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Posted: June 1, 2016 Filed under: News | Tags: fantasy football, premier league, titus bramble Leave a comment…to KennaLeague.com
Appeal launched after cabbie drives off with the Kenna
Posted: August 11, 2014 Filed under: News | Tags: auction, fantasy football, london, taxi Leave a commentKENNA HQ has put out an urgent lost property alert across London after a black taxi disappeared with items essential to the league on Saturday night.
The Bramble Jersey, auction hammer and literally the keys to Kenna HQ among the effects lost following an unusual chain of events on Regent Street at around 11pm.
The chairman and two Kenna managers were making their way from the pre-season fantasy football auction at The Carpenter’s Arms in Marylebone to meet other league members for a debrief at the Empire Casino in Leicester Square.
Disembarking from a London black taxi to retrieve fare payment from a cash machine, the chairman’s party were stunned to find upon return that the cabbie had ‘done one’.
The joy of realising they had skipped a £15 fare was soon overtaken by anxiety when the chairman revealed all the Kenna auction equipment was still in the taxi.
“It was most singular,” the chairman told the Transport for London lost property office this morning. “There was a black bag containing an old HP laptop, a Wigan Athletic Titus Bramble shirt and the keys to Kenna HQ, as well as a wooden wine box holding an Alpine cow bell, a bicycle horn and two decks of pornographic playing cards.
“Aside from the playing cards, these items are of little value to anyone but absolutely essential to the smooth running of the Kenna League auction.”
The incident marred what had otherwise been a great day in celebration of the Kenna’s 10th anniversary auction.
A total of 17 managers took part in proceedings in the upstairs room of a most welcoming pub The Carpenter’s Arms, with one manager linked live via Skype from Switzerland.
Managers toasted the future success of the league with champagne donated by the FC Testiculadew manager using the winnings from his recent win of the Emerson World Cup, before the auction started just after 3pm.
For the first time in years, no manager fell foul of the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling, although the Greendale Rockets boss came close after being caught in a bid for a second Chelsea player.
All eyes now turn to the coming Saturday, where managers will find out just how ill-judged their auction purchases were.
Final teams will be published over the coming days.
The chairman issued a message to the hasty cabbie: “Thanks for the free ride but please hand in these items to the proper authorities immediately, if you haven’t already done so.
“Keep a few of the playing cards for your own delectation if desired, we don’t use these for the auction anymore.”
Amusing Brazil team names a fantasy
Posted: May 22, 2014 Filed under: 2014 Emerson World Cup | Tags: brazil, fantasy football, world cup Leave a commentEMERSON World Cup organisers have admitted funny fantasy football team names will be harder to come by this summer than previous tournaments.
Talking to assembled journalists outside league headquarters this morning, the chairman said despite Brazil’s rich culture and history Emerson boffins had failed to come up with anything as amusing or inappropriate as the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros tournament two years ago.
“We’ve had our top guys putting their heads together for the last three days and the best they’ve come up with is ‘Copa Lallana’, ‘Kappa-Wearers’ and ‘Just Like Watching Alan Brazil’. It’s a bit embarrassing really,” lamented the chairman.
Other names to come out of the Emerson think tank include: ‘Christopher Samba School’, ‘Man or Manaus’, ‘Rio de Mistrugstessed’ and ‘Just Like Watching Savile’ – the last a reference to the childhood innocence of many Emerson managers in the 1980s.
“Two years ago Poland and Ukraine had the social shortcomings and unfortunate history which meant inappropriate team names were easy to come by,” reminisced the chairman. “And the 2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup, well, I can tell you our lawyers are very happy those weren’t published online.”
The admission has led to fears the Emerson will simply not be as irreverent as previous tournaments.
The chairman this morning launched an appeal for anyone with a sense of humour to come forward with team names ahead of the auction, which is scheduled to take place in a London pub on Thursday 12 June, the evening of the opening game.
The 2014 Emerson World Cup is sponsored by Soul Glo: Let Your Soul Shine Through.>
Transfer night turd ‘cost me third’
Posted: May 19, 2014 Filed under: Weekly updates | Tags: anders breivik, fantasy football, football, premier league, samir nasri, soccer Leave a commentTHE Judean Peoples’ Front manager has claimed an ill-timed call of nature at the second transfer window flushed away his chances of finishing third in this season’s Kenna League.
