Transfer night turd ‘cost me third’

Posted: May 19, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Weekly updates | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment
Chocolate hostage

Chocolate hostage: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager claims a rival Welshman took advantage of his singular bowel movement ritual (photo: FluffyPuppy2007)

THE Judean Peoples’ Front manager has claimed an ill-timed call of nature at the second transfer window flushed away his chances of finishing third in this season’s Kenna League.

Having occupied the number three spot for over three months as the season approached its back end, Judean Peoples’ Front were wiped down to fourth on the penultimate week of the campaign by rival Welsh manager’s side Bala Rinas.

The JPF manager, who bears an unfortunate resemblance to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, says an untimely visit to the pub gents during the transfer window in February meant he missed out on key target Samir Nasri. The Frenchman’s services would have ensured JPF a place on the podium.

As it is, while the JPF manager was in consultation with this number two, Bala Rinas signed Nasri for £2.5m and shot to third, his best ever finish.

The Breivik lookalike maintains insider knowledge of his unusually lengthy toiletting habits were used by the Bala manager, who is also the Kenna treasurer, to secure Nasri while he was dropping the kids off at the pool.

“I would have come third if I hadn’t gone for a shit. It’s as simple as that,” said the JPF manager yesterday.

“The treasurer, he’s a sneaky one. He knew I had more money than him on that transfer night and that I wanted Nasri. He knows I take a long time to park the fudge, so he waited for me to crimp one off and signed the midfielder on the cheap.”

This is the second time Samir Nasri has unwittingly found himself at the centre of this season’s Kenna League narrative.

Many managers were stunned the Frenchman was available in the first place.

The Piedmonte manager inexplicably released Nasri ahead of the second transfer window in favour of the services of Andros Townsend.

Presented with a genuine shot at the title two months ago, Piedmonte eventually hit the skids while Nasri flourished. For the second time, the Wulfrunian manager finds himself at number 2 – his ninth tilt at the title down the pan.

Had the Piedmonte manager kept the French midfielder he would now be sitting on the Kenna throne.

Instead, it is FC Testiculadew who today were confirmed as winners of the league, to be added to last week’s Canesten Combi Cup victory.

Asked today how he has masterminded two Kenna doubles in just three seasons, the FCT manager said: “It’s a giddy mix of knowledge, preparation and luck.”

In further comments that will not endear the already unpopular manager to the rest of the league, he continued: “Having said that, I’d consider ourselves unlucky this season. Had the lady smiled on us, rest assured your crushing under foot would have been far more emphatic.

“We’d have ripped your heads off and shat down each and everyone of your necks, real diarrhoea style.”

The league committee will be reviewing pub buffet arrangements ahead of the 2014 Emerson World Cup auction next month.

Kenna table – final standings

Kenna wk 37 - 20 May 2014

Kenna wk 37 – 20 May 2014

Weekly scores

Manager

Points

Goals

1

 Pikey Scum Jack  8   1 

2

 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden  7   1 

3

 PSV Mornington El Pons  7   1 

4

 KS West Green Stix  4   1 

5

 Team Panda Rules OK George  4   0 

6

 FC Testiculadew James N  2   0

7

 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge  2   0 

8

 Sporting Lesbian Ben M  2   0

9

 Judean Peoples Front Sholto  1   0 

10

 Just put Carles Carles  1   0 

11

 Newington Reds Dudley  1   0 

12

 Northern Monkeys Hugo   1   0 

13

 St. Reatham FC Mike   1   0 

14

 Bala Rinas Lewis  0   0 

15

 Dynamo Charlton Alex  0   0 

16

 Headless Chickens John N  0   0

17

 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S  0   0

18

 Dulwich Red Sox Luke  0   0 

19

 Piedmonte Phil  0   0 

20

 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi  0   0 

21

 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete  0   0 

22

 This is Sparta…Prague Rich  0   0 

23

 Young Boys Denney  0  0 

Points

 Player
Player of the week

8

 Quinn, S – HUL – MID

Club

 Unsigned

FCT Veuve leaves challengers Pol Rogered

Posted: May 12, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup, Weekly updates | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment
Tour De France Champagne Chris Froome

Frooming marvellous: FC Testiculadew will spend the last competitive week of the Kenna cruising to victory

DURING the final stage of the Tour de France it’s customary for the cyclist wearing the yellow jersey to toast his journey into Paris with a glass of champagne.

