Transfer night turd ‘cost me third’
Posted: May 19, 2014 Filed under: Weekly updates | Tags: anders breivik, fantasy football, football, premier league, samir nasri, soccer Leave a commentTHE Judean Peoples’ Front manager has claimed an ill-timed call of nature at the second transfer window flushed away his chances of finishing third in this season’s Kenna League.
Having occupied the number three spot for over three months as the season approached its back end, Judean Peoples’ Front were wiped down to fourth on the penultimate week of the campaign by rival Welsh manager’s side Bala Rinas.
The JPF manager, who bears an unfortunate resemblance to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, says an untimely visit to the pub gents during the transfer window in February meant he missed out on key target Samir Nasri. The Frenchman’s services would have ensured JPF a place on the podium.
As it is, while the JPF manager was in consultation with this number two, Bala Rinas signed Nasri for £2.5m and shot to third, his best ever finish.
The Breivik lookalike maintains insider knowledge of his unusually lengthy toiletting habits were used by the Bala manager, who is also the Kenna treasurer, to secure Nasri while he was dropping the kids off at the pool.
“I would have come third if I hadn’t gone for a shit. It’s as simple as that,” said the JPF manager yesterday.
“The treasurer, he’s a sneaky one. He knew I had more money than him on that transfer night and that I wanted Nasri. He knows I take a long time to park the fudge, so he waited for me to crimp one off and signed the midfielder on the cheap.”
This is the second time Samir Nasri has unwittingly found himself at the centre of this season’s Kenna League narrative.
Many managers were stunned the Frenchman was available in the first place.
The Piedmonte manager inexplicably released Nasri ahead of the second transfer window in favour of the services of Andros Townsend.
Presented with a genuine shot at the title two months ago, Piedmonte eventually hit the skids while Nasri flourished. For the second time, the Wulfrunian manager finds himself at number 2 – his ninth tilt at the title down the pan.
Had the Piedmonte manager kept the French midfielder he would now be sitting on the Kenna throne.
Instead, it is FC Testiculadew who today were confirmed as winners of the league, to be added to last week’s Canesten Combi Cup victory.
Asked today how he has masterminded two Kenna doubles in just three seasons, the FCT manager said: “It’s a giddy mix of knowledge, preparation and luck.”
In further comments that will not endear the already unpopular manager to the rest of the league, he continued: “Having said that, I’d consider ourselves unlucky this season. Had the lady smiled on us, rest assured your crushing under foot would have been far more emphatic.
“We’d have ripped your heads off and shat down each and everyone of your necks, real diarrhoea style.”
The league committee will be reviewing pub buffet arrangements ahead of the 2014 Emerson World Cup auction next month.
Kenna table – final standings
Weekly scores
Manager |
Points |
Goals |
||
1 |
Pikey Scum | Jack | 8 | 1 |
2 |
Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 7 | 1 |
3 |
PSV Mornington | El Pons | 7 | 1 |
4 |
KS West Green | Stix | 4 | 1 |
5 |
Team Panda Rules OK | George | 4 | 0 |
6 |
FC Testiculadew | James N | 2 | 0 |
7 |
Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 2 | 0 |
8 |
Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 2 | 0 |
9 |
Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 1 | 0 |
10 |
Just put Carles | Carles | 1 | 0 |
11 |
Newington Reds | Dudley | 1 | 0 |
12 |
Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 1 | 0 |
13 |
St. Reatham FC | Mike | 1 | 0 |
14 |
Bala Rinas | Lewis | 0 | 0 |
15 |
Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 0 | 0 |
16 |
Headless Chickens | John N | 0 | 0 |
17 |
Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 0 | 0 |
18 |
Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 0 | 0 |
19 |
Piedmonte | Phil | 0 | 0 |
20 |
Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 0 | 0 |
21 |
Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 0 | 0 |
22 |
This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 0 | 0 |
23 |
Young Boys | Denney | 0 | 0 |
Points |
Player | |||
Player of the week |
8 |
Quinn, S – HUL – MID | ||
Club |
Unsigned |
FCT Veuve leaves challengers Pol Rogered
Posted: May 12, 2014 Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup, Weekly updates | Tags: fantasy football, premier league, soccer, sports, tour de france Leave a commentDURING the final stage of the Tour de France it’s customary for the cyclist wearing the yellow jersey to toast his journey into Paris with a glass of champagne.