Having occupied the number three spot for over three months as the season approached its back end, Judean Peoples’ Front were wiped down to fourth on the penultimate week of the campaign by rival Welsh manager’s side Bala Rinas.
The JPF manager, who bears an unfortunate resemblance to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, says an untimely visit to the pub gents during the transfer window in February meant he missed out on key target Samir Nasri. The Frenchman’s services would have ensured JPF a place on the podium.
As it is, while the JPF manager was in consultation with this number two, Bala Rinas signed Nasri for £2.5m and shot to third, his best ever finish.
The Breivik lookalike maintains insider knowledge of his unusually lengthy toiletting habits were used by the Bala manager, who is also the Kenna treasurer, to secure Nasri while he was dropping the kids off at the pool.
“I would have come third if I hadn’t gone for a shit. It’s as simple as that,” said the JPF manager yesterday.
“The treasurer, he’s a sneaky one. He knew I had more money than him on that transfer night and that I wanted Nasri. He knows I take a long time to park the fudge, so he waited for me to crimp one off and signed the midfielder on the cheap.”
This is the second time Samir Nasri has unwittingly found himself at the centre of this season’s Kenna League narrative.
Many managers were stunned the Frenchman was available in the first place.
The Piedmonte manager inexplicably released Nasri ahead of the second transfer window in favour of the services of Andros Townsend.
Presented with a genuine shot at the title two months ago, Piedmonte eventually hit the skids while Nasri flourished. For the second time, the Wulfrunian manager finds himself at number 2 – his ninth tilt at the title down the pan.
Had the Piedmonte manager kept the French midfielder he would now be sitting on the Kenna throne.
Instead, it is FC Testiculadew who today were confirmed as winners of the league, to be added to last week’s Canesten Combi Cup victory.
Asked today how he has masterminded two Kenna doubles in just three seasons, the FCT manager said: “It’s a giddy mix of knowledge, preparation and luck.”
In further comments that will not endear the already unpopular manager to the rest of the league, he continued: “Having said that, I’d consider ourselves unlucky this season. Had the lady smiled on us, rest assured your crushing under foot would have been far more emphatic.
“We’d have ripped your heads off and shat down each and everyone of your necks, real diarrhoea style.”
The league committee will be reviewing pub buffet arrangements ahead of the 2014 Emerson World Cup auction next month.
Kenna table – final standings
Weekly scores
Manager |
Points |
Goals |
||
1 |
Pikey Scum | Jack | 8 | 1 |
2 |
Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 7 | 1 |
3 |
PSV Mornington | El Pons | 7 | 1 |
4 |
KS West Green | Stix | 4 | 1 |
5 |
Team Panda Rules OK | George | 4 | 0 |
6 |
FC Testiculadew | James N | 2 | 0 |
7 |
Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 2 | 0 |
8 |
Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 2 | 0 |
9 |
Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 1 | 0 |
10 |
Just put Carles | Carles | 1 | 0 |
11 |
Newington Reds | Dudley | 1 | 0 |
12 |
Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 1 | 0 |
13 |
St. Reatham FC | Mike | 1 | 0 |
14 |
Bala Rinas | Lewis | 0 | 0 |
15 |
Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 0 | 0 |
16 |
Headless Chickens | John N | 0 | 0 |
17 |
Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 0 | 0 |
18 |
Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 0 | 0 |
19 |
Piedmonte | Phil | 0 | 0 |
20 |
Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 0 | 0 |
21 |
Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 0 | 0 |
22 |
This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 0 | 0 |
23 |
Young Boys | Denney | 0 | 0 |
Points |
Player | |||
Player of the week |
8 |
Quinn, S – HUL – MID | ||
Club |
Unsigned |
Emerson: Like Merson after an E
Posted: May 15, 2014 Filed under: 2014 Emerson World Cup | Tags: brazil, Emerson, fantasy football, middlesbrough, world cup Leave a commentDODGY hair and Brazilian flair in the most unlikely of places are what most people recalled when former Middlesbrough midfielder Emerson was announced last week as the figurehead of this summer’s fantasy World Cup contest, but what is really remembered of the 1990s powerhouse on Teesside?
