Chairman challenges Chris Evans comments

Chris Evans article

Kenna suits have taken issue with praise of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager

BROADCASTER Chris Evans is to have his eyes tested after writing a glowing character reference of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager in his weekly column.

In the Mail on Sunday magazine at the weekend, the BBC Radio 2 host said the Judean Peoples’ Front boss was: “Top of the class, solid gold, as good as it gets.”

But senior figures at Kenna HQ have taken exception to the description by the bespectacled entertainer, which they claim bears no resemblance to the loud buffoonery and poor performance associated with the Welshman’s four-year league career.

“While we appreciate the noble cause that led to the article being written, we cannot let such fulsome praise of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager pass unchallenged,” said the Chairman at a press conference in lounge bar of the King’s Arms, Waterloo.

“Mr Evans’ comment about the JPF manager being ‘modest like that. All the best men are’ is wholly inaccurate taking into consideration a Kenna League tenure marked  by poor man management skills, inappropriate jokes about hair colour and worrying parallels with Norwegian gunmen.”

It has been a controversial year for the Welshman. In the February transfer window, a leaked email – in what became known as the Ashley Williams affair – sparked outrage when he was found to have called his members of his first team an ‘under performing bunch of tossers’.

In April, when the team was found to have the fewest black minority ethnic players, the manager was forced to dismiss reports that his similarity to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik only ended at looks.

Judean Peoples’ Front went on to finish a disappointing ninth last season, the manager’s highest achievement in three campaigns at the helm.

Asked how he thought someone could draw such wild conclusions about the JPF boss, the Chairman said: “He’s obviously never sold Chris Evans a car.”

League table

Kenna table week 5 - 24 September 2012

Week 5 – 24 September 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 36 3
2 Piedmonte Phil 29 4
3 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 29 3
4 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 29 2
5 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 27 2
6 Woking Mike 27 0
7 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 26 2
8 FC Testicluadew James N 25 0
9 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 25 0
10 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 24 0
11 PSV Mornington El Pons 23 1
12 Pikey Scum Jack 23 0
13 Just put Carles Carles 22 0
14 Bala Rinas Lewis 16 0
15 Greendale Rockets Stu 16 0
16 Headless Chickens John N 15 0
17 Newington Reds Dudley 15 0
18 Northern Monkeys Hugo 15 0
19 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 15 0
20 Dynamo Charlton Alex 14 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Lambert, R – SOT – STR
Club Piedmonte
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Kenna club guide – Midlands and West

Immediately identify Kenna players in Midlands and West clubs: Aston Villa, Stoke, Swansea and West Brom.

Aston Villa

Given, S GK Dynamo Charlton £13m
Dunne, R DEF Greendale Rockets £3.5m
Hutton, A DEF Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m
Warnock, S DEF Hairy Fadjeetas £2m
Holman, B MID Lokomotiv Leeds £0.5m
N’Zogbia, C MID Sporting Lesbian £6.5m
El Ahmadi, K MID Pikey Scum £3m
Ireland, S MID Woking £7m
Delph, F MID Northern Monkeys £7.5m
Agbonlahor, G STR PSV Mornington £7m
Bent, D STR Piedmonte £16m

Stoke

Sorensen, T GK Woking £4m
Wilson, M DEF Sporting Lesbian £2m
Huth, R DEF Pikey Scum £5m
Shawcross, R DEF Spartak Mogadishu £11m
Upson, M DEF Dynamo Charlton £2.5m
Delap, R MID PSV Mornington £0.5m
Pennant, J MID Vasco De Beauvoir £1m
Kightly, M MID Greendale Rockets £5m
Etherington, M MID Newington Reds £6m
Walters, J STR Lokomotiv Leeds £7m
Crouch, P STR FC Testicluadew £2m