Even though there are still 100 or so kilometres to go at the start of the day, a challenge for the top spot in cycling on such a flat leg is considered over after a month of punishing mountains, gruelling time trials and simple French country folk. It’s also considered ungentlemanly.

Ironic then that the man who killed the chivalrous spirit of the Kenna by discovering the sharp practice of tactical Brambling finds himself in a similar champagne finish in the league this week as his team march inexorably towards the elysian fields of an unprecedented second Kenna double.

A goal from Juan Mata and two from the irrepressible Edin Dzeko saw FC Testiculadew beat Northern Monkeys 3-2 in the Canesten Combi Cup final this week. FCT now only have one more match to negotiate until adding the league title to a groaning club trophy cabinet.

Barring an unlikely 12 goals on Saturday from second-placed Piedmonte‘s Shane Long, the FCT manager will pick up two Kenna doubles in three seasons, potentially making him the most successful Kenna boss of all time.

Agonisingly for the Piedmonte manager, the fact remains that getting rid of Samir Nasri at the February transfer window cost him the league.

In the battle for third, the league treasurer’s team Bala Rinas are putting in a sprint finish to stake a claim over rival Welshman the Judean Peoples’ Front manager.

JPF were in the top three for 13 weeks until now, but are in danger of dropping even further down the table if Team Panda Rules OK striker Olivier Giroud can continue his streak this weekend, or in the remote chance Ahmed Elmohamady and Laurent Koscielny have the game of their lives for Pikey Scum.

In the jostle of the peloton no amount of substance abuse will make the season anything but an exercise in mediocrity.

Bringing up the rear in Bramble Jerseys, the bottom three found themselves aching and tangled in a barbed wire fence on a rural roadside in the Auvergne sometime ago. P45s await, or in one case was an early Christmas present.

Kenna table

Kenna table week 36 - 13May14

Kenna table week 36 – 13May14

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 55 6
2 Bala Rinas Lewis 47 3
3 FC Testiculadew James N 37 3
4 St. Reatham FC Mike 36 2
5 Newington Reds Dudley 36 0
6 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 33 0
7 Team Panda Rules OK George 32 0
8 Pikey Scum Jack 31 2
9 Just put Carles Carles 31 1
10 Piedmonte Phil 31 0
11 Headless Chickens John N 29 1
12 Northern Monkeys Hugo 28 2
13 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 28 1
14 Young Boys Denney 28 1
15 Dynamo Charlton Alex 26 0
16 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 24 0
17 KS West Green Stix 20 1
18 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 18 0
19 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 17 0
20 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 16 1
21 PSV Mornington El Pons 14 1
22 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 10 0
23 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 6 0
Points Player
Player of the week 18 Zabaleta, P – MCY – DEF
Club Dynamo Charlton

‘Kurwa’ suds

Posted: May 6, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Weekly updates | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment
Toucans

Toucans in the park: Standard procedure for Polish customers of Kenna HQ’s neighbourhood off licence…and now the Piedmonte manager too.

TURKISH convenience stores seldom come less complete than the premises around the corner from Kenna HQ.

Marathon opening hours, ready access to tonic water and fresh limes, and a proprietor always up for a discussion on the latest developments at Galatasaray mean the chairman is often found locked in conversation over a can of Coke, litre of Delmonte orange juice or 10 Camel Lights.

During one particularly lengthy debate on the decline of Wesley Sneijder while buying a 750ml bottle of Leffe Brune, it emerged the shop’s cash cow is beer, a large array of which dominates one refrigerated wall.

What has this to do with the Kenna title race? There are two parallels.

First, much like Gala in the Turkish Super Lig, Piedmonte find themselves well and truly beaten into second place this week. Two goals from Edin Dzeko have put FC Testiculadew well in control of the Kenna: 53 points ahead with 10 days to go.

It would take hat-tricks from Shane Long, Peter Odemwingie, Mark Noble, Jason Puncheon and no more slip ups from Steve Gerrard this Sunday to get Pies back in contention. A remote scenario considering the second parallel.