In this fascinating insight, the Still Don’t Know Yet manager recounts life in the smog during those sledgehammer strikes and unusual nightlife habits:
It was 1996. Heady days. Gina G was riding high in the charts, Tony Blair was seen as the potential saviour of the country rather than a warmongering poodle with a taste for Far Eastern women, and, at Middlesbrough’s Rockcliffe Park training complex, Bryan Robson was busy plotting how to build a side which could lose two cup finals and get relegated in a single season.
Already the pieces were beginning to fall into place. In Chris Morris he had the heir to a successful Cornish pasty making dynasty, in Nick Barmby the world’s most unlikely gambling addict, and in Juninho he had signed, pound-for-pound, the best player in the league.
But he needed something more. His Brazilian star playmaker’s problem of not being able to see over the ball and being blown off course by a gust of wind from the wings of a passing butterfly, meant he needed to strengthen his midfield.
Swigging gently from his ninth can of Carling (admittedly it had been a slow day, he had yet to sign Paul Merson) Robson believed he had come up with a solution.
Emerson – a man with all the flair, touch, passing ability, and shooting technique of his diminutive fellow Brazilian, but actually human size. Prizing him away from from his former England manager at Porto should have been an near impossible task if it wasn’t for Bobby Robson’s already advancing dementia, similarities in surname, and the corrupt nature of Iberian administrative staff.
Soon everybody knew that there was a new force on Teesside (except for Bobby Robson, who only found out that Emerson had left two weeks later during a conversation with the kit man about how he’d parked his Seat Leon 10 days ago and had been unable to find it since).
Emerson had the two ingredients necessary to be a foreign star in the Premiership in the 1990s – unlike domestic players he could control the ball in less than three touches and he absolutely despised the club and area where he was contracted to play. But having grown up on the beaches of Rio de Janeiro there was one thing that attracted him to Teesside – the resort town of Redcar.
The similarities may not be obvious, where Rio has Christ the Redeemer, Redcar has one of the world’s largest blast furnaces. While crowds flock to the Brazilian city’s famous beaches, the biggest petrochemical complex in western Europe largely drives away the tourist trade from the Teesside town’s sands.
Emerson, though, had a taste for slightly different delights. He was a creature of the night, and when it came to clubs and pubs Redcar could hold its own with any international rival. You want to see people dancing in cages? Head to Sharky’s. Triple vodka and coke for £1.80? That’ll be Leo’s. Want to try supping your pint whilst starring at the floor because if you look up you’re guaranteed to get punched? It’s The Hyrdo.
But it wasn’t even one of the three corners of Redcar’s legendary ‘Triangle of Death’ that attracted Emerson. He preferred the unique ambiance of Klub Kudos, a sparkling gem of night spot that insisted on the best of everything except for music, hygiene, and effectively checking people’s date of birth at the door.
Emerson loved Kudos so much he had his own special room there, and what went on inside is a matter between him and the members of Operation Yewtree.
That no action was taken at the time is probably down to the long standing incompetence of Cleveland Police and the fact that if you score against Sunderland in back-to-back seasons people on Teesside will forgive most things.
Juninho on the other hand settled for a few drinks at Guisborough Quoit Club (sadly, now a shadow of its former self) and went on to win the World Cup. A salutary lesson perhaps for any budding young footballers.
The 2014 Emerson World Cup is sponsored by Soul Glo: Let Your Soul Shine Through
FCT Veuve leaves challengers Pol Rogered
Posted: May 12, 2014 Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup, Weekly updates | Tags: fantasy football, premier league, soccer, sports, tour de france Leave a commentDURING the final stage of the Tour de France it’s customary for the cyclist wearing the yellow jersey to toast his journey into Paris with a glass of champagne.
Even though there are still 100 or so kilometres to go at the start of the day, a challenge for the top spot in cycling on such a flat leg is considered over after a month of punishing mountains, gruelling time trials and simple French country folk. It’s also considered ungentlemanly.
Ironic then that the man who killed the chivalrous spirit of the Kenna by discovering the sharp practice of tactical Brambling finds himself in a similar champagne finish in the league this week as his team march inexorably towards the elysian fields of an unprecedented second Kenna double.
A goal from Juan Mata and two from the irrepressible Edin Dzeko saw FC Testiculadew beat Northern Monkeys 3-2 in the Canesten Combi Cup final this week. FCT now only have one more match to negotiate until adding the league title to a groaning club trophy cabinet.