Even though there are still 100 or so kilometres to go at the start of the day, a challenge for the top spot in cycling on such a flat leg is considered over after a month of punishing mountains, gruelling time trials and simple French country folk. It’s also considered ungentlemanly.
Ironic then that the man who killed the chivalrous spirit of the Kenna by discovering the sharp practice of tactical Brambling finds himself in a similar champagne finish in the league this week as his team march inexorably towards the elysian fields of an unprecedented second Kenna double.
A goal from Juan Mata and two from the irrepressible Edin Dzeko saw FC Testiculadew beat Northern Monkeys 3-2 in the Canesten Combi Cup final this week. FCT now only have one more match to negotiate until adding the league title to a groaning club trophy cabinet.
Barring an unlikely 12 goals on Saturday from second-placed Piedmonte‘s Shane Long, the FCT manager will pick up two Kenna doubles in three seasons, potentially making him the most successful Kenna boss of all time.
Agonisingly for the Piedmonte manager, the fact remains that getting rid of Samir Nasri at the February transfer window cost him the league.
In the battle for third, the league treasurer’s team Bala Rinas are putting in a sprint finish to stake a claim over rival Welshman the Judean Peoples’ Front manager.
JPF were in the top three for 13 weeks until now, but are in danger of dropping even further down the table if Team Panda Rules OK striker Olivier Giroud can continue his streak this weekend, or in the remote chance Ahmed Elmohamady and Laurent Koscielny have the game of their lives for Pikey Scum.
In the jostle of the peloton no amount of substance abuse will make the season anything but an exercise in mediocrity.
Bringing up the rear in Bramble Jerseys, the bottom three found themselves aching and tangled in a barbed wire fence on a rural roadside in the Auvergne sometime ago. P45s await, or in one case was an early Christmas present.
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 55 | 6 |
2 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 47 | 3 |
3 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 37 | 3 |
4 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 36 | 2 |
5 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 36 | 0 |
6 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 33 | 0 |
7 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 32 | 0 |
8 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 31 | 2 |
9 | Just put Carles | Carles | 31 | 1 |
10 | Piedmonte | Phil | 31 | 0 |
11 | Headless Chickens | John N | 29 | 1 |
12 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 28 | 2 |
13 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 28 | 1 |
14 | Young Boys | Denney | 28 | 1 |
15 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 26 | 0 |
16 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 24 | 0 |
17 | KS West Green | Stix | 20 | 1 |
18 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 18 | 0 |
19 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 17 | 0 |
20 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 16 | 1 |
21 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 14 | 1 |
22 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 10 | 0 |
23 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 6 | 0 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 18 | Zabaleta, P – MCY – DEF | ||
Club | Dynamo Charlton |
‘Kurwa’ suds
Posted: May 6, 2014 Filed under: Weekly updates | Tags: fantasy football, premier league, soccer, sports Leave a commentTURKISH convenience stores seldom come less complete than the premises around the corner from Kenna HQ.
Marathon opening hours, ready access to tonic water and fresh limes, and a proprietor always up for a discussion on the latest developments at Galatasaray mean the chairman is often found locked in conversation over a can of Coke, litre of Delmonte orange juice or 10 Camel Lights.
During one particularly lengthy debate on the decline of Wesley Sneijder while buying a 750ml bottle of Leffe Brune, it emerged the shop’s cash cow is beer, a large array of which dominates one refrigerated wall.
What has this to do with the Kenna title race? There are two parallels.
First, much like Gala in the Turkish Super Lig, Piedmonte find themselves well and truly beaten into second place this week. Two goals from Edin Dzeko have put FC Testiculadew well in control of the Kenna: 53 points ahead with 10 days to go.
It would take hat-tricks from Shane Long, Peter Odemwingie, Mark Noble, Jason Puncheon and no more slip ups from Steve Gerrard this Sunday to get Pies back in contention. A remote scenario considering the second parallel.