Tweeting a photo of two cans of Polish beer about to be consumed in public can only confirm the Piedmonte boss has lost interest in his side’s pursuit of the Kenna title and has turned into the average customer of the International Food Centre.

It’s only a matter of time before he’s sitting on a park bench in an obscure replica football shirt, fiercely telling anyone who’ll listen about the two times he almost won the Kenna, while seamlessly inserting the word ‘kurwa’ three times into each sentence without breaking syntax (see demonstration below).

Looking ahead to this weekend, the FC Testiculadew manager has the chance to scoop his second double in three seasons as his team face Northern Monkeys in the Canesten Combi Cup final.

Considering FCT have scored 2.83 goals a week for the last six and Northern Monkeys just 1.16, the bookies are favouring the Tactical Brambler.

Should the tie be a draw, the final will be decided on number of points scored.

In the unlikely event the two sides are equal on goals and points, a tie breaker will be played over the last weekend of the season, on goals then points.

Kenna table

Kenna week 35 - 6 May 2014

Kenna week 35 – 6 May 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Newington Reds Dudley 38 2
2 Bala Rinas Lewis 38 1
3 Piedmonte Phil 36 1
4 Pikey Scum Jack 32 2
5 Just put Carles Carles 30 2
6 FC Testiculadew James N 28 2
7 Headless Chickens John N 28 0
8 Team Panda Rules OK George 27 1
9 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 26 2
10 Northern Monkeys Hugo 22 1
11 PSV Mornington El Pons 22 1
12 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 22 0
13 St. Reatham FC Mike 20 1
14 KS West Green Stix 19 1
15 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 19 0
16 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 19 0
17 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 18 1
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 17 0
19 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 17 0
20 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 13 0
21 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 13 0
22 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 11 1
23 Young Boys Denney 10 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Weimann, A – AVL – STR
Club Unsigned

Only one Breivik kidney

Posted: April 30, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Weekly updates | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment
The Ox and the KS West Green manager

Athletes: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and the KS West Green manager

ROUTS don’t come much more convincing than FC Testiculadew’s league win two seasons ago, but the same manager is poised to scoop another title with ease albeit without making such a mockery of the other competitors.

Goals from Edin Dzeko, Jonjo Shelvey, Mesut Ozil and a brace from Juan Mata have put FC Testiculadew 61 points clear of the nearest challenger with three weeks to go – all but delivering the trophy to the self-confessed Tactical Brambler.

For a while the Piedmonte manager appeared to be making a genuine case for a grandstand finish, but like a Nigerian striker getting in his 4×4 after an ambiguous conversation with a club suit, that looks to have petered out.

Despite also showing strong signs of promise in the manager’s fifth Kenna season, Judean Peoples’ Front failed to live up to the task. Now more than 100 points off the leaders, the Anders Brievik lookalike‘s woes add fuel to the argument that to be truly competitive at this level a manager needs both kidneys.

The organ grinder is still calling the tune for the dancing monkeys battling it out for fourth. The debutant manager of Team Panda Rules OK saw his side come to within two points of the league treasurer’s team Bala Rinas. Defending champions Sporting Lesbian also compete.

A remarkable turnaround this season has come from Young Boys of Vauxhall. The manager made eight changes to his struggling side at the February transfer window and this week finds his side climbing one place further from the danger zone.

Taking to social media last week, the Young Boys manager was quick to point out the prolific form of controversial signing Martin ‘the ginned up lollypop lady’ Demichelis in comparison to other more recognised names.

The KS West Green manager was only to happy to remind his midfielder Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain of this little stat when he bumped into him at a charity dinner last night.

Kenna table

Kenna week 34 - 29 April 2014

Kenna week 34 – 29 April 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testiculadew James N 53 5
2 St. Reatham FC Mike 41 3
3 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 34 3
4 Team Panda Rules OK George 33 1
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 30 0
6 Piedmonte Phil 28 1
7 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 28 1
8 Young Boys Denney 27 0
9 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 26 1
10 Northern Monkeys Hugo 25 1
11 Headless Chickens John N 23 1
12 Pikey Scum Jack 22 2
13 Newington Reds Dudley 22 1
14 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 22 1
15 PSV Mornington El Pons 20 1
16 KS West Green Stix 20 0
17 Dynamo Charlton Alex 18 0
18 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 13 0
19 Just put Carles Carles 11 0
20 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 10 0
21 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 10 0
22 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 6 0
23 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 5 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Wickham, C – SUN – STR
Club Unsigned

