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Appeal launched after cabbie drives off with the Kenna


KENNA HQ has put out an urgent lost property alert across London after a black taxi disappeared with items essential to the league on Saturday night.

The Bramble Jersey, auction hammer and literally the keys to Kenna HQ among the effects lost following an unusual chain of events on Regent Street at around 11pm.

The chairman and two Kenna managers were making their way from the pre-season fantasy football auction at The Carpenter’s Arms in Marylebone to meet other league members for a debrief at the Empire Casino in Leicester Square.

Disembarking from a London black taxi to retrieve fare payment from a cash machine, the chairman’s party were stunned to find upon return that the cabbie had ‘done one’.

The joy of realising they had skipped a £15 fare was soon overtaken by anxiety when the chairman revealed all the Kenna auction equipment was still in the taxi.

“It was most singular,” the chairman told the Transport for London lost property office this morning. “There was a black bag containing an old HP laptop, a Wigan Athletic Titus Bramble shirt and the keys to Kenna HQ, as well as a wooden wine box holding an Alpine cow bell, a bicycle horn and two decks of pornographic playing cards.

“Aside from the playing cards, these items are of little value to anyone but absolutely essential to the smooth running of the Kenna League auction.”

The incident marred what had otherwise been a great day in celebration of the Kenna’s 10th anniversary auction.

A total of 17 managers took part in proceedings in the upstairs room of a most welcoming pub The Carpenter’s Arms, with one manager linked live via Skype from Switzerland.

Managers toasted the future success of the league with champagne donated by the FC Testiculadew manager using the winnings from his recent win of the Emerson World Cup, before the auction started just after 3pm.

For the first time in years, no manager fell foul of the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling, although the Greendale Rockets boss came close after being caught in a bid for a second Chelsea player.

All eyes now turn to the coming Saturday, where managers will find out just how ill-judged their auction purchases were.

Final teams will be published over the coming days.

The chairman issued a message to the hasty cabbie: “Thanks for the free ride but please hand in these items to the proper authorities immediately, if you haven’t already done so.

“Keep a few of the playing cards for your own delectation if desired, we don’t use these for the auction anymore.”

So mediocre it can be seen from space

SATELLITE images of what was thought to be wreckage of the missing Malaysia Airlines flight were found floating in the Kenna League this week.

Initially identified as the debris as pieces of MH370, closer inspection revealed them to be at least three mid-table Kenna teams that have made little to no impact this season.

Families of the plane’s missing passengers were dealt a fresh blow when it turned what they thought might be a clue to the whereabouts of their loved ones was actually Rapids de Cullons CF‘s under-performing midfield of Mikeal Arteta, Steven Pienaar, Jonathan de Guzman and Ashley Young.

At the top of the Kenna this week, FC Testiculadew looked to have edged even closer to the trophy on Tuesday after two goals from Edin Dzeko, but last night Piedmonte‘s Steven Gerrard and Mark Noble both found the net to keep the second-placed team’s slender hopes alive.

It ain’t over yet, McGavin!” tweeted the Piedmonte manager.

Young Boys manager makes Kenna chairmanship race claim

Sheep shagger

Sheep shagger: The league treasurer (pictured here) is among a small contingent of Welshmen in the Kenna (photo courtesy of vikingaero)

THE Young Boys of Vauxhall manager has claimed he would have been “Kenna chairman for more than 10 years” had he not been a sheep shagger.

The Welshman makes the claims in an authorised biography serialised by the Sunday Times.

“I believe if I was English, I would have been Kenna chairman for more than 10 years – it’s as simple as that,” said the Young Boys boss, who won the league in 2011 and the Canesten Combi Cup in 2009.

Kenna HQ is aware of the claims but declined to comment.

The manager of Young Boys, who joined the Kenna in 2007 and is now in his sixth year of campaigning, claimed: “I think the Kenna wished I shagged Hereford cattle or Suffolk pigs. I had the credibility, performance-wise, to be chairman.

“There is a ceiling and although no-one has ever said it, I believe it’s made of wool.”

“The chairman now does a rubbish job,” said the Young Boys manager. “It’s embarrassing. I keep asking myself, ‘what have I done?’

“I’ve asked myself many times why I wasn’t [made chairman]. I keep coming up with the same answer. It’s the sheep’s blood on my trousers.”

Detractors claim the comments are sour grapes from the manager, who has become an increasingly bitter and isolated figure with his team’s decline in the last two years, culminating in an outspoken rant at the incumbent chairman in November for changes to the Canesten Combi Cup.

Young Boys sit one place above the relegation zone and are already out of this season’s Canesten.

The other two Welshmen in the Kenna are the Bala Rinas manager – who is also league treasurer – and Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager.

Danny Graham survives scrape with Pirates

Pirates plank

Released: When the Pirates realised Danny Graham was no longer eligible for the Kenna League they tossed him off (credit: Pirate Johnny).

By the Still Don’t Know Yet manager

A FLEET of Royal Navy ships has been deployed off the north east coast in an attempt to ward off the possibility of further pirate attacks following the brief abduction of a Middlesbrough football player.

