Rapids de Cullons CF 2013/14


Senor Peligroso: The Rapids de Cullons CF manager

Manager: Jorge (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @BoatBarandCo

Since: 2010

Last season: Did not enter

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 12th in 2010/11)

Sympathies: Barcelona

Darts music: Boat drinks – Jimmy Buffett

Outlook (on 30 August): ‘Come back to the boat’. The words sound so innocent. After eight hours of Kenna auction in the pub, the Rapids manager invited the league back to his bar: a boat moored on the River Thames. What most managers weren’t expecting (some, including the chairman, already know the boat well, and some other places) was another six hours of shooters surrounded by young Spanish women. Football aside, this is the most dangerous manager in the Kenna.

On the pitch, Rapids have the the potential to beat the manager’s last Kenna outing of 12th place. Buying players new to England’s shores is always a risk, but Negredo and Aspas are already proving to be worthy signings. The rest of the side look capable of making appearances and providing spark, although how long will it be before John Terry is hauled before the authorities on a charge of inciting racial hatred?

Stekelenburg, M FUL £17m
Terry, J CHE £14m
Alonso, M SUN £2.5m
Lugano, D WBA £1.5m
Caulker, S CAR £1m
Young, A MUN £3.5m
de Guzman, J SWA £4m
Pienaar, S EVE £8m
Arteta, M ARS £10m
Negredo, A MCY £25m
Crouch, P STO £10m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Did not attend. League membership under review.

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
DEF Garrido, J NOR Free DEF Alonso, M SUN £2.5m
STR Aspas, I LIV Free STR Crouch, P STO £10m

Pikey Scum 2013/14


Solitary cup win: The Pikey Scum manager

Manager: Jack (Hampshire)

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Last season: 15th

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2008, Claudio Caniggia World Cup 2006 win (under review)

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: I’m A Pikey – Enrique Iglesias

Outlook (on 29 August 2013): A true workhorse on the Kenna committee in producing the weekly spreadsheet, the Pikey Scum manager’s struggle to translate his enthusiasm for the league into success on the pitch has driven him to a cider-only diet. Since the validity of his 2006 World Cup tournament victory was called into question during last year’s ‘Kenna in the bag’ inquiry, a solitary Canesten Combi Cup win in 2008 is all to be found in the manager’s trophy cabinet. League form in particular is poor. The Hampshire man has languished in mid-table obscurity throughout his Kenna career.

Could he overcome eight hours on the jungle juice and use the auction to improve this season? Certainly Sturridge and Lambert are the most fashionable English strike partnership since Shearer and Owen, both scousers have started the campaign scoring goals. Joe Cole is enjoying a renaissance in east London, but how long until his familiar foes of injury and form catch up? Carrick, Sandro and Morrison are regular starters, yet workaday. More spectacular are Clichy, Azpilicueta and Jenkinson coming forward.

The Pikey Scum manager has been here before though: exciting prospects but he never can quite motivate them into a unit capable of winning the Kenna. Three Manager of the Month awards in seven years: must be the cider.

Ruddy, J NOR £4.5m
Clichy, G MCY £19m
Shawcross, R STO £15m
Parr, J CRY £0.5m
Koscielny, L ARS £2.5m
Morrison, J WBA £9m
Elmohamady, A HUL £0.5m
Willian CHE £10m
Cole, J WHM £0.5m
Sturridge, D LIV £38m
Lambert, R SOT £4.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £12m, remaining budget: £2.5m, net loss: £9.5m

(Hyperlink denotes from/to which club players were bought/sold)

Out       In      
POS Player Team Sold POS Player Team Paid
DEF Azpilicueta, C CHE Free DEF Senderos, P FUL £2m
DEF Jenkinson, C ARS £0.5m DEF Koscielny, L ARS £2.5m
MID Sandro TOT Free MID Lamela, E TOT £5.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out       In      
POS Player Team Sold POS Player Team Paid
DEF Senderos, P VAL Free DEF Parr, J CRY £0.5m
DEF Cole, J WHU Free MID Elmohamady, A HUL £0.5m
MID Carrick, M MUN Free MID Willian CHE £10m