Swansea

Taylor, N DEF Greendale Rockets £0.5m
Rangel, A DEF Newington Reds £3m
Williams, A DEF Hairy Fadjeetas £3.5m
Michu MID Sporting Lesbian £2.5m
Routledge, W MID Headless Chickens £1m
Britton, L MID Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m
Sinclair, S MID FC Testicluadew £11m
Dyer, N MID Piedmonte £10m
Lita, L STR Vasco De Beauvoir £20m
Graham, D STR Dynamo Charlton £10m

West Brom

Foster, B GK Sporting Lesbian £6.5m
McAuley, G DEF Vasco De Beauvoir £0.5m
Olsson, J DEF Just put Carles £0.5m
Tamas, G DEF Woking £5.5m
Morrison, J MID Still Don’t Know Yet £2.5m
Brunt, C MID Pikey Scum £4m
Mulumbu, Y MID Newington Reds £1.5m
Lukaku, R STR Spartak Mogadishu £14m
Odemwingie, P STR Wandsworth Window Lickers £6m

London club guide

North west club guide

North east club guide

East and South club guide


Kenna club guide – East and South

Immediately identify Kenna players in east and south Premier League clubs: Norwich, Reading and Southampton.

Norwich

Ruddy, J GK FC Testicluadew £1.5m
Pilkington, A MID Headless Chickens £3.5m
Snodgrass, R MID Dynamo Charlton £6.5m
Hoolahan, W MID Hairy Fadjeetas £2.5m
Holt, G STR Bala Rinas £9m

Reading

Federici, A GK Lokomotiv Leeds £0.5m
Harte, I DEF Vasco De Beauvoir £10m
Pearce, A DEF Northern Monkeys £3m
McCleary, G MID Hairy Fadjeetas £0.5m
Pogrebnyak, P STR Pikey Scum £8.5m

Southampton

Gazzaniga, P GK PSV Mornington £4.5m
Clyne, N DEF Wandsworth Window Lickers £6m
Lallana, A MID Spartak Mogadishu £14m
Sharp, B STR Woking £1.5m
Lambert, R STR Piedmonte £13m

London club guide

North west club guide

North east club guide

Midlands and West club guide


Kenna club guide – North east

Immediately identify Kenna players in north east Premier League clubs: Newcastle and Sunderland.

Newcastle

Krul, T GK Spartak Mogadishu £21m
Ferguson, S DEF Still Don’t Know Yet £1m
Santon, D DEF Sporting Lesbian £4m
Williamson, M DEF Greendale Rockets £4m
Taylor, S DEF Dynamo Charlton £5m
Simpson, D DEF FC Testicluadew £6.5m
Coloccini, F DEF Piedmonte £10m
Taylor, R MID Lokomotiv Leeds £0.5m
Marveaux, S MID Bala Rinas £2m
Gutierrez, J MID Vasco De Beauvoir £5m
Tiote, C MID Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m
Ben Arfa, H MID Hairy Fadjeetas £6.5m
Cabaye, Y MID Woking £17m
Ba, D STR PSV Mornington £17m
Cisse, P STR Northern Monkeys £15m

Sunderland

Mignolet, S GK Hairy Fadjeetas £5.5m
Brown, W DEF PSV Mornington £3m
Bardsley, P DEF Headless Chickens £2.5m
Cuellar, C DEF Dynamo Charlton £4m
O’Shea, J DEF Wandsworth Window Lickers £5.5m
Johnson, A MID Piedmonte £4.5m
McClean, J MID Bala Rinas £14m
Cattermole, L MID Still Don’t Know Yet £2.5m
Sessegnon, S MID Sporting Lesbian £13m
Larsson, S MID Woking £9m
Campbell, F STR Spartak Mogadishu £0.5m

London club guide

North west club guide

East and South club guide

Midlands and West club guide


Kenna club guide – North west

Immediately identify Kenna players in north west Premier League clubs: Everton, Liverpool, Manchester City, Manchester United and Wigan Athletic.

