St Reatham FC 2013/14


Last public appearance: The St Reatham FC manager

Manager: Mike (Surrey)

Twitter name: @mister76mike

Since: 2012

Last season: 20th (last place – relegated)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: In Too Deep – Genesis

Outlook (on 28 August 2013): As the catastrophe of last season unfolded, the then Woking manager faced questions on all sides. Questions from fans about the the team’s dire performances, questions from the Woking board about his ineffectual transfer dealings, questions from Europol about suspected match fixing and questions from Surrey CID about why his DNA was found splashed all over the battered corpse of a female Sky Sports News presenter abandoned on Chobham Common. Somehow his alibi stood up, the Crown Prosecution Service failed to put a convincing case together and the manager was able to attend the Kenna auction at the helm of new employer St Reatham FC.

A fresh season has brought a fresh set of questions, the biggest hanging over the potato head of the manager’s star signing Wayne Rooney. Will he stay? Will he play? Now he’s got a family will be continue to ‘play away’? How is he supposed to form a strike partnership Gerard Deulofeu when the Catalan doesn’t start a game? How does one pronounce ‘Deulofeu’? Is it ‘Jew-Low-Few’? Will the Anti-Defamation League come down on Kenna HQ like a ton of bricks for that comment? Has the Society of Black Lawyers forgotten that incident when they came down on the Kenna? Does the surname of Victor Moses qualify him for more protection from the Anti-Defamation League or would the Society of Black Lawyers take precedence? Will Victor Moses have his own Exodus? To where?

All these questions and many more will be answered over the course of the next few weeks. All the while the St Reatham FC manager will look in the mirror each morning to find an answer the most pertinent enquiry: can he get away with it again?

Foster, B WBA £0.5m
Delaney, D CRY £0.5m
Walker, K TOT £17m
Kompany, V MCY £5m
Sagna, B ARS £5m
Giaccherini, E SUN £0.5m
Nolan, K WHU £0.5m 
Moses, V CHE £0.5m
Dyer, N SWA £3m
Deulofeu, G EVE £16m
Rooney, W MUN £39m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £10m, remaining budget: £4m, net loss: £6m

(Hyperlink denotes from which club player was bought)

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Value
GK Mannone, V SUN Free GK Foster, B WBA £0.5m
MID Yoshida, M SOT Free DEF Kompany, V MCY £5m
MID Westwood, A AVL Free MID Ramirez, G SOT £0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Value
DEF Martin, R NOR Free DEF Delaney, D CRY £0.5m
MID Diame, M WHU Free MID Giaccherini, E SUN £0.5m
MID Ramirez, G SOT Free MID Nolan, K WHU £0.5m


Manager: Mike (Surrey)

Twitter name: @mister76mike

Since: Debut

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: You’re the best around – Joe Esposito

Outlook: Tentative debut auction for the Woking manager, with dogged pursuit of Sorensen and Ireland raising eyebrows in some quarters. Twitter lawyers stood down after frozen snack expert Rio Ferdinand lost on a Bramble and replaced by Gabriel Tamas. Micah Richards sidelined with injury for a month.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling.

Krul, T NEW £4m
Baines, L EVE £22m
Cameron, G STO £5m
Scharner, P WIG £16m
Baird, C FUL £0.5m
Ramsey, A ARS £1m
Huddlestone, T (B) TOT £5m
Downing, S LIV £6.5m
Benayoun, Y WHM £8.5m
Torres, F CHE £30m
Holt, G NOR £20m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Vlaar, R AVL £6m Cameron, G STO £5m
Richards, M MCY £12m Scharner, P WIG £16m
Larsson, S SUN £9m Huddlestone, T (B) TOT £5m
Allen, J LIV £7m Downing, S LIV £6.5m
Long, S WBA £30m Torres, F CHE £30m
Hoilett, J QPR £3.5m Holt, G NOR £20m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Sorensen, T STO £4m Krul, T NEW £4m
Tamas, G (B) WBA £5.5m Vlaar, R AVL £6m
Santos, A ARS £2.5m Baird, C FUL £0.5m
Cabeye, Y NEW £17m Ramsey, A ARS £1m
Ireland, S AVL £7m Benayoun, Y WHM £8.5m
Sharp, B SOT £1.5m Long, S WBA £30m
Hernandez, J MUN £5.5m Hoilett, J QPR £3.5m