delaney, D CRY £0.5m
MID Diame, M WHU Free MID Giaccherini, E SUN £0.5m
MID Ramirez, G SOT Free MID Nolan, K WHU £0.5m
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3 Comments on “St Reatham FC 2013/14”

  1. Luke Jones says:

    Stix I never submitted my team name and seems as you haven’t announced my than yet can I rename them please? Pretty please?

    Dulwich Red Sox – Incorporates my house move since Lurliner Gardens to Dulwich! Scouse connection….and in homage to this summers failure of the decision referral system in the ashes I can be more affectionately known as DRS!

    Cheers mate

    Kind Regards
    Luke Jones

  2. Luke Jones says:

    Apologies this should have read,

    Mr Chairman,

    After careful consideration at 5 am on a jet lagged, humid cancun morning on the first day of my sparsely deserved holiday, while my wife is still dead to the world I find my mind wandering towards the Kenna…

    I never submitted my team name and seeing as you haven’t announced my team yet can I rename them please? Pretty please?

    Dulwich Red Sox – Incorporates my house move since Lurliner Gardens to Dulwich! Scouse connection….and in homage to this summers failure of the decision referral system in the ashes I can be more affectionately known as DRS!

    Much obliged

    The DRS manager.

    Kind Regards
    Luke Jones

  3. The Chairman says:

    That’s nothing to worry about. I was in Cancun in December and regularly found myself thinking and talking about the Kenna. To anyone who would listen. Particularly after a couple of margaritas.

    As for the team name change, if you pay your subs it’s not a problem.

    Re: being affectionately known as a failure. I think that’s already an accepted Kenna practice.


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