Tweeting a photo of two cans of Polish beer about to be consumed in public can only confirm the Piedmonte boss has lost interest in his side’s pursuit of the Kenna title and has turned into the average customer of the International Food Centre.
Gotta love an 8.30am train to Oldham! C’mon You Pies! @Official_NCFC #stayingup #ShaunDerrysBlackAndWhiteArmy pic.twitter.com/XV71tbKNLl
— Phil Davis (@PhillyD55) May 3, 2014
It’s only a matter of time before he’s sitting on a park bench in an obscure replica football shirt, fiercely telling anyone who’ll listen about the two times he almost won the Kenna, while seamlessly inserting the word ‘kurwa’ three times into each sentence without breaking syntax (see demonstration below).
Looking ahead to this weekend, the FC Testiculadew manager has the chance to scoop his second double in three seasons as his team face Northern Monkeys in the Canesten Combi Cup final.
Considering FCT have scored 2.83 goals a week for the last six and Northern Monkeys just 1.16, the bookies are favouring the Tactical Brambler.
Should the tie be a draw, the final will be decided on number of points scored.
In the unlikely event the two sides are equal on goals and points, a tie breaker will be played over the last weekend of the season, on goals then points.
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 38 | 2 |
2 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 38 | 1 |
3 | Piedmonte | Phil | 36 | 1 |
4 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 32 | 2 |
5 | Just put Carles | Carles | 30 | 2 |
6 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 28 | 2 |
7 | Headless Chickens | John N | 28 | 0 |
8 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 27 | 1 |
9 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 26 | 2 |
10 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 22 | 1 |
11 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 22 | 1 |
12 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 22 | 0 |
13 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 20 | 1 |
14 | KS West Green | Stix | 19 | 1 |
15 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 19 | 0 |
16 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 19 | 0 |
17 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 18 | 1 |
18 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 17 | 0 |
19 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 17 | 0 |
20 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 13 | 0 |
21 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 13 | 0 |
22 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 11 | 1 |
23 | Young Boys | Denney | 10 | 0 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 12 | Weimann, A – AVL – STR | ||
Club | Unsigned |
Only one Breivik kidney
Posted: April 30, 2014 Filed under: Weekly updates | Tags: alex oxlade-chamberlain, fantasy football, premier league, soccer Leave a commentROUTS don’t come much more convincing than FC Testiculadew’s league win two seasons ago, but the same manager is poised to scoop another title with ease albeit without making such a mockery of the other competitors.
Goals from Edin Dzeko, Jonjo Shelvey, Mesut Ozil and a brace from Juan Mata have put FC Testiculadew 61 points clear of the nearest challenger with three weeks to go – all but delivering the trophy to the self-confessed Tactical Brambler.
For a while the Piedmonte manager appeared to be making a genuine case for a grandstand finish, but like a Nigerian striker getting in his 4×4 after an ambiguous conversation with a club suit, that looks to have petered out.
Despite also showing strong signs of promise in the manager’s fifth Kenna season, Judean Peoples’ Front failed to live up to the task. Now more than 100 points off the leaders, the Anders Brievik lookalike‘s woes add fuel to the argument that to be truly competitive at this level a manager needs both kidneys.
The organ grinder is still calling the tune for the dancing monkeys battling it out for fourth. The debutant manager of Team Panda Rules OK saw his side come to within two points of the league treasurer’s team Bala Rinas. Defending champions Sporting Lesbian also compete.
A remarkable turnaround this season has come from Young Boys of Vauxhall. The manager made eight changes to his struggling side at the February transfer window and this week finds his side climbing one place further from the danger zone.
Taking to social media last week, the Young Boys manager was quick to point out the prolific form of controversial signing Martin ‘the ginned up lollypop lady’ Demichelis in comparison to other more recognised names.
The KS West Green manager was only to happy to remind his midfielder Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain of this little stat when he bumped into him at a charity dinner last night.