Danny Graham had only just transferred to Boro from Kenna League team Still Don’t Know Yet when the incident happened on Friday night.

A pirate raiding party sailed up the River Tees to the club’s Riverside Stadium, where a landing party disembarked, captured the striker, and took him back on board.

However, after realising that Graham was ineligible to play for anyone but Middlesbrough (and useless at football so of little use for ransom), he was swiftly released almost as suddenly as he was captured.

“Yaaarrrrr, t’was an administrative error,” said a pirate spokesman as their ship sailed back towards Somalia.

Manager to Skype in from Alpine hideout

Chobham Common

Road to perdition: The St Reatham FC manager has been wanted by police since Natalie Sawyer’s bloodied corpse was found on Chobham Common in April (photo courtesy of GanMed 64)

SUSPECTED murderer the St Reatham FC manager has admitted he will not be able to attend Friday’s Kenna transfer window in person for fear of being apprehended by authorities.

Speaking from his hideout in Switzerland, the manager said he would have to bid over Skype in the Kenna transfer auction while the heinous crime committed in south east England last year remains unsolved.

Surrey Police have wanted to question the current St Reatham manager since last April when the battered corpse of Sky Sports News presenter Natalie Sawyer was found by a dog walker on Chobham Common.

Then in charge of Kenna club Woking, the manager was the last person seen with Ms Sawyer after a taking a punditry screen test for Sky Sports News.

A huge fan of Brentford Football Club, it is thought Sawyer was lured by the Surrey man into his car with the promise of showing her some Bees memorabilia.

Many thought the pressure of poor performances in the league, which saw the Woking manager take the Bramble jersey at the transfer window this time last year, had led to him savagely beating the sports anchor to death.

Their manager on the run, Woking finished bottom of the table in May.

Police later retrieved a tire iron and a Phil Collins CD – both smeared with the manager’s DNA and forensically linked to the crime scene – hidden behind some old training cones at the Woking practice ground.

The St Reatham FC manager said yesterday: “Due to my enforced stay in the non-EU safe haven of Switzerland, I have been unable to send a postcard [with players to be released].

“Until I can prove my innocence I’m confined to Basel. Therefore I will need to Skype in.”

Kenna managers had until today to submit their unwanted players to the league – by post for a transfer bonus of £10m or by any other communication for £5m.

Gathered in The Enterprise in Holborn on Friday evening, managers will fill the gaps in their teams at auction.

Like Rat from a sinking rat


Life in the gutter: Razvan Rat looks likely to be released from the Kenna League ahead of this Friday’s transfer window (photo courtesy of gynti_46)

RAZVAN Rat is one of eleven players likely to be jettisoned by his club tomorrow as Kenna League managers prepare for this Friday’s transfer window.

The Romanian defender was signed by Dynamo Charlton in August for £3m, but will surely be given the heave ho having been told to scurry away from the Premier League last week.

Another disappointed rat will be the Dulwich Red Sox manager, who sees his £24m striker Dimitar Berbatov slouch off to the French Riviera.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager was also given plenty more to complain about as the £20m pair of Yohan Cabaye and Danny Graham went their separate ways.

Floundering at 16th in the Kenna table, the under-pressure manager is the subject of an investigation from the league’s manager experiences department after being caught up in a vicious Twitter rant at the chairman.

Samurai’s Danny Osvaldo is set to leave Newington Reds for Italy, Philipe Senderos will depart from Pikey Scum for Spain and the decision to ‘release Bryan’ is an expensive one for KS West Green.

Meanwhile, four managers find themselves Titus Bramble tied – they now have two players from the same Premier League club and must release one tomorrow.

FC Testiculadew will surely keep Juan Mata over Rafael, but three other managers find some pretty tough choices to make.

As well as a rat, or lack of a rat, problem, the Dynamo manager has the humdinger of picking between striker Peter Odemwingie and defender Erik Pieters, now both plying their trade in the potteries.

Anders Brievik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager must choose between goalkeeper Allan McGregor or striker Nikica Jelavic. McGregor’s red card makes it likely the Croat will stay.

Bottom-of-the-table PSV Mornington, now being managed by a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola since the former boss was sacked just before Christmas, will probably keep regular starter Leroy ‘The Bouncer’ Fer over a crocked Jonas Gutierrez.


Dimitar Berbatov (£24m) – Dulwich Red Sox

Yohan Cabaye (£11), Danny Graham (£9m) – Still Don’t Know Yet

Bryan Ruiz (£14m) – KS West Green

Razvan Rat (£3m) – Dynamo Charlton

Philipe Senderos (£2m) – Pikey Scum

Danny Osvaldo (£1.5m) – Newington Green

Bramble tied

FC Testiculadew – Juan Mata or Rafael

PSV Mornington – Jonas Gutierrez or Leroy Fer

Dynamo Charlton – Peter Odemwingie or Erik Pieters

Judean Peoples’ Front – Allan McGregor or Nikica Jelavic