Everton

Howard, T GK Newington Reds £8m
Baines, L DEF Woking £22m
Distin, S DEF Northern Monkeys £6m
Neville, P DEF Bala Rinas £4m
Jagielka, P DEF Still Don’t Know Yet £7.5m
Heitinga, J DEF PSV Mornington £6m
Hibbert, T DEF Vasco De Beauvoir £5m
Osman, L MID Just put Carles £0.5m
Fellaini, M MID Wandsworth Window Lickers £9m
Pienaar, S MID FC Testicluadew £12m
Jelavic, N STR Judean Peoples’ Front £21m

Liverpool

Reina, P GK Greendale Rockets £16m
Agger, D DEF Bala Rinas £15m
Skrtel, M DEF Newington Reds £17m
Enrique, J DEF Judean Peoples’ Front £13m
Carragher, J DEF Wandsworth Window Lickers £0.5m
Johnson, G DEF Piedmonte £8m
Downing, S MID Pikey Scum £8m
Gerrard, S MID Still Don’t Know Yet £15m
Leiva, L MID PSV Mornington £0.5m
Henderson, J MID Just put Carles £0.5m
Allen, J MID Woking £7m
Borini, F STR Vasco De Beauvoir £19m
Suarez, L STR Sporting Lesbian £36m

Manchester City

Hart, J GK Judean Peoples’ Front £22m
Savic, S DEF Bala Rinas £10m
Zabaleta, P DEF Greendale Rockets £7m
Kompany, V DEF Headless Chickens £18m
Lescott, J DEF Hairy Fadjeetas £12m
Richards, M DEF Woking £12m
Milner, J MID Newington Reds £0.5m
Silva, D MID Just put Carles £32m
Nasri, S MID Wandsworth Window Lickers £15m
Toure, Y MID FC Testicluadew £21m
Balotelli, M STR Still Don’t Know Yet £23m
Aguero, S STR Sporting Lesbian £12m
Adebayor, E STR Pikey Scum £0.5m
Tevez, C STR Dynamo Charlton £30m
Dzeko, E STR Northern Monkeys £1.5m

Manchester United

de Gea, D GK Pikey Scum £19m
Ferdinand, R DEF Vasco De Beauvoir £6.5m
Evra, P DEF Spartak Mogadishu £15m
Jones, P DEF Headless Chickens £9.5m
Vidic, N DEF FC Testicluadew £13m
Rafael DEF Piedmonte £2m
Kagawa, S MID Lokomotiv Leeds £26m
Nani MID Bala Rinas £15m
Carrick, M MID Dynamo Charlton £2.5m
Valencia, A MID Judean Peoples’ Front £17m
Cleverley, T MID Northern Monkeys £8.5m
Young, A MID Wandsworth Window Lickers £15m
Rooney, W STR Greendale Rockets £38m
Welbeck, D STR Just put Carles £7m
Hernandez, J STR Woking £5.5m
van Persie, R STR Still Don’t Know Yet £35m

Wigan Athletic

Al-Habsi, A GK Vasco De Beauvoir £2.5m
Figueroa, M DEF Sporting Lesbian £0.5m
Boyce, E DEF Pikey Scum £0.5m
Alcaraz, A DEF Just put Carles £0.5m
Miyaichi, R MID Newington Reds £5.5m

London club guide

North east club guide

East and South club guide

Midlands and West club guide


Kenna club guide – London

Immediately identify Kenna players in London clubs: Arsenal, Chelsea, Fulham, QPR, Spurs and West Ham

Arsenal

Szczesny, W GK Wandsworth Window Lickers £19m
Gibbs, K DEF Sporting Lesbian £15m
Sagna, B DEF Pikey Scum £11m
Koscielny, L DEF Spartak Mogadishu £17m
Vermaelen, T DEF Newington Reds £17m
Squillaci, S DEF Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m
Santos, A DEF Woking £2.5m
Rosicky, T MID Vasco De Beauvoir £1.5m
Walcott, T MID Headless Chickens £17m
Chamberlain, A MID Dynamo Charlton £8.5m
Arteta, M MID Just put Carles £16m
Cazorla, S MID Northern Monkeys £7.5m
Giroud, O STR Lokomotiv Leeds £6m
Gervinho STR Greendale Rockets £0.5m
Chamakh, M STR Hairy Fadjeetas £16.5m
Podolski, L STR FC Testicluadew £11m