@jeffkennaleague The ginned up lolly pop lady has now scored as many EPL goals this season as The Ox, Ashley Young, Cisse, Michu and Caroll
— Andrew Denney (@andenney) April 22, 2014
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 53 | 5 |
2 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 41 | 3 |
3 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 34 | 3 |
4 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 33 | 1 |
5 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 30 | 0 |
6 | Piedmonte | Phil | 28 | 1 |
7 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 28 | 1 |
8 | Young Boys | Denney | 27 | 0 |
9 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 26 | 1 |
10 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 25 | 1 |
11 | Headless Chickens | John N | 23 | 1 |
12 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 22 | 2 |
13 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 22 | 1 |
14 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 22 | 1 |
15 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 20 | 1 |
16 | KS West Green | Stix | 20 | 0 |
17 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 18 | 0 |
18 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 13 | 0 |
19 | Just put Carles | Carles | 11 | 0 |
20 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 10 | 0 |
21 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 10 | 0 |
22 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 6 | 0 |
23 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 5 | 0 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 15 | Wickham, C – SUN – STR | ||
Club | Unsigned |
Belgians broken but Bramble Baron on brink of bumper brace
Posted: April 22, 2014 Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup, Weekly updates | Tags: fantasy football, Kevin Mirallas, premier league, soccer, sports, title race Leave a commentKEVIN Mirallas and Christian Benteke may be a mini Belgian injury crisis for FC Testiculadew, but the club still moved one step closer to a second Kenna double in three campaigns this week with an assured display.
On his way to the physio’s bench winger Mirallas notched two goals to put the side managed by the founder of tactical Brambling both in the Canesten Combi Cup final and extend their lead over Piedmonte to 36 points.
Hopes of snatching the title at the final fence look even more remote for the Piedmonte manager even though his side put in another solid week led again by Jason Puncheon. If only he’d kept Samir Nasri – the Frenchman picked up a goal and an assist to help Bala Rinas into fourth place.
With just four weeks left of the season and relegation all but rubber stamped for the bottom three clubs, the race for the Wenger Trophy is shaping up to take centre stage in the league’s remaining narrative.
Just 30 points separate the five clubs floating around the final prize spot, and the cast are varied: Sporting Lesbian are defending champions, Team Panda Rules OK debutants and the other three managers are league committee members yet to find silverware in the quagmire of political intrigue at Kenna HQ.
Another subplot is the miraculous cup run of Northern Monkeys. The manager voiced concerns over the ability of Samuel Eto’o and Fabio Borini back in February, but the pair earned the Monkeys a place in the final at the expense of a toothless St Reatham FC.
It seems unlikely the Monkeys’ luck will continue into the pageantry of that May afternoon. With David Silva possibly out injured for the rest of the season, the midfield consists of Antonio Valencia, Stewart Downing and forfeit player Stuart Hazell.
No amount of cash in the attic could buy a goal for that lot.
Road to the Canesten Combi Cup final
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 60 | 5 |
2 | KS West Green | Stix | 48 | 2 |
3 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 41 | 2 |
4 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 41 | 2 |
5 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 41 | 1 |
6 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 37 | 2 |
7 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 35 | 0 |
8 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 34 | 2 |
9 | Just put Carles | Carles | 30 | 2 |
10 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 30 | 2 |
11 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 30 | 2 |
12 | Piedmonte | Phil | 30 | 1 |
13 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 26 | 0 |
14 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 25 | 2 |
15 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 25 | 0 |
16 | Headless Chickens | John N | 23 | 1 |
17 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 20 | 1 |
18 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 17 | 0 |
19 | Young Boys | Denney | 16 | 1 |
20 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 16 | 0 |
21 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 16 | 0 |
22 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 14 | 0 |
23 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 13 | 1 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 24 | Podolski, L – ARS – STR | ||
Club | Sporting Lesbian |
Kenna HQ in tie-break farce
Posted: April 14, 2014 Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup, Weekly updates | Tags: fantasy football, premier league, soccer, sports, tie-break Leave a commentBLUNDERING blazers at Kenna HQ are desperately scrabbling to find a tie-break solution after chances mounted this week that the top two clubs could end the season on the same points and goals.
Another notch from in-form Jason Puncheon and an assist from Steve Gerrard helped Piedmonte close the gap on league leaders FC Testiculadew to just 25 points. With five weeks left of the campaign only two goals scored separates the sides.