Barring an unlikely 12 goals on Saturday from second-placed Piedmonte‘s Shane Long, the FCT manager will pick up two Kenna doubles in three seasons, potentially making him the most successful Kenna boss of all time.
Agonisingly for the Piedmonte manager, the fact remains that getting rid of Samir Nasri at the February transfer window cost him the league.
In the battle for third, the league treasurer’s team Bala Rinas are putting in a sprint finish to stake a claim over rival Welshman the Judean Peoples’ Front manager.
JPF were in the top three for 13 weeks until now, but are in danger of dropping even further down the table if Team Panda Rules OK striker Olivier Giroud can continue his streak this weekend, or in the remote chance Ahmed Elmohamady and Laurent Koscielny have the game of their lives for Pikey Scum.
In the jostle of the peloton no amount of substance abuse will make the season anything but an exercise in mediocrity.
Bringing up the rear in Bramble Jerseys, the bottom three found themselves aching and tangled in a barbed wire fence on a rural roadside in the Auvergne sometime ago. P45s await, or in one case was an early Christmas present.
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 55 | 6 |
2 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 47 | 3 |
3 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 37 | 3 |
4 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 36 | 2 |
5 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 36 | 0 |
6 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 33 | 0 |
7 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 32 | 0 |
8 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 31 | 2 |
9 | Just put Carles | Carles | 31 | 1 |
10 | Piedmonte | Phil | 31 | 0 |
11 | Headless Chickens | John N | 29 | 1 |
12 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 28 | 2 |
13 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 28 | 1 |
14 | Young Boys | Denney | 28 | 1 |
15 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 26 | 0 |
16 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 24 | 0 |
17 | KS West Green | Stix | 20 | 1 |
18 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 18 | 0 |
19 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 17 | 0 |
20 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 16 | 1 |
21 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 14 | 1 |
22 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 10 | 0 |
23 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 6 | 0 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 18 | Zabaleta, P – MCY – DEF | ||
Club | Dynamo Charlton |
2014 Emerson World Cup announced
Posted: May 8, 2014 Filed under: 2014 Emerson World Cup | Tags: auction, brazil, Emerson, fantasy football, world cup Leave a commentLONDON’S best pub-based fantasy football World Cup competition will be named after former Middlesbrough Brazilian flop Emerson, it was announced today.
Best remembered in England for his two-season stint on Teeside in the 1990s, Emerson’s unfulfilled potential, meandering CV, failure to appear for his national side and dodgy haircut were key factors in the Kenna HQ committee’s decision to make him the contest’s figurehead.
For the first time the traditional auction will be held on the opening day of the tournament, Thursday 12 June. The match between Brazil and Croatia will kick off halfway through an auction experts predict will last around five hours.
“The 2014 Emerson World Cup auction will be a continuous, high intensity affair that will test managers’ skills to the very limit,” enthused the chairman.
“Players will be auctioned thick and fast, and among distractions like the opening tournament game on a pub TV in the background and regular round-buying we can expect entrants to find themselves falling foul of the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling,” he said, with a nod to the Horn of Africa manager’s unprecedented resignation during the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction.
As with the 2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup in South Africa before it, the Emerson will limit managers to buying no more than one player of any nationality.
Managers will also be required to set their teams out in a rigid 4-4-2 formation, a proven formula at international level.
The Emerson winner will receive an estimated £150 cash prize, with the two runners up also getting their mitts on some dosh.
In a move away from previous international tournaments, there will be no prize for the best individual player. Instead a radical new system will see the team with the worst disciplinary record winning the Emerson Unfair Play award. It is hoped the award will keep wider interest further into the competition.
In unrelated news, the official partner of the 2014 Emerson World Cup has been confirmed as Soul Glo – a Jheri Curl product: Let Your Soul Shine Through.
‘Kurwa’ suds
Posted: May 6, 2014 Filed under: Weekly updates | Tags: fantasy football, premier league, soccer, sports Leave a commentTURKISH convenience stores seldom come less complete than the premises around the corner from Kenna HQ.
Marathon opening hours, ready access to tonic water and fresh limes, and a proprietor always up for a discussion on the latest developments at Galatasaray mean the chairman is often found locked in conversation over a can of Coke, litre of Delmonte orange juice or 10 Camel Lights.