Chelsea

Cech, P GK Headless Chickens £19m
Ivanovic, B DEF Lokomotiv Leeds £10m
Cahill, G DEF Pikey Scum £7.5m
Cole, A DEF Judean Peoples’ Front £17m
Terry, J DEF Northern Monkeys £14m
Luiz, D DEF FC Testicluadew £3m
Mata, J MID PSV Mornington £28m
Marin, M MID Sporting Lesbian £0.5m
Ramires MID Vasco De Beauvoir £12m
Meireles, R MID Greendale Rockets £6m
Oscar MID Dynamo Charlton £5.5m
Hazard, E MID Hairy Fadjeetas £26m
McEachran, J MID Wandsworth Window Lickers £9m
Moses, V MID Bala Rinas £12m
Lampard, F MID Piedmonte £16m
Torres, F STR Newington Reds £37m
Sturridge, D STR Just put Carles £20m

Fulham

Schwarzer, M GK Just put Carles £0.5m
Riise, J DEF Lokomotiv Leeds £10m
Senderos, P DEF PSV Mornington £5m
Riether, S DEF Spartak Mogadishu £0.5m
Hughes, A DEF Hairy Fadjeetas £4m
Hangeland, B DEF Northern Monkeys £11m
Frei, K MID FC Testicluadew £5.5m
Rodallega, H STR Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m

QPR

Green, R GK Piedmonte £0.5m
Fabio DEF Lokomotiv Leeds £0.5m
Ferdinand, A DEF Still Don’t Know Yet £4m
Fabio DEF PSV Mornington £5m
Nelsen, R DEF Newington Reds £0.5m
Young, L DEF Dynamo Charlton £4m
Taarabt, A MID Spartak Mogadishu £1m
W-Phillips, S MID Greendale Rockets £6m
Park, J MID Northern Monkeys £6m
Cisse, D STR Bala Rinas £12m
Zamora, B STR Wandsworth Window Lickers £2m

Spurs

Friedel, B GK Northern Monkeys £0.5m
Kaboul, Y DEF Bala Rinas £6.5m
Dawson, M DEF Headless Chickens £6m
Walker, K DEF Just put Carles £12m
Assou-Ekotto, B DEF Wandsworth Window Lickers £7m
Vertonghen, J DEF FC Testicluadew £13m
Sigurdsson, G MID Lokomotiv Leeds £20m
Bale, G MID Pikey Scum £30m
Modric, L MID Spartak Mogadishu £1m
Lennon, A MID Greendale Rockets £8.5m
Parker, S MID Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m
van der Vaart, R MID Piedmonte £17m
Dempsey, C MID Headless Chickens £21m
Dembele, M STR Newington Reds £2.5m
Defoe, J STR Hairy Fadjeetas £13m

West Ham

Jaaskelainen, J GK Bala Rinas £0.5m
Collins, J DEF Just put Carles £0.5m
Tomkins, J DEF Piedmonte £3m
O’Neil, G MID Still Don’t Know Yet £0.5m
Noble, M MID PSV Mornington £8m
Nolan, K MID Spartak Mogadishu £5m
Cole, C STR Headless Chickens £1.5m
Carroll, A STR Headless Chickens £1m

North west club guide

North east club guide

East and South club guide

Midlands and West club guide


Arfa Job: Luxury Man

Roman Triclinium scene

Inactivity: Gabriel Tamas, Micah Richards (centre) and Thomas Sorensen put Woking top of the luxury league

HAIRY FADJEETAS have hit out at BBC Radio Five Live after commentators branded Hatem Ben Arfa ‘a luxury man’.