What’s now being billed as the closest Kenna title race ever could turn into a shambles as bungling officials at league headquarters admitted there was no contingency plan should two sides end level on points and goals scored.
An extraordinary committee meeting was convoked earlier today to discuss a solution.
Leaked minutes revealed the Kenna executive is considering a number of tie-break options, which include going down to points scored in the final week, ranking the teams on the number of clean sheets kept or declaring the 10-month competition a draw.
One committee member even suggested managers sending in a one-minute video plea for the championship so the rest of the league could vote on the most deserving.
The news will be of severe concern to both the Piedmonte and FCT managers, the former hoping for his first title in nine years of trying and the latter in the hunt for an unprecedented second Kenna league and cup double.
Should the FCT manager win the league outright, he could rue his team’s Canesten Combi Cup semi-final performance this weekend. The former cup winners failed to register an away goal in their sibling derby with Headless Chickens.
In the other semi, Northern Monkeys took a two-goal lead over St Reatham FC thanks to Per Mertesacker and David Silva.
The second leg will take place this weekend.
Canesten Combi Cup semi-final first leg results
Northern Monkeys 2 – 0 St Reatham FC
Headless Chickens 0 – 0 FC Testiculadew
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 32 | 1 |
2 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 29 | 1 |
3 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 26 | 0 |
4 | Piedmonte | Phil | 25 | 1 |
5 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 25 | 0 |
6 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 24 | 0 |
7 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 24 | 0 |
8 | KS West Green | Stix | 23 | 0 |
9 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 22 | 2 |
10 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 20 | 1 |
11 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 20 | 0 |
12 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 19 | 1 |
13 | Just put Carles | Carles | 18 | 0 |
14 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 17 | 1 |
15 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 17 | 0 |
16 | Young Boys | Denney | 16 | 0 |
17 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 15 | 0 |
18 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 14 | 0 |
19 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 13 | 0 |
20 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 11 | 1 |
21 | Headless Chickens | John N | 11 | 0 |
22 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 7 | 0 |
23 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 5 | 0 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 12 | Fabianski, L – ARS – GK | ||
Club | Unsigned |
Table top heavyweights Puncheon it out
Posted: April 8, 2014 Filed under: Weekly updates | Tags: fantasy football, jason puncheon, premier league, soccer, sports Leave a commentBREATHLESS attacking football from two teams challenging for the Kenna title lit up the league with six weeks left of the season.
FC Testiculadew may have extended their lead by two points at the top with goals from Juan Mata and Edin Dzeko, but led by Jason Puncheon’s player-of-the-week performance and a double strike from Stevie G, Piedmonte refused to let up.
In the tightest Kenna since Vasco De Beauvoir pipped Insomnia’s Titans in 2010, FCT and the Pies find themselves like two sluggers in the ring Puncheon it out, which makes a refreshing change from the midfielder’s reputation for Puncheon one off mid match.
Whether either side can maintain this scintillating offensive play for the rest of the title race is uncertain. FCT have lost striker Christian Benteke for the rest of the season through injury and the imminent return of KS West Green striker Sergio Aguero could mean demotion to the bench for Dzeko.
From the Piedmonte perspective, it would take a Herculean effort from their ragtag bunch of misfits to overhaul a 47-point gap in the handful of games left.
What is clear is that Judean Peoples’ Front have dropped out of the race, their chances of competing stretchered off along with Jay Rodriguez on Saturday afternoon.
Looking ahead to the weekend, FCT are still in the hunt for a Kenna double. They take on Headless Chickens in a semi final first leg sibling derby.
Last year’s bottom-placed manager, now in charge of St Reatham FC, appears to have overcome the anxiety that led to a dark spring night on Chobham Common and will battle it out with Northern Monkeys in the other tie.