St Reatham FC 2013/14


Last public appearance: The St Reatham FC manager

Manager: Mike (Surrey)

Twitter name: @mister76mike

Since: 2012

Last season: 20th (last place – relegated)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: In Too Deep – Genesis

Outlook (on 28 August 2013): As the catastrophe of last season unfolded, the then Woking manager faced questions on all sides. Questions from fans about the the team’s dire performances, questions from the Woking board about his ineffectual transfer dealings, questions from Europol about suspected match fixing and questions from Surrey CID about why his DNA was found splashed all over the battered corpse of a female Sky Sports News presenter abandoned on Chobham Common. Somehow his alibi stood up, the Crown Prosecution Service failed to put a convincing case together and the manager was able to attend the Kenna auction at the helm of new employer St Reatham FC.

A fresh season has brought a fresh set of questions, the biggest hanging over the potato head of the manager’s star signing Wayne Rooney. Will he stay? Will he play? Now he’s got a family will be continue to ‘play away’? How is he supposed to form a strike partnership Gerard Deulofeu when the Catalan doesn’t start a game? How does one pronounce ‘Deulofeu’? Is it ‘Jew-Low-Few’? Will the Anti-Defamation League come down on Kenna HQ like a ton of bricks for that comment? Has the Society of Black Lawyers forgotten that incident when they came down on the Kenna? Does the surname of Victor Moses qualify him for more protection from the Anti-Defamation League or would the Society of Black Lawyers take precedence? Will Victor Moses have his own Exodus? To where?

All these questions and many more will be answered over the course of the next few weeks. All the while the St Reatham FC manager will look in the mirror each morning to find an answer the most pertinent enquiry: can he get away with it again?

Foster, B WBA £0.5m
Delaney, D CRY £0.5m
Walker, K TOT £17m
Kompany, V MCY £5m
Sagna, B ARS £5m
Giaccherini, E SUN £0.5m
Nolan, K WHU £0.5m 
Moses, V CHE £0.5m
Dyer, N SWA £3m
Deulofeu, G EVE £16m
Rooney, W MUN £39m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £10m, remaining budget: £4m, net loss: £6m

(Hyperlink denotes from which club player was bought)

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Value
GK Mannone, V SUN Free GK Foster, B WBA £0.5m
MID Yoshida, M SOT Free DEF Kompany, V MCY £5m
MID Westwood, A AVL Free MID Ramirez, G SOT £0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Value
DEF Martin, R NOR Free DEF Delaney, D CRY £0.5m
MID Diame, M WHU Free MID Giaccherini, E SUN £0.5m
MID Ramirez, G SOT Free MID Nolan, K WHU £0.5m

PSV Mornington 2013/14


Another wasted chance: The PSV Mornington manager

Manager: El Pons (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @RamonPonsUK

Since: 2009

Last season: 10th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 9th in 2009/10)

Sympathies: Barcelona

Darts music: La Bamba – Ritchie Valens

Outlook (on 27 August 2013): The original Catalan import, the PSV manager was a Kenna regular long before London’s trendiest bars sold Estrella Damm in bottles, let alone on tap. Unfortunately, that wealth of experience has only brought the antimadridista three mid-table finishes and the ignominy of last-placed relegation in 2010/11. His most notable contribution to the Kenna remains the acrimonious El Gran Cat fight scandal in April 2012, when a war of words erupted with rival Catalan the Just Put Carles manager.

Santi Cazorla and Jose Enrique aside, this season’s PSV team look to continue the mediocre tradition. Robles and Muniesa haven’t yet left the bench; Amorebieta, Gutierrez, N’Zogbia and Carroll are all injured; and commentators still use the words ‘confidence’ and ‘lack of’ when speaking of Fernando Torres. Support for the side’s top talent is left up to a battling-for-his-place Jolean Lescott and Leroy ‘The Bouncer’ Fer.