Belgians broken but Bramble Baron on brink of bumper brace

Posted: April 22, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup, Weekly updates | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment
Kevin Mirallas

Kevin Mirallas scored twice to edge FC Testiculadew towards a second Kenna double (photo: deeegaogtgjg123)

KEVIN Mirallas and Christian Benteke may be a mini Belgian injury crisis for FC Testiculadew, but the club still moved one step closer to a second Kenna double in three campaigns this week with an assured display.

On his way to the physio’s bench winger Mirallas notched two goals to put the side managed by the founder of tactical Brambling both in the Canesten Combi Cup final and extend their lead over Piedmonte to 36 points.

Hopes of snatching the title at the final fence look even more remote for the Piedmonte manager even though his side put in another solid week led again by Jason Puncheon. If only he’d kept Samir Nasri – the Frenchman picked up a goal and an assist to help Bala Rinas into fourth place.

With just four weeks left of the season and relegation all but rubber stamped for the bottom three clubs, the race for the Wenger Trophy is shaping up to take centre stage in the league’s remaining narrative.

Just 30 points separate the five clubs floating around the final prize spot, and the cast are varied: Sporting Lesbian are defending champions, Team Panda Rules OK debutants and the other three managers are league committee members yet to find silverware in the quagmire of political intrigue at Kenna HQ.

Another subplot is the miraculous cup run of Northern Monkeys. The manager voiced concerns over the ability of Samuel Eto’o and Fabio Borini back in February, but the pair earned the Monkeys a place in the final at the expense of a toothless St Reatham FC.

It seems unlikely the Monkeys’ luck will continue into the pageantry of that May afternoon. With David Silva possibly out injured for the rest of the season, the midfield consists of Antonio Valencia, Stewart Downing and forfeit player Stuart Hazell.

No amount of cash in the attic could buy a goal for that lot.

Road to the Canesten Combi Cup final

Road to the Canesten Combi Cup final 2014

Road to the Canesten Combi Cup final 2014

Kenna table

Kenna week 33 - 22 April 2014

Kenna week 33 – 22 April 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 60 5
2 KS West Green Stix 48 2
3 Bala Rinas Lewis 41 2
4 FC Testiculadew James N 41 2
5 Team Panda Rules OK George 41 1
6 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 37 2
7 St. Reatham FC Mike 35 0
8 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 34 2
9 Just put Carles Carles 30 2
10 Newington Reds Dudley 30 2
11 Northern Monkeys Hugo 30 2
12 Piedmonte Phil 30 1
13 Pikey Scum Jack 26 0
14 Dynamo Charlton Alex 25 2
15 PSV Mornington El Pons 25 0
16 Headless Chickens John N 23 1
17 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 20 1
18 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 17 0
19 Young Boys Denney 16 1
20 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 16 0
21 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 16 0
22 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 14 0
23 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 13 1
Points Player
Player of the week 24 Podolski, L – ARS – STR
Club Sporting Lesbian

Death, taxes and one poor transfer decision

Posted: April 19, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Stat attack | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment
Samir Nasri

“What do I think of the Piedmonte manager?” (photo: Rod McLaren)

TITLE races don’t come much more thrilling than this season’s Kenna, but when it’s all over one manager may look back on a transfer window with severe regret.

The Piedmonte manager has his best chance of winning the league since its origins in 2005. It would be quite an itch to scratch considering he was among the eight pioneers of the Kenna that fateful night in The Old Bank of England.

As this season rolls into the final five weeks, Piedmonte find themselves just 25 points behind flash new boys FC Testiculadew. Dismissing a potentially catastrophic oversight by league organisers, one manager will be spraying champagne onto the bare breasts of high-class escort girls while the other will be throwing up a bellyful of Frosty Jacks in the park, along with the rest of the league.

If the Piedmonte manager finds himself waking up in his own vomit, as he has eight times before, the sale of Samir Nasri at the second transfer window will be a source of tortuous despair.

Eyebrows were raised that night in The Enterprise when the silky-skilled Frenchman found himself back on the market and snapped up for £2m by Bala Rinas.

