This is England
Posted: October 3, 2012 Filed under: Weekly updates | Tags: dambusters, darren bent, escape to victory, fabricio coloccini, fantasy football, fantasy premier league, football, frank lampard, honesty box, nathan dyer, rafael, rafael van der vaart, ricky lambert, soccer Leave a commentTHERE HAVEN’T been many positives in the career of the erstwhile Piedmonte manager.
For seven disappointing years he plied his trade in the Kenna at the helm of Thieving Magpies, sticking to the same dogged loyalty of picking England players to do a job that foreigners will perform with twice the results for half the transfer fee.
After starting their Kenna career with positive third and second place finishes in the opening two seasons, Thieving Magpies spent five years in steady decline. Supporters were patient, but when January’s nadir came with the manager admitting he couldn’t go out locally, it was only a matter of time before he got the boot.
Taking the reins of new club Piedmonte, it looked like the manager had made the same St George’s flag lapel badge blunders of the dark times at ‘Pies, but Darren Bent and Frank Lampard have come charging out of the blocks, ably assisted by Nathan Dyer and Ricky Lambert.
Even the inclusion of his preferred goalkeeper Rob Green appears a masterstroke. The former England man doesn’t get a sniff of action in goal at Loftus Road, where so many away strikers do.
“I like football the English way. It’s about keeping them honest,” said the Piedmonte manager, making the first team’s only foreigners Rafael and Fabricio Coloccini practice slide tackling on the training ground’s goalposts before sending them to buy runner beans from an untended table in a nearby village and checking they’d left some money.
The manager’s dogmatic approach has already caused ripples at the club, with £17m Dutch playmaker Rafael van der Vaart leaving for the Bundesliga.
“I’ve got the utmost respect for Rafa, but to be fair he was a bit of a luxury player,” said the gaffer, who went on to deny rumours the midfielder had left because the team had been made to watch ‘Escape to Victory’ before every match.
League table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 43 | 4 |
2 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 30 | 1 |
3 | Judean Peoples’ Front | Sholto | 28 | 2 |
4 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 27 | 3 |
5 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 24 | 2 |
6 | Just put Carles | Carles | 24 | 1 |
7 | FC Testicluadew | James N | 23 | 3 |
8 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 23 | 1 |
9 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 21 | 1 |
10 | Greendale Rockets | Stu | 20 | 1 |
11 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 20 | 1 |
12 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 20 | 1 |
13 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 20 | 1 |
14 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 19 | 0 |
15 | Headless Chickens | John N | 17 | 1 |
16 | Piedmonte | Phil | 17 | 1 |
17 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 13 | 0 |
18 | Wandsworth Window Lickers | Will | 12 | 0 |
19 | Woking | Mike | 7 | 0 |
20 | Vasco De Beauvoir | Stix | 6 | 0 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 20 | Suarez, L – LIV – STR | ||
Club | Sporting Lesbian |
Lesbi show
Posted: September 5, 2012 Filed under: Weekly updates | Tags: andy carroll, auction, fantasy football, fantasy premier league, football, maicon, mario balotelli, michu, neil taylor, rafael van der vaart, robin van persie, ryan taylor, soccer, sports, wayne rooney Leave a commentFOUR GOALS in three appearances for Spanish sensation Michu has gifted the Sporting Lesbian boss August’s Manager of the Month award.
The £2.5m attacking midfielder from Asturias has inspired the rest of the Lesbian side – apart from the injured Marko Marin, the rest of the team has contributed to their manager’s early success.
“We’re putting in some very good Lesbian performances. It’s really bringing the punters in,” said the Sporting boss, while taking delivery of a fresh batch of ping pong balls and listing the used ones for sale on a discreet, specialist website.
This time last season Just Put Carles were in a similar position, but could only end the season in a bitter lower mid-table dogfight.
The Kenna pump
- £17m midfielder Rafael van der Vaart has moved to Germany. “Scheisse!” said the Peidmonte manager.
- £500k defender Neil Taylor is out for the rest of the season with injury. “We’re not in crisis,” said the Greendale Rockets manager, whose also without Wayne Rooney.
- Despite £35m Robin van Persie’s hat-trick and penalty fail, Still Don’t Know Yet are in trouble up front with £23m Mario Balotelli out with an eye injury. “He’s not looking so good,” quipped the SDKY gaffer.
- £500k Lokomotiv Leeds midfielder Ryan Taylor is out until March with a cruciate injury
- £1m Headless Chicken Andy Carroll is out for a month with a hamstring injury.
- Just over a year after the FC Testiculadew manager signed him for £7m, Maicon has come to England.
League table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | FC Testicluadew | James N | 36 | 3 |
2 | Piedmonte | Phil | 29 | 1 |
3 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 28 | 2 |
4 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 27 | 1 |
5 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 24 | 2 |
6 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 23 | 3 |
7 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 21 | 0 |
8 | Just put Carles | Carles | 19 | 0 |
9 | Vasco De Beauvoir | Stix | 18 | 1 |
10 | Headless Chickens | John N | 17 | 1 |
11 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 17 | 1 |
12 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 17 | 1 |
13 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 16 | 1 |
14 | Wandsworth Window Lickers | Will | 16 | 1 |
15 | Woking | Mike | 16 | 0 |
16 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 15 | 1 |
17 | Judean Peoples’ Front | Sholto | 14 | 0 |
18 | Greendale Rockets | Stu | 13 | 0 |
19 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 10 | 0 |
20 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 5 | 0 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 15 | van Persie, R – MUN – STR | ||
Club | Still Don’t Know Yet |
Piedmonte
Posted: August 26, 2012 Filed under: Managers, Phil | Tags: adam johnson, auction, darren bent, fabricio coloccini, fantasy football, fantasy premier league, football, frank lampard, glenn johnson, james tomkins, nathan dyer, piedmonte, rafael, rafael van der vaart, ricky lambert, rob green, soccer, sports, titus bramble Leave a commentManager: Phil (Wolverhampton)
Twitter name: @PhillyD55
Since: 2005 (co-founder)
Last season: 18th (relegated and sacked as manager of Thieving Magpies)
Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 2nd in 2006/07)
Sympathies: Notts County
Darts music: The Wheelbarrow song
Outlook: After seven years without silverware the Wulfrunian was sacked in May after taking the Thieving Magpies down. Despite circumstances reaching dire levels during that last campaign, he found a job at Piedmonte and things now appear to be on the up. Frank Lampard is already two goals to the good and Adam Johnson’s has made a positive switch to Wearside. The manager has retained the services of Darren Bent up front – a surprising move.
(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling
Begovic, A | STO | £0.5m |
Johnson, G | LIV | £8m |
Coloccini, F | NEW | £10m |
Rafael | MUN | £2m |
Dawson, M | TOT | £6m |
Kebe, J | REA | £0.5m |
Lampard, F | CHE | £16m |
Milner, J | MCY | £0.5m |
Johnson, A | SUN | £4.5m |
Jelavic, N | EVE | £34m |
Lambert, R | SOT | £13m |
Total | £95m |
Second transfer window – 1 February 2013
Out | In | ||||
Mertesacker, P | ARS | £19m | Dawson, M | TOT | £6m |
Dyer, N | SWA | £10m | Kebe, J | REA | £0.5m |
Bent, D | AVL | £16m | Jelavic, N | EVE | £34m |
First transfer window – 26 October 2012
Out | In | ||||
Green, R | QPR | £0.5m | Begovic, A | STO | £0.5m |
Tomkins, J | WHM | £3m | Mertesacker, P | ARS | £19m |
van der Vaart, R | HAM | £17m | Milner, J | MCY | £0.5m |