During one particularly lengthy debate on the decline of Wesley Sneijder while buying a 750ml bottle of Leffe Brune, it emerged the shop’s cash cow is beer, a large array of which dominates one refrigerated wall.
What has this to do with the Kenna title race? There are two parallels.
First, much like Gala in the Turkish Super Lig, Piedmonte find themselves well and truly beaten into second place this week. Two goals from Edin Dzeko have put FC Testiculadew well in control of the Kenna: 53 points ahead with 10 days to go.
It would take hat-tricks from Shane Long, Peter Odemwingie, Mark Noble, Jason Puncheon and no more slip ups from Steve Gerrard this Sunday to get Pies back in contention. A remote scenario considering the second parallel.
Tweeting a photo of two cans of Polish beer about to be consumed in public can only confirm the Piedmonte boss has lost interest in his side’s pursuit of the Kenna title and has turned into the average customer of the International Food Centre.
Gotta love an 8.30am train to Oldham! C’mon You Pies! @Official_NCFC #stayingup #ShaunDerrysBlackAndWhiteArmy pic.twitter.com/XV71tbKNLl
— Phil Davis (@PhillyD55) May 3, 2014
It’s only a matter of time before he’s sitting on a park bench in an obscure replica football shirt, fiercely telling anyone who’ll listen about the two times he almost won the Kenna, while seamlessly inserting the word ‘kurwa’ three times into each sentence without breaking syntax (see demonstration below).
Looking ahead to this weekend, the FC Testiculadew manager has the chance to scoop his second double in three seasons as his team face Northern Monkeys in the Canesten Combi Cup final.
Considering FCT have scored 2.83 goals a week for the last six and Northern Monkeys just 1.16, the bookies are favouring the Tactical Brambler.
Should the tie be a draw, the final will be decided on number of points scored.
In the unlikely event the two sides are equal on goals and points, a tie breaker will be played over the last weekend of the season, on goals then points.
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 38 | 2 |
2 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 38 | 1 |
3 | Piedmonte | Phil | 36 | 1 |
4 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 32 | 2 |
5 | Just put Carles | Carles | 30 | 2 |
6 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 28 | 2 |
7 | Headless Chickens | John N | 28 | 0 |
8 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 27 | 1 |
9 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 26 | 2 |
10 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 22 | 1 |
11 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 22 | 1 |
12 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 22 | 0 |
13 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 20 | 1 |
14 | KS West Green | Stix | 19 | 1 |
15 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 19 | 0 |
16 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 19 | 0 |
17 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 18 | 1 |
18 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 17 | 0 |
19 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 17 | 0 |
20 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 13 | 0 |
21 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 13 | 0 |
22 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 11 | 1 |
23 | Young Boys | Denney | 10 | 0 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 12 | Weimann, A – AVL – STR | ||
Club | Unsigned |
Only one Breivik kidney
Posted: April 30, 2014 Filed under: Weekly updates | Tags: alex oxlade-chamberlain, fantasy football, premier league, soccer Leave a commentROUTS don’t come much more convincing than FC Testiculadew’s league win two seasons ago, but the same manager is poised to scoop another title with ease albeit without making such a mockery of the other competitors.
Goals from Edin Dzeko, Jonjo Shelvey, Mesut Ozil and a brace from Juan Mata have put FC Testiculadew 61 points clear of the nearest challenger with three weeks to go – all but delivering the trophy to the self-confessed Tactical Brambler.
For a while the Piedmonte manager appeared to be making a genuine case for a grandstand finish, but like a Nigerian striker getting in his 4×4 after an ambiguous conversation with a club suit, that looks to have petered out.
Despite also showing strong signs of promise in the manager’s fifth Kenna season, Judean Peoples’ Front failed to live up to the task. Now more than 100 points off the leaders, the Anders Brievik lookalike‘s woes add fuel to the argument that to be truly competitive at this level a manager needs both kidneys.
The organ grinder is still calling the tune for the dancing monkeys battling it out for fourth. The debutant manager of Team Panda Rules OK saw his side come to within two points of the league treasurer’s team Bala Rinas. Defending champions Sporting Lesbian also compete.
A remarkable turnaround this season has come from Young Boys of Vauxhall. The manager made eight changes to his struggling side at the February transfer window and this week finds his side climbing one place further from the danger zone.