Now Piedmonte find themselves so close to missing out, the manager is introspectively taking to social media:

He’s wrong. The fact is that if he’d made no transfers he wouldn’t be top of the league, but his team would have scored more goals (see below).

No one could criticise the Piedmonte manager for releasing Emmanuel Adebayor at the October window. The Togolese didn’t score a single point in those first six weeks, and looked to be having another season the elephant would sooner forget.

His replacement Jonathan Walters used to be one of those bargain Kenna bankers, but he’s had a torrid time of late and in 13 weeks for Piedmonte scored at less than two points a week, notching just two goals in the process.

‘The Pies’ replaced him with Peter Odemwingie, a huge gamble considering the Nigerian’s troubles, but he’s gone on to score a whopping 44 points in the last 10 weeks.

So no strikers sleeping in the car park – it’s in midfield where the manager has come unstuck.

A handful of good games, including one for England, meant Andros Townsend was so universally fashionable earlier this season he was even talked about in space.

But since joining Piedmonte, Townsend has clocked up a miserable 1.4 points a week. In the same time Samir Nasri has been going at an astronomic rate of 4.9.

Even more confounding for the Pies managers is that while Nasri’s purple patch has come since he left the club, he was already scoring at a very respectable 4.26 points, and if he’d kept the Frenchman he would be 20 points above FCT and have scored two more goals.

That’s going to haunt the Piedmonte manager if he misses out in yet another season.

Piedmonte scoring

Current total: 990 points, 43 goals

Starting XI total: 983 points, 49 goals

If he’d kept Nasri: 1,025 points, 47 goals

Piedmonte average points scored a week – individual

Krul – 2.47

Ben Davies – 2.34

Hangeland – 1.44

Phil Jones – 1.47

Jags – 2.66

Stevie G – 5.09

Noble – 3.09

Puncheon – 3.19

Nasri – 4.26 for Pies, 4.56 for the season / Townsend – 1.4 for Pies, 2.41 for the season

Long – 2.81

Adebayor – 0 for Pies, 3.06 for the season / J Walters – 2.77 for Pies, 2.41 for the season / Odemwingie – 4.4 for Pies,

 

Kenna HQ in tie-break farce

Posted: April 14, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup, Weekly updates | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment
Tie break

Volley of abuse: Kenna HQ contingency plans have been heavily criticised (photo: C64 Ocean and Imagine Collection)

BLUNDERING blazers at Kenna HQ are desperately scrabbling to find a tie-break solution after chances mounted this week that the top two clubs could end the season on the same points and goals.

Another notch from in-form Jason Puncheon and an assist from Steve Gerrard helped Piedmonte close the gap on league leaders FC Testiculadew to just 25 points. With five weeks left of the campaign only two goals scored separates the sides.

What’s now being billed as the closest Kenna title race ever could turn into a shambles as bungling officials at league headquarters admitted there was no contingency plan should two sides end level on points and goals scored.

An extraordinary committee meeting was convoked earlier today to discuss a solution.

Leaked minutes revealed the Kenna executive is considering a number of tie-break options, which include going down to points scored in the final week,  ranking the teams on the number of clean sheets kept or declaring the 10-month competition a draw.

One committee member even suggested managers sending in a one-minute video plea for the championship so the rest of the league could vote on the most deserving.

The news will be of severe concern to both the Piedmonte and FCT managers, the former hoping for his first title in nine years of trying and the latter in the hunt for an unprecedented second Kenna league and cup double.

Should the FCT manager win the league outright, he could rue his team’s Canesten Combi Cup semi-final performance this weekend. The former cup winners failed to register an away goal in their sibling derby with Headless Chickens.

In the other semi, Northern Monkeys took a two-goal lead over St Reatham FC thanks to Per Mertesacker and David Silva.

The second leg will take place this weekend.