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 49 | 3 |
2 | Piedmonte | Phil | 47 | 4 |
3 | Headless Chickens | John N | 37 | 2 |
4 | Just put Carles | Carles | 36 | 1 |
5 | Young Boys | Denney | 35 | 2 |
6 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 32 | 1 |
7 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 28 | 2 |
8 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 27 | 2 |
9 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 24 | 1 |
10 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 21 | 0 |
11 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 21 | 0 |
12 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 20 | 0 |
13 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 19 | 1 |
14 | KS West Green | Stix | 19 | 0 |
15 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 19 | 0 |
16 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 18 | 0 |
17 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 15 | 0 |
18 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 11 | 1 |
19 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 10 | 0 |
20 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 9 | 0 |
21 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 8 | 0 |
22 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 6 | 0 |
23 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 5 | 0 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 15 | Puncheon, J – CRY – MID | ||
Club | Piedmonte |
Second double no laughing matter
Posted: April 1, 2014 Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup, Weekly updates | Tags: fantasy football, premier league, soccer, sports Leave a commentWAY past midday on 1 April the FC Testiculadew manager is still making fools of the rest of the Kenna League.
Goals from Kevin Mirallas, Juan Mata and a brace from Edin Dzeko saw the sinister, handwringing cackle of the Bramble Baron move one step closer to an unprecedented second Kenna double.
Sweeping aside bottom-of-the-table PSV Mornington 5-2 in the Canesten Combi Cup quarter final, the FCT manager has set up a juicy semi final against his sibling at Headless Chickens. The tie is a replay of the May 2012 final FCT won to claim the league and cup double.
Despite a midfield boasting convicted child murderer Stuart Hazell, Northern Monkeys clinched their tie to set up a semi final with St Reatham FC. Kenna HQ detractors will be pleased to see them move ahead at the expense of two committee members.
The free-scoring form of Peter Odemwingie means second-placed Piedmonte are still in with an outside chance of challenging for the title, but with seven weeks left in the season the trophyless manager is fast running out of time.
The door is slightly ajar for Judean Peoples’ Front too. The Anders Breivik lookalike manager’s team stayed in the race with a double from Jay Rodriguez.
The rest of the league’s top half can only hope to secure the Wenger Trophy.
Meanwhile, it looks like the writing’s on the wall for Spartak Mogadishu, Dulwich Red Sox and PSV Mornington – Pussy Riot to the FCT manager’s Vladimir Putin.
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | Just put Carles | Carles | 53 | 2 |
2 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 53 | 2 |
3 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 52 | 2 |
4 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 50 | 2 |
5 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 48 | 4 |
6 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 44 | 1 |
7 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 44 | 1 |
8 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 42 | 2 |
9 | Piedmonte | Phil | 41 | 3 |
10 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 39 | 4 |
11 | Headless Chickens | John N | 34 | 1 |
12 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 32 | 0 |
13 | KS West Green | Stix | 29 | 0 |
14 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 28 | 2 |
15 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 27 | 3 |
16 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 27 | 1 |
17 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 27 | 1 |
18 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 26 | 0 |
19 | Young Boys | Denney | 26 | 0 |
20 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 25 | 2 |
21 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 23 | 1 |
22 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 21 | 1 |
23 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 14 | 1 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 17 | Dzeko, E – MCY – STR | ||
Club | FC Testiculadew |
FCT Putin the boot in
Posted: March 24, 2014 Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup, Weekly updates | Tags: crimea, fantasy football, premier league, soccer, sports, Vladimir Putin Leave a commentIMPERIAL aggression, hasty plebiscites in obscure lands and a Christian Benteke goal mean history looks to be repeating itself both in European geopolitics and the Kenna League.
Just as it turns out that inside every Ukrainian there’s an armed Russian wearing a balaclava just waiting to get out, so FC Testiculadew have emerged from the pack as favourites to lift the title.
Despite plenty of goals for Piedmonte (Long and Odemwingie) and Judean Peoples’ Front (Eriksen x2 and Rodriguez), the second and third place teams are being made to look like squabbling Western appeasers as ‘the villain of the Kenna‘ marches towards domination.
With just eight competitive weeks left, FCT’s impressive form and 28-point buffer means nothing short of World War Three will stop the manager claiming his second Kenna championship in three years.
Pikey Scum climbed into the top four, in no small part down to Newington Reds defender Kieran Gibbs being wrongfully dismissed on Saturday.
Whether the red card is rescinded remains to be seen, but Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain’s lucky escape has put KS West Green above Headless Chickens and Hairy Fadjeetas – both early front runners of the campaign whose managers now seem to have run out of ideas in the league.