It’s only a matter of time before yet again the high pressure of the Kenna forces the PSV manager to seek tactical inspiration by locking himself in his office with a week’s supply of arroz con leche and a cardboard cutout of Pep Guardiola.

Robles, J EVE £0.5m
Kelly, M LIV £0.5m
Amat, J SWA £0.5m
Lescott, J MCY £1.5m
Amorebieta, F FUL £2m
Nani MUN £0.5m
Cazorla, S ARS £30m
Westwood, A AVL  £0.5m 
Fer, L NOR £0.5m
Torres, F CHE £30m
Carroll, A WHM £15m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Did not attend. League membership under review.

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
DEF Enrique, J LIV Free DEF Kelly, M LIV £0.5m
DEF Muniesa, M STO Free DEF Amat, J SWA £0.5m
MID Gutierrez, J NOR Free MID Nani MUN £0.5m
MID N’Sommnia AVL Free MID Westwood, A AVL £0.5m

Young Boys of Vauxhall 2013/14


Don’t mention the war: The Young Boys manager

Manager: Denney (Wales)

Twitter name: @andenney

Since: 2006

Last season: Did not enter

Trohpy cabinet: Champions 2010/11, Canesten Combi Cup winners 2008/09

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: Gentle Ben theme

Outlook (on 26 August 2013): Returning after a season-long layoff to focus on defending the club’s ambiguous name to the probings of Operation Yewtree , the Young Boys manager has lost a lot of the luck that made him one of the successful ever entrants in the Kenna.

In a near-copycat predicament to the Spartak Mogadishu Luka Modric fiasco last summer, £25m signing Gareth Bale is all but set to move to sunnier climes, while dark clouds have gathered over £17m Nicolas Anelka, whose future even as a player hangs in the balance. There’s no more joy in the rest of team, where Vincent Kompany and Nathan Baker both face lengthy periods on the treatment table.

Known as ‘Gentle Den’ at the club for his patented arm-round-the-shoulder approach to teasing the best out of his team of Young Boys, the manager will have get to work quickly on the remaining members if he wants to put together a credible challenge this season:  Jonathan Walters has already started his campaign with a trademark missed penalty.

However, it’s common knowledge that behind the avuncular exterior lies a rigid disciplinarian, and come previous transfer windows those otherwise performing well have been culled for not meeting the manager’s unique demands, often to the detriment of the club’s title chances (this was sadly before the Kenna was so extensively chronicled on these pages).

For legal reasons, former players have always declined to speak of their experiences breaching the club’s strict code of conduct. Scotland Yard may have cleared him for now, but the Young Boys manager has never been able to shake the stories of cold showers, plastic cable ties and a scoutmaster’s uniform.

Cech, P CHE £16m
Demichelis, M MCY £0.5m
Santon, D NEW £5m
Evra, P MUN £11m
Flanagan, J LIV £0.5m
Holtby, L FUL £0.5m
Brady, R HUL £1m
Ireland, S STO £0.5m
Delph, F AVL £0.5m
Adebayor, E TOT £14m
Traore, L EVE £0.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £11m, remaining budget: £14.5m, net profit: £2.5m

(Hyperlink denotes to which club players were sold)

Out In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
DEF Kompany, V MCY £5m DEF De Michaelis, M MCY £0.5m
MID Bale, G RMA Free MID Redmond, N NOR £0.5m
MID Rosicky, T ARS Free MID Harris, R YEW £1.0m
MID Ramirez, G SOT £0.5m MID Townsend, A TOT £0.5m
STR Walters, J STO £0.5m STR Aluko, S HUL £0.5m

Second transfer window

Out In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
DEF Baker, N AVL Free DEF Flanagan, J LIV £0.5m
MID Harris, R YEW Free MID Holtby, L FUL £0.5m
MID Townsend, A TOT £1.5m MID Brady, R HUL £1.0m
MID Kim CAR Free MID Ireland, S STO £0.5m
MID Redmond, N NOR £0.5m STR Delph, F AVL £0.5m
STR Anelka, N WBA Free STR Adebayor, E TOT £14m
STR Aluko, S HUL Free STR Traore, L EVE £0.5m