Canesten Combi Cup semi-final first leg results

Northern Monkeys 2 – 0 St Reatham FC

Headless Chickens 0 – 0 FC Testiculadew

Kenna table

Kenna week 32 - 15 April 2014

Kenna week 32 – 15 April 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Team Panda Rules OK George 32 1
2 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 29 1
3 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 26 0
4 Piedmonte Phil 25 1
5 Pikey Scum Jack 25 0
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 24 0
7 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 24 0
8 KS West Green Stix 23 0
9 Northern Monkeys Hugo 22 2
10 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 20 1
11 St. Reatham FC Mike 20 0
12 Newington Reds Dudley 19 1
13 Just put Carles Carles 18 0
14 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 17 1
15 PSV Mornington El Pons 17 0
16 Young Boys Denney 16 0
17 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 15 0
18 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 14 0
19 FC Testiculadew James N 13 0
20 Dynamo Charlton Alex 11 1
21 Headless Chickens John N 11 0
22 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 7 0
23 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 5 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Fabianski, L – ARS – GK
Club Unsigned

Stewart Downing leaves managers frowning

Posted: April 10, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Stat attack | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment
Stewart Downing

“Released? What, again?”

POOR Stewart Downing.

His only crime was to have a left foot and enough talent to get him into the top flight of domestic football.

Yet coming of age at a time when the English public were dreaming of a world class left winger to solve all the problems of the national side, his inferiority to the likes of a Ryan Giggs, a Leo Messi or even a Diego Maradonna, has brought Stewart into the firing line for much criticism over matters completely out of his control.

All of which means that while Kenna managers may appreciate Downing is a regular starter, they are also quick to blame him when things aren’t going well.

His demeanour doesn’t help. Constantly looking like a small boy at an information desk awkwardly hearing his own name being read out over the shopping centre tannoy and dreading the moment his relieved mother makes a tearful reunion now the school bully has clocked him while out for a spot of shoplifting, Stewart’s expression appears to invite contempt.

This season Downing is the only player to appear for three different Kenna teams, having found himself released at both transfer windows.

Bought for £9.5m by Judean Peoples’ Front at the August auction, the winger overcame injury and settling in to West Ham to only score at an average of 1.33 points a week. Downing found himself released at the October transfer window.

The Newington Reds manager snaffled Downing for half a million pounds and throughout autumn, Christmas and January he scored at a very creditable three points a week. League leaders FC Testiculadew have seen their players score at 2.9 points a week on average this campaign.

A Liverpool fan, perhaps it was the Newington Reds manager’s memory of that season of no goals and no assists, but he saw fit to jettison Downing at the February window.

Northern Monkeys picked up the winger for the nominal £0.5m, and have seen him continue that form to score at 2.67 points a week.

What was the Reds manager’s midfield doing while his former player was helping Monkeys to the Canesten Combi Cup semi final?

Assembled for £13m at that raucous night in The Enterprise, the trio of Nathan Redmond, Adnan Januzaj and Oussama Assiadi have scored just two more points between them than Downing.

“The nine-year trophy hunt for Reds continues,” said the chairman, his PhD in hindsight neatly framed on his Kenna HQ office wall.

Stewart Downing’s season

Judean Peoples’ Front – £9.5m – six weeks / eight points – 1.33 point a week

Newington Reds – £0.5m – 13 weeks / 39 points – 3 points a week

Northern Monkeys – £0.5m – nine weeks / 24 points – 2.67 points a week

Newington Reds replacement midfield:

Redmond – £0.5m – 12 points

Januzaj – £12m – 11 points

Assaidi – £0.5m – 3 points

Table top heavyweights Puncheon it out

Posted: April 8, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Weekly updates | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment
Jason Puncheon corner

He shits when he wants: Jason Puncheon’s two goals and assist kept Piedmonte in the Kenna title race (photo courtesy of Paul Wright)

BREATHLESS attacking football from two teams challenging for the Kenna title lit up the league with six weeks left of the season.

FC Testiculadew may have extended their lead by two points at the top with goals from Juan Mata and Edin Dzeko, but led by Jason Puncheon’s player-of-the-week performance and a double strike from Stevie G, Piedmonte refused to let up.

In the tightest Kenna since Vasco De Beauvoir pipped Insomnia’s Titans in 2010, FCT and the Pies find themselves like two sluggers in the ring Puncheon it out, which makes a refreshing change from the midfielder’s reputation for Puncheon one off mid match.

Whether either side can maintain this scintillating offensive play for the rest of the title race is uncertain. FCT have lost striker Christian Benteke for the rest of the season through injury and the imminent return of KS West Green striker Sergio Aguero could mean demotion to the bench for Dzeko.