The criticism came during the first half of last night’s match at Goodison Park as Ben Arfa continued to waste possession despite his team struggling in midfield at 1-0 down.

Comments made by summariser Danny Mills outraged the Hairy Fadjeetas midfielder’s manager.

“I’d like to see Five Live bring their ‘analysis’ to the bearpit that is the Kenna and then talk about luxuries,” he fumed from his Regency chaise longue in between mouthfuls After Eight mints dipped in asses’ milk fed to him by the woman who popped Marouane Chamakh’s cherry.

Luxury league

A ‘luxury player’ is considered to be someone whose individual talent can turn a game in his team’s favour, but who contributes little actual work to the side.

Identifying luxury players in general is largely a matter of opinion, but in the Kenna there’s a hard and fast rule.

Below, Kenna teams are ordered into a hierarchy of money spent on players who so far have contributed nothing to their side’s campaign.

Woking top the list, by virtue of having the most players on nil points, including that most profligate of signings – a luxury player in goal. Cynics might say that at one place off the bottom, the club also has a luxury manager.

Leroy Lita and the luxury player’s luxury player Tomas Rosicky have fin de siècle Vasco De Beauvoir a close second.

Considering his side’s dissolute approach, the Fadges boss would do well to heed to the BBC.

Northern MonkeysLokomotiv Leeds and Newington Reds are all huddled over their bowl of gruel and cancelling Christmas – all their players have scored points.

  1. Woking (£21.5m) – Thomas Sorensen (£4m), Gabriel Tamas (£5.5m), Micah Richards (£12m)
  2. Vasco De Beauvoir (£21.5m) – Tomas Rosicky (£1.5m), Leroy Lita (£20m)
  3. Hairy Fadjeetas (£18.5m) – Steve Warnock (£2m), Marouane Chamakh (£16.5m)
  4. Headless Chickens (£18m) – Phil Jones (£9.5m), Michael Dawson (£6m), Phil Bardsley (£2.5m)
  5. Dynamo Charlton (£15m) – Luke Young (£4m), Matthew Upson (£2.5m), The Ox (£8.5m)
  6. PSV Mornington (£12.5m) – Paolo Gazzaniga (£4.5m), Phillipe Senderos (£5m), Wes Brown (£3m)
  7. Pikey Scum (£11m) – Bacary Sagna
  8. Bala Rinas (£10m) – Stefan Savic
  9. Wandsworth Window Lickers (£9.5m) – Jamie Carragher (£0.5m), Josh McEachran (£9m)
  10. FC Testiculadew (£5.5m) – Karim Frei
  11. Greendale Rockets (£3.5m) – Richard Dunne (£3.5m)
  12. Still Don’t Know Yet (£2.5m) – Drusille Ngako (£1m), Shane Ferguson (£1m), Gary O’Neill (£0.5m)
  13. Judean Peoples’ Front (£1.5m) – Alan Hutton (£0.5m), Sebastian Squillaci (£0.5m), Scott Parker (£0.5m)
  14. Spartak Mogadishu (£1m) – Luka Modric
  15. Sporting Lesbian (£0.5m) – Marko Marin
  16. Piedmonte (£0.5m) – Rob Green
  17. Just Put Carles (£0.5m) – Jordan Henderson

League table

League table - week 4

League table – week 4

Weekly scores

    Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testicluadew James N 46 2
2 Greendale Rockets Stu 30 2
3 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 28 2
4 Just put Carles Carles 26 0
5 Northern Monkeys Hugo 25 0
6 Woking Mike 24 2
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 24 0
8 Bala Rinas Lewis 21 0
9 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 20 1
10 Headless Chickens John N 19 1
11 Dynamo Charlton Alex 19 0
12 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 19 0
13 Newington Reds Dudley 18 0
14 PSV Mornington El Pons 17 2
15 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 17 0
16 Piedmonte Phil 16 0
17 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 16 0
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 14 0
19 Pikey Scum Jack 13 1
20 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 2 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Gervinho – ARS – STR
Club Greendale Rockets