Taking to social media last week, the Young Boys manager was quick to point out the prolific form of controversial signing Martin ‘the ginned up lollypop lady’ Demichelis in comparison to other more recognised names.
The KS West Green manager was only to happy to remind his midfielder Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain of this little stat when he bumped into him at a charity dinner last night.
@jeffkennaleague The ginned up lolly pop lady has now scored as many EPL goals this season as The Ox, Ashley Young, Cisse, Michu and Caroll
— Andrew Denney (@andenney) April 22, 2014
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 53 | 5 |
2 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 41 | 3 |
3 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 34 | 3 |
4 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 33 | 1 |
5 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 30 | 0 |
6 | Piedmonte | Phil | 28 | 1 |
7 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 28 | 1 |
8 | Young Boys | Denney | 27 | 0 |
9 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 26 | 1 |
10 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 25 | 1 |
11 | Headless Chickens | John N | 23 | 1 |
12 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 22 | 2 |
13 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 22 | 1 |
14 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 22 | 1 |
15 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 20 | 1 |
16 | KS West Green | Stix | 20 | 0 |
17 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 18 | 0 |
18 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 13 | 0 |
19 | Just put Carles | Carles | 11 | 0 |
20 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 10 | 0 |
21 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 10 | 0 |
22 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 6 | 0 |
23 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 5 | 0 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 15 | Wickham, C – SUN – STR | ||
Club | Unsigned |
Belgians broken but Bramble Baron on brink of bumper brace
Posted: April 22, 2014 Filed under: Cannestan Combi Cup, Weekly updates | Tags: fantasy football, Kevin Mirallas, premier league, soccer, sports, title race Leave a commentKEVIN Mirallas and Christian Benteke may be a mini Belgian injury crisis for FC Testiculadew, but the club still moved one step closer to a second Kenna double in three campaigns this week with an assured display.
On his way to the physio’s bench winger Mirallas notched two goals to put the side managed by the founder of tactical Brambling both in the Canesten Combi Cup final and extend their lead over Piedmonte to 36 points.
Hopes of snatching the title at the final fence look even more remote for the Piedmonte manager even though his side put in another solid week led again by Jason Puncheon. If only he’d kept Samir Nasri – the Frenchman picked up a goal and an assist to help Bala Rinas into fourth place.
With just four weeks left of the season and relegation all but rubber stamped for the bottom three clubs, the race for the Wenger Trophy is shaping up to take centre stage in the league’s remaining narrative.
Just 30 points separate the five clubs floating around the final prize spot, and the cast are varied: Sporting Lesbian are defending champions, Team Panda Rules OK debutants and the other three managers are league committee members yet to find silverware in the quagmire of political intrigue at Kenna HQ.
Another subplot is the miraculous cup run of Northern Monkeys. The manager voiced concerns over the ability of Samuel Eto’o and Fabio Borini back in February, but the pair earned the Monkeys a place in the final at the expense of a toothless St Reatham FC.
It seems unlikely the Monkeys’ luck will continue into the pageantry of that May afternoon. With David Silva possibly out injured for the rest of the season, the midfield consists of Antonio Valencia, Stewart Downing and forfeit player Stuart Hazell.
No amount of cash in the attic could buy a goal for that lot.
Road to the Canesten Combi Cup final
Kenna table
Weekly scores
Manager | Points | Goals | ||
1 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 60 | 5 |
2 | KS West Green | Stix | 48 | 2 |
3 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 41 | 2 |
4 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 41 | 2 |
5 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 41 | 1 |
6 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 37 | 2 |
7 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 35 | 0 |
8 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 34 | 2 |
9 | Just put Carles | Carles | 30 | 2 |
10 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 30 | 2 |
11 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 30 | 2 |
12 | Piedmonte | Phil | 30 | 1 |
13 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 26 | 0 |
14 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 25 | 2 |
15 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 25 | 0 |
16 | Headless Chickens | John N | 23 | 1 |
17 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 20 | 1 |
18 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 17 | 0 |
19 | Young Boys | Denney | 16 | 1 |
20 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 16 | 0 |
21 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 16 | 0 |
22 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 14 | 0 |
23 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 13 | 1 |
Points | Player | |||
Player of the week | 24 | Podolski, L – ARS – STR | ||
Club | Sporting Lesbian |