From the Piedmonte perspective, it would take a Herculean effort from their ragtag bunch of misfits to overhaul a 47-point gap in the handful of games left.

What is clear is that Judean Peoples’ Front have dropped out of the race, their chances of competing stretchered off along with Jay Rodriguez on Saturday afternoon.

Looking ahead to the weekend, FCT are still in the hunt for a Kenna double. They take on Headless Chickens in a semi final first leg sibling derby.

Last year’s bottom-placed manager, now in charge of St Reatham FC, appears to have overcome the anxiety that led to a dark spring night on Chobham Common and will battle it out with Northern Monkeys in the other tie.

Kenna table

Kenna week 31 - 8 April 2014

Kenna week 31 – 8 April 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testiculadew James N 49 3
2 Piedmonte Phil 47 4
3 Headless Chickens John N 37 2
4 Just put Carles Carles 36 1
5 Young Boys Denney 35 2
6 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 32 1
7 Pikey Scum Jack 28 2
8 Bala Rinas Lewis 27 2
9 Newington Reds Dudley 24 1
10 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 21 0
11 St. Reatham FC Mike 21 0
12 Team Panda Rules OK George 20 0
13 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 19 1
14 KS West Green Stix 19 0
15 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 19 0
16 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 18 0
17 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 15 0
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 11 1
19 PSV Mornington El Pons 10 0
20 Northern Monkeys Hugo 9 0
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Club Piedmonte

Demichelis not such bad Kompany

Posted: April 3, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Stat attack | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment
Martin Demichelis caricature

Ray of sunshine: Martin Demichelis has been the one positive of Young Boys of Vauxhall’s season (photo: Gonza Rodriguez)

HUNDREDS of column inches have been dedicated to the shortcomings of Argentine defender Martin Demichelis this season and in the most part for good reason.

The pony-tailed centre back appears most at home lumbering around just outside his own 18-yard line with all the agility of a ginned-up lollipop lady, desperately trying to keep up with his sleeker teammates.

Up against the cream of European talent, Demichelis’ height, chunky bearing and lantern jaw make him look less a professional footballer and more like he should be wearing a leather jacket and fencing stolen goods from a rusty van outside the back of a pub glued to At The Races all Tuesday afternoon.

But one Kenna manager has found that at the domestic level, Demichelis is statistically delivering more than well-respected ‘top top player’ Vincent Kompany.

Guffaws rang around the upstairs bar of The Three Stags in Kennington in early October, when the Young Boys of Vauxhall manager took what was considered to be the outlandish decision to jettison Kompany at the first transfer window and sign the bungling Argentine.

In the face of much criticism, Young Boys vehemently defended the move at the time. Selling Kompany to St Reatham FC for £5m and picking up Demichelis on the open market for a token point five, the Welshman trousered £4.5m, he argued.

The Young Boys manager was also keen to point out that Kompany was recently injured. No one thought it so serious at the time, but the Belgian didn’t play again until the New Year.

Up until that afternoon south of the river, Demichelis was picking up a measly 1.25 points a week. The Belgian was making hay at 3.76.

Since that window the Argentine has gone on to score at a very creditable average of 3.12 points a week, while Kompany has contributed less than two-and-a-half.

In hindsight, the whole affair was a masterstroke for the Young Boys manager.

Of course, in all other respects the Young Boys season has been an utter disaster. At the same transfer window the manager turned a profit on Kompany he ended up Brambling himself and found Operation Yewtree suspect Rolf Harris starting in his midfield as forfeit. At the second window in February his frenzy of eight transfers descended into Tinkerman farce.

The St Reatham manager, on the other hand, finds his team safely ensconced in midtable and in the semi finals of the Canesten Combi Cup.

Despite his failure in all other respects, the Young Boys manager has successfully underlined two recurring themes to emerge from any statistical analysis of the Kenna – due to the scoring system a defender is only as good or bad as the team he’s in and never sign players based on who you like.

In the first eight weeks of the season

Demichelis scored 1.25 points per week

Kompany scored 3.76 points per week

In the 25 weeks since the October transfer window

Demichelis started on 10 points now has 88 (3.12 points per week)

Kompany started on 27 points now has 89 (2.48 points per week)

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