The Chickens boss is left to focus his attention on the Canesten Combi Cup, where his side took a three-goal lead in the quarter final first leg at West Green.
FCT look set to annex a badly-organised and ill-equipped PSV Mornington in their tie, although unlike Vlad they’ll need two weekends rather than one.
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | Just put Carles | Carles | 48 | 4 |
2 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 39 | 3 |
3 | Headless Chickens | John N | 37 | 5 |
4 | KS West Green | Stix | 37 | 2 |
5 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 34 | 2 |
6 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 33 | 1 |
7 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 32 | 2 |
8 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 31 | 1 |
9 | Piedmonte | Phil | 30 | 2 |
10 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 29 | 4 |
11 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 26 | 3 |
12 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 26 | 1 |
13 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 26 | 1 |
14 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 24 | 1 |
15 | Young Boys | Denney | 23 | 1 |
16 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 21 | 2 |
17 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 21 | 1 |
18 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 20 | 0 |
19 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 15 | 1 |
20 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 15 | 0 |
21 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 15 | 0 |
22 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 12 | 1 |
23 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 4 | 0 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 20 | Suarez, L – LIV – STR | ||
Club | This is Sparta…Prague |
Odemwingie’s Kenna
Posted: March 18, 2014 Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup, Weekly updates | Tags: fantasy football, peter odemwingie, premier league, soccer, sports Leave a commentGOALS from the unlikeliest source saw Piedmonte climb to second with just nine weeks left in the season.
More than a year since suffering an horrific injury sustained while sleeping in his car outside Loftus Road, Peter Odemwingie appears to have recovered his fitness and confidence to score twice this weekend.
Until last month’s transfer window, the Nigerian had been passed from club to club, unable to build any sort of momentum and at one point considered less reliable than an email from his home country.
Piedmonte put £5m worth of faith in the striker in February, set club doctors about treatment of a sore neck and some discomfort in the buttock where he’d slept on his wallet, and the manager’s already got back three goals and an assist.
Whether Odemwingie can go on to inspire his team to glory, much as Ian Botham did with bat and ball against Australia in 1981, remains to be seen.
Looking at the misfits in the rest of the Piedmonte side it seems less likely than the FC Testiculadew manager dropping his villain tag.
Abandon Cup!
Canesten Combi Cup holders Spartak Mogadishu were dumped out of the competition on the weekend, but reports filtering out of Somalia suggest the club’s manager has other priorities.
Upon learning a Boeing 777 could be floating around in the Indian Ocean last week the Somali immediately put out to sea.
Visitors to the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility found the site deserted, save for an elderly, khat-chewing groundsman who talked of an entire community swept up in the swarthy promise of hundreds of untouched Halal meal options.
The defeat means Headless Chickens will face KS West Green in the first leg of this weekend’s quarter finals.
In a classic top-versus-bottom clash, FC Testiculadew will take on PSV Mornington after Hairy Fadjeetas added to their recent league woe by losing on points in the second leg of their match against a side managed by a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola.
In the other last 16 tie settled on points, Northern Monkeys beat Rapids de Cullons, and will face Newington Reds this weekend.
The winners of that fixture will play either St Reatham FC or the treasurer’s team Bala Rinas.
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | Piedmonte | Phil | 39 | 4 |
2 | Young Boys | Denney | 32 | 1 |
3 | KS West Green | Stix | 32 | 0 |
4 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 31 | 1 |
5 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 28 | 0 |
6 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 26 | 0 |
7 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 25 | 2 |
8 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 25 | 0 |
9 | Headless Chickens | John N | 24 | 1 |
10 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 24 | 1 |
11 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 24 | 1 |
12 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 23 | 1 |
13 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 21 | 0 |
14 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 19 | 1 |
15 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 18 | 0 |
16 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 17 | 0 |
17 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 15 | 1 |
18 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 14 | 0 |
19 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 13 | 0 |
20 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 13 | 0 |
21 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 11 | 1 |
22 | Just put Carles | Carles | 11 | 0 |
23 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 10 | 0 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 12 | Odemwingie, P – STO – STR | ||
Club | Piedmonte |