Headless Chickens 2013/14

John N profile pic

Mr Average: The Headless Chickens manager

Manager: John N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: 16th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 11th in 2011/12)

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Everyday Normal Guy – Jon Lajoie

Outlook (on 24 August 2013): Detractors would say he’s never won any silverware, not even a Manager of the Month award. Apologists would argue he’s never been relegated or even got a Turkey of the Month award. Everyone would agree the Kenna career of the Headless Chickens manager has been one of absolute mediocrity, and the stats back this up.

In his third attempt to win, well, anything, the Chickens boss picked up one of the bargains of the auction in Yaya Touré for half a million. Fortunate, since the rest of the midfield look unable to score points at this level – Schneiderlin plays in the holding role, Gardner plays in defence and Sigurdsson rarely plays at all.

Further uncertainty hangs over the front pair. Will Michu continue to enjoy the rich vein of form that saw him score 19 goals last season? Will Craig Bellamy take a five iron to his team mates?

At the back things look more solid, and not just because they have an extra right back in Gardner. Cole, Baines, McAuley and Bassong are likely to start almost every game this season. The Szczesny circus act looks set to continue.

Perhaps where the Chickens manager needs to be most careful is the transfer window. Last October he jettisoned a performing Theo Walcott in favour of Raheem Sterling. Walcott ended the season as one of the top midfielders with 179 points. Sterling scored a below-par 68.

He may as well have used Bellamy’s golf clubs.

Szczesny, W ARS £7m
Baines, L EVE £17m
McAuley, G WBA £6.5m
Bassong, S NOR £6.5m
Cole, A CHE £11m
Gardner, C SUN £6.5m
Sigurdsson, G TOT £5.5m
Schneiderlin, M SOT £4.5m
Toure, Y MCY £0.5m
Michu SWA £27m
Mitroglou, K FUL £12.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £11m, remaining budget: £3m, net loss: £8m

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Value
STR Bellamy, C CAR Free STR Cisse, P NEW £8m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Value
STR Cisse, P NEW Free STR Mitroglou, K FUL £12.5m

This is Sparta…Prague 2013/14


Forrest: The This is Sparta…Prague manager

Manager: Rich (Coventry)

Twitter name: @Richevatt

Since: Debut

Sympathies: Coventry City/Manchester United

Darts music: Grange Hill theme

Outlook (on 23 August 2013): Like Sideshow Bob in a car park full of rakes, the This is Sparta…Prague manager walked into every trap going in his debut auction. Snared by the Titus Bramble ruling not once but twice, it’s lucky his midfield has Jesus on it’s side, although it could be argued that Josef Fritzl shows promise in the holding role and Jeremy Forrest has proven ability to snatch one in the early stages. Aaron Lennon will clearly be the passenger.

While it’s yet to be seen whether the Suarez gamble pays off, Danny Welbeck has kicked off the campaign in sparkling form. The back five look capable and, apart from the aging Riise, were all handed starts in their first game.

Whether by folly or design, the Sparta manager was the thriftiest at last weekend’s auction, and takes a commanding war chest into the first transfer window in October, where he will begin the task of rebuilding his team to escape relegation.

Unfortunately for the rangy guitarist, his transfer kitty won’t be enough to take out a superinjunction disassociating himself from one of the nation’s most high-profile paedophiles for the rest of his Kenna career.

(B) denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling.

Westwood, K SUN £3m
Luiz, D CHE £15m
Figueroa, M HUL £4.5m
O’Brien, J WHM £3.5m
Riise, J FUL £0.5m
Fritzl, J (B)   £16.5m
Lennon, A TOT £14m
Navas, J MCY £10m
Forrest, J (B)   £8.5m
Welbeck, D MUN £2.5m
Suarez, L LIV £0.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Did not attend. League membership under review.

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Did not attend. Final written warning.